“Well, hey there, J-Lo. I almost didn’t recognize you with that hair. You went the brown with highlights route… okay… I can dig it,” Frannie said, pulling up a seat opposite me in the cafeteria.

“I just needed a change,” I confessed to my friend.

My words were slow and methodical. Since Finn’s midnight visit a few weeks ago, I’d felt crushed by the weight of the decision I’d been forced to make. We clearly loved each other, and the reasons for keeping him away seemed harsh even for my standards. Wanting something I couldn’t have was nothing new for me, but leaving someone I clearly loved was a whole new ballgame. I started rethinking my marriage and child ban. Would it really be so terrible? Maybe I could have all those things if it meant Finn staying in my life. And clearly being with me was something he still wanted, if his early morning confession had any meaning behind it at all.

“What happened to ‘blondes have more fun’?”

“Yeah, they don’t, trust me.”

“Well, I like it. You look pretty however you wear your hair. Besides, this is a new start, right?” she said, in a fabricated cheerful tone. Frannie was never jovial, so I knew what it took for her to fake it for me.

“I love you, Francesca. Have I ever told you that? You’re the only person in this place who gives a shit about me.”

My friend shifted in her chair with a worried expression on her face, before leaning in and whispering, “You’re not suicidal, are you?”

“No, I don’t have to be hopeless in order to like you, Frannie. Maybe if you showed your warm side more often, you wouldn’t have people scurrying away in terror every time you cut across a room.”

“Well, what would be the fun in that?” She smirked. “Anyway, this conversation is not about me and my lack of social skills. It’s about you and the whole yawn-fest you’ve got going on over here. I mean it’s not that you’ve ever been high speed Internet but, honey, you’ve been downgraded to a 2G connection.”

“I know. I think I’m just depressed,” I moped, laying my head on the table.

“Is this about the studly stuntman? Not exactly sure why you broke up with that piece of meat in the first place, but I’m guessing it’s none of my business, right?”

I nodded emphatically. Another reason I loved her. She knew her boundaries.

“Well, look on the bright side – there’s always Dr. Schlong.”

A slow laugh escaped me, which quickly turned into a case of hysterics. It wasn’t even funny, but I was so out of whack lately that I couldn’t control my emotions. Francesca sat there with a confused smile on her face until I’d finally completed my unusual burst of enjoyment.

“Are you on something?” she said, cupping her hand over one side of her mouth, to prevent the people next to us from hearing.

“No. What, I can’t laugh without you thinking I’m on opiates?”

“I’m not really sure what’s wrong with you, but I’ll tell you one thing, if you don’t stop this giggle shit, I’ll be forced to trade you in for a less enthusiastic model… someone like Barb, the front desk volunteer. Now there’s a miserable shrew.”

“Nooo,” I continued laughing. “Not Barb. I’ll do better. I promise.”

My lunch over, I said my goodbyes to Francesca and stood to leave. An unexpectedly sharp pain shot up the back of my leg and into my left butt cheek. I inhaled audibly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Sciatic nerve. I’ve been having all kinds of issues with it lately.”

Francesca’s mouth dropped open and she grabbed my wrist, pulling me back in my seat. Confused, I glared at her. If she was going to get all touchy-feely with me, I’d have to rethink that love I’d just offered her.

“Could you be pregnant?” She asked.

“What?” The question was so stupid I didn’t want to give it a bit of leverage. “No. Why would you say that?”

“My sister had really bad sciatica pain during all three of her pregnancies. It happens when the hips widen. Add that to your fatigue and all that emotional weirdness…” she said, flicking her hand over me in distaste. “I don’t know, Emma, maybe you should take a pregnancy test.”

“No, it’s impossible,” I said shaking my head. I was so not pregnant. We’d used protection every single time.

“The only way it’s impossible would be if you were a good little virgin,” Frannie explained, and then in a childlike voice, she added, “Have you been a good little virgin, Emma?”

I sank back in my chair, my mouth still hanging open as I shook my head back and forth.

“Exactly. I didn’t think so.”

Frannie and I hurried to the supply closet and I snuck a pregnancy strip and a plastic cup off the shelf before disappearing into the bathroom. Francesca pushed her way in before the door shut all the way.

“No, Frannie, it’s okay, you don’t need to.”

The last thing I wanted was her blabbing my business to the entire hospital.

“I’m not leaving you here by yourself.” And as if she could read my mind, added, “I would never do that to you, and you know it.”

Suddenly I felt bad for thinking the worst of her. She’d always been nothing but a friend to me.

“I know,” I said, then grasped her wrist in fear.

We exchanged a knowing glance before she handed me the cup and said, “Now pee.”

The five-minute wait was agonizing. Frannie leaned against the basin studying her shoes as I sat on the closed toilet seat, gripping my newly colored hair. Jesus, wasn’t that bad for a baby? And the glass of wine I had last night… and the night before. That was definitely bad for a baby. But I was almost sure it would come up negative. I had no signs. No weight gain. No morning sickness… although Finn’s little puke parade the last time I’d seen him had turned me all shades of green. And besides that, after the festival weekend with him, I’d immediately gone on birth control pills. Oh, god, if a baby managed to get through all that protection, its little head would surely be whacked after all the crap I’d been feeding it.

The timer went off on Francesca’s phone.

“You ready?”

There was no excitement or encouragement in her words. Instead she adopted a professional tone, free of judgment. I closed my eyes as Frannie checked the results. It would be negative. There was no way. No way at all. But when she didn’t say anything after several seconds, I knew. The sob that I’d been holding back broke free. Francesca knelt beside me rubbing my back, repeating “Breathe” over and over.

“I don’t, I don’t… what am I going to do? I can’t be a mother. I can’t.”

“And you don’t have to be, Emma. You have options.”

Yes. Options. I had options. But the moment Finn’s face formed in my mind, I knew I didn’t have options. I could never, would never do that to him.

“No. Finn… it’s his child too. Never.”

“Then have the baby.”

“I don’t want to be a mother,” I said, snarling out the words. “Have you not been listening for the past four years?”

Thankfully, Frannie took no offense.

“Let me finish,” she said, calmly. “Have the baby. Give it to Finn. Problem solved.”

I blinked back my shock and wiped away the tears.

“Yes. Okay. That would work. I could do that.”

“See? Everything will be fine. You’re in shock right now. Just give yourself a chance to process. Do you want to see the stick?”

Frannie held up the test with a very clear pregnancy confirmation. And that seemed to do the trick. The shock subsided as reality kicked in. This was happening, whether I wanted it or not. Every fear I’d ever had… every relationship I’d fought so hard to avoid and every excuse I’d given for not wanting to be a mother was all for naught because that baby I vehemently professed I didn’t want, the one I’d given up an amazing guy to avoid having, was now growing inside my belly.

“I need to go to labor and delivery,” I said, standing up and smoothing down my wild hair.

“I think you have time, Emma – at least a few more months.”

Was she trying to be funny? I glared at Frannie.

“Okay, yeah, that was not appropriate, was it? Sorry, I’m rusty with random acts of sympathy. I’m trying.”

I knew she was. I softened my tone as I cleared my throat, and said with as much control as I could muster, “I know you are. You’ve been a great friend. Now go back to work. I’ve got it from here.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I wish I knew.”

Once Francesca left, I took a few moments to pull myself together before exiting the bathroom and walking down the sterile hallways in a daze. The moment I entered the ward, I could hear babies crying, and panic gripped me. I used the walls to steady myself as I searched for Dr. Kapoor. She was new to the hospital, but I’d seen her with one of my patients a few months before, explaining to a car accident victim that her baby hadn’t survived. The compassion I’d seen in her eyes as she comforted the woman had stuck with me. I needed a little of that empathy right about now.

“Dr. Kapoor? My name is Emma McKallister. I’m a nurse in the ICU.”

“Yes, I remember you. Although your hair is…”

“I know. Horrible. It was a mistake,” I said, attempting to explain away something so insignificant as colored strands when I had another, more gigantic issue to address. But when that all-important moment arrived, and it came time to ’fess up, the words would not form as I dissolved into a puddle of tears. Dr. Kapoor led me into an empty room and sat me in a chair. She pulled one up herself and waited, laying a hand gently on my knee. Once I’d pulled myself together enough to speak, I told her about the positive pregnancy test, the condoms, the birth control pills, the wine, and all the other things I’d done to ruin this baby before it was even born. “And not only that, but I colored my hair… I mean, what kind of monster am I? This baby isn’t even born yet, and I’m already the world’s shittiest mom.”

Dr. Kapoor allowed me one more shortened cry before she put an end to the waterworks. “First, pregnancy happens even with 100% compliance to birth control methods. Nothing is ever foolproof. As a nurse, you should know that. And second, you haven’t ruined your baby. Plenty of mothers engage in the activities you’ve described before knowing they were pregnant. You haven’t sentenced your baby to a fiery hell. They’re a lot tougher than you think.”

“Yeah, well, this one’s a goddamn superhero if he managed to get through all those layers of protection.”

She laughed, but I wasn’t joking. Leave it to Finn to impregnate me with a near statistically impossible baby!

“I tell you what – why don’t we go into another room and do a quick ultrasound? Maybe that will ease your mind and give you some answers.”

This was good… a plan. I liked plans so very much.

“Okay,” I sniffled. “Are you sure you’re not too busy?”

“I’ve got a fussy womb in room four. It’s moving slower than a teenager crossing the street,” she said, chuckling to herself.

I guess even doctors who stuck their hands up vaginas all day could find humor in their profession. More power to them. A few minutes later, the doctor was rolling a goopy ball over my lower abdomen, and I was hit with a shot of remorse. Finn should have been here for this… the first look at his baby. He would have loved this. Picturing his face, I frowned. What was I going to do about Finn?

“There. Do you see the heart beating?”

Oh, yes, I saw it. My eyes could not have been wider or clearer if they tried. A contented ache attached itself to my own rapidly beating heart. I listened as the doctor described to me all I was seeing, and waited as she measured its little head and limbs. I could not tear my eyes away from the screen. Slowly the realization of what I was seeing registered in my shocked brain. That fluttery heartbeat belonged to me… to Finn. It was then I knew I would love this baby until the day I died. And, just as my mother had done before me, I would protect his or her tiny life with everything I had in me. Suddenly I couldn’t remember why I’d ever wanted to deprive myself of something as beautiful as a child. A smile so wide and so genuine transformed my weepy, frightened face. The tiny life growing inside me was more than I deserved, but all I never knew I wanted.

* * *

In no emotional shape to resume my shift, I let the charge nurse know I wasn’t feeling well and went home. I didn’t even remember making the drive or opening the front door or snuggling with Cynthia until I passed out on my bed. But I did remember the nightmare.

He was so beautiful, a tow-headed toddler with hair that bounced as he ran. I chased after him, laughing. Finn was there with us, the proud smile on his face telling me he was here for us, always. I never knew I could feel so alive and happy. Cradling my son in my arms, I kissed that perfect face. He was a gift, a beautiful perfect gift. Finn and I watched as he fell asleep in my arms. Quietly, I transferred him to his crib and watched the little body tense as a groggy cry escaped those rosy lips. Gently I ran my finger back and forth from his forehead to his nose to soothe him back to sleep. Those sweet eyes fluttered shut once more and I leaned down to kiss him.

“I’ll see you when you wake up, angel baby,” I cooed. Warmth and love, that’s what this was. My little family.

I’d fallen asleep myself, exhausted but blissful. Just a quick nap for Mommy. I awakened with a start and checked the clock. Too much time had passed. Was he still napping? Why hadn’t he cried for me? A crippling terror gripped me as I ran to his room. The crib was empty. Finn! I screamed. ‘Where is he? Where’s my baby?’

Jolting upright, gasping for air, sobs wracked my body. This was why I couldn’t be a mother and a wife. This was why.

* * *

“Answer your phone, Keith,” I begged, my hand shaking miserably. Why was it when I really needed him, Keith was never around – but when I wanted him to leave, I could never get rid of him? After several more phone calls went unanswered, I gave up and dialed another number.

“Hello?”

“Jake? It’s me, Emma.”

“I know,” he chuckled. “What’s up?”

“Oh, well, I…” my voice broke. Man, I was really trying to control it, but there was no suppressing the emotions this baby was tugging out of me.

“Are you okay?” There was immediate concern in his tone. Bless him. Jake cared. Not like that weasel Keith.

“I tried to call Keith, and he wouldn’t pick up… four times, Jake, four times I called him,” I wept into the phone. “I mean, he doesn’t do shit. Why can’t he pick up the damn phone? And so I called you… not that you’re a second choice, but I need… I need… I don’t know what I need.”

“Where are you?”

“At home.”

“Okay, I’m coming.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you if you’re busy,” I sniffled pathetically. Actually, I really did want to bother him, and he only lived twenty miles away.

“I’m sure. I’m leaving now. I’ll be there in an hour.”

This was LA, after all.

* * *

By the time Jake arrived, I’d calmed down. He’d slipped in wearing a baseball hat and hoodie but promptly removed it all the minute he stepped inside.

“Is that get-up because you’re going incognito or because you’re afraid to catch something in these parts?” I asked.

“Definitely the latter. I read somewhere that chlamydia was now airborne over the Valley.”

“Oh, ha ha, because of the porn industry. Good one,” I replied sarcastically.

“It’s nice to see you back to your grumpy old self. Did I just rush over here for nothing?”

“That was rushing?” I teased. “It took you well over an hour.”

“Not for lack of effort. Is it my fault your emotional breakdown happened during rush hour? You better have a good reason for making me drive all the way over here in bumper-to-bumper traffic.”

“Trust me, you’ll be duly rewarded for your effort. I’m pregnant.”

Jake’s head snapped to attention. Yep, you heard me right. I ripped that Band-Aid clean off. My brother didn’t react exactly as I’d hoped. Instead, his lip curled up and he laughed. I waited, arms hugging into myself, and grimaced at his idea of funny.

“Wait, are you serious?” he asked, after getting an extended look at my somber face.

“I’ve never been much of a joker.”

Jake finally closed his wide-open mouth and said, “I just… I never… Sorry. That’s not funny at all, is it? Are you all right?”

“Um,” I bit my lip as the stuttering breaths opened the way for more uncontrolled sobbing. I was really starting to hate this new me. “Not really.”

Jake swathed me in his warm embrace, and I sank into him with no shame. I’d offered him enough support over my lifetime. Now it was his turn to give back.

“I’m sorry I dragged you all the way out to the valley to get chlamydia and everything, but I didn’t know who to turn to.”

“It’s okay, Emma, really. How long have you known?”

“About seven hours. I’m three months along.”

Jake pulled away and searched my face for reaction. “Three months? Was that…?”

“Yes. The festival. Thank you very much!”

“Me? I fail to see how I’m to blame.”

“If you hadn’t invited me, none of this would have happened.”

“Oh, right. I should have predicted this very plausible scenario,” he said, humoring my hormonal outbursts. “And how do you feel about… uh, being pregnant?”

“Well, that depends on when you ask me. I started out stunned. Then I was excited. But now I’m strictly bone-chilling terrified.”

“And you’re sure Finn’s the dad?”

I had a sudden and intense desire to kick my brother squarely in the crotch. Whoa, what the hell? Were emotional outbursts a side effect of pregnancy? If so, this was going to be a long six months.

“You know, Jake, I understand you’re trying to be helpful, but I’m real unstable right now, so let’s try to just think before speaking, shall we?”

Jake snickered as he made a wide circle around me. “You have crazy eyes.”

“Because you were slut-shaming me,” I complained, irrationally.

“Do you want me to help you or not?” He grinned. “Jesus Christ. Is this what I’m going to have to look forward to when Casey gets pregnant?”

“I read somewhere that pregnancy magnifies your existing personality. With Casey, I’m sure when she’s with child it’ll be like living with a Disney princess. You’ll be fine.”

“I think it’s alcohol, not pregnancy, that magnifies the personality.”

“Oh, well, I don’t know. Casey’s perfect. There’s no reason to assume she will be any less dazzling when she’s carrying your child, so stop worrying. Besides, we’re talking about me now, so try and stay focused.”

Jake shook his head. “Okay, I’m going to ask a series of questions. Just answer them without the bitchy tone. Can you do that?”

“I can’t promise anything.”

We grinned at one another.

“Do you plan to tell Finn?”

“Eventually.”

“And by eventually, you mean real damn soon?”

“Yes, that’s what I mean.” I smiled.

“Do you… um… plan on keeping the baby?”

“Yes, I… yes.”

“That’s not very encouraging.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I want this baby; it’s just that I’m scared. What if something happens? What if I can’t keep it safe?”

“You will.”

“You don’t know that. Mom couldn’t keep you safe.”

Jake’s eyes narrowed into angry slits. “So that’s what this is all about?”

“Well, it’s a big damn issue, yeah. I mean, aren’t you scared to have kids someday? You, more than anyone, know the evil that lives out there.”

“So what should I do then – shut myself off from the world? I did that, and I was miserable.” Jake stopped talking as realization swept over him. “Please tell me that’s not why you’ve sworn off marriage.”

I cringed and looked away.

“Seriously, Emma! You’re putting this on me?”

“No.” I grabbed for him, but he flinched away. “Not you. Just what happened to you. I’m entitled to be scarred by it. You don’t have a monopoly on this.”

“Is this because of what I told you? About Glen?”

I really was trying to keep a neutral expression, but Jake saw right through me. Yes, okay, that damn story scarred me for life. Why the hell did you pick me to purge your guilty soul?

“Not just that. You don’t know what happened when you were gone.”

“I wasn’t just gone,” Jake spat. “You act like on was on a fucking vacation.”

Oh, shit. Now he was really agitated. How had this conversation deteriorated so rapidly?

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Let me start over. When you were in the clutches of an evil madman, Mom completely fell apart. Her loss consumed her. She stopped living. She gave up on everyone, including you. I vowed never to love that hard because it only leads to unbelievable heartbreak.”

“So, let me get this straight. You’re going to give up on the only thing that makes life worth living – love – just so you can stick it to Mom?”

“What?” My voice was high-pitched and offended. How the hell did he get to that conclusion? “No. I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to. It’s so obvious. You’ve always blamed her, as if none of it would have happened had she been a better mother, more attentive… that’s bullshit. I’m sorry she wasn’t there for you, Emma, and that sucks; but she was there for me. And I…I needed her more than you did back then. You want to know what kind of mother she is? She’s the kind that held my hand and helped me breathe when I thought the fear was literally going to eat me up from the inside out. She’s the kind who slept on the floor by my side for a year just so I wouldn’t have to be alone with my nightmares. She’s the kind who was handed a broken shell of a boy and painstakingly pieced him back together again. And, Emma, she’s the one who gave me back the music, which ultimately saved my damn life. So if you’re worried that you’ll be just like Mom… well, I say, you should be so lucky.”

Sometimes in life you just need a swift kick in the ass. Jake did that for me, leaving me shell-shocked and bruised in his wake. I was forced to reevaluate everything I’d held true for so long. Maybe Mom had done the best she could with what she’d been dealt. Maybe this wasn’t fear. Maybe this had always just been my way of punishing the woman I blamed for every damn thing in my life; and if that were true, I had many years of atonement not only to my mother but to myself, as well. My god, had I just wasted ten years?

* * *

The woman who opened the door to Finn’s new bungalow was young, gorgeous, barefoot, and wearing a soft white beach cover-up that reached mid-thigh. I could see the outline of her yellow bikini beneath the flimsy fabric. Her sun-streaked wavy hair wore the telltale signs of having recently been dipped in the ocean water… probably after spending the day with the father of my baby.

We stared at one another for a moment before she asked in a friendly voice, “Can I help you?”

Fresh, pretty, and sweet – the flip side of my coin. Apparently Finn was taking a break from psycho bitches, and I couldn’t say I blamed him. Why I’d pictured him as still single was beyond me. Finn was the full package, and I should have expected that women would be going after him the minute I shut the door on his face.

“Is Finn here?”

Her expression instantly transformed from pleasant and sweet to predatory and defensive. Oh, yeah, she’d claimed him all right. Her eyes pierced through me like an invasive TSA screening.

“Who are you?”

“Is he here?” I ignored her question to repeat my own.

“No. Sorry. He’s not home right now, but I can tell him you stopped by, if you like.”

The moment she finished her sentence, Finn’s earnest laughter rang out in the background. He was happy again. My heart clenched further. He’d definitely moved on. I’d waited too long, and now he was blissful and healthy and dating a hot surfer girl.

“You’re Emma, right?” she asked, trying to remain casual, but the tone had an undeniable challenge to it. She was ready to fight to defend her territory.

“Yes.”

“Well, Emma,” – she said my name like it was a dirty word – “do you really think seeing him is the right thing to do? You broke him in half, and now that he’s finally healing, you want to come back and do it all over again. I won’t let you hurt him any more than you already have.”

Her words stung but certainly were not without merit. I actually appreciated this pixie girl’s commitment to Finn. Just the fact that he’d had support through this all was encouraging, even if it was in the form of a young, gorgeous woman who wanted to rip my head clean off my shoulders. Unfortunately for her, I had no intention of debating my worth to anyone but Finn, and with that in mind, I pushed the door open and muscled my way in. Beach girl had nothing on my stately frame as I breezed past her, stealthily evading capture.

I headed straight for the voices in the kitchen, and as I rounded the corner, I saw Finn, a guy I assumed to be Richie and an older woman I assumed to be his rich divorcée girlfriend. All three turned their heads to stare as I came into view with the barefoot blonde nearly running into the back of me when I stopped.

“I told her you didn’t want to see her but she wouldn’t listen,” surfer girl ratted on me.

There was no way to read the emotion on Finn’s face. He was just blank.

“You must be Emma,” Richie said, breaking the awkward moment as he stood up and walked over to me. “I’m Richie. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Hello,” I said, shaking his hand.

“I believe a thank you is in order,” he said.

“A thank you?”

“Well, when you were setting Finn up with Martin, I managed to hook myself into the deal. Now we both have a new agent.”

“Oh. I…” I glanced nervously at Finn, but he had yet to meet my eye. I wasn’t sure how he had taken my meddling into his professional life. Jake really was the driving force anyway, as Martin was his agent. “I really didn’t have much to do with it. Jake wanted him for a video, so he’s probably the one to thank.”

“Well, I’d love to thank him in person. Anytime. You just set it up,” Richie said, laughing. “Anyway, we’re both real grateful – aren’t we, Finn?”

I smiled at Richie, thankful for his attempt to lighten the mood. My eyes settled back on my reason for coming.

“Um… Finn, can I talk to you for a minute? I know you’re busy, so I promise to make it quick.”

He didn’t reply, nor did he make a move to get off the chair. The knots in my stomach started double tying. I hadn’t planned for such a scenario, and now I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Begging seemed the best option. “Please?”

Finn, his eyes still averted, sat for a moment, clearly contemplating his next move. Suddenly he rose from the table and walked in my direction, but instead of stopping in front of me, he just brushed past, heading for the front door. Richie provided me with a sympathetic nod as I turned to follow him.

Once we were both outside, Finn shut the door and turned to me, arms crossed in front of him, and waited impatiently for me to speak.

“Hi,” I said, in barely more than a whisper.

“That’s what you came here to say?” he challenged, his tone short and unemotional. I’d hurt him, and he clearly wasn’t in any mood to let me get away with it without significant repercussions. I didn’t blame him for a second.

“No. I’m just nervous.”

“Look,” Finn sighed. “I’m grateful for the help with Martin, but I’m not interested in being friends, if that’s what you’re here for.”

“No. I just need to talk to you real quick.”

“I think you’ve pretty much said it all.”

“I haven’t said this. Please.”

Finn hesitated, looking back at the door. “Richie and I have some people over. This really isn’t a good time.”

“Are you seeing that girl? The one who answered the door? She seems nice – and protective of you.”

His eyes caught mine and I saw the hurt. “Why do you even care, Emma?”

“You know I do. Don’t insult me. And I just want the best for you.”

He laughed bitterly at that. “And you think she’s it?”

“I don’t know. Is she?”

“That’s none of your business,” Finn said, shaking his head. “You have two minutes.”

He took a seat on the steps and I sank down beside him.

“I know I hurt you, and I want to apologize. I made decisions for the both of us and didn’t give you a chance to even process what was happening before cutting you out of my life. In my warped brain, I thought it would be easier on you, but it was just mean, and I see that now and I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve heard you say you’re sorry a hundred times. I’m just over it. We could have been great, and you threw it all away. What more is there to say?”

“I could tell you what happened in my past that made me choose not to have children.”

This caught Finn’s attention, and he watched me with interest, the anger already dissolving. He was so forgiving. I’d spent ten years blaming my loving mother for perceived slights, when Finn had been ‘raised’ among junkyard trash and still found it in his heart to care.

“You know what happened to my brother when we were younger, right?”

He nodded. Of course he knew. Everyone did.

“When Jake disappeared, it affected me in ways I can’t really explain. I watched my family fall apart. My mother… it was just awful. Her loss consumed her. She’d wake me up at all hours of the night with this terrifying cry, like she was dying. And, at the same time, I was having nightmares about my other siblings disappearing one by one until I was the only one left. I became fixated on protecting myself from loss. By putting these chains on myself, I thought I could avoid the pain… but I only made it worse for you and for me.”

“So what are you saying?”

It was unmistakable, the hope in his voice. After everything I’d put him through, he was still looking for a hole in my armor, a way back in. I didn’t deserve this man… but our baby sure as hell did.

“I’m saying something has happened that’s forced me to open my eyes, and now I don’t have a choice but to change my way of thinking. I’m pregnant, Finn.”

His eyes bulged from their sockets. “Wait. What are you…? Is…?”

“Of course.”

“How? I mean I used condoms…. and…and you were on the pill.”

“Only after the festival. I didn’t see the point before. The amount of sex I’ve had in the past few years didn’t warrant taking pills every day of my life.”

“But, I used condoms that weekend,” he repeated.

“Yes, Finn, I realize that, but they’re only 98% accurate.”

“Only?” he replied, suddenly turning hostile. “That’s a big fucking only!”

He didn’t seem to know how to react to my admission, so he let shock rule his responses. Finn looked around, possibly to see if anyone else was hearing this bullshit, and when he didn’t get any reassurance from the rosebushes, he lay on his back on the concrete, covering his face with his hands. I waited. I’d had time to process the information, and he deserved that courtesy too. A minute later he did something totally unexpected… Finn laughed. Hysterically. And when the laughter died down, he sat back up, still clearly trying to process the information.

“I’m sorry if this is not what you wanted, but you, at least, needed to know,” I said, touching his shoulder.

“It’s not that. It’s… I’ve been through this before, you know. And it was all one big lie so, yeah, I’m having a little trouble believing this, is all.”

“Right, but that was a fake baby by a woman trying to deceive you. I would never lie to you about something so important. I hope you know that.”

I handed him the ultrasound pictures, and the shift in mood was immediate. It’s hard to describe the rainbow of emotion that splashed across Finn’s face as he took in the photos of his child… shock, then awe, then acceptance, and finally heart-melting tenderness. In those few short moments, as he held proof of the little life he’d helped create, Finn fell completely and totally in love, as somehow I just knew he would.

“How old?” he asked, with tears in his eyes.

“Three months. I’m pretty sure he’s a festival baby.”

“He? It’s a boy?”

“No. I don’t know. I keep picturing a boy, but maybe it’s a girl. Do you care?”

“Are you kidding?” Finn was still looking at the pictures in complete amazement. The truth seemed to finally be settling in. “So, I mean, you seem okay with this for a woman who doesn’t want kids.”

“You should have seen me a few days ago.”

“Not pretty?”

“Well, there’s an ugly crier, and then there’s me.”

Finn smiled, but it was a short-lived moment of levity. “What are you thinking, Emma? If this isn’t something you can do….”

“I can and I will. I’m committed, Finn. I promise to be a good mother to our baby. I get that you are still processing, and I know you will want to be a hands-on father to this baby, but just know, I understand this isn’t a package deal.”

“Meaning you, me, and baby?”

“Yes.”

There was a long silence. Finn studied the pictures for so long I almost interrupted him to move the conversation along. Finally he surprised me by asking, “What if I want the package deal?”

“Then I’d tell you to think long and hard about that because, as you’ve probably figured out by now, I’m a piece of work.”

He laughed at that, harder than I might have liked.

“Look, Finn. I’m not trying to disrupt your life all over again. I understand that you’re with another woman now, and I’ll respect that.”

Finn shifted to his right side and studied me long and hard before removing a strand of hair from my face and whispering, “I’m with you, Emma. I always have been.”

My eyes brimming with tears, I asked, “What does that mean?”

“It means that even though, or maybe because, you ripped my damn heart out, I haven’t moved on with anyone else. Rachel’s not my girlfriend; she’s Vanessa’s daughter. She wants more, but you know, you screwed me up too much for anything more than friendship, so thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome?” I answered in question form.

My attempt at humor could have gone terribly wrong, but Finn always was a fan of my sarcasm, and he gave me the laugh I was hoping for. Boldly, I reached out and traced my finger over his face. It really was as swoon-worthy as the day I met him. His merciful eyes held understanding and patience. Where did that reserve of forgiveness come from? Why would he be willing to give me the second chance I so clearly didn’t deserve? Leaning over, I brushed my lips past his. Finn didn’t move or pull me in, he just lay there propped on his elbow and let me take the lead.

“Forgive me,” I whispered. “Please forgive me.”

Finn’s hand tangled into my hair, and he pulled my head toward him and his lips pressed hard onto mine. His approach was equal parts aggression, yearning, and forgiveness. Wrapping my arms around his back, I leaned into him and crushed my mouth to his. We assertively reacquainted ourselves with one another, although I truly had never forgotten his touch, or his lips. Lying on the steps in a heavy embrace, we were lost in each other’s hungering lips. I wanted him… and I could have him, if I just let go.

“I. Forgive. You,” he said between kisses. “But don’t ever do that to me again.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“I’m tired of wasting time.”

“Me too.”

In one fluid motion, Finn stood and pulled me to my feet. “Then we make a commitment right here, right now. No more games. You and me, Emma… one hundred percent. It’s everything or nothing.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, I answered, “I want everything.”

* * *

Lying in his arms on my couch, with Finn’s hand on my belly and my cat curled up contently on my lap, I felt for the first time in years that I was finally back in control. My fears would have to take a backseat to this new reality.

“Finn?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to move in with me and Cynthia?”

He sat up a little straighter, his demeanor suddenly serious. “Look, I’ll move in with you on two conditions.”

“Okay.” I tensed in preparation. Was it too soon after my total and complete betrayal of his trust to ask for such a thing?

“One: we give the damn cat a break. From now on I’m calling him Theo.”

I nodded, relieved at where his conditions were going. I could handle that one, even though I wouldn’t honor it. “You can call him whatever you want. Right, Cynthia?”

“Oh, okay, I see where ultimatums will get me.”

“What’s number two?” I asked, tugging on his sleeve to refocus his attention.

“Well, that goes somewhat hand in hand with number one, and this will not be compromised. Your dad’s not allowed anywhere near the baby until we have it safely named.”

“That’s something I can agree on.” I brightened. “And might I suggest we extend that ban to your mother as well, Indiana-Jones Finnegan Perry.”

Finn cringed.

“Oh, stop. I love your name. There is no one like you, so why not have a name like no other?”

“Does that mean if we have a boy, he’ll be a junior?”

“God no. Your name dies with you.”

“Wait a minute. I thought you loved my name.”

“On you.” I laughed. “I love it on you.”

“At least promise me our baby will have a kick-ass name. I mean, come on. This little guy fought his way through a rubber coating with a 98% effectiveness rating? What are the chances?”

“2%.”

“Exactly, 2%. That’s pretty damn amazing.”

“Yeah, well, no offense, Finn, but you were born in a toilet. It seems to me you’re a low percentage kind of guy.”