I become aware of my breaths as they stutter in and out of my body. My eyes feel like they’re stuck together so I leave them closed as I use my other senses to take everything in around me.
Bleach; beeping of several machines; feet shuffling; a door closing, and then murmuring outside.
Where am I? What happe—
It all comes rushing back like a bad car accident, watching it in slow motion from the outside in. Phoebe; the fire escape balcony; falling; the sound of my body as it hit the ground; the crack of bone.
Am I alive? Did I manage to escape what fate had in store for me?
I wiggle my fingers on my right hand before trying the same with my left. Only this one won’t move because it’s covered with something warm.
I manage to pry my eyes open but immediately slam them shut against the harsh lights.
I try to talk but my throat burns and I croak out babble that makes no sense before a straw is brought to my lips and a deep voice says, “Drink slowly.”
I do as they say and when my throat isn’t as parched, I open my eyes again, staring into green orbs that I saw in my mind just before I hit the hard asphalt in the alleyway.
“Nate?” I whisper, my throat clogging up as a lump builds.
“Don’t try to talk, Lia,” he says softly, pushing my hair back from my face.
“I…” I swallow, clutching onto his hand with all of my strength—which isn’t much. My heartbeat speeds up, one of the machines next to me sounding louder and louder. “Phoebe,” I gasp.
A hand landing softly on my cheek stops my frantic searching of the room and I look into Nate’s eyes as he cups my face gently. “I swear down on my life that I’ll never let that woman near you again. You’re safe here.”
I don’t move my gaze from his, trying to find the truth in his eyes, and when that’s all I’m met with, I nod slowly. Part of me doesn’t want to accept that he’ll keep me safe, but the part that has my pulse racing and my eyes searching for her wants to latch onto his protection and never let go.
Taking a calming breath, I turn my gaze away from Nate and take stock of everything. The first thing I see is my leg in plaster. I stare at my toes trying to make them move, but they don’t budge. I frown, flicking my gaze back to Nate briefly before looking over at my other leg and pulling the hospital blanket aside.
“What?” I whisper, more to myself than Nate.
My leg won’t move; what the hell is going on? I concentrate on trying to get my toes to move more than I’ve ever done on anything else in my entire life. But nothing happens.
I reach down and touch my thigh gently, but if I wasn’t looking, I wouldn’t even know I was touching it.
My eyes widen as realization crashes down around me. “No!” I cry out, slapping my open palm against my leg, the sound reverberating around us in the sterile hospital room. I still don’t feel a thing.
“Lia, stop!”
“This can’t be happening!” I shout, tears running down my face as I twist my upper body and make a fist, beating against my leg and willing some kind of sensation to appear.
Nate rushes at me, trying to grab ahold of my arms, his eyes looking down at my waist frantically. “Lia, you have to stop! You’ve just had major surgery.”
I don’t stop, I keep going, trying to feel anything—even a little twinge—but there’s nothing.
“Lia!”
Nate finally manages to grab me but I break free of his hold as I take in his shocked and distressed face.
“Why?” I scream, yanking the blankets off my body as I try to sit up, but I can’t because I can’t feel anything from my waist down. This can’t be real, it’s all a dream, it’s not really happening. Maybe if I pinch myself I’ll wake up in my bed in the pool house and these last few months won’t have happened?
I inspect myself, seeing fresh red blood flowing from my left side and onto my hospital-issued gown. I can’t bring myself to care as I continue to try and sit up, sure that if I can see my legs better then they’ll work.
I manage to roll slightly onto my side, blood staining the bed.
“Oh, God, you’ve torn your stitches,” Nate gasps, trying to lean over me but I bat him away. His hand grasping my wrist and giving a squeeze brings my attention back to him, but I don’t stop thrashing about as he shouts, “I can’t do anything unless you tell me what’s going on!”
I ignore him, trying to yank out of his grasp but it’s harder this time because he’s anticipated it. When I finally manage to get free of him, I nearly fall off the bed as I slam my fists down on my legs over and over again, tears streaming down my face and guttural sobs escaping my throat.
“I can’t… this… no…”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I pray to a God I’m not even certain is listening. If he is then all I want is to be able to feel again. I can’t survive without my legs, I know I can’t.
But it doesn’t matter how many times I chant the prayer in my head, no feeling comes back, and as soon as I realize my prayers aren’t going to be answered, I open my eyes, my body becoming very still as I stare into Nate’s green ones. They beg me to stop, flashing with worry and panic as he lifts his hand to my face, cupping my cheek.
“What are you doing to yourself? Let me in: help me understand.”
“They’re not working,” I manage to get out between panicked breaths.
I watch him for a beat as his gaze flicks between my eyes before taking one last breath and shoving him away with all of my strength. He stumbles back as I pull at the wires that are coming out of my arms, my movements frantic as I grab my thigh, squeezing it and shouting, “Feel, dammit!”
“Your legs aren’t working?” he asks in a panicked voice before he leans over me, slamming his hand against something on the wall, a loud beeping alarm sounding around us as he grips my arms and tries to restrain me.
Several sets of footsteps sound, coming faster and faster, the rhythm like that of a large drum before three people dressed in scrubs appear in the room.
Nate keeps his hands gripped around my left arm as one of the men holds down my other, the second grasping the leg that isn’t covered in plaster—not that I can feel what I’m assuming is a firm grip or even move them for them to be a problem—before a portly woman with a dark-brown pixie cut moves closer.
“I need you to calm down, you’ll cause more—”
“I can’t feel my legs!” I scream so loud my throat burns like I have a thousand fire ants crawling inside it.
Her eyes widen before she schools her features and shouts, “We need to sedate her!”
“No! Please,” I beg as she’s handed a large needle. “I just want to be able to feel my legs.”
“It’s okay, Lia, I’m right here,” Nate says softly, but I can hear the tremble in his voice as he tries to get closer to me.
“Sir, you shouldn’t be in here. You need to leave,” the nurse holding the needle says sternly.
I shake my head back and forth, my hair flying around my face as I start to panic. “He can’t leave!” I shout. “I need him here,” my voice croaks as I manage to whisper, “I need him here.”
I stare at Nate, begging him with my eyes to help fix me, to find all the broken pieces and put me back together again, but the sorrow shining back at me tells me he can’t. He can’t put me back together again—no one can.
He moves in closer, not breaking eye contact with me. “It’s okay, everything’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
My muscles start to wane, tiredness overtaking me at an alarming rate before I lift my hand, cupping his cheek and feeling the rough scruff on his face against my palm. “Fix me… please.”
I watch helplessly as the nurse injects the liquid into Amelia’s drip, my gaze flicking between the needle and Amelia’s eyes as they start to shut. I refuse to take my focus off her until she’s fully under and they’ve started to bandage up her side again.
As soon as her eyelids flutter closed, a voice sounds from behind me. “What the hell is going on?”
I spin around, my gaze connecting with Carl’s as the nurse says, “The doctor is on his way and we’ll know more then, but your daughter was becoming increasingly agitated and we didn’t want her to do more damage than good. We had to sedate her.”
“She said she couldn’t feel her legs, I didn’t know what to do,” I mumble when she’s finished speaking, still in a daze.
His eyes flash as he takes a step toward us. “She what?”
I lower myself onto a chair beside Amelia. “She woke up and started hitting her legs saying they weren’t working.”
A panicked look crosses his features and we both turn as Doctor Bale walks in, glancing around the room. The nurse rushes over to him and everyone else in the room steps back from Amelia.
The nurse whispers to the doctor and he turns toward us, looking at Carl first and giving him a small smile. “I’m afraid there’s nothing much I can tell you right now that wouldn’t be speculation, but I’m going to order an MRI scan so we can see what’s really happening.”
I turn and grasp Amelia’s hand as they start to make her machines portable, praying for the first time in my life that everything will be okay.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and Carl nods at me, making me let go of her hand and watch as they wheel her out of the room.
“As soon as she’s awake we’ll go through the results.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Carl says and Doctor Bale nods before he walks out of the room.
I stand up and walk out behind him, feeling like I can’t breathe. My chest constricts and I manage to make it out of the ICU and into the hallway before my legs start to feel like Jell-O and I slide down the wall, head between my knees.
I take a few deep breaths as I try to tell myself that this isn’t happening, that mere hours ago I didn’t see the woman I love being pushed over a railing thirty feet off the ground. As I lift my head, seeing I’m still in the hospital, the reality of it hits me full force and I can’t stop the tears from making tracks down my cheeks like a fast-flowing river.
“Nate?”
I don’t take my eyes away from a scuff on the wall opposite me but I know it’s Tris. “She…” I can’t get the words out to tell him that she can’t feel her legs.
“Nate, you need to talk to me, she’s my family, too.”
I swallow the building lump in my throat, having to try a couple of times to get some control over it before I croak out, “It’s her legs… she has no feeling in them.”
I pull my gaze away from the scuff to see Tris with his head in his hands. “She’s paralyzed?”
That word causes shivers to roll through me like I’ve just caught a chill. “I don’t know, they’re taking her for scans now.”
“Fuck,” he chokes, throwing his head back as he grips his hair in his hands. His gaze meets mine and something crosses his features before he pushes his shoulders back and says, “Let’s stay positive until we hear the results.”
The laugh that escapes me sounds hollow. “She can’t feel her legs, Tris. The results won’t change the way I feel about her, I’m not going anywhere, but… shit! She might not be able to walk again.”
The cold hard truth of it all is a big burden to bear, so I can’t imagine what she was feeling when she couldn’t move. The simple use of our body is something we all take for granted, and just like that it was so easily taken away from her.
“You can’t think like that, not until we find out more.”
I lean my head back against the wall as I mull over what Tris said. He’s right, I have to try and be strong for her; no matter how much it’s killing me inside.
“I know it’s not easy, me more than anyone can sympathize with that,” he adds.
“No, you’re right.” I clear my throat and stand up, noticing for the first time that Harm is standing a few feet away, crying silent tears. “I can’t break while she’s the one going through all this.”
Tris looks up at her and stands, walking over and scooping her into his arms.
“Why don’t you guys go home?” The words are out of my mouth before I’ve even thought about me having no one here for support, but I need to be alone right now.
Harm pulls away from Tris, wiping at her eyes. “No, I’m fine, honestly.”
“I’m off work until next week and Maya is taken care of. I have nowhere else to be but here, but you guys both have jobs, the kids, and a life to get on with.”
“The kids are with Tilly. And with Sarah and Willow at the studio now I have more time on my hands.”
I sigh. “Harm?”
“Yeah?”
“Go home, you look tired.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “You look more tired.”
I chuckle softly before looking at Tris. I don’t need to say anything because he knows what I’m thinking as he nods and faces Harm. “Come on, we’ll go home and see the kids and come back tomorrow.”
She huffs out a breath before turning toward me. “We’ll bring you a change of clothes in the morning, but you need to eat something.”
The doors to the ICU swing open and Carl walks out, eyeing each one of us up, his gaze landing on me. “I said I’d keep you informed so I’m going to go and meet with the detectives now.” Sadness flashes through his gaze before he clears his throat and it’s gone as quick as it was there. “Need to keep my mind busy.”
I nod and he pats my shoulder as he walks past us and down the hallway.
“Eat something,” Tris says before pulling me in for a hug and patting me on the back.
He pulls away and Harm replaces him, squeezing me tightly. “I’m optimistic,” she tells me softly against my chest before stepping back.
I can’t muster up more than a small smile as they say their goodbyes and leave me alone in the hallway.
I slide down the wall again and hang my head in my hands, going over everything I could’ve done differently. I know it won’t do anybody any good, but I can’t help it. I could’ve stopped her from leaving. I should’ve stopped her from leaving. If I had, maybe she wouldn’t be in this position right now.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here before the nurse who put Amelia to sleep walks out of the ICU and jumps at seeing me in front of the doors.
With a hand over her chest, she whisper-shouts, “You frightened me!”
I chuckle mirthlessly and stand up. “Sorry, I was in my head.”
A sympathetic look crosses her face before she says, “She’s back in her room if you’d like to go in.”
“But—”
“She said she wanted you there, that’s good enough for me.” She opens the door wider and motions for me to walk on ahead. “Any idea where her dad is?”
“He said he was speaking to the police. I don’t know whether he left or not.”
She nods. “I’ll page around and see if anyone has seen a bunch of cops, they’re not very inconspicuous, y’know.”
“No, I guess they’re not.”
With one last smile from her, I turn around and walk down the hallway toward Amelia’s room. I don’t know what to expect when I walk in, but I breathe a sigh of relief that she’s sleeping soundly.
She needs the rest so she can heal and if I’m really honest with myself, I don’t want another repeat performance of earlier. I can’t take her begging me to help her—to fix her—it’s too much because I know apart from being here for her, there’s nothing more I can do.
I close the door behind me and sit in the chair I was in earlier, watching her sleep. She looks so peaceful apart from the odd frown creasing her brow I’d like to help erase.
After a little while my eyes start to sting and I shut them, leaning back in the chair and listening to the machines beep around me.