I close the door quietly behind me, letting Ramsey sleep. He’s barely slept in the five days since Ruck pulled the trigger and ended his own life, and it’s starting to take its toll on him. He hasn’t cried since that night up on the hill. In fact, he’s not talked about it at all, and I don’t know how to get him to open up. Despite his quietness, his pain is obvious to see. It’s evident in the way he moves, a bone-deep grief that he’s drowning in, and I don’t know how to help him out of it.
“Hey,” I call over to Lia at the kitchen door as I pass.
“Hey, sweet girl.” She smiles sadly back at me but continues to stir the huge pot of Chili she’s cooking to feed all the boys today. They’ve all stayed at HQ since that night, keeping close, showing solidarity, and Lia’s way of dealing with it all is to keep herself busy and look after everyone the only way she knows how. “How is he?” She drops the big wooden spoon in the sink and comes over to me.
I shrug. “He still hasn’t said much. Doesn’t want to eat. Doesn’t want to drink.”
“Give him time. With the funeral hanging over us, all the boys are feeling low.”
“Yeah.” I lean against the doorframe and pick at the skin on my fingers. “I just wish there was something I could do, you know?”
“Me too.” She rubs my arm gently.
“Are you doing okay?” I ask her. Ruck was like a son to her. They were close.
Her lip quivers and her eyes fill up with tears. “I’m fine.” She brushes down the front of her top and gets back to busying herself around the kitchen.
“Lia…”
“I know what you’re going to say, Sadie.” She talks over her shoulder, avoiding eye contact with me. “But I can’t break. The boys, JJ, they need us to be their strength, okay.” She turns and looks at me sternly. “They don’t need to be worrying about us all crying in the kitchen.”
“I know.” I step forward and take her hand. “But I want you to know that you have me, too. I’m here for you, Lia.”
She nods, but her usual warm hug doesn’t come because I’m sure she thinks it’ll break the dam that’s holding her grief back. She’s one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. Nothing matters more to her than JJ. For him, she’ll do anything.
“Lia, I was wondering if I could borrow your car…”
“What for, princess?” JJ’s voice grumbles over my shoulder, and I jump out of my skin. “Sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to startle you. “Where do you want to go? I’ll have one of the boys drive you.”
“Thanks, but…” I chew on my lip wondering if this is really the time to assert my independence.
“Yes…” JJ widens his eyes, waiting for me to finish my sentence.
“I don’t like being dependent on anyone, JJ. I had my own car, my own life, my own free will. I just want to go to the store, pick up some…women’s things, and drive myself back. I’ll be careful, I promise.”
I’m craving freedom. Living here at HQ for the last few days, breathing the air that’s thick with grief and pain, and drowning in the heavy silence surrounding us all, is hard.
I just want an hour.
An hour where the outside world continues to live. An hour when life goes on, and no one knows my grief, just for a moment.
“Okay.” He surprises me by tossing up a set of keys from his pocket for me to catch.
“What, no resistance, no refusal?” I frown, still holding out my hand with the keys.
“You’re a grown woman. I’m not going to push you away by telling you what you can and can’t do. You’re not a prisoner, Sadie, that’s not how it works around here.” I glance over to Lia who raises her brow and a proud smile beams across her face. “How’s Ram?” JJ says, changing the subject.
“Pretty much the same.” I shrug. “He’s finally sleeping. I don’t know how long for, though. I’ll try and be back before he wakes.”
“I’ll check on him in a while,” Lia says, coming to my side.
“And are you doing okay, Princess?” JJ asks, stroking my cheek with his thumb and looking at me intensely.
“Yeah,” I say as convincingly as I can manage.
“C’mere.” He pulls me into him, wrapping me up in his protective arms and kissing me on the top of my head. “I guess I can’t keep you locked up in here forever.” He sighs.
“No.” I laugh gently.
“Go. Don’t be long. I don’t have to tell you to be vigilant, do I?”
“No different to how I’ve always lived.” I kiss his cheek and smile as I leave.
It feels so good to be behind the wheel again. Of course, I would have preferred it to have been my Camaro, but she’s not going anywhere in the near future. Poor thing is sitting in the corner of the yard looking like she’ll be used as a flower planter before long. But wheels are wheels, and that means freedom and independence to me. I refuse to live in fear of what may happen, and despite everything that went on with The Wolves, they seem to have backed off. Maybe they heard about Ruck’s death and actually have some respect.
But I do notice someone tailing me.
Razor.
Which means that JJ didn’t keep to his word and let me come to the store alone, but instead of being mad, I smile. Too much bad shit has happened around here lately, and he’s just protecting me. It feels good.
Razor slows right down as I glide into the parking space at the store. He’s trying to remain inconspicuous, but failing miserably. I laugh as I click the fob to lock the car doors, and give him a little wave as he crawls slowly down the street on his loud, unmistakable Harley. He lowers his head but soon realizes that there’s no way he can cover the fact that he’s there, tailing me.
I leave him hovering outside, strangely comforted by his presence despite insisting that I come alone and browse the aisles at the store. The simplicity of such everyday, mundane tasks, lifts some of the grief that’s weighed us all down over the last few days, and it’s a welcome reprieve even for just a few minutes.
“Sadie?” A voice startles me from my thoughts, and I turn to a familiar face.
It’s the girl from the police cell. For a second, my heart sinks. No matter what you do, no matter how far you come, or if you’ve moved on with your life, your past always taps you on the shoulder. “Uh.” I smile while trying to recall her name. “Carrie, isn’t it?”
“Yes. How are you doing?” she asks. I note the dark circles she still carries under her eyes, and if it’s at all possible, her frail body looks even thinner than before.
“Um…I’m good.” I smile, feeling like a complete hypocrite. I’m not good. I’m barely holding it together. It’s a brave front, one that I’ve perfected for years, but which is weakening with every tragedy that occurs. I’m pretty sure that the next time someone asks me how I am, I’m either gonna lose my mind and put a bullet in their head, or break down in a flood of tears at their feet. “Do you have somewhere to stay?” I ask out of concern, remembering how down on her luck she was. We shared a connection in that cell, even in such a short space of time. She risked a beating for nme, and I feel like I owe her.
“You know me,” she says, glancing around the aisle nervously.
“Here,” I say, pulling some money from my purse. “Have this. It’s not much, I know. But maybe you can get some food and a motel for the night… Fuck, I wish I could give you more, it’s just that—”
She places her hand over mine, silencing me. “Sadie, I don’t want your money.”
“Oh.” I frown.
“Are you in a hurry? Can we grab a coffee?”
“You want coffee?” She wants my time. Coffee and company for just a half-hour. How can I deny her that?
“Sure, there’s a cute little coffee shop just two doors down.” She links her arm in mine before I can protest, and practically drags me past the cashier without even giving me a chance to buy anything.
“What’s the hurry,” I question, pulling back slightly as she marches me out onto the sidewalk. “Is everything—”
A man steps in front of us, stopping us dead. “Hi, Sadie.”
I glance upward across a broad chest, a tattooed neck and familiar dark eyes. “Nate!” My mouth drops open as Carrie unhooks her arm from mine, and my mind races to comprehend what’s going on. I take a step back, desperately looking around for Razor, but he’s not anywhere to be seen. So I try to run, but I’m not fast enough, and Nate grabs me by my upper arms, pinning them tightly to my sides. “Sorry, Sadie. You ain’t getting away this time.” He grins—a sadistic, cruel offering, showing me a side that I’ve never seen before. It slams into my heart, making it skip a beat and struggle to regulate to a normal rhythm again.
“NO!” I yell, in the hopes that someone nearby will hear my cries and come to my aid. But a hand clamps around my mouth from behind. A dirty rag. A sweet, sickly taste is invading my mouth and nostrils as I try to scream.
“I’m sorry, Sadie,” I hear Carrie say as I start to lose my ability to fight. My head swims with darkness, and the last thing I see is Nate’s cruel smile.