Chapter Eighteen

 

 

 

It’s a little bit difficult to concentrate on putting on a bit of eyeliner when Carter can see Scott staring at him in the mirror. His gaze keeps drifting to Scott, to the soft smile on his face, and away from the pencil an inch from his eye. Carter finally gives up and turns around, resting his ass on the counter to face Scott.

“You’re too distracting,” he says. “I can’t get ready.”

“What if I don’t want you to get ready?” Scott asks impishly.

Carter rolls the eyeliner pencil between his finger and thumb, considering. “You know I’d rather stay here.”

“I know.”

“Especially after yesterday, after... last night. I wish I could be here with you.”

“I get it,” Scott says quietly. His smile fades and Carter’s heart clenches; he doesn’t want to make Scott unhappy like this. He doesn’t want to disappoint him. “Work is important.”

It’s not more important than you, Carter thinks, but he can’t say that. His work is important - for both of them - and if he even admits the possibility of staying home, skipping out on these interviews... Then he’ll never leave.

“You know you’re welcome to come with me...you know, if you want,” Carter ventures, already knowing what Scott’s answer will be. His thoughts flicker back to last tour, to all those nights of going out, Scott electing to stay back at the hotel. He’s never been with someone so introverted before. But maybe it’ll be nice. He’s so busy now with work obligations anyway...it might be good to do more staying home.

Today, though, he has no choice, and he glances down at his phone with a sigh. Time to go. Scott still hasn’t replied, and when Carter looks at him he can see the conflict in Scott’s eyes. He reaches out and pulls Scott into a tight hug.

“You don’t have to, baby. It’s okay. I’m used to it.” He pulls away and holds Scott at arm’s length. “We’ll have time together tonight. I’m not toobusy yet.”

“Before tour?”

“Yeah,” Carter says. “We have until tour. And then we have tour. So don’t worry about it.”

Scott nods and rakes his fingers back through his hair. “I, um...I thought some more about what you said. Last night.”

Carter raises his eyebrows, surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah. And I just want you to know that I am thinking about it. It’s just really...new, you know?” Scott takes a quick breath, laughing a little on the exhale. “I mean, not you. I’ve thought about you for a long time. But I guess I never thought anything would actually happen, or like, what it would mean if it did.”

At that, Carter just doesn’t have a choice, has to frame Scott’s face with his hands and kiss him, slow and deep. He’s beaming when he pulls back, and a warm feeling goes all through him when he realizes Scott’s answering smile goes all the way to his eyes.

“Hold that thought, baby. When I get back, I want to know just how long.”

Usually, Carter uses time alone in the car to get himself psyched up for whatever he’s driving to. For a day of interviews, that means practicing his polite smile and reminding himself what not to say. But today, he can’t stop thinking about Scott, waiting for him back at home. He wonders what Scott’s doing, if he’s watching TV or playing his guitar or if he’s just gone back to sleep. And that makes him think about Scott in bed, in his bed, maybe sprawled out right in the middle, taking up as much room as possible with Carter gone. It would be so easy to crawl right up on top of him, to...

Carter shakes himself and turns the music up louder. He so cannot be thinking about Scott in bed right now. He forces himself to think instead about all the things Matt prepped him for. There will be questions about his new single, and about his tour schedule, and about Alex. Carter’s not looking forward to those questions at all, but Matt’s right: their break-up was so public, it has to be controlled in the press. There’s no way to escape it. He just has to suck it up and face them down, and then politely turn the conversation back to his music. He’s certainly had enough practice doing that.

By the time he checks in at the studio’s front desk, he’s feeling pretty confident. Except for Alex, it’s nothing Carter hasn’t faced before. A production assistant leads him to a dressing room, where a makeup artist brushes his face with powder to get rid of any shine, and then he’s out on the studio floor, until a million blinding lights and with a microphone clipped to his lapel.

The interviewer, a guy named Bill, hasn’t arrived yet. One of the PAs tells Carter he’s still in makeup, and Carter waves off her offer of coffee or a snack while he waits. He really wants to take a picture of the empty chair next to him and text it to Scott with the words wish you were here, but if Scott’s napping, or if he’s practicing his guitar... Carter doesn’t want to disturb him. Especially with something so embarrassingly romantic. He’s not quite sure they’re up to that point in their relationship.

Relationship, he thinks with amusement. They’ve been together a day - two weeks, if he’s counting from their first hookup. It only feels like longer.

Bill comes in and the entire studio bursts into motion, readying cameras and checking microphones and lights. Bill shakes Carter’s hand and introduces himself, and he seems like a nice enough guy, if a little distracted. Carter just smiles and nods along. He’s already wishing for this to be over. The cameras start rolling. Carter makes sure his smile doesn’t drop.

After a very scripted intro, Bill turns in his chair to face Carter and says, “I’m here today with Carter Saint, who’s going to tell us a little about his new single and his upcoming tour. Your third, right?”

Carter nods. “My third tour headlining, yes. I’m looking forward to it!”

“Can you tell us a little about it?”

This is something Carter can do in his sleep. He relaxes a little. “Well, it’ll be another world tour, and I’m trying to get to as many places as possible. I know last time around I missed out on a few countries, so I’m definitely trying to get there, and see all my international fans. And this time, it’s much more about the feeling, and the melodies, and the joy of it. Lots of dancing, lots of lights. I have a whole effects team traveling with me. It’ll be big, for sure, but my band and I are looking forward to it a lot.”

“So it will be focused mainly on the new album?” Bill prompts.

“Yeah, definitely. I mean, of course I’ll bring back some of the fan favorites, but this tour is really about exploring the physicality of the songs that I wrote. Staging them, choreographing them, lighting them, things like that.”

“It’s a much happier album than your previous one - I hope that doesn’t sound strange. I just mean, it seems more optimistic.”

Carter’s heart sinks. He knew this was coming. Keep going, he tells himself, and forces his smile to remain intact. “It is, yeah. On the last album, I tried to experiment a little with duality. Make it a little darker, play with contrasts, but for this one, I really had a much clearer vision. More... concise. More coherent.”

“The first single was definitely a love song, is that right?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you picked the new single yet? Can you give us an inside scoop?”

“I have, actually! Right now I’m working on getting the video all squared away - we haven’t shot yet, but it’s coming up soon. We’re trying to get it all finished before tour, and I’m really excited. I’ve got some great people signed on for it, to direct and for costumes and makeup, things like that. Amazing dancers. It’ll be really fun.”

“But you can’t tell us what song?”

“Not yet, but I mean, the whole album is...”

“It’s all about falling in love, isn’t it? Love and romance.”

“Exactly, yeah.”

Carter sees a flash in Bill’s eyes that makes him nervous, but he doesn’t even have time to prepare himself before Bill asks, “It’s about your relationship with fashion model Jacob Cruz, isn’t that right?”

Carter feels his face freeze. He tries not to let the facade slip. “I don’t think I’ve made a secret about that, yeah.”

“But you and he aren’t together anymore? Or is that just a rumor you can put to rest?”

“It’s not a rumor,” Carter says firmly. “We’re no longer together. But it was for the best, and it was time for us to part ways. Of course I wish him all the best, but - ”

“But it was really public, wasn’t it? When he left you?”

“He didn’t - We broke up, yeah, and unfortunately we caused a scene, but that’s not really how it - ”

“Isn’t it true that you already have a new boyfriend, though? That’s quite a fast turnaround.” Bill laughs, like he’s joking, but Carter can see right through him. He wonders how much Matt told him, if Matt gave him anything about Scott specifically. He hopes not.

“I...” Carter swallows and laughs a little along with Bill. He can’t afford to look like an idiot right now. He tells himself it’s all planned out, all scripted. Nothing can go wrong now. “I am seeing someone, yes. But like you said, it’s kind of fast. I’m trying to keep it... not quiet, but, you know... Private. For the time being.”

“According to our, uh... twitter-sources-you know they watch you like a hawk. Your fans are pretty intense!”

“They are, definitely, but they mean well. They’re-”

“Apparently you’ve been out and about with your guitarist, Scott? Is that right?”

Carter can’t remember seeing any press articles about himself and Scott, but he hasn’t been keeping track of his twitter feed. He has no idea what kind of paparazzi photos are floating around on the internet. He decides to be honest - mostly honest, anyway.

“Yeah, I’ve been hanging out with some friends. When Alex and I broke up, of course I needed some time to regroup, so I was really glad to have everyone around me, supporting me. And my fans have been so great, too. Sending me letters and tweets. They’ve really helped me.”

“So are you and Scott together now?” Bill turns to face the camera. “For those of you who don’t remember, Scott Joe Ward is the one Carter famously - or infamously - kissed during a performance on the American Music Awards several years ago. And he’s played in your band ever since, isn’t that right?”

“Yeah, he has. We’re really good friends.”

“But during that whole disaster-”

“I wouldn’t say it was a-”

“You insisted Scott was straight, right? But now it’s looking like he bats for the other team. So, how did you finally turn him?” Bill winks and nudges Carter with his elbow, smiling broadly.

“Excuse me?” Carter’s mind is completely and utterly blank. He suppresses an urge to punch Bill’s stupidly white teeth out of his head.

“Oh, come on, Carter-”

“No. No, that’s... That’s not what happened, and I don’t appreciate you talking about me or my friends that way. What Scott and I do is our own business, and questions like that are exactly why I’ve decided to keep my relationships private from now on.”

“So you are with Scott now? I guess this can serve as his official coming out; you can’t get much more out than if you’re sleeping with Carter Saint, isn’t that right?” Bill’s acting like he’s joking again, but Carter doesn’t care. He clenches his hands around the armrests of his chair.

“No, he’s not out, and if he ever comes out, that’s his choice,” Carter hisses. “I won’t talk about him, and I won’t talk about what kind of relationship he has with me. He’s my friend, and he’s in my band, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Thankfully, Bill seems to finally pick up on Carter’s tone. He turns back to the camera and says, “Well, that’s all we have time for with Carter. We’ll be sure to keep you posted on news about his upcoming single!” He looks at Carter again and offers his hand. Carter shakes it. If he squeezes a little too hard, Bill doesn’t let on. “You can be sure we’ll be playing that video when it comes out! Thanks for joining us today, Carter.”

Carter grits his teeth and forces a smile. It probably comes out as more of a grimace. “Thanks for having me.”

It seems like an eternity before the camera shuts off. Carter lets his face fall and his shoulders slump, and Bill shakes Carter’s hand again.

“Thanks a lot, Carter, that was great. We’ll let you know when it airs!”

“Don’t bother.”

He collects his things from the dressing room and talks to as few people as possible, brushing off requests for autographs and photos, and he’s not even back to his car before his phone starts buzzing. Carter desperately wishes to see Scott’s name flashing on the screen, but of course it’s Matt. He sighs and presses the button to answer.

“I can’t talk right now, I’m driving,” he says loudly.

“You haven’t left the building yet,” Matt replies.

Carter looks around the parking complex nervously. “How do you know that?”

“I know everything. I know you fucked up this interview. Carter, I told you they would ask about your boyfriend. You have no excuse for flying off the rails-”

“I didn’t fly off the rails!” Carter protests. “The guy was being a dick. I’m surprised I held it together as well as I did.”

“From what I hear, you didn’t hold it together at all.”

“I didn’t punch him in front of the cameras,” Carter mutters.

“That’s your only saving grace right now. This thing about Scott is going to be all over the internet in a matter of hours, and it’ll really explode once they air this interview on Wednesday. We have to handle it now, while we still can, before it becomes a bigger story.”

“Can’t you just keep it from airing?” Carter asks. He’s whining and he knows it, but he lets himself do it anyway. That’s what managers are for.

“He’s the story, Carter - everyone wants to know about your new boyfriend. It was gonna come out sooner or later, kid. Might as well get it over with. Now, take him out to dinner tomorrow night. I’m making you a reservation. There will be wine and candles and flowers, the whole shebang. I’m not taking no for an answer. Do this, Carter. Think of it like a paid appearance.”

“Scott doesn’t do appearances,” Carter says through gritted teeth. “He’s not that famous. He doesn’t want to be.”

“He is now, and he’s doing it. Talk him into it if you have to. I expect both of you at that restaurant with smiling, happy faces.”

It’s no use arguing with Matt. He has Carter’s best interests at heart, Carter knows that; it’s just hard sometimes to follow Matt’s plans. He takes a deep breath. “Fine. Whatever.” Then he hangs up the phone.

Carter gets into his car and slams the door, but he doesn’t put the key in the ignition. He sits with his head in his hands, staring down at the frayed cuff of his jeans. He wanted to spend tomorrow with Scott, alone, but Matt’s right. They need to control their press before it gets out of hand. The fans will go crazy enough as it is.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

It’s only dinner. And Carter’s determined to make it a nice dinner, especially if his management’s footing the bill. He still gets to spend the day with Scott, and it’s not like he hadn’t been planning to take Scott out somewhere romantic anyway. Just not this soon.

Carter’s still angry when he gets home, grinding his teeth and gripping the steering wheel too hard, and he slams the car door behind him when he finally gets parked. He knows better than this, knows better than to bring work home with him. Fucking Twitter, fucking Bill, fucking Matt, dragging Scott into this whole publicity game. The last thing Carter wants is for Scott to feel like work, too.

He pauses at the door and forces himself to take a deep breath. Whatever else this is, it isn’t Scott’s fault.

He hears Scott’s guitar before he sees him, and by the time Carter gets to the living room, Scott’s discarded the guitar on the couch and is jumping up to launch himself into Carter’s arms. Despite himself, Carter laughs, and his arms come around Scott’s narrow shoulders in a hug.

“Missed you,” Scott says into Carter’s chest.

Carter lets his head rest on the top of Scott’s, since he doesn’t seem to be interested in moving any time soon. “Missed you too, baby. Not too bored while I was gone, I hope?”

Scott shakes his head. “I, um...I sort of worked on a song. Thing.”

“Yeah?”

“You wanna, like, hear it?” Scott’s voice is still muffled in Carter’s shirt, and Carter can practically feel him blushing even through the material. He squeezes Scott tighter.

“Baby, I’d love to-in a little bit, though? After dinner maybe?” Carter suggests, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible.

Scott pulls back a little and looks up to meet Carter’s eyes. “Shit. What happened?”

Carter sighs inwardly. He’s never been very good at hiding his emotions. “I had an interview today...”

“I know.”

“It didn’t go very well,” Carter says carefully. “He was tipped off, he must’ve seen some pictures or something, I don’t know, but... He asked me about you.”

Scott’s voice is very quiet when he asks, “What about me?” Carter isn’t sure how to answer, and Scott continues, laughing a little. Carter can feel the nervous tension radiating from him. “I’m guessing it wasn’t about the AMAs. Again.”

“Well...that too. Sort of everything, I guess. So much for keeping things private,” Carter says bitterly.

Scott’s quiet for a long time. Finally, he leans up and kisses Carter’s lips, softly and slowly. When he pulls back again, his face is solemn, but he doesn’t seem upset. “It’s okay, Carter. You’re...you’re worth it. Keeping things under wraps was a pipe dream, anyway. Had to come out sometime.”

“I didn’t want it to be now,” Carter grumbles. “I wanted time to just... be with you.” He shakes himself, forcing away some of the anger. “Fuck ‘em. I want to take you out tomorrow. Fancy restaurant, candles and wine, all of it. And maybe a movie? Now that it’s out there, I might as well show you off. Will you do that with me, Scott Joe?”

It feels a little bit like lying, more when Scott’s face lights up, then tenses. And it’s not like Carter doesn’t want those things, but...god, they’ve been together, really together, for hardly any time at all. Everything feels new and fragile, like something as small as the flash of a camera could tear it all apart.

“You really want that? To go out with me and...be seen with me?” Scott asks, and Carter’s frustration rises again. He wants to grab Scott by the shoulders and shake him, make him realize that it’s just as much about him being seen with Carter as Carter being seen with him, and really not about being seen at all.

“Of course I do,” he snaps. “I said I did, and I have for a long fucking time, all right? You have to trust me. I want this. Just...” Carter trails off and sighs, feeling some of his anger ebb. “Just believe that, okay? Scott?”

“I do,” Scott tells him quietly, his face falling. “It’s just... new. I never thought you would, and I... I kept telling myself that you’d never... you know. Think that. Feel that. About me.”

And Carter understands that, he does. He did the same with Scott, convinced himself since they met that Scott would never want him. But now that he knows Scott does want him, has wanted him for a while now... All he feels is happiness. “I know,” he says. “But now I get that you want to be with me. I don’t need you to tell me that over and over. You know what I mean? I wish you would trust that I want to be with you, too. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

“I’m sorry,” Scott whispers. He ducks his head down and reaches for Carter’s hand. “I do trust you, I swear. I’ll do better.”

“Oh, Scott,” Carter sighs. One of these days he’s going to ask, about Scott’s parents and what it was like growing up Catholic and what his high school was like, and maybe he’s finally gonna figure out who made Scott believe he’s so much...less. Less than he is. But not today. Not while he’s angry. He can’t deal with that knowledge, not right now.

These are the things you’re supposed to find out in a relationship, anyway, he tells himself. They’re supposed to have the long talks about their pasts, their scars. There’s time for that. He grasps Scott’s wrist and squeezes gently, and then pulls himself away.

“Let’s make some dinner, all right? You hungry?”

“Sure,” Scott replies. “Yeah.”

Scott doesn’t mention the date again until Carter stands up from the dinner table, dishes in hand. He wonders if Scott’s been thinking about it this whole time, all the way through cooking and eating and talking about safe, easy things. Music. TV. Hair products.

“Carter?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Of course I wanna go out with you. Flowers, candles, all that shit. Let’s do it,” Scott says, sounding determined.

Carter sets the empty plates back down on the table and comes around to stroke his fingers through Scott’s hair. “Are you sure? There’s probably-definitely-gonna be cameras. Part of the package.”

Scott makes a contented sound under Carter’s touch and nods. “I’m sure. I wanna go out with my boyfriend.”

Hearing Scott use that term makes Carter’s breath catch, and he grins and leans down to wrap his arms gently around Scott’s neck and plant a kiss in his messy hair.

“Then it’s a date.”