McKinley had just texted me and told me that she would be here in about ten minutes. Her message, ‘On my way... see you in 10,’ sent shivers down my spine. And it wasn’t the same feeling of excitement I had before when we spoke. Now, it was absolute, bone-chilling fear.

I didn’t text her back, because I was afraid I might be tempted to tell her to turn right back around and go home. But she was owed an explanation. I needed to tell her… something. There was really no way around this. I had to tell her the truth.

My stress had been doubled yesterday during my meeting with the department chair, Dan Daniels, when I found out that McKinley was at Las Positas on a full academic scholarship. We were talking about how I was adjusting to my job, and my new students, when he mentioned McKinley specifically and remarked that she was one of the brightest students he’s seen in the program years. All at once, I realized how much was riding on what we were doing. It wasn’t just about my job anymore or Casaundra’s threats…

It was about making sure that McKinley was able to finish her time at Las Positas and accomplish everything she had worked so hard for.

I didn’t even care about myself at that point. Casaundra had made it more than clear that I only had two options and either way, I was about to lose my job.

At first, I thought she was kidding, and that maybe she was just trying to scare me. But she made it clear that she was more than serious when she finally admitted why she had been so hostile to me since my first day at orientation.

“I was supposed to get tenure before they hired you,” Casaundra said. “I have been working my ass off for a decade at this garbage little university to try and secure a permanent position. And then you show up, with your lazy credentials and complete lack of publishing history, and suddenly the budget disappears to allow anyone on the tenure track to get the positions they were promised. So, there are only two ways this can go.”

I gulped and took two measured steps away from her, suddenly afraid she might stab me with a pen. “And what two ways are that?”

Casaundra smiled like a snake. “Either you quit and save a shred of your dignity, or I go to the dean and tell him that you are fucking a student. Which will end your career at any school… not just this one. And while the dean can’t take action against your little girlfriend, I can promise you this; it won’t reflect well on her when word gets out about what she has been up to.”

I couldn’t bear the thought of ruining things for McKinley too. She was so young and had so much going for her. Were we worth destroying her future over? I cared about her so much… In fact, I realized how much because I suddenly became aware I was willing to let her go to make sure she wasn’t hurt. For the first time in my rotten, selfish life, her needs mattered more than my own. As much as it killed me, I knew what had to be done. I needed to end things before they affected her, my career be damned.

I looked at my phone and knew she’d be here any minute. I had to figure out how to end things with her, and in a way that would break it off clean. I knew for a fact that I couldn’t tell her the truth, though. I didn’t want her to feel culpable for any of this. I quickly brainstormed some possible excuses. Maybe I could use the age gap, and explain that I was too old for her? But I knew she wouldn’t buy that after how hard I had argued the opposite just a few days ago.

The obvious answer was to tell her it was a terrible idea for me to date a student, and I should have ended things when I realized she was in my class. But McKinley was stubborn, and I had a feeling she’d start looking for ways around it, none of which would satisfy Casaundra and all of which would still put McKinley at risk. No, I needed to push her away. As much as it broke my heart… I needed to push her away.

Then the doorbell rang, startling me from my thoughts. I could see McKinley’s shape through the frosted glass window of my door, and instantly, I felt a shockwave of tension course through my body. I slowly unlocked the door and cracked it open at a snail’s pace. Stalling wasn’t going to do me any good, but it allowed me a little time to marinate in my misery.

“Hey, Knight,” she said, beaming at me with cheerful eyes and a cheery grin. She gave me a tender kiss on my cheek.

“Hey McKinley, thanks for stopping by,” I said way more formally than I meant to. I sounded like I was greeting a co-worker I’d never met.

“Did you get a chance to eat yet?” she asked me, slipping off her jacket and tossing it onto my sideboard. She was so comfortable here already, and that was going to make this all the harder.

“No, I haven’t. I’m not really hungry,” I answered, rocking back and forth on my heels.

“Well, I’m starving,” she said, dramatically grabbing her stomach. “I’m in the mood for some pizza,” she said with a smile. “There is this really great pizza place in the next town over. And no one should be there from school.”

Oh, god, no. We can’t go out in public. “I uh… I think I have a frozen pizza in the fridge. I can just make you that if you’re hungry.”

McKinley looks at me, confused. “What? No. Why can’t we go out?”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea if we go flouncing around in front of people like we are a real couple, okay?” Well, you are a world-class asshole, Knight. Well done, buddy. Jumping right in to being a complete dick.

McKinley looks at me, her eyes conveying a level of sadness I never wanted to see from her. “Knight… what is wrong with you?”

“I’m fine. Why would you think something’s wrong? Nothing is wrong,” I said, trying to regain control of my faculties in light of her breaking my heart.

“You just seem a little… cold. Are you sure everything’s okay? Did I do something wrong?”

“McKinley. Jesus, I’m fine. Just let it go.” I answered tersely, stalking toward the kitchen to pour myself a glass of scotch.

McKinley followed me, her steps heavy, and full of anger now. “I will not let it go. Why are you acting like this?”

“Drop it!” I barked at her, a little more sharply than I meant to. She took a step back and glared at me. Anger is better than sadness, I thought, as I tried not to betray my own devastation.

McKinley crossed her arms over chest and just… stared at me.

There was no avoiding this moment. It was better to just get it over with now. I sighed and tried not to hesitate. “McKinley, this isn’t working,” I managed to choke out.

“What do you mean it’s not working? What isn’t working?” she asked, her face contorting into a deep-set frown.

“This. This thing we’re doing… it’s not working.”

“You mean us? Why?” She folded her arms defensively, her eyes zeroing into my psyche in hopes of extracting a legitimate excuse from me.

I released a heavy, regretful breath. I had to stick to my guns and avoid the truth. The truth would only make things worse. She needed to hate me. I knew it was the only way to truly protect her.

“The truth…” I began, then stopped like a coward, hoping a better excuse would suddenly materialize. The room became insanely quiet as she stared me down. I only heard the steady, panicked beat of my own heart. McKinley leaned forward, anxious for an explanation. “The truth is… there’s someone else.” And the award for world’s biggest asshole goes to… Knight Ramsay!

Her eyes narrowed in a glare of pure rage as her arms dropped to her side. “You had me come all the way over here to tell me… what? You’re interested in someone else? Dating someone else? Fucking someone else?” She was getting more and more angry, and as much as it broke my heart, I needed her to hate me, so she would just forget about me.

“Does it matter, McKinley? There is someone else,” I lied. “What more do you need to know?”

“Of course, it matters! What was all of this? All of this bullshit? Were you just using me for a good time? Wasting my time? For what?”

God, you are killing me, McKinley. “Yes,” I said, not committing to any single question she had asked me. Lying had always been second nature to me. I had lied my way out of a hundred relationships I didn’t actually care about. But lying to McKinley right now was ripping me apart.

She bit her lip and just stared me down, as she processed everything I had said. It felt like forever before she finally whispered, “Why? Why are you doing this, Knight?”

“Because I’m an asshole, McKinley.” Well, that’s not a lie.

“You got that right!” she yelled at me as she stalked back to the hallway and grabbed her jacket. I followed even though my instinct told me to stay in the damn kitchen. When I got a little too close, she spun around, and before I could duck, she reared back and punched me square in the jaw. Even though I had it coming, it hurt like a bitch. She had one hell of a right hook.

“Knight, it was really nice to know you,” she said sarcastically. “I wish you all the best during your time at Las Positas. I hope you choke on that disgusting frozen pizza.”

McKinley stormed to the door, opened it, and left without looking back. I stood there immobile, while every fiber of me tingled with remorse, disappointment in myself, and anger for so thoroughly fucking up what could have been a good thing.

My mind flashed all the way back to the very first night I laid eyes on her. She was an absolute beauty, her curls long and radiant, her sparkling eyes, tender and innocent. Her smile, warm and true, lighting up my spirit whenever she laughed. She was smart, honest, generous, and amazing. And I’d just let her walk right out the door.

I turned around in a fury and kicked the wall a lot harder than I meant to, relishing the pain I instantly felt in my toes. I had singlehandedly obliterated what could have been the best thing to ever happen to me. The urge to run after her was strong, but I couldn’t do that. I had to remember why I did it.

I had to remember that her future was more important than my feelings.