Joe

I stand in the middle of the small room, too furious to move. My arms are wrapped around my rib cage, like I am trying to hold all my pieces together. This is outrageous. It’s a simple prescription, one that millions of women get. Why am I getting the country doctor act from this guy?

And just who the hell does he think he is, anyway? The sign on the door said Dr. Warner, but this is not the man that I remember. That guy had a lot of white hair coming out of his ears. When I was six, he told me it was cotton candy when I pointed it out. He was funny and nice, and always warmed up the disk of the stethoscope in the palm of his hand before pressing it to my back. I liked that guy.

This guy is… different. His hair is dark brown, neatly trimmed over his ears but a little longer on top so that it flops around when he’s speaking. I didn’t see any hair coming out of his ears, but did notice the dark blue of his piercing eyes. A little too muscular to be a doctor, I think. A little too broad. He looks like a fitness instructor or something.

As soon as I imagine him in a tank top and track pants I remember who he is: the guy from the hat shop. The one who thought I didn’t know how to use a key.

Oh, now it makes sense. He’s a doctor, so he’s accustomed to being allowed into people’s personal space. That’s why he just invited himself into my gallery without even introducing himself. That’s why he thought he could just chat with me. He probably thinks everybody is crazy about him too. Doctors are all ego.

I startle when a meek knock comes at the door, and the nurse pokes her head inside. She squints her nose apologetically as she comes in with a folded bit of fabric in her hands that she places on the exam table.

When she turns back around, she tips her head to the side for a millisecond, giving me that expression of recognition that means we must’ve gone to school together or something. It’s only her professional reserve that keeps her from squealing at me like Dusty did yesterday.

Well, thank goodness for that.

“You can just go ahead and get undressed,” she explains sympathetically, tapping the gown with her fingers. “Leave it open in the front. Untied is easiest but it’s up to you.”

“Open in the front?” I repeat incredulously. “This is really too much. All I want is a prescription!”

“Aw, yeah, hon,” she sighs sympathetically. “Such a bother, I know. Won’t take too long!”

As she shrugs, I try to place her. Maybe a little younger than me? Maybe we kicked a soccer ball around together in gym, in middle school? She’s definitely familiar, but not part of my main crew. Of course my main crew consisted of me and Didi, so there’s that.

Sensing my hesitation, she pats the gown again. “Just leave your clothes behind the screen,” she instructs me helpfully. “I can call your prescription into the pharmacy right after, so that will save you a few minutes. It’s still right there on Main Street.”

“Yes, okay,” I force myself to say, but it comes out all sarcastic like I’m trying to insult her or something.

Sensing that I’m going to comply, she nods and gestures toward the scale. She scribbles down my height and weight on the information sheet and barely looks at my designer shoes when I kick them off.

“Okay then!” she announces, clicking the pen closed. “Dr. Stud will be with you shortly.”

I cough-gasp, unsure of what I just heard.

“Dr. Stud?” I repeat, shocked. “Is that his actual name?”

“What? No!” she blurts out, her face going white. “His name is Sturgill! Dr. Sturgill Warner. My goodness, what a thing to say!”

“I’m not the one who said it,” I mutter as she rushes from the room, closing the door behind her.

Dr. Stud, I repeat to myself. I’m sure that’s what she said. Right? That happened?

Or maybe I’m just using my Manhattan manners. Maybe I developed Manhattan hearing too.

As instructed, I disrobe and leave my dress and bra behind the screen. It takes me a full thirty seconds to convince myself that I should remove my panties, for some reason. It just seems wrong, deliberately removing all of my clothes for someone who is apparently known as Dr. Stud. Someone who I have seen in running shoes.

Like, is this even happening? Hannah and Desi are definitely never going to believe this.

Clutching the gown closed, I scooch onto the exam table. The paper crinkles underneath me, making an ungodly racket. Shivers race up and down my bare legs though it is not cold in the room, just cool and kind of breezy from the AC unit below the window. Just very quiet and cool.

A gentle but definitive knock comes to the door and it swings open. Dr. Warner steps in and gives me a perfunctory, professional smile.

“All right, I see you’re all set,” he announces as he scans my height and weight from the information sheet. “Let’s just see what we’ve got going on here, okay?”

His fingers are warm on my throat as he touches my neck, pressing gently along the underside of my jaw. He tips my head up so he can stare into my eyes and I almost want to flinch back.

Okay, don’t be stupid. A hundred doctors have made this same move in your lifetime, I tell myself.

“Any pain in your neck, stiffness, soreness?” he asks me in a low voice.

I force myself not to look away as his eyes peer into mine from only inches away. This is my personal space, and he is inside of it already.

“No… Nothing like that,” I answer in a timid whisper.

“Open your mouth,” he commands me.

It feels weird, sexual almost, to have a man this good-looking tell me to open my mouth, but I make myself do it. Suddenly I realize my body is starting to respond to this. A quick gush of wetness between my legs startles me when I shift my weight.

“Say ahh,” he directs me.

“Ahhhhh,” I answer, gurgling over the tongue depressor that he slips over my tongue, pressing firmly.

“This might be cold,” he warns me as he places the stethoscope pieces in his ears. But just before he presses it to my skin, he warms the disk against his palm.

He quirks an eyebrow. “Is something funny?”

I realize that I am smiling. “No, it’s not funny,” I answer nervously, suppressing a giggle. “It’s just… Your dad used to make that same move… With the stethoscope…”

He bobs his chin, acknowledging that he understands as he listens with his palm against my back. The stethoscope disk wanders over my chest, nudging me in various places.

“Deep breath in,” he directs me as he switches hands, placing the disk against my back and pressing against my sternum so that I will sit up more straight.

I find myself relaxing a little, falling into the habits of command and perform that this ritual entails. I’ve been to the doctor dozens of times over my life, of course. I know how this works. I sort of appreciate the predictable aspects of it.

“Sounds good,” he announces. “Go ahead and lie back and raise your arms over your head.”

My breath catches in my throat as I remember this part: the breast exam. He turns around to retrieve a drape from the counter that he opens over my hips while I lie down. The gown falls open over my breasts though my body is still covered from the waist down by the drape.

I expect him to look away, but he doesn’t. He pushes the gown away from my sides with his fingers, pursing his lips in concentration as he manipulates the mounds slowly, pushing them together and then letting them fall, dragging his fingers in slow circles from the nipple outward. I feel my skin contract and my nipples harden under his touch, hoping to God that he thinks it is just a normal response and not a sign of arousal.

Walking his fingers up the side of my breasts to my armpit, he makes small, satisfied noises with every inch. My skin gets hotter and I try to keep from breathing too fast.

“All perfect,” he announces, averting his eyes.

With a clang, he pulls the stirrups out and assembles them at the end of the exam table. I hear the snap as he dons nitrile gloves and I automatically tense up. His fingers are warm around my ankle as he gently lifts my heel and places it against the cool metal cradle.

“Just relax,” he says firmly, the gentleness dissolving from his voice. “Move your hips down to the edge of the table, please.”

Squinting my eyes closed, I flex my thighs and try to maneuver myself closer to the end. I feel him pull the drape away from my hips as his hands slide over my belly, pressing every few seconds against my lower abdomen.

“Any pain?”

“No… None,” I choke in response as his hands slide across my skin, gently nudging my thighs apart. I realize that I really am wet, and I can feel the breeze from the air conditioner cooling my nether lips. Oh my God. How embarrassing.

“Are you sexually active?”

“What? Um… sort of...” I stop for a second. “Do you really need to know that?”

“I need to know everything,” he answers tersely. “Just relax, now. You’re going to feel some pressure.”

I hold my breath as he begins the internal exam that I know is coming. He places his hand sideways across my skin between my hip bones and squirts a glob of lubricant between my lips. I suck my breath between my teeth when he breaches me, plunging a gloved finger inside my body.

And just to humiliate me, my body sings in response. A tiny little hallelujah chorus starts to go off in my pussy lips.

“You’re very tense. Please relax.”

“I am relaxing,” I answer through gritted teeth as he slides his finger back out, then back in, pushing hard from the outside as well. My toes curl against the stirrups.

“When is the last time you had an orgasm?”

My pussy flexes, trapping his finger inside me reflexively. I’m not sure, but I feel like he flinched just a little bit when it happened.

“Excuse me? How is that relevant?”

“You’re extremely tense,” he replies as though this is an answer. “Your sexual health is what we are discussing. So, recently? Today?”

“No,” I growl angrily, “not today.”

“Just try to relax,” he says again, and I feel something cold on my inner lips. From the sound of the bottle hitting the counter again, I assume it is more medical lubrication. And then, with a snap, a buzzing noise begins. Is he going to...

“Let your legs fall open,” he instructs me. “I will begin to the side.”

“Begin the what—” I start, but then I feel it.

There is a buzzing sensation at the seam between my thigh and my pussy. It slides along the stripe of lubrication, mechanically massaging my labia.

“What is the—”

He cuts me off by pressing harder on my abdomen, pinning my hips to the table. The device slides rhythmically up and down, hitting some secret spot of tension between my hips.

“Just relax.”

A standard medical procedure, I say to myself. Just the usual. Just a doctor with a vibrator. Okey-doke!

“Some people even enjoy it,” he suggests in a low voice. I feel his hand nudge me a little farther toward the edge of the table.

Sure, just like Didi said, I tell myself. Standard medical procedure that everybody in town has had.

The faster that he gets done, the faster I’m going to be able to get my prescription and get out of here. Though I know this is going to be fruitless, I suppose it’s not entirely unenjoyable. It kind of tickles a little bit. I can feel muscles deep within me loosening up, muscles I didn’t even know were tight. And he is a medical professional, after all.

A medical professional I will never have to see again after next week.

“Very good,” he says encouragingly.

I feel myself relax a little bit more, just the way I’ve been trained to do. I guess we’re conditioned this way since our first pediatrician’s appointment at birth. They command; we respond. They praise; we wag our little tails. After all, even though the doctor always congratulates me on my healthy blood pressure, like I had anything to do with that, I always feel kind of proud of it anyway.

“Just like that,” he murmurs, moving the device upward in a slow arc. “Just let it build for a bit.”

I take a deep breath, imagining the sensation with my eyes closed. It’s like a flashlight beam wandering around a forest at night. Just moving along, sweeping back and forth over the groundcover.

“Excellent, Joanna,” he says encouragingly. “This may tickle just a bit…”

The hand on my belly shifts, adding pressure toward my pubic bone as the device slides between my labia. I suck my breath in between my teeth and automatically tense up.

“Relax, please,” he says louder, nudging me with more force as though reining a disobedient horse back onto a path. Automatically, I try to obey. I try to relax my thighs. I try to unclench my fists.

“Just concentrate on the sensation,” he directs me.

It’s a struggle. The sound is so distracting. That buzzing noise, it’s like a hive of hornets. The device slides over my clit, rhythmically massaging it in circles. It’s getting warm. Very warm. My belly begins to clench. I feel a brightness inside me, almost a cramp, almost a feeling like I have to—

“Really, I’ve got to go!” I announce, kicking my heels against the stirrups and pushing myself back up to sitting.

I snatch the gown over my breasts, pulling myself together, overheated and panting. Dr. Warner scowls at me and flips the device off, dropping it on a metal tray with a clang.

“My medical advice is—”

“I think you know enough about me now!” I huff. “I would just like that prescription, please!”

He snaps the blue gloves off one by one, flaring his nostrils as he drops them in the lidded garbage can.

“Of course,” he replies. “I will ask Jen to call it in for you.”

Shaking, I slam my knees together and curl my toes defensively. He crosses his arms and leans back against the counter as he looks me over.

“You need to take better care of yourself,” he announces as he clicks the pen open and scribbles on my chart. “You can’t just let things go, Joanna. You need to be proactive in your own health management.”

“Yeah, fine. Thanks for your time, Doctor,” I sniff, ready to get dressed and get the hell out of here.

“Okay, then,” he nods, taking a deep breath and flaring his nostrils as he squints at me curiously. “It was nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy your stay in Willowdale.”

I mutter my thanks, and he drops the manila envelope in a holder on the wall for the nurse to retrieve. Just before he leaves, he reaches out and pats my knee reassuringly. And dammit if that doesn’t work. I am fricking reassured, like a well-trained patient.

He leaves the office, and I hop off the exam table, leaving the paper torn and smeared with my own juices behind me. After a moment of hesitation, I rip the paper off the exam table and crumple it into a giant wad, then throw it away so Jen doesn’t see the remainders of our session.

My legs wobble as I get dressed again with my fingers fumbling over the buttons. I can still feel that buzz deep inside me, as though the hornets’ nest was transferred to my pelvis. I feel it right there, like a sneeze I’m holding in. Like a cough. Something really did happen and I don’t really know what to make of that. Was that the thing? Was that the feeling I’ve been missing?

In some ways I feel slightly more relaxed than I did when I walked in. But in other ways, I feel more tense than ever.