Dear Dickhead Arsehole Pus-face half-brother Xavier,

You suck.

I handed this to Daniel but he says I have to write more.

He sucks too.

How many times can I write fuck you?

So I guess you’re wondering why I’m writing you a letter. Or not, seeing as I’m not going to send this. That’s the point, see? You write the letter, get all the angry stuff out of your system and then you throw it in the bin.

It’s another one of Daniel’s ‘therapeutic exercises’. Like the time capsule. And the shouting-at-the-empty-chair-pretending-the-person-you’re-angry-at-is-sitting-in-it thing.

I shouldn’t have told him about you. He got all excited and started taking notes.

‘How does that make you feel?’ he asked.

Why is he so damn excited about my pain?

Whatever. I don’t care.

What I really want to know is who’s been using the other desk. I don’t care about anything else. Last time I was in this office, the spare desk in the corner was clear, now it has a stack of papers, used cups and a photo frame – I can’t see what’s in the frame because it’s angled away from me.

I asked Daniel who sits there but he told me to quit deflecting.

Deflecting?

I deflected his stupid chicken timer right across its beak and told him it’s warped having a chicken for an eggtimer. I mean, he’s asking a chicken to help him boil and eat its babies.

You have no idea how excruciating this is. Locked in a small, grey office with someone who’s excited because my brother turned out to be an arsehole. It’s worse than school because it’s just me and Daniel. The second I stop writing his chin jerks up and he glares.

Oh, gods of novelty eggtimers, please make the chicken cluck sooner.

Now Daniel’s taking notes. I’m on one side of the desk and he’s on the other. Maybe he’s doing his shopping list. I bet he’s gluten-free or sugar-free and he probably eats kale. And likes it.

You wouldn’t like kale; it’s green.

He’s doing the full stop thing again. Twisting the pen hard into the paper at the end of each sentence. It doesn’t fit with who he is. He’s the master of the serene – like he OD’d on Zen – but the full stop thing is passive-aggressive, don’t you think?

Or maybe that’s really him. Maybe the sleepy smile, the quiet manner and the laughing eyes are an act and underneath he’s an aggro prick. Like me. Like you.

Hey. I could be a psychologist. Then I could figure this all out. Like, why did Juliet stick it out with you? What’s so special about you?

You could have told me, you know. I would have punched you, but siblings beat up on each other all the time, don’t they?

I get it. I get why you left that all-important titbit out of our first meeting. Things would have gone down a totally different path if you’d told me the truth from the start, if you hadn’t let me make the world’s stupidest assumption.

‘Hi, I’m Xavier. I’m your brother.’

‘Hi, I’m Frankie, I didn’t know you existed. Sorry.’

‘It’s okay. Mum never mentioned you either.’

‘Well, she wouldn’t, would she? She dumped me in a barn with a bunch of guinea pigs when I was four.’

‘Oh. She stuck it out with me until I was thirteen so I guess I did better than I thought.’

‘Great to know. I’ve been feeling way too positive about myself lately. It’s a real relief to find out it wasn’t her inability to be a mother that forced her to dump me in a barn. Here was me thinking it wasn’t personal when really it was. Thanks for clarifying that.’

But I guess Marzoli was right. You’re just so shitty at facing up to consequences that you’d rather run away than fix things. I shouldn’t be surprised. Juliet moved all the way to Queensland so she didn’t have to face the consequences of having me.

And you should know that I blame you completely. Not just because Juliet dumped me to be with your father. I blame you for pretty much everything. Wars, natural disasters, the lack of milk in our fridge. I’m calling the army and telling them to put you on the terrorist watch-list.

I blame you because you were rubbing my face in it. Patronising me. Like, don’t tell Frankie that Mum kept me or else the poor little thing will go on a nose-breaking spree. Is that why you bought me that ridiculous gift? Did you steal four and a half grand just to buy a sister? A sister who would have liked you anyway?

Fuck you.

Did you know that it was a whole month after she dumped me before I found out where she’d pissed off to?

I guess Vinnie got sick of me asking because she sat me down and gave me the your-mum’s-moved-to-Queensland-so-you-can’t-ever-see-her-again talk. I was four so Queensland was just a word. It didn’t become a place until I was older and even then I wasn’t sure why Juliet was there and why it meant I couldn’t see her. It doesn’t matter how shitty your mother is, how much better off you’ll be with someone else. Just drop a kid in the middle of a shopping centre and watch their face when they lose sight of their mum. The confusion, the panic, the heartbreak. Every one of them.

Even me.

So Juliet wasn’t completely incapable of being a parent. Or maybe you were just so perfect that she couldn’t help but keep you. Well done, you. Gold stars. Child of the Year Award.

She gave you up in the end though, didn’t she? What did you do to fall out of favour? Do you know where she is? Did she dump you with Bill Green and the phone number of her firstborn?

But you don’t even have the decency to be here so I can ask you. So I can yell at you and not an empty chair. I’m sick of people not being here when they’re supposed to be.

You’re a dickhead, Xavier. At least let me say it to your face.

__________

I put down my pen and reach into my pocket, pulling out the scrap of paper Nate gave me: 38 hudson st – talk to ted. Nate has messy, almost unreadable handwriting. Like a child who needs those dotted blue lines to help him write straight. He didn’t even put a full stop at the end of it.

Why do I still have this? I’m done looking for Xavier. Aren’t I?

Daniel lays down his pen, firmly enough to make a noise.

‘Done?’

I look at my letter. It’s scrawl, harder to read than Nate’s. And I don’t even feel any better.

‘Done,’ I say.

Daniel smiles. He’s already chalking me up as a success.

‘I’ve been asked to write a report,’ he says, stretching back in his chair. ‘For your school.’

I curl my fingers around Nate’s scrap of paper, watching it disappear inside my fist.

‘What do you think I should write?’ Daniel asks. ‘Do you know why you react the way you do? Why you lashed out at your classmate? Your principal thinks the boy said something to you. She doesn’t think you’d do it without a reason. Last week you started –’

‘Why do you think I did it?’

His brow crinkles. I imagine the desert. Waves of sand.

‘Because you think you deserve to fail,’ he says. Doesn’t even stop to think about it. ‘Because “being wrong” was the only way you ever gained your mother’s attention. And even then she still left you. And you blame yourself for that. You think she abandoned you because you weren’t good enough. So you push people away who love you to prove that you’re a bad person who repels people. Your whole identity is based on feeling that way. And if it turns out not to be true – that you’re actually a good person and your mother abandoning you had nothing to do with you – who are you then?’

I stand, heart in my throat and red ink blots pooling around the edge of my vision. The timer hasn’t clucked but fuck the chicken. There’s no way I’m letting poultry dictate my life. ‘Write whatever you like.’

‘We have ten minutes left,’ says Daniel. He points at the chicken.

‘But I have somewhere I need to be.’ I wave Nate’s little scrap of paper at him. ‘It’s important.’

‘What’s more important than your future, Frankie?’ He stands as I yank open the office door.

‘Bees.’

His forehead crinkles. ‘Bees?’

‘They’re dying out. And they pollinate most of the world’s grains and vegetables and shit so, yeah, saving the bees is far more important than worrying about my future.’

I think this is the first time Daniel has been genuinely worried about my sanity. He clicks his pen, switching from blue ink to green. So that’s what the green ink is for. ‘Do you want to stay and talk about the bees, Frankie?’

‘Nope.’ I wave the little scrap of paper again. ‘I have more than bees on my mind.’

He’s somewhere between seated and standing. ‘Okay,’ he says. He smiles. ‘Bees,’ he says.

The last thing I hear as I shut the door behind me is laughter.

I guess I’m not done.