“Come on, Big Bertha, you can do it.” I smack the dashboard a few times, trying and failing to get rid of the rattling sound that started about an hour ago. I don’t think it’s serious, but you never know with a rental and I’m not paying double fees for a tow truck to get this monster to my new apartment and then back to her owner after I unload.
The drive has been easy, but it’s been long. Lots of highway. Lots of flat terrain. Not a lot of distractions. And no distractions means hours of having your thoughts on a never-ending loop of all the things I should have said and done. It’s its own kind of torture. It doesn’t help that I’m worried about four little girls… one living in a strange place that I’m driving towards and three sick ones that I’m leaving behind.
It’s weird how I’m sad over the loss of someone else’s kids, almost as much as I am about losing the actual someone.
It’s not really helping that my mood calls for country music. Reba McIntyre is currently serenading me with words about her broken heart after a painful split from the one she loves. Talk about depressing. I could change the station, but that would require taking my hands off a wheel that doesn’t have power steering just as the traffic increases, so I’m gonna go with it for now.
“We’re almost there, Bertha,” I say, but I’m not sure if I’m really talking to the truck or myself.
I haven’t stopped thinking about Elena and her girls since I cranked the engine and put the truck into drive. Memories have flooded my mind and if I’m being truthful, I’m not trying really hard to push them out. I don’t want to forget a second of our time together so I keep hoping the more I think about her, the more locked into my memory the last few months will be.
I want to remember how I felt the first time I saw her. She was relaxed and carefree with her messy bun and yoga pants, not freaking out when Christopher tackled Max to the ground yelling “Mine!”. Thinking about it still makes me smile. Elena went with the flow of it all. She never judged Callie for Christopher’s crazy antics like a lot of people would have. She just loves them for who they are.
I remember the playdates at McDonald’s where Elena would always spit out an unexpected one-liner, making me choke. She had an uncanny ability to say the exact right thing as I took a drink. And by the look on her face when I coughed, like her goal all along was to shock me, she was pleased to accomplish that.
I remember her standing up to Libby. Her pulling together the inner strength I always knew was there, and she had forgotten about, to show my ex that we were in it together. The fire in her eyes as proof that it doesn’t matter what anyone says, we’re a team. End of story.
I remember the first night we spent together, getting to know each other’s bodies and what gave each of us the most pleasure. She was worried about what I would think of how she looks, she never stopped to think there could be anything less than perfect about me. In her eyes, even after I bared my biggest insecurities to her, she was still right. I was perfect to her. And slowly but surely, she realized, in my eyes, I was right, too. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Not because she’s shaped like a modern-day supermodel, but because she’s shaped like a woman who has lived a full and satisfying life. You don’t get stretchmarks and less than perky breasts from maintaining a teenage figure. You get them from really living. And that is so much more attractive than boobs you can bounce quarters off.
Mostly, though, I remember watching her come into her own. I was lucky enough to see her transformation as it happened. She claims it was because of me that she found herself again. But that’s not true. She found herself because she was never really gone. She was being covered up by a narcissistic asshole who made a point of treating her like she wasn’t worth anything. As much as I hate how he left her, once she was free of him, she was free to shine again. And shine she does.
As the flat terrain begins to make more shape and the city of San Antonio begins to come into view, I know nothing I ever do will be as hard as leaving her today. It comes second only to letting Peyton get in that car with Libby and drive away last week. But that pain was short-lived when I made the decision to follow them. I will live with the pain of leaving Elena for the rest of my life. I will also live with the regrets of not being a stronger man, because this entire situation has proven I’m not nearly as strong as I should be.
While I watched Elena get a grip on her life, I was sitting around being a pussy with my own. I’ve let Libby run the show, because it’s been easier to play nice. I’ve been so afraid of losing what little time I have with Peyton, that I lost sight of how much my ex controls things. And this time it cost me the woman I know could be the love of my life.
That’s not ok.
I meant it when I said I’ve already started praying circumstances will change. Knowing how unpredictable Libby is, it’s only a matter of time. But until all the answers on how to change things become clear, I’m going to focus on getting my own grip.
As I veer off to the right, taking the exit that will lead me to my new home, I make a vow to myself… things will not continue the way they have been. I will find a better balance.
For the girls.
For Elena.
For myself.
I’m going to make sure of it.