Chapter 25
JAMES
Lucas took off for the front doors and busted out into the streets despite my shouts.
“Go after him,” I told Quinton, who dashed off.
Lucas’s father paid me exactly two seconds of mind before he muttered, “I have nothing to say to you,” and turned away.
I took a step toward him. “I have plenty to say to you.”
Despite his arrogance, his father actually stopped and turned back around to face me, his eyes burning with resentment.
I was sure he resented me. Even if my relationship with Lucas was a romantic one, his father must have seen me as a sort of father figure replacement. He was threatened by my presence. He hated me without knowing the first thing about me.
A hundred foul words rose to my mouth like bile. I didn’t let a single one of them out. Instead, I took a different tack entirely. “Lucas draws beautiful monsters.”
His father squinted at me, confused.
“Beautiful, beautiful monsters,” I went on. “And you might, in several years, click open a big fancy website and admire the well-designed logo on the screen in front of you. It’ll be a logo designed by your son, whose life you will be missing out on. Thinking you can push away the memory of him, just like you did his mother, you’ll flip open a magazine to shop for a new piece of furniture to distract yourself from your own crippling doubt that you’ve truly lost your last opportunity to make things right with Lucas. And you’ll notice on the last page of the magazine, there is a credit for graphic design. It will have your son’s name. You’ll become certain that you made a mistake on this day, right here, right now, in the lobby of the Royal Flush Hotel & Suites, by letting go of your son. Still, you push on with your life, arrogantly determined to keep your chin lifted so high, you stop looking at your feet. You stop looking where you’re going at all. That’s when you end up at an art show you didn’t know you had tickets to. You and your loving ‘countess’. And when you stand in the middle of all those works of art, you’ll realize that they are all portrayals of beautiful monsters. Some with horns. Some with antlers. Some with six eyes, twelve eyes, or no eyes at all. You’ll realize you’re surrounded by your son, because you’ll remember this day, and you’ll recall my words: Lucas draws beautiful monsters.”
There was a moment after I spoke when I swore that I could see the faintest glint of remorse in his eyes. I had painted a picture for him of the future. I wanted him to feel what I felt for Lucas. Maybe he would even see that I was a good man and would take care of his son, even if he still stubbornly chose the woman at his back over the blood at his front.
But his father said nothing. He turned and linked arms with his wife, and together they strolled away.
I had a suspicion they would not be returning.
Quinton was back the very next moment. “He’s gone.”
My heart sank. “But he only ran to the door,” I protested. “He can’t have gone far.”
“He ran down the street so fast and around the corner. I tried to catch up, but he’s gone. I can’t find him any—”
“No, he’s not,” I threw back, then tore across the lobby to the doors to see for myself. “Lucas!” I called out the second I burst through them. Alberto’s stared me in the face. “Lucas!” I shouted when I reached the street corner, looking in all directions. I darted toward the park a few blocks down, just outside the perimeter of the casinos. It was poorly lit. I saw a homeless man cuddled up on a bench and another under a tree. Lucas wasn’t anywhere in sight.
I fought an instinct to cry. I was completely, utterly helpless. I shouldn’t have tried to get the last word in with Lucas’s father, who likely didn’t give a shit what I had to say. I should have gone after Lucas myself. He didn’t even have a phone.
“Lucas!” I cried out, then raced toward another street, but he was nowhere to be found. He’ll be back, I told myself, already in denial that Lucas had gone. He needed some fresh air. He’ll be back.
I sank against the side of a building, staring at all the roads, at the shifting streetlights, at the cars slowly humming by.
He’ll be back.
* * *
It was half past three in the morning when Duncan finally gave up, the last of my friends to stay awake.
“He left his bag in your room,” Duncan reasoned with me. “He wouldn’t just leave it there. He’s gonna come back for it. He knows your room number, doesn’t he?”
All I felt were stinging doubts. Every tiny misgiving blew itself up into a giant, totally plausible mountain of skepticism. Maybe Lucas really was just involved with me temporarily. Maybe Lucas was too affected by his father’s words. Maybe I was just kidding myself with all this talk of love and care and compassion.
Duncan sighed. “You can’t stay down here all night, man.”
“I will,” I stated stubbornly, sitting on that couch in the lobby. “I’m gonna sit right the fuck here until Lucas walks through those doors. I’m not giving up on him.”
“He just needed to take a walk. He probably has … places.”
“It’s been over two hours, Duncan. Almost three.”
“I mean, he lived out there on those streets for over a year, didn’t he? He knows them. Maybe he has friends.”
Duncan’s words were doing little to comfort me at all. “I’m not leaving this chair.”
“Shit. Are you crying?”
I looked away, annoyed. I couldn’t even tell anymore what were tears and what was just irritation from the smoky air of the casinos. The confrontation with Lucas’s father stirred me up, too, though that had more to do with nerves than it did tears.
Duncan sat by me and put an arm around my back, deciding to stay instead of go to bed. Then he said nothing at all as we sat there together staring at the front doors and waiting for Lucas.
Instead, we got a teenaged girl.
Full of sass, the teenager pushed through the door, then stood there hugging herself as she scanned the big lobby, squinting. Her gaze stopped at us, and then she began to walk in our direction.
“James?” she muttered, coming to a stop in front of us.
I lifted my face, hopeful. “What?”
“You’re James, right?”
She had green-tipped blonde hair and wore nothing but cut-off shorts, a loose white t-shirt, and flip-flops.
I nodded. “Yes, I am. Why? Who are you?”
“I’m Kelsey. Don’t worry. Lucky’s okay.”
Duncan perked his head up now. “Are you a friend of his?”
She smirked at Duncan and rolled her eyes, like his question was the most annoying thing in the world, then addressed me. “I can take you to him.”
I was on my feet the next moment. “Please do.”
She gave my body a once-over, then smiled coyly as she began to lead the way. “You gotta promise me something, though.”
“What’s that?” I asked as I followed. Duncan was right behind me. “I have to promise you what?”
“I’ll tell you when we get there,” she answered cryptically.
I wasn’t sure what to make of this Kelsey. At least not yet.
The three of us left the Royal Flush and headed down the street for several blocks. The night air swept around us lazily, but my heart was in my throat. We couldn’t walk fast enough. I would have run, but Kelsey kept walking at her leisurely pace, unhurried and taking her sweet time.
“How do you know him?” I asked.
“Friend,” she muttered simply.
“How …” I wrinkled my face. “How did you know me?”
“I saw you the weekend you two met. I watched him go in the elevator with you.” She smirked. “I thought, ‘Lucky, indeed’. Lucky bastard, to score a guy as hot as you.”
That was an awkward compliment to receive from a young girl. “Uh, thank you.”
“But to score someone with a heart like yours?” She shook her head. “That’s like winning the jackpot. That shit never happens.”
I couldn’t quite respond to that. I just wanted to see Lucas. I was desperate to comfort him, to hold him, to talk to him.
“You gotta promise me you’ll do him good.”
I glanced at her. “Of course I will,” I mumbled.
“He isn’t made for the streets.” She sighed. “He would kill me if he found out I said this. But it’s true. All the tough-guy shit he puts on … it’s a front. Lucky doesn’t belong here. He never did. If it wasn’t for me and some of my friends, he wouldn’t be alive.” She puffed up a bit, proud of herself. “Again, don’t you dare tell him I said that. But you’re the best fucking thing to happen to him. I was sad not to see him around the beach anymore, but also happy. Like, really, really happy … because I knew he finally was.”
We came to a stop at a railing that overlooked the darkened beach. Sitting on the sand by the shore, I saw a sole figure.
I didn’t need prompting to know who it was.
“I’ll stay here,” Duncan told me. “Go get your man.”
Just when I started to go, Kelsey barked, “Hey, James. You said you’d promise me.”
I turned back to her. “I promise I won’t say anything. And …” I let out a short sigh of relief. “Thank you for this.”
Kelsey shot me a smile—she had a pretty smile—and then sat on the railing and dangled her legs. “Go on ahead. Lucky’s waiting for you. He just won’t admit he is.”
I took off down the road, then hopped the railing to race across the sand toward Lucas.
The waves from the water were so loud, they masked the sound of my footsteps as I crunched along the dark, colorless sand. The beach seemed enormous, for as long as it took to cross it.
I came to a stop a few paces behind Lucas. He turned his head slightly, lifting his eyes to meet mine. His hair was a total mess, which of course looked fucking adorable. His shoes and socks were off and set aside, his bare feet enjoying the water as it lapped at them. Granules of sand clung to his pants and shirt.
“Hey,” I murmured softly. “Mind if I join you?”
I didn’t wait for his response as I plopped down on the sand next to him. It was wet, but I didn’t care. I’d drop straight into the ocean if it meant being with Lucas.
Some time passed where we said nothing at all. Only the wind brushed around us, tossing our hair. The waves kept sliding in one at a time, licking our bare feet with every pass. Yeah, I took off my shoes and socks, too. I wanted to be with Lucas in that moment completely. I wasn’t any better or worse than he was. And while the peaceful silence stretched on, I felt like our souls were one with the universe, the stars and moon and sea.
“I’m so …”
I glanced at Lucas at the sound of his words.
He sighed. “I’m so embarrassed,” he finished.
“Why?”
“I lost my temper. I called my dad things. I felt like I was a kid again, living at home, furious, never being listened to, never being looked at unless it was a critical, reproachful stare from him, or a resentful, bitchy look from her. I couldn’t keep it in. I just …” He ground his teeth. “I just wanted him to see my anger. I wanted …”
He took a deep breath, let it all out, then lay back against the sand. I lay back with him, turning my face toward his.
“I wanted … an apology.”
I frowned. I could understand that, despite how unlikely it would have been to get any sort of remorse from that icicle of a self-important man.
“Is that fucked up?” he murmured, his voice so light, it was almost a moan. “To want that? After everything?”
“No.” I shrugged. “Sounds pretty normal to me, actually.”
“Why couldn’t he have just … backed down a little? He’d had years to think about it. He’d had years to … miss me.” Lucas bit his lip and shook his head, as if inwardly cursing the stars above him. “Why didn’t he look like he even missed me?”
I wasn’t sure if he wanted an actual answer. When he didn’t say anything for a while, I turned toward him and put a soothing hand on his arm, then slowly began rubbing. Lucas closed his eyes at my touch, breathing slowly.
I decided to speak. “No one gets to choose their family. And most of the time, your true family isn’t the people you’re related to by blood. Family sometimes just sort of … happens.” I squeezed his shoulder as I continued to rub him. “I know like hell that I take mine for granted. I know I could love them more.”
“You have an awesome family,” he murmured, wistful.
“They’re alright,” I mumbled, deliberately playing coy.
Lucas let out one dry chuckle, then crossed his arms. “I think I just want closure with my dad. I think I want closure that I may never get because he’ll never admit fault.”
“Sometimes we don’t get the closure we want. I think closure has to come from within us somehow. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m just saying that sometimes … closure is a choice.”
“A choice.”
“We have to choose to let them go—and truly let them go. We have to choose to accept the way things are, as if that is how they are meant to be, and nothing we do can change it. The only thing we can change is ourselves and what we do with this Rubik’s Cube of a situation. Just leave it a mess of colors and put it on the shelf.”
“Put it on the shelf,” echoed Lucas thoughtfully.
I nodded. “Sometimes, a mess of colors can be beautiful, too.”
Lucas let out a small smile as I continued to rub his arm.
My hand slid across his chest, and then I was holding myself over him and staring down into his face, eclipsing his view of the stars. He connected to my eyes, his own filled with emotion.
“I want you in my life,” I told him. “I don’t care if it isn’t love. I don’t care if what’s going on here is just two puppies who needed a friend. Lost souls crossing paths for this one spectacular moment in our lives that we’ll never forget. I don’t care if it isn’t love.”
My chest swelled for him. I couldn’t deny that it felt wrong somehow, to push away the notion of love, when all I felt for him was a powerful, intoxicating desire to care for him, to hold him, to kiss him until our mouths hurt, to sleep next to him every night.
But even more than that: I would have sacrificed everything to keep him happy. My comfortable little life shifted its Tectonic Plates, ripped my planet asunder, and swelled with molten passion to make room for Lucas.
It was unconditional. I would go through all the pain and the agony again for him if I could.
Lucas’s smile grew. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
I smiled back down at him, then did half a push-up to place a kiss on his lips.
Then he caught my face by my ears. “But it doesn’t change the fact that I still think I’m falling for you, James.”
And with that, he pulled my mouth to his, our lips colliding as the next wave swept in, crashing at our backs. A hoot or two came from the distance—whether from Duncan or Kelsey, I couldn’t tell and didn’t care; my own body applauded and cheered from within, screaming with delight at recovering my Lucas once again.
This time, I’ll never let him get away.
* * *
It was still before five in the morning. That meant that the four of us had a date in the free half of the arcade.
Kelsey was like Lucas’s meddlesome little sister who had her timely moments of heroism that saved the day. I thought Lucas was competitive, but he had nothing on Kelsey; that girl roared at the machines as she smacked its sides, commanding those balls, scoring every bonus, and racking up the high scores. Lucas and I took our own machines opposite of her while Duncan watched over our shoulders and shouted his encouragements.
We must have played in that arcade for hours. Even when the arcade wasn’t free anymore, the four of us kept on and on.
Kelsey gave a sulky sigh, deciding she ought to return to her foster family before the dad woke up for work. Duncan, putting on his schoolteacher hat for a moment, took her aside and gave her a hundred dollar bill. “For clothes and food and necessities,” he told her. “Don’t go wasting this on slots and tooth-rotting candy.”
She squinted at him. “Are you gay, by chance? Please? Please be gay and have a husband. I need gay dads. I want gay dads.”
Duncan shook his head. “I’m afraid not.”
“Damn it.”
“Hey, watch your language. And keep hold of that cash, don’t you lose it.”
“Yes, Dad,” she griped.
“I’m calling you a cab so you don’t have to walk home at this hour.” He already had his phone out.
Kelsey sauntered up to Lucas and hugged him unexpectedly.
He frowned over her shoulder, his eyes meeting mine. “Uh, what’s this for?”
“I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”
“I’m …” He shrugged. “I’m sure we’ll be back. James’s friends come here every other weekend. I’ll come with them. You’ll see me all the time. You’ll get sick of me all over again.”
“I’m so happy for you, Lucky. You lucky bastard, you.”
With his eyes on me, I watched his face soften. “It’s Lucas,” he murmured gently. “My name’s Lucas.”
She wiped away a tear, then mumbled, “I know, idiot. I heard James call you that a century ago.”
Then she pulled away and rushed over to give me a hug. “Hey, don’t forget your promise,” she told me, eyeing me warningly.
I smiled, locked my lips, and tossed aside the key.
With that, Kelsey and Duncan went outside to wait on the cab while James and I strolled across the near-empty, dimly-lit floor of the Elysian. The noise of the slot machines still surrounded us, even though there weren’t any souls nearby to play them.
Before we knew it, we were standing in front of a familiar slot machine with a mermaid at the top, her breasts hidden cleverly behind an artful spread of seaweed and pink coral.
“First day we came through here …” I started to say.
“When you bought us ice cream.” Lucas nodded. “You asked if I wanted to give this machine a go.”
“And then you recalled how I crashed into you that fateful night.” I found myself gripping my bad elbow at the memory, its bruise faded nearly to nothing.
When I glanced at Lucas, I found him staring at me hard.
“Does it still hurt?” he asked softly.
I shook my head. “It’s a pity,” I admitted. “I almost miss the ache.”
He reached down, took my hand, and placed it on his crotch. “Maybe this’ll make you ache again.”
I bit my lip to suppress a smile. “Oh, Lucas,” I moaned. “You are just insatiable, aren’t you?”
“Insatiable,” he agreed, a hungry glint in his eyes.
I grabbed hold of his hips and pulled him against me. Then, our bodies together, I brought my mouth to his.
The kiss we shared that night had no hopes of comparing to any other.
I think I felt a desire for him so desperate, it scared me.
It scared me how much I was falling for him.
I had no idea what the future held for us. No idea at all. But I knew that we were in it for the long haul, no matter in what capacity that meant. As a friend. As a lover.
As a shoulder.
As a companion.
As anything he wanted.
Even after just three magical weeks with that sharp, beautiful young man, I knew we were in each other’s lives for good.
When we separated from the kiss, I gave a nod at the machine. “Ready for a go at it? As it turns out, I have enough left on my casino card for one single pull.”
Lucas grinned. “Let’s do it.”
The pair of us sat before that machine, holding hands. All the possibilities sat there before our eyes, waiting for us.
Cherries, gold bars, diamonds …
Hearts …
Who knew what else would scroll past our eyes when we finally pulled that fateful lever of luck?
Wrinkled bed sheets … pool tables …
Graphics … sketchpads …
College brochures …
Movies and cuddling …
Rules, dominance, evil smirks … handcuffs …
A spanking …
Another spanking …
Sweetness and more cuddling …
Laughter, endless laughter … smiling into each other’s eyes as we drifted off to sleep next to one another …
Hearts …
We each brought a hand to the lever and held on, prepared to pull at any second. “Are you ready?” I asked him.
“So fucking ready,” Lucas fired back.
Then we pulled the lever as one and kissed, ignoring the little pictures as they spun. Neither of us really cared where luck would land us. We’d both won the jackpot already.