CHAPTER 20
I WOKE UP STARING AT THE SOFT GLOW OF
fluorescent ceiling lights. I wasn’t sure what’d woken me or where I was.
“Alex.”
I turned my head and met his pale gray eyes. Aiden sat on the edge of the bed. Dark waves of hair fel over his forehead. He looked different to me. Shadows bloomed under his eyes.
“Hey,” I croaked.
Aiden smiled that wonderful ful smile that was so rare, so beautiful. He reached over and with just the tips of his fingers, he brushed a few strands of hair off my forehead.
“How are you feeling?”
“Okay. I’m… thirsty.” I tried clearing my throat again.
He leaned over, the bed dipping slightly as he grabbed a glass off the bedside table. Helping me sit up, he waited while I gulped the cool water. “More?”
I shook my head. Sitting up, I got a better view of the unfamiliar room. I was hooked up to half a dozen tubes, but I wasn’t in the Covenant. “Where are we?”
“We’re at the Nashvil e Covenant. We couldn’t risk the time it would’ve taken us to get you back to North Carolina.”
He paused, seeming to choose his next words. “Alex, why did you do this?”
I leaned back and closed my eyes. “I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?”
“You stole a Sentinel uniform. You also stole weapons and left the grounds without permission. Untrained and unprepared, you left to hunt down your mother. What you did was so reckless, so dangerous. You could’ve been kil ed, Alex. So yes, you’re in trouble.”
“I kinda of figured that.” I sighed, opening my eyes.
“Marcus is going to expel me now, isn’t he?”
Sympathy shone on his face. “I don’t know. Marcus is very upset. He would’ve come here, but he’s been with the Council. Everyone’s in an uproar over what happened to Kain and the implications.”
“Everything’s changed,” I murmured to myself.
“Hmm?”
I took a deep breath. “Caleb shouldn’t be in trouble. He tried to stop me, but… where is he?”
“He’s here, in a different room. And he’s been awake for the last day, asking for you. He has a couple bruised ribs, but he’l be okay. He’s going to head back later today, but you’l need to stay for a little while longer.”
Relief washed through me. I relaxed back against the fluffy pil ows. “How long have I been asleep?”
He fiddled with the blankets, adjusting them around me.
“Two days.”
“Whoa.”
“You were pretty bad off, Alex. I thought… ”
I looked at him, my eyes finding his and remaining there.
“Thought what?”
Aiden exhaled softly. “I thought I— we thought we’d lost you. I’ve never seen so many tags on a person stil … living.”
His eyes fel shut briefly. They were a startling color when they reopened—a beautiful silver. “You scared me. You real y did.”
There was an odd pain in my chest, sort of a dul aching.
“I didn’t mean to. I thought—”
“What did you think, Alex? Did you think at al ?” Aiden lowered his chin. A muscle feathered along his jaw. “It doesn’t matter now. Caleb told us everything.”
I was sure what he meant by “everything” was her crazed ranting, the daimons, and those horrible, terrible hours in the bedroom. “Caleb shouldn’t be punished. He real y did try to stop me, but we got caught in an al ey… and I saw her. I should’ve… kil ed her then, but I couldn’t. I failed, and I could’ve gotten Caleb kil ed.”
Aiden faced me again. “I know.”
I swal owed. “I had to do it. She was going to keep kil ing, Aiden. I couldn’t stand around and wait for the Sentinels to find her. Yeah, it was stupid. Look at me.” I lifted my bandaged arms. “I know it was stupid, but she was my mother. I had to do it.”
Aiden was quiet as he stared at me. “Why didn’t you come to me instead of running off and doing this?”
“Because you were busy with what happened with Kain and you would’ve stopped me.”
Anger flared behind his eyes. “Damn straight I would’ve stopped you—prevented this from happening to you!”
I flinched. “That’s why I couldn’t come to you.”
“You never should’ve faced what you did. None of us wanted you to go through this. What you must be feeling… ”
“I’m dealing.” I clamped down on the sudden pressure in the back of my throat.
He ran a hand through his hair. It looked like he’d done that several times in the last two days. “You’re so foolishly brave.”
His words brought back the memory of the night in his…
bed. “You’ve said that before.”
“Yes. And I meant it then. If I’d only known how foolishly brave you truly were, I would’ve locked you in your room.”
“I also kinda figured that, too.”
He didn’t say anything to that and we sat in silence for a long time. Then he started to stand. “You need to get some rest. I’l check in on you in a little while.”
“Don’t leave. Not yet.”
Aiden stared at me as if he could read what was going on inside me. “I know what you want to talk about, but now is not that time. You need to get better. Then we can talk.”
My fingers tightened around the blanket. “I want to talk about it now.”
“Alex.” His voice was soft.
“Aiden?”
His lips twitched at my response, but then his eyes met mine and held them in their depths. “The night—what happened between us was… wel , it shouldn’t have ever happened.”
Ouch. It was a struggle to keep my face blank and not show how much those words hurt.
“Do you… do you regret it? What happened between us?” If he said yes, I think I’d die.
“As wrong as this is, I don’t regret it. I can’t. ” He looked away then, drawing in a deep breath. “I lost control, lost sight of what’s important to you—to me.”
“I wasn’t complaining.”
He looked at me warily. “Alex, you’re not making this easy.”
I sat up further, ignoring the way the tubes pul ed on my arms. “Why should I? I… like you. I like being around you. I do trust you. I’m not naïve and dumb. I wanted you. I stil do.”
His hands clenched against the blanket tucked around my legs. “I’m not saying you’re naïve or dumb, Alex. But…
dammit, I nearly destroyed both of our futures in a matter of minutes. What do you think would’ve happened if we’d been caught?”
I shrugged, but I knew what could’ve happened. It wouldn’t have been pretty. “But we weren’t caught.” Then something occurred to me. Maybe it had nothing to do with the actual rules. “Is it because I’m Seth’s freakier half? Is that why?”
“No. It has absolutely nothing to do with that.”
“Then why?”
Aiden stared at me like he could somehow get me to understand by his stare alone. “It has nothing to do with you being the Apol yon. Alex, you know that I don’t see you as anything different than me, but… the Council wil .”
“Pures do this—they do it al the time and don’t get caught.”
“I know that there are some pure-bloods who break the rule, but they do it because they don’t care about what happens to the other person, and I care about what happens to you.” His eyes searched mine intently. “I care about you more than I should and that’s why I’m not going to put you in that situation and jeopardize your future.”
Desperate, I searched for a way we could make this work. We had to, but the look on Aiden’s face stole my breath, my protests.
He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. “Both of us need to be Sentinels, right? You know why I have to do this. I know why you have to do this. I lost control, forgetting to see what could come of this. I could’ve ended whatever chances you had of becoming a Sentinel, but worse than that, I could have stolen your future. It doesn’t matter what you are or what you’l become when you turn eighteen. The Council would ensure that you were removed from the Covenant, and I… would never forgive myself for that.”
“But the Breed Order—”
“The Breed Order hasn’t been changed, and with the knowledge that halfs can turn, I doubt it ever wil . Whatever ground the halfs have gained was lost the moment the daimons discovered that your kind can be changed.”
Wel … that was depressing, but not as crushing as this.
Everything about the moments we’d shared had been magical, perfect, and so right. There was no way I could’ve mistaken the look in his eyes or the way he’d touched me.
Looking at him now, I knew I stil wasn’t mistaking that look of near desperation, of lust and something far stronger.
I tried to joke. “But I’m the Apol yon. What can they real y say? At eighteen, I could just zap anyone who gives us a hard time.”
His lips twitched. “That doesn’t matter. These rules have been in place since the time the gods walked among mortals. Not even Lucian or Marcus would be able to stop what would happen. You’d be given the elixir and placed into servitude, Alex. And I couldn’t live with myself knowing what that would do to you. To see you lose everything that makes you who you are? I couldn’t bear that. I couldn’t live seeing you like the rest of the servants. You have too much life for that, too much life to lose for me.”
I shifted closer, my legs brushing his hands and my face only inches from his. I knew I looked a mess, but I also knew Aiden saw past that. “Don’t you want me?”
Groaning low in his throat, he pressed his forehead against mine. “You know the answer to that. I stil … want you, but we can’t be together, Alex. Pures and halfs can’t be together in that way. We can’t forget that. ”
“I hate rules.” I sighed, feeling the burning in my throat again. I’d wanted him to hold me ever since the moment I’d woken up. And our blood wouldn’t even al ow that.
He sounded like he wanted to laugh but knew it would only provoke me further. He sighed. “But we have to fol ow them, Alex. I can’t be the reason you lose everything.”
Rules could suck it. There were only a few inches between us, and if I moved just a little bit more, our lips would touch. I wondered what he would think about our future then. If I just kissed him, would he care about the rules? About what people would think?
Almost like he sensed what I was thinking, he murmured,
“You are so reckless.”
The last time I’d been awake, I thought I’d never smile again, but I did smile. “I know.”
Aiden shifted and pressed his lips against my forehead.
He lingered a few seconds, and before I could do anything, which sucked, because I was feeling pretty damn reckless, he pushed himself away. “I… I wil always care for you, but we won’t do this. We can’t. Do you understand?”
I stared at him, knowing that he was right, but he was also wrong. He wanted this as much as I did, but he was too concerned by what could happen to me. Part of me liked him even more for that, but my heart… wel , it was cracking. The only thing that kept it from shattering completely was the fleeting look of desire and fondness that flickered over his face as he backed toward the door.
“Get some rest,” he said when I didn’t answer. “I’l check on you later.”
I scooted back down, but then something else occurred to me. “Aiden?”
He stopped, turning around. “Yes?”
“How did you al find us?”
His face hardened. “Seth.”
Confused, I sat up again. “What? How?”
Aiden shook his head slightly. “I don’t know. He showed up real early in the morning—the morning you left—and said something was wrong and you were in danger. I checked your room and saw that you were gone. Once we got on the road, he knew where to find you. Somehow, he could sense where you were. I don’t know how, but he did.
Seth was the reason we were able to find you.”
***
Two days later, I returned to the Covenant, pumped ful of blood and fluids. As soon as I arrived, I was taken to the infirmary to be checked over again. Aiden sat beside me as the doctor removed the white gauze that covered every piece of exposed skin.Needless to say, I looked torn up. Several crescent-shape bites marked each arm. They were stil pretty red-looking and while the doctor made some herb mixture that
“should” help minimize the scarring, I rummaged through the cabinets.
“What are you looking for?” Aiden asked.
“A mirror.”
He knew why. Sometimes, as annoying as it could be, it was like we shared the same brain. “It’s not that bad, Alex.”
I shot him a look over my shoulder. “I wanna see.”
Aiden tried again to get me to sit back down, but I refused to listen until he got up and found a smal plastic mirror. Without saying a word, he handed it to me.
“Thank you.” I lifted the mirror and nearly dropped it.
The deep purple that covered my right eye and spread toward my hairline wasn’t bad. It would fade in a couple of days. A black eye wasn’t a big deal. I liked to think I looked sort of badass with it. However, the tags on each side of my neck were horrendous. Some of them looked deep, almost as if patches of skin had been ripped out and fused back together, the flesh uneven and crimson in color. The redness would fade, but the scars left behind would be deep and obvious.
My fingers tightened around the plastic handle. “It—I look horrible.”
He was immediately by my side. “No. They’l fade, and before you know it, no one wil even notice.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t hide this—not al of these.
“Besides,” he said in the same gentle voice, “these are scars to be proud of. Look at what you’ve survived. These scars wil make you stronger, more beautiful in the end.”
“You said that before—about the first one.”
“The same stil stands, Alex. I promise you.”
Slowly, I placed the mirror down on the little counter and… I broke.
It wasn’t the scars or what Aiden had said. It was what those scars would forever be a reminder of—losing Mom in Miami. Al the terrible things she’d done and al owed to happen. And what I had done—kil ing her. They were big, powerful sobs. The kind I couldn’t real y breathe or think around. I tried to pul myself back together, but I failed.
I sat down in the middle of the doctor’s office and cried. I wanted my mom, but she would never answer, never comfort me. She was gone, real y gone this time. The yawning hole opened up in me and the grief, it just poured out, and it kept coming and coming.
Aiden knelt beside me, placing his arms around my bent shoulders. He didn’t say a single word. He just let me cry it out, and after months of forcing myself to just push through it, al the pain and hurt had built up into the massive knot that final y unraveled.
Once I’d cried myself out, I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. My head hurt, my throat felt raw, and my eyes were puffy. But in a weird way, I felt better, like I could final y breathe again, real y breathe. Al these months, I’d been slowly suffocating and I hadn’t realized it until that moment.
I sniffled and winced at the dul pain in the back of my head. “Remember what you said about how your parents wouldn’t have wanted a life like that?”
His fingers moved soothingly over my taut shoulders.
“Yes. I remember.”
“She didn’t. I saw it just before she… was gone. She looked relieved. She real y did.”
“You released her from a horrible existence. That’s what your mother would’ve wanted.”
A few minutes passed. I stil couldn’t look up. “Do you think she’s in a better place now?” I asked, my voice sounding smal .
“Of course she is.” Man, he real y sounded like he believed it, too. “Where she is… she is no longer suffering.
It’s paradise—a place so beautiful that we can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like.”
I assumed he was talking about Elysia—a place very much like heaven. I took a deep breath and wiped under my eyes. “If anyone deserved it, she real y does. I know it looks bad since she became a daimon, but she would never have chosen that.”
“I know, Alex. The gods know that, too.”
Slowly, I pieced myself back together and climbed to my feet. “Sorry to… unload al of that on you.” I stole a quick peek at him.
Aiden frowned. “Don’t ever feel sorry for this, Alex. I’ve told you before, if you ever need anything you can come to me.”
“Thanks for… everything.”
He nodded, stepping aside as I shuffled past him.
“Alex?” He picked up a jar from the counter. The doctor must have come in at some point. “Don’t forget this.”
I took the jar and murmured my thanks. Bleary-eyed, I fol owed him out and into the vivid sun. It hurt my head and my eyes, but in a way, the sun stil felt good on my skin. I was alive.
We stood for a moment on the marbled pathway, both of us staring out across the courtyard and the ocean beyond. I wondered what he was thinking.
“You going back to your dorm?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
We didn’t talk about our conversation in Nashvil e or about that night at his place, but it lingered on my mind as we made our way to the dorms. Walking as close as we were, it was hard not to think about it, but when I thought about Caleb, al thoughts of romance—or lack thereof—
fled. I real y needed to see him.
“See you… around?”
Aiden nodded as he stared across the quad. A few halfs lounged on the benches between the dorms. A pure was with them. She was making it rain over one spot. Kind of cool.
I sighed, stal ing. “Al right… ”
“Alex?”
“Yes?”
He stared down at me, a soft smile tugging at his lips.
“You’re going to be okay.”
“Yeah… I am. I guess it takes more than a couple of hungry daimons to bring me down, huh?”
He laughed, and the sound nearly knocked the air out of my chest. I loved the way he laughed. I looked up at him, a smal smile tugging at my own lips. Like always, our eyes met and something deep flared between us. Even out here, out in the open as we were, it was stil there.
Aiden stepped back. There was nothing left to say. I gave him a tiny wave and watched until he disappeared from view, then I cut across the courtyard and headed to Caleb’s room. I wasn’t worried about getting caught going into the boys’ dorm. We hadn’t gotten a chance to talk since everything had gone down. He opened the door after the first knock, wearing sweats and a loose shirt.
“Hey,” I said.
He smiled and pushed the door open further. The grin immediately turned into a grimace and he clutched his sides. “Crap. I keep forgetting not to move a certain way.”
“You doing okay?”
“Yeah, my ribs are just a little sore. You?”
I fol owed him back to the bedroom and sat cross-legged on the bed. “Good. Just got checked out by the doctor here.”
He eased himself down on the bed beside me. A frown crossed his face as he studied me. “Those tags? Why haven’t they healed like mine?”
I glanced down at his arms. Four days later and the only reminder were the bruised ribs and a couple of pale scars dotting his arms. “I don’t know. The doc said they would fade in a few days. He gave me a jar of stuff to rub on them.” I patted my pocket. “It’s pretty bad looking, isn’t it?”
“No. You kinda look like… like I should be afraid of you kicking my ass or something.”
I laughed. “That’s because I can kick your ass.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Alex, I was kind of out of it in the woods, but I heard you… ”
“Kil ed her?” I leaned over and grabbed an extra pil ow.
“Yeah, I did.”
My bluntness caused him to flinch. “I’m… real y sorry. I wish I knew what to say to make it easier for you.”
“You don’t need to say anything about it.” Stretching out beside him, I stared up at the little green stars al over the ceiling. At night, they glowed. “Caleb, I’m sorry I dragged you into that mess.”
“No. You didn’t drag me into anything.”
“You shouldn’t have been there. What Daniel was doing
—”
His hand clenched beside me. I don’t think he saw me notice, but I did. “You didn’t—”
“You shouldn’t have been there.”
He waved his hand, cutting me off. “Stop it. I made the decision to fol ow you. I could’ve gone to one of the Guards or the Sentinels. Instead, I fol owed you. It was my choice.”
I stared at him and saw he was actual y serious. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping wel . I looked away.
“I’m sorry… you had to go through this.”
“It’s okay, al right? Look. What are friends for if they can’t share a few hours with psychotic daimons? We can look at it as a bonding experience.”
I snorted. “Bonding experience?”
He nodded and started tel ing me about al the halfs who’d visited him since he came back to the Covenant.
When he mentioned Olivia, he got that dopey look on his face. Suddenly I wondered if I got the dopey smile on my face when I thought of Aiden. Gods, I hoped not.
“So a skunk humped my leg earlier,” Caleb went on.
“What?”
He laughed, and then winced. “You haven’t been listening to me.”
“Sorry.” I blinked. “I kind of dazed out there.”
“I could tel .”
I then had an evil case of word vomit. “I almost hooked up with Aiden.”
Caleb’s mouth dropped open. It took him a couple of tries to say something coherent. “You do mean you almost hooked him like, say, with a fishing pole or something?”
My brows furrowed at that imagery. “No.”
“A right hook to the jaw then?”
I shook my head.
He stared at me, his face draining of al color. “Alex, what in the hel are you thinking? Are you out of your mind? Do you want to end up in servitude? Wow. Oh, my gods, you’re insane.”
I cringed. “I said we almost hooked up, Caleb. Chil out.”
“Almost?” He threw up his arms, then winced. “The Council—the Masters don’t care about almost. Man, here I thought Aiden was cool. Freaking pure-bloods, they don’t give two shits about what happens to us. Risk your entire future to just get between—”
“Hey. Aiden isn’t like that.”
Caleb looked at me blandly. “He isn’t?”
“No.” I rubbed my eyes. “Aiden’s not going to risk my future. Trust me. He’s nothing like the rest of them. I’d trust him with my life, Caleb.”
He considered that silently. “How did it happen?”
“I’m not going to go into details, you perv. It was something that… just happened, but it’s over. I just had to tel someone, but you have to promise me you won’t say anything.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t. I can’t believe you’d even have to worry about that.”
“I know, but I feel better saying it. Okay?”
“Alex… you real y care about him, don’t you?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Yeah, I do.”
“You do realize how wrong that is?”
“Yes, but… he’s so different from any pure we know. He doesn’t think like them. He’s kind and he’s real y funny once you get to know him. He doesn’t put up with any of my crap, and I kind of like him for that. I don’t know. Aiden just gets me.”
“And you do realize that al of that means nothing?” Caleb said. “That it can’t go anywhere?”
That knowledge hurt more than it should. I sighed. “I know. Can we… talk about something else?”
Caleb lapsed into silence, thinking only gods know what.
“Have you seen Seth?”
I propped myself up on one elbow. “No. He didn’t stop by when I was in Nashvil e and I haven’t real y been anywhere today. Why?”
He did his best to shrug. With his bruised ribs, it came off a bit lopsided. “I figured you’d see him since… ”
“Since what?”
“I know I was in and out of it back in the cabin, Alex, but your mom said you were another Apol yon.” He watched me closely.
My stomach turned over and I flopped back on the bed, silent. Caleb stil watched me. Waiting. I took a deep breath and told him everything in one big rush, stopping for a breath right before I told him Seth would become the God Kil er. When it was over, Caleb stared at me as if I had three heads. “What?”
He blinked and shook his head. “It’s just… you shouldn’t be, Alex. I remember my History and Civilization class last year. We talked about the Apol yons and what happened to Solaris. This is… wow.”
“Wow isn’t the word I’m aiming for.” I pushed myself up and crossed my legs. “I mean, it’s pretty cool. Right? At eighteen, I’l either be obliterated or sucked dry by Seth instead of legal y buying cigarettes.”
“But—”
“Not that I would smoke. I guess I could pick up the habit.
Maybe, just maybe, I’l be al energized long enough to use akasha, because I saw Seth use it and it was damn cool.
I’d like to hit a daimon or two with that.”
Caleb scowled. “You’re not taking this serious at al .”
“Oh, I am. This is what I like to cal coping with the impossible.”
He wasn’t impressed by my strategy. “You said Solaris was kil ed because the First Apol yon attacked the Council, right? Not because of what she was?”
I shrugged. “So as long as Seth doesn’t go crazy, then I guess I’m okay.”
“Why didn’t Solaris stand against him?”
“Because she fel in love with him or something lame like that.”
“Then don’t fal in love with Seth.”
“I real y don’t think that’l be a problem.”
He didn’t look entirely convinced. “Thought you guys belonged together or something?”
“Not in that way!” I forced my voice calmer. “It’s like our energy responds to one another. It’s nothing more than that.
I’m just made to… I don’t know, complete him. How freaking lame is that?”
He gave me a concerned look. “Alex, what are you going to do about this?”
“What can I do? I’m not going to stop living… or give up on my life, because of what might happen. Something real y bad may come out of this or something real y good or… nothing at al . I don’t know, but I do know I’m going to focus on being one… ” I stopped, surprised by my own words. Whoa. It was one of those real y mature, real y rare moments in my life.
Dammit. Where was Aiden to witness this?
“Focus on what?”
A wide smile crept across my face. “Focus on being one kickass Sentinel.”
Caleb stil didn’t buy it, but I brought up Olivia and he was successful y distracted. Eventual y I got up to leave. On the way out, I had an idea. It kind of came out of nowhere, but the moment it popped in my head, I knew I had to do it.
“Can you meet me tomorrow night around eight?”
His gaze met mine. Somehow, I think he knew what I was going to ask, because he was already nodding. “I want to have… something for my mom.” I squeezed my arms around my waist. “Like a memorial service or something. I mean, you don’t have to.”
“Of course I’l be there.”
Flushing, I nodded. “Thanks.”
Upon returning to my room, I found two letters stuck in the door—one from Lucian and one from Marcus. I was tempted to trash both of them but I opened up the one from my uncle.
It was a good thing I did. The message was simple, loud, and clear.
Alexandria,
Please come see me immediately.
Marcus.
Crap.
I tossed both of the letters on the smal table in front of my couch and closed the door behind me. My thoughts swirled with what Marcus could want to talk to me about. Gee, the possibilities were endless. The stunt I’d just pul ed, my future at the Covenant, or the whole Apol yon thing. Good gods, I could real y be expel ed and sent to live with Lucian.
How could I’ve forgotten about that?
When I final y did make it over to his office, the sun had started its slow descent over the waters, and the hazy light sent a rainbow of colors shimmering over the ocean. I tried to prepare myself for our meeting, but I didn’t know what Marcus was going to do. Would he expel me? My stomach twisted uncomfortably. What would I do? Live with Lucian?
Go into servitude? Neither of those were options I could live with.
The Guards gave me a curt nod before they opened the door to Marcus’s office and stepped aside. My smile was more of a grimace, but elation swel ed inside me when I recognized who stood beside the massive bulk that was Leon.
Aiden gave me a smal , reassuring smile as the Guards closed the door behind me, but the moment I turned to Marcus, my skin turned cold.
He looked furious.