Chapter Twenty-five
The brisk and briny air felt good against his face. How long since Lucifer sailed the Darkling Sea? He really needed to take more time to enjoy himself. Working too hard, while sinful because it forced him to neglect other matters, was at the same time a good deed as it showed his dedication. Blech. He couldn’t have it said that the great lord couldn’t slack off with the best of them.
His feline minion paced the deck, so worried and in love it made Lucifer both happy and nauseous. On the one hand—six-fingered, which came in handy when strumming his girlfriend—his plan to pair the cat with Jenny worked. Fist pump to Hell’s greatest matchmaker. But on the other hand—four fingered and tipped with claws more deadly than a certain mutant—what was it about love that turned perfectly disreputable men into pussies?
Thank fuck I haven’t fallen victim to that emasculating emotion. Sure, he liked Gaia, but you didn’t see him changing himself into someone else. Okay, so he didn’t screw around anymore or visit the titty bars, and he’d toned down his belching at the dinner table and no longer came to bed wearing the blood of his enemies, but he did those things for sex. Not out of affection. And anyone who dared say otherwise would make a great lampshade for his office.
“Lord Lucifer! Giant clam, starboard.” For a moment, he visualized a hairy clam between creamy thighs. Ah for the seventies before shaving became the norm.
But wait, the lookout meant an actual shellfish. Starboard? Which fucking side was that? Probably the one where a white ribbed shell bobbed on the waves. Strange because didn’t those things usually sit on the bottom of the ocean?
“Demons to the harpoons. Goblins to the cannons. If I give the order, turn that overgrown mollusk into pink slime.” He’d never been a chowder kind of guy. Shrimp, on the other hand, he gorged by the bucket.
With his yellow slicker protecting him from the spray coming off the waves—and ensuring his visibility to those who heeded his orders—Lucifer strode closer, one hand on the hilt of his great sword—his forged one, not his mighty fleshy one.
The seashell inched open, and he held his hand in the air, holding all fire as he waited to see who or what would emerge. Giant pearl? Enemy crab? That Venus chick, who would so get her ass spanked if she popped out while Gaia was here. Mother Nature wasn’t too understanding when his ex-girlfriends came around.
What the mollusk revealed wasn’t on his list, and his eyes widened in surprise.
“Well, I’ll damn myself, Muriel, what in the nine fucking circles are you doing here? I thought you were on vacation with your harem of men and your daughter?”
Stepping forth from the shell, alone, which was rare, was his daughter by Gaia. Muriel shrugged as she took his hand and hopped onto his deck.
“Yeah, well, you know how it is. My beachside holiday turned into a clusterfuck. New lover. New threat to Hell. Story of my life. So once again, I’m here to save the day and your hairy ass.”
“I’ll have you know I had it waxed earlier this week.”
Muriel wasn’t the only one to groan at this revelation. “Too much info. Anyhow— Hold on a second, is that a ducky with horns on your slicker?”
Thrusting his shoulders back, Lucifer grinned as he showed off. “Yes. Do you like it?”
“Only you could hope to carry it off,” was her reply. “And is that Gaia standing on the prow of the ship with her arms spread wide? What is she doing?”
“Don’t ask. Someone has watched Titanic one too many times. But forget about Gaia and her obsession with a certain movie. What are you doing here on my boat?”
“We’ve got a problem. It seems some big bad entity, who was locked away like eons ago, wants back into our plane of existence.”
Another attack by some faceless entity? Awesome, so long as it wasn’t another broad. Lucifer was an old-school chauvinist. Was it too much to ask that some power-hungry males come after him for once? “Well, too fucking bad. Whoever it is will have to find another dimension to crash in because I’m not letting it cross over.”
“You might not want to, but I don’t know if you’ll have a choice. Apparently there’s a key to unlocking the doorway between our world and whatever plane of existence this psycho power is on. The good news is we can destroy the key. It took us—”
“Us? Us as in who?”
An irritated sigh blew past Muriel’s lips. “My newest addition to the family. You’ll meet him later. Anyhow, it took us a little while to figure it out, but apparently there’s a chick who can cast a spell to open some mega doorway that will call this thing and let it in.”
“Who is she? We’ll rip her vocal cords out before she can shout ‘Boo!’”
“According to all indications, in other words some fish guts spread on some weird psychic’s beach, she’s somewhere around here. Maybe you’ve seen or heard of her. Name’s Jenny. Apparently she’s got a killer voice.”
Cue the dramatic music. Lucifer should have known the mission would get interesting. Muriel’s arrival had drawn an audience, and one in particular perked his ears at the mention of a certain name.
“Jenny is who we’ve come to rescue,” Felipe announced.
Muriel shook her head. “Forget rescue. She needs to get taken out before the mermaids use her to let the big bad in.”
Fists bunched at his side, Felipe growled. “You mean kill her? Like fuck.”
Even Lucifer frowned. “I kind of agree with the cat here. Surely there’s a better way. I’ve got my own prophecy, and it says she’s going to help in the battle that’s coming.” As well as give him killer baby minions for his army.
“A battle we can avoid if she’s dead before she starts it.”
And ruin the only fun he’d had in a while? Women! Always trying to stop wars instead of letting a demon have some bloody fun.
“I won’t allow it.” Felipe positioned himself in front of Muriel, every line in his body promising aggression.
Uh-oh. Bad idea. Only fools defied his headstrong daughter. Good thing he wore his slicker. Blood might soon splatter.
Muriel fixed Felipe with a hard stare, something she’d gotten better at as life kept tossing her calamities and she fought back, each time emerging stronger and stronger. “Excuse me, but who in Hell are you?”
“I think the better question is who the fuck do you think you are?”
Had Lucifer forgotten to make introductions? Excellent. It seemed he hadn’t lost his bad manners.
Indignant, his daughter huffed, “That’s it. I’m calling the PR department. As , I demand more respect!”
His daughter might have looked more intimidating if she’d dressed for the part. However, wearing a skimpy bikini, flip-flops, and with tangled surfer-girl hair, his daughter appeared more ready for a swim model photo shoot than ass kicking.
“I don’t care who your daddy is, princess. You’re not killing Jenny.”
“And who’s going to stop me?” she asked with a smirk.
“I will.”
Before anyone could fathom what Felipe meant, he took off running, his form morphing into his Hell kitty, sending his clothes scattering. When he hit the side of the ship, he perched on the rail, a giant feline about to sacrifice another life. Or not. He seemed to hesitate, probably as he realized there was nowhere to really go. Felipe cocked his head, as if listening to an invisible voice—also known as Lucifer’s meddlesome girlfriend—before he launched himself into the swirling whirlpool forming alongside the ship.
Whirlpool? Uh-oh, that didn’t bode well, but it tied with what else Lucifer saw emerging from the frothy waves.
His daughter, less concerned about the oceanic catastrophe happening and more about the insult to her person, let out a screech. “I am so going to skin that cat and use him as a rug when I get my hands on him.”
“Mind rerouting that murderous impulse to something a little more pressing?” Lucifer asked.
Eyes glowing, as a spark from the fires of Hades lit them from within—a chip off the old block—she faced him and snarled. “What could be more important than making sure your minions respect me?”
Usually Lucifer would have sided with her desire to kill someone for respect, even given her a knife. However, the lookout shouted a damned good reason why everyone needed to focus on the bigger dilemma emerging. “Krakens!”