---

Peter stares at me, neck visibly pulsing. ‘And?’

‘That’s it. That’s the truth… Victoria. She’s getting cold. She’s just a baby. She shouldn’t be outside like this.’

‘Babies are too pampered these days. When we were young, mothers drank, smoked, we didn’t have central heating. Everybody turned out just fine.’ He bounces Victoria up and down. ‘Most people anyway.’

His voice is calmer now, but that starts to make me more uneasy. ‘All this time, you never said anything. Why? Why didn’t you just say something afterwards?’

My teeth chatter. I will them to stop but it just gets worse. ‘I— I couldn’t. What could I say? I was caught up in it then. It was too late. I didn’t know how to change it. As time went on, I felt confused about what I remembered.’

A snort of disdain. ‘And what about later? After, when you were older? You were never going to say anything, were you? Even though your so-called mother is dead herself.’

I snivel, the cold making my nose run. ‘I couldn’t. It would have just sounded crazy. I thought about it, but no one would have believed me. They’d have thought it was all me and I was pinning it on Mum. It would have sounded worse.’

‘Everything could have been different. The things Judith and I have imagined… You didn’t have to put us through that.’

That makes something snap. ‘If you and my mum hadn’t been—’

In one sudden move, Peter reaches out to grab me with one hand and I turn to run at the same time. The neck of my jumper tears and he doesn’t let go of the fabric. He bunches it tighter into his fist. Victoria looks at me like it’s a game. I try to smile at her and I picture how manic and frightening I must look.

‘You know she was alive, don’t you?’ Peter says.

The ground feels like it disappears from under me.

‘Who?’ I don’t even want to know what he’s going to say next.

‘Victoria. She was alive when she went into the water. They never released that information but they told us.’

‘No.’

‘You could have saved her.’

‘Mum wouldn’t…’

‘‘Oh, please.’

‘Not if she knew.’

‘You might want to think that. I bet she held her under while she begged.’

Did Mum know that? That she was alive? And she pushed her in the water anyway? A worse thought washes up then. Did I know deep down? The second two splashes. Was that when she struggled?

I feel as if I am falling in a very deep gorge. I’ve yet to hit the ground.

---

I realise Peter is looking out across the lake and I follow his gaze. A car has arrived on the other side. At first I think maybe it’s the police, and relief starts to swell then quickly shrivels again. If Peter called them I might not see Victoria for a long time.

But why would he? After what he just told me.

I squint to look more closely. The outline of the car is familiar. The figure waves and I recognise the way he does it, the angle of his arm.

‘Who is that?’ Peter narrows his eyes too.

‘It’s my husband, Nathan.’ I try to take another step away from him and the fabric of my jumper gives way again, the tear deepening.

Peter ignores me and looks out across the water.

Nathan looks for a while, then stops waving. He sets off around the lake towards us.

‘How does he know where you are?’ Peter gives me a shake, anger rising again.

‘I— I don’t know.’ And I realise I don’t. My stomach drops at that. ‘But he must have gone to the house looking for me. I told him we’d been staying there. I just ran when I saw Victoria was gone. I didn’t even close the door. He’ll be worried.’

Peter seems more agitated then. Stupid of me to say that. He seems to realise what he’s doing, then, and he lets go of me. I stumble back slightly at the release of tension. Victoria has hardly stirred, unaware of what’s going on.

Peter starts scratching hard at a patch on his head. The skin soon looks raw.

I go to take Victoria from him and I expect him to struggle or snatch her away again but he releases her and I pull her to me, relief at the weight and warmth of her in my arms.

‘No, no, no, this doesn’t look right at all,’ Peter says. ‘I wanted you to know how it felt. Just a glimpse of what you’ve done to me and Judith. To lose your daughter. To not know where she is, what’s happened to her. To think about her up here. I think about what it was like for her, you know, that night. In the pitch-black.’

‘I think about that night too,’ I say. ‘Every day.’

Peter is still scratching his head. ‘What are we going to say? To Nathan?’

‘What does that matter?’ I say. ‘We’ll just say we came for a walk or something? It doesn’t matter.’

‘He’s seen us… And then you’ll go back and play happy families? Live happily ever after? Forget all this ever happened?’

‘I don’t know what you want from me. We’re going to go now, Peter, OK?’ I start edging forwards.

‘Get in the water,’ Peter says, dull and distant.

‘What? Peter?’ I look over at Nathan and he’s stopped. He’s watching us.

Peter hisses through his teeth, barely moving his mouth. ‘Get in the water and walk. You need to feel what it’s like to be in there.’

I think about running, but with Victoria I’d be too slow. I’d risk falling. Peter takes out his phone and gets Judith’s number up.

The water is icy cold when it hits me, coming up to my ankles. Peter puts the phone away again.

‘Sylvie!’ I hear someone shout. Nathan. His voice sounds closer now but I don’t dare to look.

My head is light. I wonder if I’ve already passed out, if I am already under the water. In the blackness.

‘Nathan!’ I try to shout, pulling Victoria towards me. My words form small clouds in the cold air and drift away towards him.

‘Keep walking, Sylvie,’ Peter says.

The water is up to my thighs now, the cold running up my bones. Then it’s at my waist, pouring over the top of my jeans and inside them. Solid things, too, sticking to my skin now. I’m waiting for one of the shelves to drop from beneath me. I think of the sheep’s heads and dead things we heard they found in here. It feels like something scuttles across my foot but I don’t know if I am imagining it. I turn back to Peter, pleading, but he nods for me to go on. He’s holding his arms out now, so it looks like he’s beckoning me to come back.

Soon the water will be up my body, touching Victoria.

I call for Nathan and he shouts back, ‘I’m here, Sylvie.’ And I start to change direction and go towards him. Trying to speed up, but the water slows me down. Something snags and catches on my feet and trips me. It’s rooted hard into the bottom of the lake and I teeter, trying to disentangle myself, terrified of dropping Victoria in the lake. I right myself and try to keep my breathing steady, kissing the top of her head gently. Somehow, she doesn’t seem upset or anxious. She blinks up at me, then closes her eyes again.

Peter moves along so he’s level with me on the edge of the lake. ‘OK, Sylvie. Come towards me and get out now.’ He reaches his arms out for Victoria. I have to hand her to him or I can’t climb out.

My legs are heavy when I try to get out of the lake, water sloshing off them. Peter grips my elbow, hard, and I push my weight down until I can get a footing on the side.

Peter sits on the bench slowly and gestures for me to sit next to him. Nathan is getting closer now, but he’s slowed down, cautious. Peter pats the bench again. I sit down; I don’t have any choice.

‘We’re in this together now, you and me,’ he says, putting an arm around my shoulder.

‘What do you mean?’

My thoughts race. How long would I get to explain to Nathan? There’s so much to say, that he would need to understand. Where would I even start?

‘It would break Judith, that’s the thing. To know how it happened,’ Peter says, putting another arm around me as if to warm me up. ‘She’d blame herself, not just you and me. I’m all she has. We can’t do that to her. Not now. She’s been through too much already.’ He strokes Victoria’s cheek gently. There are thin wet tracks down his face.

I look at him in horror, but reflected back at me is his face brightening. He rubs at the top of my arms.

‘I’ll be watching you, Sylvie. You’ll come back here regularly and you’ll bring the little one to see me and Judith. That would make her happy, my Jude.’

My face prepares itself to protest. Nathan is almost here now and he breaks into a run. ‘Sylvie, what’s happening?’

‘Why? How are you here?’ I hear myself say.

‘You didn’t sound right on the phone so I found your mum’s address. All those Christmas and birthday cards you never post. I wanted to come and pick you up. I got to the house and the door was swinging open. Your neighbour said to try here, that you often come up here. And then I was really scared.’

Peter stands up and goes towards him. ‘She’s alright, mate. She’s just got herself a bit upset. A bit mixed up, eh, Sylvie love? She’s alright now, aren’t you, pet?’

‘Sylvie, my God. I’m so sorry.’ Nathan bends down and puts his hands on my shoulders. ‘I shouldn’t have let you just go like that.’

‘It isn’t your fault,’ I say. And I think about what I’m passing on now, the next wave of ripples that will come from this. How it’s changing the course of my and Nathan’s life. And Victoria’s.

‘Thanks so much for being here,’ he says to Peter, patting him on the top of his arm then putting his hand out. ‘Nathan.’

Peter shakes it. ‘Least I could do, mate. I’ve known Sylvie since she was just a girl. You’re alright now, eh, love? Everything’s going to be OK now, isn’t it?’

I get up and I hear Peter turn to the side and say to Nathan, ‘You’ll have to watch her, mate. With the baby. She isn’t in a good way.’

Nathan takes Victoria from me as if she’s made of glass. He walks me back around the lake, arm around me but not quite touching, like he’s afraid he will break me too.