Oh my God, it was happening again. It was like that movie, Groundhog Day. How had I allowed this to happen? Again? The wedding to Ryan Delaney was in two weeks. Two weeks! I was miserable. Completely and utterly miserable. Even more, I was ashamed at myself. I was a weak, spineless coward. Why was I such a coward? Why was I allowing this to happen again? Would I never learn?

I missed Ben. I missed the simplicity, his genuineness. That day at the park, I had been deeply touched that he'd gone to so much trouble. It was just a stupid picnic, but he'd gone to a lot of trouble to make the food, to pick out the spot… when was the last time a guy had ever used such imagination when dating me? Never. Not once had I ever been wooed at a picnic. And then, seeing it, I had gotten annoyed with him.

I had ended up blaming him for my own yellow streak, my inability to just stand up to my parents. To tell them to go fuck off… but that seemed a bit extreme. I didn't hate my parents. No matter what, I loved them, even if they didn't love me in the way I wished they did. Maybe they had never learned how. But after spending time with Ben, seeing how his parents were together, I had seen a glimpse of the 'other side' of what a relationship could be.

I had grown annoyed because he had seen the truth. My truth. That I had always allowed my parents to control me. I hadn't fooled Ben a bit. And then I accused him of trying to change me and who I was. The fact that I didn't like what I had become was beside the point.

What made everything seem even worse – that made me feel worse - was that my mother was almost giddy today, discussing the final arrangements for the upcoming wedding. There was to be no long engagement this time. No protracted courtship, no chance for any blunders on my part. Not that I had blundered when it came to Daniel. It wasn't my fault he'd fallen for one of his editors. Of course, I hadn't loved Daniel, not really, any more than I felt anything for Ryan. I had pretended I did, and had almost convinced myself of it as well.

I know that my parents were still upset with me for what they called my "foolish plan" of presenting Ben to them as a suitable partner. I should've known I would never get away with it. I had hoped that presenting him to my parents would buy me some time, some time to think, to figure out what to do, but it'd only prompted them to become increasingly suspicious of my every move. It'd caused them to rapidly accelerate this so-called "engagement" even to the point where they didn't seem to care that tongues would wag, that gossip would travel through their beloved circle of friends and acquaintances like wildfire.

I wondered if anybody knew about my parent's dire financial situation. Nothing was kept secret for long, not in New York City. Everyone seemed to eventually find the dirt on anyone. It was too bad that my mom was more excited about going over the final wedding arrangements than I was. Actually, I felt sick to my stomach watching her sign papers, make decisions, exclaim over floral arrangements, menus, and catering stuff. I turned to look at her, for the first time trying to see her as a person other than "mom".

We sat at a large desk in the wedding planner's office, all alone for the moment. I blurted the question before I even realized I was going to ask it.

"Mom?" She turned toward me. "Have you ever loved Dad?”

She appeared startled by the question, her eyes widening briefly, before she frowned and made a tsking sound.

"Karen, of all the questions to ask. Why don't you focus your attention on the table settings we've narrowed down?"

I couldn't let it go. "If you never did, or if you don't, why would you want the same for me?"

She carefully placed the fabric swatches down onto the desk in front of us, one a dark maroon, the other a royal blue. She looked at me, her expression composed, blank, emotionless.

"Don't hit impertinent with me, Karen. You know that your father and I are doing what we feel is best for you."

I opened my mouth to protest but she held up a hand.

"I know you don't agree, but it's true. You've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. You know it and we know it. Why deny it? Your father told me about that young man's apartment and where it was located—"

"His name is Ben, Mother."

"Fine… Ben," she said, waving a hand. "Are you truly willing to give up your apartment for something like that? Seriously?"

I didn't answer.

"I didn't think so. There's nothing wrong with having a plump bank account, for being able to go out and buy something you want, to not be left wanting. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?"

I said nothing. She didn't understand.

"Ryan will make a very good match for you. A smart match. He's handsome, he comes from a good family, he's educated, and he's got world experience. And what does this Ben have? A mediocre job? A ratty old apartment? A questionable background?"

"This has nothing to do with me, and you know it," I said, gesturing at the fabric swatches. "The least you could do is admit it. You chose Daniel for me because of his bank account, you're doing the same with Ryan. We both know it."

"And?" she asked, eyebrow lifted.

For the first time I was shocked at my mom’s obvious callousness. This couldn't be the first time I'd seen it. However, it could be the first time that I'd ever truly acknowledged it. And at that moment, a flush of emotion surged through me. "I'm not interested in just money, anymore, Mom. I'm not really that interested in you holding money over my head, or the fact that this is yet another attempt at a merger marriage is for my sake. We both know that it's for yours."

Her frown deepened. "Don't get snippy with me, Karen."

My voice broke. "Or what? You'll threaten to take my apartment away? My allowance? My inheritance?" I shook my head. "Don't you realize that I probably broke Ben's heart? That—"

"And whose fault is that, Karen?" she interrupted. "You're the one who started all this. You're the one who led him along, not us—"

I forged ahead. She was right, but I felt I needed to defend him. "He's a sweet guy, and probably one that I don't even deserve. He may be a poor working guy, a guy from Oklahoma, but I'll tell you one thing, Mom. He's got more than I have ever had, and more than I probably ever will." I choked down my tears. "So I hope you're happy."

She stared at me for several moments, then finally spoke. "All right, now that you've gotten that out of your system, can we continue?"

Numb inside, I realized that maybe all this was inevitable, maybe even for the best. And I was right. Ben didn't deserve someone like me. He deserved someone who could truly appreciate everything that he had to offer. Who could love him without question.

I was afraid. I was afraid of losing my inheritance, of eking out a living, living from paycheck to paycheck. Could even true love make up for that kind of life? Could I, Karen Queen, spoiled little rich girl, ever be content with anything less?

Maybe being with Ryan would be easier. He came from my world, but I know he didn't love me anymore than I loved him. My God, we were still strangers to one another. I had no expectations from him. This was just another match made by my parents. He wasn't an ogre, it wasn't that. But for him, marriage to me would be marrying into a well-known and established family, one which hearkened back to the origins of New York society, a Mayflower family. The prestige of that was hard for some to turn away from. But it didn't make me feel like I was anything more than a goal, a possession, a step up the political ladder. A means to an end.

At that moment, I recognized the truth. I wasn't valued by Ryan, not the way I was valued by Ben. As my mom continued to examine fabric swatches, muttering softly to herself, effectively ignoring me, I replayed nearly every moment of my time spent with Ben. It might've been short, but it definitely made an impression. From that first sight of him sliding up to me at the bar, grinning at my audacity, standing up in the middle of a church and screaming my fool head off, he had made quite an impression. His good looks, his great body, the amazing sex, but even so, it was more than that. I remembered every moment of dinner at his parent's house, seeing for the first time what a real family was like. A family who would overcome the deepest of losses and yet held together.

He had made me laugh, had made me look deep inside, had encouraged me, and shown me how much of life I truly missed out on. Life had to be more than clubbing, shopping, and spending money, and it had taken Ben to show me that. But now it was too late, wasn't it? It was my fault, the position I found myself in. It was my fault I was sitting here, in the wedding planner's office, watching my mother decide on what color tablecloths to choose for a wedding to a man I didn't love. I had fooled myself into thinking that I loved Daniel Stone, but after having spent time with Ben, enjoying his company, and… well, I realized that I had never been in love before.

Not until Ben. And now it was too late.

He may not have money, but he made me feel like a real person. He saw me beneath the surface that I tried so hard to portray. I also knew what I wanted, more than anything at this moment. It wasn't money, and it wasn't my fancy apartment. It was Ben.

I wanted Ben.