Chapter Eighteen
Maybe she was the one who’d hit her head, because she was certain he hadn’t just spoken the words she’d heard. “Are we having a hypothetical conversation?”
“No, Alyssa. I’m trying to tell you that I have real feelings for you, and I think—I hope—you have real feelings for me, too.”
She did. Of course she did. But his declaration was as unexpected to her as Diego’s visit.
“I want to end the pretense and be with you for real,” he continued. “I want to marry you for real.”
“Ohmygod.” It was a good thing she was already sitting down, because the bones in her legs felt as if they’d completely melted away.
“I was expecting a yes or no answer,” he told her. “Preferably a yes.”
“This wasn’t supposed to be real,” she felt compelled to remind him.
“And yet this entire charade was more real than any other relationship I’ve ever had. My feelings for you are more real than anything I’ve ever felt for anyone else.”
She’d never expected to hear him say those words. Words that filled her heart with so much unspeakable joy she felt as if it actually swelled inside her chest.
Except that this wasn’t what she wanted. She’d moved to Nevada to be independent, and she was finally starting to get the hang of it. She wasn’t ready to fall in love and build a life with someone else—not even the man she suspected she loved already.
“You said that our fake relationship wasn’t going to turn into anything more,” she reminded him. “You promised.”
The desperation in her tone was Jay’s first clue that this wasn’t going to go as he’d imagined. “I didn’t plan to fall in love with you,” he said patiently. “It just happened.”
“Then maybe you can fall out of love with me just as spontaneously,” she suggested.
“I don’t think so,” he said, ruefully acknowledging that any illusions he had of her throwing herself into his arms and professing undying love were nothing more than that.
“You could at least try.”
“I don’t want to try. I want to be with you.”
“What happened to not wanting to emulate your parents’ marriage?” she asked.
“I’m not worried about that anymore. Not with you.” He took her hands, linked their fingers together. “What are you afraid of, Lys?” he asked gently.
“Marriage is a promise. A commitment.” She shook her head. “I can’t.”
He released her hands and leaned back against the rock wall bordering the patio. “You’re serious,” he realized. “You’re actually saying no.”
“I have to. I’m not ready for this,” she said. “Not right now.”
His wounded pride urged him to walk away. No way in hell was he going to beg for scraps of affection. But his pride was no match for his heart, demanding that he hold on to hope. “When?”
She looked at him, her eyes filled with anguish and tears. “I don’t know. And I’m not asking you to wait for me—that wouldn’t be fair.”
“You’re right,” he agreed. “But I’m not going anywhere, Alyssa. Because I love you, and I know now that real love doesn’t just go away. So when you decide that you’re ready to share your heart—and your life—I’ll be right here waiting for you.”
* * *
Alyssa went back to California for a week before school was scheduled to resume. She needed time away from Jason, and not just distance but perspective, to help her get her head on straight—and she desperately needed to get her head on straight. Because it didn’t matter where she was or who she was with; she was always thinking about him. And, of course, the whole time she was in Irvine, she remembered her last visit—with Jason.
She didn’t like to think that it might be her heart rather than her head that was the problem. But she couldn’t deny that she missed him unbearably.
Still, she was sure she’d done the right thing. Whatever she was feeling now was only temporary. They’d both been caught up in the play—like actors who fell in love while working together on the stage, only to find those feelings fade when they went their separate ways.
When were the feelings going to fade?
When was she going to wake up and not miss him?
Three days later, when she still didn’t have the answers to those questions, she went to see her sister and confided, “Jason asked me to marry him.”
Cristina, who’d been as hurt as she was disappointed to learn her sister’s engagement was a sham, paused with her cup of coffee halfway to her mouth. “For real this time?”
Alyssa nodded. “But I said no.”
Her sister’s brows lifted. “Why?”
“Because it seemed a slightly less terrifying option than saying yes,” she admitted.
Cristina sipped her coffee, considering. “Do you love him?”
“How would I know?” she asked. “I’ve never been in love before.”
“So you don’t think anyone who falls in love only once can ever be sure that it’s real?”
“Of course not,” she replied. “But even if this is real, I’m not ready for it. I’ve only just started to live my own life.”
“And you think being in a committed relationship with a man who loves and respects you will somehow jeopardize your independence?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted.
“Okay, let me ask you this—do you think I’m less myself since I married Steven?”
“Of course not. But you’ve always been brave, strong and independent, able to tackle any obstacles in your path.”
“And you think you’ve been scared, weak and dependent?” her sister guessed.
“I have been,” she insisted. “Isn’t that why you encouraged me to move away from Irvine?”
Cristina shook her head. “I encouraged you to move away so that you could see the truth—that you’re every bit as brave and strong and independent as I am. Maybe even more so, because you’ve overcome obstacles I’ve never had to face.”
Alyssa swiped at a tear that spilled onto her cheek. “I’m not brave—I’m terrified.”
“Of course you are. Because love is terrifying. And wonderful. And I’m so happy for you.”
“I told him no,” she reminded her sister.
“And when you go back to Haven, you’ll tell him yes,” Cristina said.
Alyssa didn’t believe for a minute it could be that simple, but for the first time since she got on the plane in Elko, she felt a tiny blossom of hope unfurl inside her heart.
* * *
She’d been gone for five days.
And in those five days, Jason had received no communication from Alyssa. Not a phone call, not even a text message.
Of course, he hadn’t contacted her, either.
But he’d picked up the phone so many times he’d lost count. And he’d started numerous text messages, only to delete each and every one before sending.
He’d already put his heart on the line—there wasn’t anything more that he could do. He didn’t want to pressure her. And he definitely didn’t want to come across as a pathetically needy guy who couldn’t accept that the woman he loved didn’t love him back.
Because he didn’t feel pathetic or needy—he just felt empty, as if there was a great big gaping hole in his life where she used to be.
Okay, maybe that was pathetic and needy. And when the knock sounded at his door, he jumped up to answer it, grateful for any interruption of his unwelcome thoughts and uncomfortable reflections.
Then he opened the door, and she was there. And his pathetically needy heart immediately filled with hope and joy, though his wounded pride and wary mind urged caution.
“You’re back,” he said and immediately felt like a fool for stating the obvious.
She nodded. “Have I come at a bad time?”
He had no idea what time it was, and he didn’t care. All that mattered was that she was here. After five endless days, she was finally here.
But of course, he didn’t say that to her. Instead, he responded with a shake of his head. “No, it’s not a bad time.”
She smiled, though it wavered a little. “Good, because I’ve been waiting for five days to tell you something and I don’t want to wait even five minutes more.”
“Do you want to come in or say it in the hall?”
She walked through the open door and into the sitting area, but she remained standing, so he did the same.
“For a long time, I honestly thought my damaged heart was incapable of falling in love,” she confided. “Then I met you...and suddenly I was feeling all kinds of things I’d never felt before. And the more time we spent together, the more those feelings grew. I knew I was starting to fall for you—and it was the most exhilarating and terrifying feeling in the world. But I didn’t want to go splat, so I held myself back.
“And maybe I was doing just fine, living my own life, but you showed me what it could be like to share my life with someone. With you. And I wanted that so much that it scared me. Because I didn’t let myself hope that you might ever feel about me the way I felt about you, and I was certain the only thing that would be worse than never experiencing love would be trying to put together the broken pieces of my heart.
“You once told me that I was brave, but I’m not. I’m a coward. I was willing to walk away from the possibility of what we could have together rather than risk having my heart broken.”
“You’re here now,” he pointed out.
“I’m here now,” she agreed.
“And now that you’ve taken the first step, the next one should be a little easier,” he said encouragingly.
But Alyssa was still wary. “The next one’s not a step. It’s a leap.”
He held her gaze, and she could see the feelings in his heart reflected in his eyes. “I’ll catch you,” he promised.
And because she knew that he would, she leaped.
“I love you, Jason Channing. I didn’t plan for this to happen—I didn’t even want it to happen. But I trust now that my feelings are real and not going to change, and I don’t want to spend even one more day without you. So, if you still love me—”
“I still love you,” he assured her.
And the unwavering conviction in his tone made her smile come a little more easily this time.
But he wasn’t finished yet. “These past few days without you have been the loneliest, emptiest days of my life,” he continued. “I was perfectly content before you came along. I didn’t want or need anything else, until you showed me how much better everything is when we’re together.
“There was a time when the prospect of spending the rest of my days with one person made me panic. Now the only thing that scares me is the prospect of spending even a single day without you beside me. You are my everything—for now and forever.”
She hadn’t expected such an outpouring of emotion, but his words filled her heart to overflowing. “In that case, I would like to say yes to your proposal,” she told him. “Because there’s nothing I want more than to marry you and build a life with you—for now and forever.”
He turned away from her then and made his way across the room to his desk. “I still don’t have an engagement ring,” he said as he opened the top drawer. “And Carter will no doubt curse a blue streak when I leave him in charge of Adventure Village again, but I want to take you to New York to pick one out.”
At his mention of a ring, the last of the weight that had been sitting on her chest was lifted, allowing her to tease, “They don’t sell engagement rings anywhere in Nevada?”
“They don’t have Tiffany’s flagship store in Nevada,” he told her. “Plus, I know you’ve always wanted to see New York City and I’d really like you to meet Brie.”
“I’d like that, too, but I don’t need a piece of jewelry to...” Her words trailed off when he handed her the flat velvet box he’d retrieved from his desk.
“It’s not a ring,” he said again. “But maybe you can wear it as a symbol of my love for you until we get a diamond.”
She took the box from him and carefully opened the lid to reveal a perfectly shaped heart pendant on a delicate gold chain. “Oh, Jason. It’s beautiful.”
“I’m not asking you to get rid of the necklace your sister gave you, but I’m hoping you’ll wear this one sometimes and know that this is how I see your heart—whole and perfect.”
“My heart’s not perfect,” she told him. “But I promise that it’s yours. For now and forever.”
And when he took her in his arms, she knew that her imperfect heart had finally found its perfect match.
* * * * *
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