THEN
Oh, the excuses he made.
It meant nothing.
I didn’t even know his name.
You never said we were monogamous. And then when that got no response, Monogamy is for heteros.
All of this was communicated to me in texts and voicemails and one rather long, rambling email where Seth went from opining on his love and devotion to me to blaming me for being so insensitive as to not respond to his numerous appeals.
I stayed home from school the day after I found out Seth was cheating on me, choosing instead to bury myself under my blankets and wallow. I didn’t get it all out, so I stayed home the day after that too. My sister covered for me with our parents and said something really nasty and contagious was going around school. She came home Friday afternoon with what she called breakup snacks. My cousins had sent me a bunch of links to torrent sites where I could download their favorite anime series and martial arts movies. I had about 24 hours queued up to ease my misery. Mai came in after I’d just finished one series and had switched to old episodes of Zatoichi, some of which didn’t even have English dubs. I’d already seen all 26 of the Zatoichi films, but never the television show.
Mai was grossed out by the blood and continually hiding her face behind a pillow, but after the first couple of hours, she became increasingly desensitized to the gore.
There was one scene where the blind swordsman, the show’s main character, was dueling another man, and towards the end of the fight scene, you can tell the other guy is slowing down, but you don’t know why until you realize the blind swordsman has been gutting him all along, so elegantly and with blows so well-placed, you couldn’t even tell until his opponent is glassy-eyed and dead. The swordsman was almost kind in the manner in which he killed his opponent, but the end result was the same.
I didn’t even see it coming.
I questioned everything I thought was true about our relationship. Did Seth really love me or had I only imagined it? And if he did love me, why wasn’t it enough for him to be faithful? What had I done wrong?
I kept seeing that blond boy on his knees with his mouth so full of Seth he was practically choking on him. Even worse was seeing Seth’s body move like that, hearing him make those noises… Had I not given him everything he wanted? Was I not desirable, clever, available… enough for him?
That was the only conclusion I could draw. All roads pointed to me not being enough. Seth’s sexual appetite was so strong that I couldn’t satisfy him, so he went elsewhere, and he hid it from me. Because he didn’t want to hurt me. And he didn’t want to get caught. Like a fucking coward.
I had so many questions. So many insecurities I thought I’d overcome were now staring me down like floodlights. And in the midst of all that was the deep aching in my bones that made even getting up to go to the bathroom seem like an insurmountable chore. I didn’t want to go to school on Monday either, but Mai insisted, so I dragged my ass through my schedule, avoiding Sabrina during lunch because I was mad at her too. Even though she’d exposed what was going on, she should have told me herself so that I’d know what I was walking into. Instead, she played games and let me walk blindly into that shit show.
In a way I’d lost Sabrina too because she was no longer loyal to me, but to Seth and the band.
I walked home from school—the long way because I didn’t want to have to pass by Seth’s house. He was still calling and texting me. I’d shut off my phone somewhere around third period and only turned it on after school to see the endless string of messages and missed calls. Most of them were from Seth, but there were a few in there from Sabrina as well saying she was sorry but that I needed to see it for myself. Two from Jeannie slamming Seth. One from Sasha passing along the number of a guy who saw me at a Petty Crime show and thought I was cute with the message, You can do so much better. One from Mitchell not mentioning the event at all and instead simply saying, Let me know if you need a ride to school.
That one actually made me feel better.
Caleb didn’t have my number, so there were no texts from him. He wasn’t there that night, but I figured Mitchell would have told him. Or not. It was hard to say.
Then it dawned on me that if Seth and I broke up, I’d basically have to give up on all those friendships I’d made as well, which meant I was completely alone.
And of all the emotions circling me like hungry wolves, shame was the worst of them. I’d trusted Seth so completely. I kicked myself for not seeing this coming. Or not picking up on the clues, but how could I have known unless he told me? My goddamned curfew made it so easy for him. He’d probably always been cheating on me. The thought that this had been going on since the beginning made me feel ten times worse. Thank God I made him use a condom. I should still get tested.
And then I just felt dirty and used and manipulated. And stupid for letting it happen. For jumping in head first. For believing his lies. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It went on like that for a couple more days. I’d wake up in the morning and hope to feel better, but each day that passed, I felt worse. In an effort to scrape my smooshed and barely beating heart off the pavement, I made plans to play pick-up basketball with some of the neighborhood kids. I tried not to think about the fact that those same courts were where Seth and I had met. Two games and I played both of them like shit. I was out of practice and unable to focus. They went pretty easy on me regardless. Word had gotten around Hilliard that Seth and I were on the outs. Seth had probably posted about in on Instagram. I vowed never to open that app ever again.
It was the weekend, and I was at the water fountain filling up after practicing hoops on my own for a couple of hours, cursing Seth’s name, when the man himself showed up. He must have been making the rounds in search of me, since we hadn’t communicated since that night at Corner Bar. He looked rough, like he hadn’t slept much in the past couple of weeks or bothered to shave. Maybe my absence had triggered one of his depressive episodes. As mad as I was, I still cared for him and hoped that wasn’t the case.
Thankfully I’d spotted him crossing the courts, which gave me enough time to think up what I was going to say to him. Or not say. I’d pretend I didn’t give a shit—about him, about us, about anything. It was what I did with my dad when he started in on me. Best-case scenario, I’d make it through a conversation without crying. I might break down every night in my bedroom, but there was no way I’d give Seth the satisfaction of seeing me in pain.
“Hey,” Seth said when he was a mere two feet away, close enough that I could reach out and touch him. He risked a glance up at me, then hung his head and looked sorry as hell, but who could tell if it was genuine remorse or only an act? I couldn’t trust anything he said ever again.
“‘Sup?” I said like a bro. I took a slow drink of water, letting it work its way down my esophagus and settle in my stomach. I wiped my mouth with the back of my sweaty wrist and glanced around. It was nearing dinnertime on a Sunday afternoon, and the park was dead—just him and me.
“Can we talk about it?” Seth asked while wincing like he was in pain.
I’d heard everything he had to say already, and nothing had compelled me to call him back. Every time I considered it, a vision of that kid on his knees assaulted me like a high-voltage electric shock.
“I got to get home,” I told him. “Streetlights and all.” I kicked myself for making a reference to the Before. In my mind, our relationship would forever be defined by that one event. Before. And After.
“I’ll walk you home,” Seth said. He didn’t even ask. Of course he wouldn’t. As far as he was concerned, he still owned me.
“No thanks,” I said, even though I wanted him desperately. Love is fucked up that way. Your rational mind can tell you that you don’t love someone, but everything else—your skin, your bones, your dick, your hemorrhaging heart—says otherwise.
“Please, Hiroku. I just want to talk to you.”
I gazed past him, not wishing to give him even my eye contact. “So, talk.”
I saw his shoulders slump out of the corner of my eye. I cared but didn’t show it. “Can we go over to the swings?” He gestured helplessly in that direction.
“Five minutes.” I strode over to the swings, not even looking to see if he was following me. I knew that he would.
I dropped my ball on the ground, plopped down on one of the old swings and gripped the rusted metal chains in both fists, thankful to have them to hold onto. I dug into the ground with my heels, but I didn’t try to swing. I was already nauseated.
Seth kneeled in the dirt before me, ass resting on his heels as though about to bow down in prayer. He was prostrating himself before me to get back on my good side, as if submitting physically would somehow convince me to let go of my anger.
“I am so sorry, Hiroku.”
I felt nothing at hearing him apologize. Absolutely nothing.
“Sorry for getting head from John Deere or sorry for getting caught?” I asked ferociously.
“You know which one I’m sorry for.”
I gazed out at the line of trees darkening in the setting sun. My throat was thick and making it hard for me to speak. “No, I don’t.” I dared to look him in the eyes. God, the aching was unbearable. Like a vacuum slowly sucking my heart through the gaps in my ribcage and tearing it open in the process.
“Then I’m sorry for both. And that you had to see it.”
I didn’t have to see it, but I wasn’t going to argue semantics with Seth—he’d probably win that argument anyway. “How long have you been getting head and whatever else from other people?”
“It was just sex,” Seth said.
I grinned, but there was absolutely no joy in it. “You say that like it’s borrowing a pencil.”
“It’s the most basic bodily function.”
I chuckled snidely. “Riiight. So, it’s cool for me to go get head from randos as well?” Seth’s expression darkened. He was jealous and possessive as hell. He once told off a guy for dancing too close to me at a club. He couldn’t even fake being open to that suggestion. I nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“I know you’re mad at me. You have every right to be, but please don’t freeze me out like this. It’s…unbearable.” He dragged one hand through his thick hair. His eyes grew large and moist. Jesus, he was going to start crying.
“I wouldn’t want to put you through any more distress,” I said icily. Even in his apology, he was making it about himself.
“I’d rather you yell at me,” he said. “Fight me. Fucking punch me in the dick. Anything but this…this…void.”
I pushed back on my heels and leaned backward to escape him, as though I could swing myself right out of his life. I used to do that, swing as high as I could and then jump off, airborne for a thrilling two or three seconds before landing in a crouch in the dirt. Mai hated it.
But even a little bit of physical distance helped lessen his pull. Seth’s presence was drowning me. I wanted to hit him and hug him and fuck him. And I wanted this pain to be over. Taking him back would be the easiest way to end it, at least for now.
I came back down to a sitting position in front of him.
“I loved you,” I told him. “I trusted you. Whether or not it was stated explicitly, you let me believe we were in a monogamous, committed relationship. You threatened Sabrina with something to keep her from telling me about your cheating, which means you knew you were wrong—a real dick move, by the way. But I still found out. And now, instead of being truly sorry, you’re focusing again on your own feelings, proving to me that you really don’t give a shit about what I’m going through.” And here, I couldn’t stop the tears because I was overwhelmed with sadness over how much I loved him and wanted to be with him still. I wiped my eyes with the heels of my hands and commanded myself to get it together.
“So, here it is,” I continued. “My heart is broken. You broke it. I’m so sad that I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Or eat. Or fucking take a shower… I trusted you to love me and protect me, and you failed. So, you and I are no longer together. You warned me before you weren’t boyfriend material, and you were right. Shame on me.”
I shuddered at the effort of getting all of that out. Seth dropped his head and stuffed his knuckles into his eye sockets. His shoulders shook. He was crying too. I’d said those things, knowing it would hurt him, but I still wanted to reach out and comfort him.
Instead, I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees and buried my forehead in my hands. Why did he have to do this? Destroy everything we’d created together? Why did he have to turn me into this cold, bitter, spiteful person?
“I love you, Hiroku,” Seth said in a choked voice. “I fucked up. I knew every time that I shouldn’t be doing it, but you have to believe that it meant nothing to me. It was just sex. I never talked to them afterward or dated them or bought them gifts or even gave them my phone number. I never wanted to hold them all night long or create music with them or have in-depth conversations or experience new things… I can’t even remember what they look like. All I ever see in my mind is you. I love you. You are the only person I want to be with, now and forever. You are so much more than a boyfriend to me, and I understand if you don’t want to be with me right now, but if I can’t have you in my life, even a little bit, then I just want to die.”
I cut a cold glare at him. “Don’t threaten suicide with me,” I said in a low, dangerous growl.
“I’m not,” he wailed and reached for my hand. My mind told me to pull back, but my fingers wanted to touch him so badly. He placed my palm against his wet cheek and then kissed the inside of my hand. I let him go as far as my wrist before withdrawing and tucking my hands safely between my knees. “You said you’d never leave me,” he moaned with misery.
I stared at my hands and said nothing. So many broken promises.
He cleared his throat and tried to straighten himself up a bit. “I know you’re mad at me right now. You have every right to be. I should have been honest with you, and I wasn’t. I was selfish. I’ve hurt you. Deeply. And that’s what I’m sorry for. Knowing I caused you this pain makes me hate myself.” He looked up at me, and I made the mistake of staring back at him. I believed he was sorry. I believed he missed me. I even believed he loved me. But it didn’t make my own pain go away. If anything, it made it harder.
“I just want you to know that any time you want to see me—for whatever reason—whether it’s friendship or sex or because you want to watch the band practice or hang out with Mitchell and Sabrina or fucking yell at me and tell me to go to hell. Whatever you want, however you want it, you can have it.”
What I wanted was to go back to how it was before, minus all the cheating, and if not that, I wanted him to promise he’d never do it again. And mean it.
But he wasn’t going to do that, and I didn’t think I could bear to go through that pain again, which meant there was nothing left to say.
I stood up to go. Seth followed suit. He swallowed, and I watched his Adam’s apple bobble up and down in his throat. I wanted him right then and there. Every day and in every way. He saw it too—my need—but pretended not to.
“Any time,” he repeated, getting misty-eyed again. He reached out as if to hug me, but I slowly backed away.
I didn’t say goodbye. That felt way too optimistic.
I held out for another three days. Every night I was restless and horny, clawing at my bed sheets like an animal in heat. After having a physical connection with someone nearly every day for almost a year, the separation from it was unbearable. I tried to get myself off, but it was like I didn’t know my own body anymore. I’d relied on Seth for so much sexual gratification that my dick felt cold and lifeless in my own hands.
Empty.
I snuck out without telling Mai. I wouldn’t be able to handle her disappointment in me. Seth’s front door was unlocked as if he was expecting me. The house was dark and silent, so I climbed the stairs to his room. Perhaps he was already out fucking someone else, I thought bitterly. He wasn’t though. He was sitting at the edge of his bed, in the dark, staring at nothing. And it looked as though he’d been doing it for a while. He looked so spaced out; it was almost like he was comatose. It scared me a little. I wondered if he was taking his meds—his prescribed ones—and if this was the result. His eyes lifted when he saw me, and a sad smile graced his face.
“You’re here,” he said like he’d been waiting for me all this time.
“No talking,” I told him while shucking off my clothes. Seth caught on quickly and did the same. He pulled me onto his lap, then flipped me onto my back, manhandled me into submission, letting me strain against him and release some of the anger and frustration I’d been keeping bottled up inside. I bit him and clawed at him and pushed him away, but he kept coming back for more. He gave me exactly what I needed without me having to ask him. It started out rough, but by the end, Seth was so tender and loving and in tune with my every moan and sigh that it made me believe what he said about the others not mattering to him. I wished so badly they didn’t matter to me either.
I cried a little when I came; it felt so good.
Afterward, I gave myself a few minutes to bask in the bittersweet afterglow. Then as the cold sobering regret set in, I dressed and headed for the door.
“I wish you’d never come to the bar that night,” Seth said softly. Haunted eyes and tousled hair and so much beautiful skin stretched tightly over his lean frame. Tragic and beautiful.
“I wish you’d never lied to me,” I told him.
He nodded like that was what he meant to say. “Yeah.”
But going back to my own blissful ignorance was impossible, and I had to outrun the shame of needing him so desperately that I had to sneak in like a thief in the night, knowing I’d do it again and again and again...
“I’m so sorry, Hiroku,” Seth said again.
I cleared my throat, thankful he couldn’t see my face in the dark.
“Yeah. Me too.”