Chapter Twelve
Gray
In the days ahead, I heard Alicia’s music without it even needing to be played. My ears always seemed to be reaching for it. It was as if my eardrums were always trying to be in a position in which to touch the music. Like I said, she didn’t even need to really be playing for me to hear it. The sound had become an instinctual part of my memory like breathing was to air or sight to a vivid image. My ears needed to hear it and the effects I heavily valued.
I heard her playing even through this evening’s storm, my trailer’s windows a wash of raindrops and restless branches that scurried against it from the oak tree outside. It’d been storming all day, the sound a constant drum in my head, but despite the endless turbulence I still heard the music. I heard Alicia feeling her way into my soul.
She’d played for my kid for countless days, not just the first time I caught her at the piano. After the first instance, I didn’t believe I would hear it again. I mean, I hoped I would but my note to her hadn’t been a requirement of it. I just wanted to thank her for what she’d done and acknowledge her in some way. She’d allowed Laura into her life for a brief time and that meant something to me. It meant something real, something special she didn’t have to do. It was something Jo would have done for my daughter.
It was something she would have done for me. Something she did do.
Moving on to the days that followed that first time, I’d been surprised to hear the music again, but not just that.
She’d played every day, every damn day like she’d been formally asked or even paid, neither of which she received from my end. Despite no presence of monetary value, she continued to play.
Sometimes before Laura and I even arrived.
Most days, the notes would already be sounding in, a soft pull as if from the sweetest piper. The house simply hummed with sound, feeling, and since it’s occurrence, getting Laura up and moving in the morning had ceased. I never even had to nudge her awake anymore, my daughter sitting on her bed and sometimes dressed before I even went to check in on her. She’d always be ready to go after breakfast and actually beat me to the door to leave some days.
She’d always wait patiently, never opening the door herself, but once the knob clicked, she’d be outside and in my truck in the next second. The drive over to Alicia’s was seamless, and once I opened my door, she followed suit, into Alicia’s living room before I knew it. Some days she’d sit on the floor, coloring while Alicia played.
And others…
Those were the sweetest days, the ones I lived and breathed for. She’d sit right at the piano, never asking and Alicia pretending she was never disturbed. Perhaps, because she wasn’t. Her playing always went uninterrupted, her hands moving and playing melodies. About midway through, Laura would place her little head on the piano, listening and feeling the music from the back of the instrument.
I never disturbed them, always going about my business, but even I couldn’t pretend how her playing for Laura made me feel.
I stopped to talk to her more when I passed by her, the smile on my lips hard not to have each time. She was just like another piece of my life, like Jo had been once upon a time.
Jo…
The evidence of her was in the room, as if she was channeling herself through her niece. The walls of my trailer were covered now, in coloring book pages, pages Laura colored but didn’t rip out and give to me until after Alicia made her way into our lives. In all her coloring, Laura hadn’t once given me any pictures she’d completed.
Yet, she was now.
I put my hand on my favorite on the cabinet above the kitchen sink, wild roses brightly colored in the wind. I didn’t know why it was my favorite, but then again, maybe I did.
The evening storm settling in, it shot the walls of my trailer with its heavy downpour. It’d been raining for two days solid and not looking ready to let up. I never found I much minded rain before. It hadn’t bothered me until, well, it had.
My gaze lifting, I turned toward the living room, my kid sitting on the recliner. She’d been doing that for the last two days as well.
I guess not much else to do since I hadn’t been working.
These days Alicia and her project had taken the majority of my attention. I declined my usual work for that, and because I had, nothing could be done on days, which consisted of crappy weather. My men and I were mostly working outside for the present, which made working on rainy days like today more than a challenge. We couldn’t work through storms and because we couldn’t…
Laura had turned the chair completely toward the window, her cheek pressed to the back of the chair. She looked so much like she did when Alicia played for her and I turned from the image, knowing exactly what she wanted. My kid had grown used to Alicia’s playing, hearing it all the time now.
Hell, I’d gotten used to it too.
Dampening my lips, I reached into the cabinet, taking out a couple cans of tuna and some canned peas. I’d been in the middle of making dinner, another one of Laura’s favorites, tuna casserole. I figured it’d cheer her up if not a little.
I breathed, turning my head in her direction.
“Hey,” I said, smiling at her, though she wasn’t looking at me. “Want to help me with dinner? I could use a hand.”
She normally never did, but then again, I hadn’t asked. I just cooked, not expecting much from her end.
Not surprised, my kid hadn’t budged by the sound of my voice or even my request to ask for help. She simply lay there, gaze through the open window. It was almost like she was willing the storm to stop despite it being too late in the day to work.
I don’t know how many more of these days we can take.
I personally couldn’t take them, wanting the storm to lift myself. I’d been watching the forecast constantly on the television, Kansas’ biggest drought in history apparently being corrected for the next few days. The meteorologist expected flooding, which meant nothing good for my daughter and me, we the casualties.
Letting my hope for a response go, I grabbed the electric can opener, opening the first can of green peas. After draining, I dumped the peas into the glass dish I had waiting, tossing the can into the trashcan. I went to start opening the can of tuna before I thought of something.
It’s worth a shot.
“Laura?” I questioned behind me, loud so I knew she’d hear. I put the can under the opener.
“I bet Alicia might like some dinner,” I said. “Do you think we should take some casserole to her?”
I waited with bated breath. I waited for something to happen, what, I didn’t know, but I needed something.
I needed anything.
Nothing sounded behind me and I started the can opener, opening the tuna. I drained it before putting the tuna into the glass dish, reaching to toss the can in the trash beside me.
But when I turned around I wasn’t alone.
Laura was making her way to me, my gaze following as she travelled across the room. She stood beside me, watching me while I tossed the can into the trash.
My heart moved.
“Want to help?” I asked her, my throat jumping a little. “Like I said, I bet she’d like it if we took some to her.”
I held the next can of tuna to be opened out to her on will and was finally able to breathe when she took it from me. She held it while I got the opener ready, the two of us opening it together.
I made sure her fingers cleared before I pulled the handle and she held the can, guiding it through with my other hand above hers. I lifted the lever and she didn’t even wait on what we had to do next. She traveled to the sink, draining the tuna. She’d seen me do this a million times.
Swallowing, I told her good before asking if she could get the pasta I had already drained in the sink. After giving it a little shake like I asked her, she brought it over, the pair of us tipping the noodles into the dish.
She assisted me with every request and sometimes did steps before I even asked them, but I think it really hit me that this was really happening, when she lifted her chin after sliding the baking dish into the oven on her own. She had something in her eyes, something she sought from me—approval. She wanted approval from me…
Her dad.
Alicia
“I guess we figured you’d need dinner. You know, with the storm and probably not being able to get to the store and everything. You don’t have a car and all.”
Grayden himself stood at my door.
And he was drenched down to his kneecaps.
The top of his shoulders completely saturated, he blinked hard through his eyelashes, rain drops coating them as well as the thickness of his hair and dark beard. Upon seeing him, I hadn’t been surprised he was covered head to toe.
He’d used his plaid shirt to cover Laura.
She currently stood before me completely dry as a bone, a casserole dish in her hands, which wafted the mouthwatering aroma of fish and carbs, two of my favorite things to eat.
Standing there awkwardly, shifting on his boots, Gray waited for me to—I assumed—say something, but I was currently taking a mental picture. I may not ever see such an amusing sight again and I was committing in all to memory.
Fingers up to my lips, I fought my amusement. They might take it the wrong way and who was I to do such a thing when someone brought me dinner with his kid. It’d been an entirely sweet gesture and I waved them in, standing back. Laura had the dish on an oven mitt, but Gray still took it from her when they got into the hallway.
He put it down on the hall’s end table, helping Laura out of her raincoat before getting himself together. I figured he protected her because she had the food and no umbrella.
“We’re not bothering you or anything are we?” he asked, always concerned to be bothering me so I hadn’t been surprised by the question. After shaking Laura’s jacket outside a little, he went to hang it on my aunt’s coat rack.
I took it before he could, doing it myself while he got his plaid button-up shaken out. The thing was basically ruined at this point, so I took that too.
“Of course not,” I said, going down the hall and opening the linen closet. Knowing my aunt’s towels were in there, I pulled one out, tossing one to him.
He caught it.
“You know,” I went on. “Because my door’s always being busted down with callers wanting to bring me food with the company of themselves and their children.”
His lips parted, worry creasing his brow and I figured he didn’t get the joke.
Rolling my eyes, I told him it was fine again before taking his shirt. I planned to run it upstairs and hang it on the shower curtain rod.
“We’ll just put this in the kitchen then,” he said once I hit the stairs. I noticed him wave on Laura, the little one scurrying on behind him with his long strides and I shook my head.
That one is different, I thought, remembering Ava’s words, smiling when I got to the bathroom. I shook out his shirt.
A smell of musk and extreme male breezed into the room and caught me off guard a little. I was used to the scent of Gray and his environment. I mean, the aroma wasn’t necessarily bad but it did smell of work and sweat in general.
This smell was different, though, almost sweet with the scent and I smiled again, hanging up the shirt. I made my way downstairs and found nothing but a little miracle.
Saying I was so used to people being around was an understatement with Grayden and his workers, but I still never quite felt surrounded. It could be really lonely in my aunt’s house. Especially after everyone left.
But no loneliness could be found now, as a little girl and her dad set the table.
A beautiful array, they had everything stationed from the butter dishes to the salt and pepper shakers, a place setting for three. They’d been putting the water glasses down when I came into the room, neither one of them noticing at first.
I watched them, lounging against the door. He handed her glasses, obviously knowing his way around the kitchen, and Laura placed them, obviously knowing her way around the task. The two had definitely done this before and that was a given.
Opening the fridge, Gray got the water pitcher and set it down on the middle of the table, his lashes going up and catching me.
Caught, I lifted my head, coming into the kitchen. I went to grab my chair, but someone got there first.
It’d been Grayden. He pulled it out, one hand on the back of the chair.
I told him, “Thank you.” His slight nod was the only acknowledgment that he’d heard me. He even helped me push in, but his task apparently wasn’t done.
“Little miss,” he said, dipping his head and smiling softly at Laura before pulling her chair out. She didn’t smile, and knowing her mannerisms for a little while, I knew she wouldn’t. But she did have a little red in her cheeks when she accepted the seat given to her by her father. Pushed in, she waited until he had a seat himself to move.
He got her napkin, arranging it for her before doing his.
“This looks great,” I said, a serious aroma going on in my aunt’s kitchen. I bounced my shoulders. “And I definitely hadn’t been able to get to the store so thank you.”
Not to mention my meals lately consisted of usually frozen entrees and energy smoothies. I’d never been much of a cook back in Chicago and surely wasn’t now.
A smile tugging at his lips, Gray grabbed the casserole dish.
“You actually have Laura to thank,” he said, serving her first. “She made most of this.”
Shocked, I jumped my brow in her direction. She wouldn’t look at me, but that pink on her cheeks flashed bright crimson. Upon facing Gray, my look was more than curious. I obviously didn’t know them in their day to day, but Laura really didn’t seem like one to “help” in the kitchen. And if she had…
The pair definitely seemed… different tonight, the tone in the air different. I’d been around them for some time now and Grayden, when he wasn’t running from me, put his focus either completely in his work or acting as a visual shield for his daughter. He surrounded her with this almost protective energy all the time. He was never casual, never at ease.
But he seemed so now, and then there was Laura, the little girl with the brown eyes who could never find me. She always looked down, away even when I played the piano.
I watched her, chin on my palm. She’d definitely opened up a lot in the passing days, letting me play for her and being around her now. She actually looked at Grayden when he said something to her, his comment surrounding how good her food was. He smiled at her, making her bashful again and maybe this was their routine. Like I said, I didn’t know them too well.
Shaking my head out of my thoughts, I tried the food. It was very good indeed.
Dinner had been filled with a silence but it hadn’t been a bad one. Peaceful, it almost felt like harmony, and like I said, it was nice not to be alone. I ate more food than I probably should have and, eventually, the baking dish was nearly clear.
“I’ll take care of the dishes,” Gray said, pushing himself from the table. He grabbed everyone’s taking them to the sink, and almost instantly, Laura got up. She left the room, going into the living room and I spotted her right away as the kitchen and living room were connected.
Sitting at the piano bench, she placed her hands in her lap and I smiled at her.
“She wanted to come,” came behind me and I turned, Gray.
Tossing a glance over his shoulder, he almost seemed dismissive, but the soft crease of his eyes told different as he washed dishes.
“She didn’t say it obviously,” he said, looking at me again. His expression warmed. “But she said it. She wanted to come. She wanted to see you.”
She wanted to see me.
I didn’t know exactly if he was right. After all, he did say she didn’t actually say anything, but she was at the piano bench now and I was happy to play for her. I always would.
Tonight seemed different from the days I usually played, more pressure, different like so many things tonight, especially when Grayden came out into the living room.
His dish washing ceased, he sat on my aunt’s couch. He didn’t watch me, gaze distinctively placed outside the window but that didn’t mean I wasn’t aware of his presence. His focus soft, his stare ahead into the storm outside with his arm at the back of the sofa. He listened to me, listened as his daughter sat currently beside me.
Eyes closed, I knew this particular piece by heart. I figured it’d be perfect tonight, warm with the storm.
The room silent but for my keys, I played, the little body beside me I knew to be dutifully watching. That’s what she did. She just watched, never played but I noticed something else different tonight too.
She sat up today, staring at my hands with her own in her lap. I had her full attention I assumed most days I played, but today? Well, I knew I had it if that made sense.
It made the pressure to play that much harder, but the attention around me kept me focused.
I played one song, then two, easily going into five before my hands felt the burn a little. I just didn’t want to stop playing. I hadn’t enjoyed it this much since I’d been a teen.
Literally feeling the music, I let go of the last note of the fifth piece, opening my eyes.
I found myself alone.
A little body sat with me no more, but that’d been okay.
Turning my head, I spotted Gray and he faced me, I assumed, because of the lack of sound. Under his arm was my previous companion, Laura with her eyes closed tight. She must have fallen asleep sometime during my playing and I actually considered that a compliment.
I’d been able to put her at peace.
I wondered about that sometimes when I snuck glances over to her while I played at the piano, if she truly was at peace or had the world on her shoulders like her father seemingly did. I knew nothing about the pair at all, but the stress around them when I was in the same room with them did seem evident.
This seemed non-existent now, a sleeping child under her dad’s arm.
He looked down at her.
“I’m sorry,” he said, squeezing her shoulder before looking up at me. “She looked like she was falling asleep so I grabbed her and brought her over here.”
He had nothing to apologize for. Like I said, I took what she’d done as nothing but a compliment.
Moving, Grayden sat up a little. “Do you mind if she uses the guest room to nap for a little while or…”
Waving, I of course told him no problem, and adjusting, he got her arms around his neck before picking her up. Somewhere in her sleepy state, she must have known what was happening because her arms gripped around his neck when he put his hands under her legs, getting up from the couch. Nodding at me, he backed away, heading in the direction of the staircase, and I turned, placing my hands back on the piano.
I touched single keys, watching the raindrops outside above the piano. I’d never been one to be a composer, but there was as much music going on outside as in.
I played what I felt, stopping to listen for a little while. It was silent for a long time.
Until it wasn’t.
Music blended into the room when I swiveled around on my chair, the sounds of a rich and sultry sax melody playing around the room. It was intense, vibrant and suddenly the most hypnotic voice sang.
I knew it was Billie Holiday immediately and I closed my eyes, losing myself in her sound. I had no idea where the music came from until Gray closed the glass housing of the record player, a record sleeve in his hand when I opened my eyes.
He took it, placing it on top of the record player’s cabinet.
He put his hands together.
“I figured best to give your hands a rest. She’s asleep upstairs now, can’t hear you.”
But did he want to hear me? I shifted toward the piano.
“I’m willing to take requests if you want to hear something too,” I said, smiling at him. “I love playing and don’t mind.”
I found myself inspired tonight, playing pieces not just from my aunt’s library but memory as well. I was happy to play for him if he’d let me. He seemed to enjoy it before, but perhaps, something changed.
He came into the light, shadows from the turbulent storm outside basking his robust frame. He looked like a man of the mountain, his plaid shirt dry and covering his biceps. He must have gotten it from upstairs.
“Alicia,” he said, pushing his fingertips into the center of his palm. “Would you do me the honor of taking a well-deserved break?”
His hand went out then. I assumed for mine, and I accepted his invitation, letting him guide me to my feet. He had rough and weathered hands, that undoubtedly had seen things, touched things.
As soon as they were in mine, they left, the pair of us reconvening on the couch. He easily took up two cushions to my one.
“You play wonderfully,” he said, eyes on me. “And I hope you don’t mind me saying so.”
A compliment just couldn’t be a compliment with him.
A smile tugging at my lips, I placed an arm on the back of the sofa, resting my fingers against my forehead.
“Thank you,” I told him. “I hope current unavailable parties enjoyed it.”
“Feeling comfortable speaking on her behalf, I can tell you she did,” he said, nodding. “And speaking on my behalf I can say I did as well.”
Focused on me, no joke lingered in Grayden’s voice. Not that he’d joke about something like that, joke about anything.
I placed my hands in my lap, not really knowing what to do with all that. A flash of lightning hit and somehow Ms. Billie combated it, her song like a roar cry for peace. Slowly the waves outside settled, the wind and rain soft against the windows surrounding the couch. The quiet allowed us to really hear the music, relax into it, if you will.
Pushing my hands along my arms, I rolled my shoulder into the couch, staring off ahead and into the empty room. I probably would have done that for hours and might have if not for Gray beside me. Something summoned me to look at him.
His eyes on me, I felt him all over and the instance itself had become something I’d come to recognize every time he looked at me. His attention on me had become more frequent in the passing days. In fact, pretty much every day since I started playing for Laura. The glance even accompanied a smile most days but not this moment, something in his eyes made me sit up.
“I suppose I wanted to apologize,” he started with, his voice as serious as his blue eyes. His fingers coming down the scruff of his face, he turned toward me. “For what I said the day you started playing for Laura, or rather the tone in which I said it. It’d been inappropriate and you didn’t deserve that.”
He was referring to the confrontation we had about Laura’s mom, and though I hadn’t forgotten it, I had let it go. I felt I needed to, the line of questioning none of my business.
His lips moved. “Laura’s mom has always been a sensitive topic. I guess that’s why I snapped at you.”
And regarding the details involved I didn’t blame him, my hand coming down my arm.
“I shouldn’t have asked,” I admitted, my inquisitive nature only to blame. He was just always so secretive and Laura, well, she was different not much unlike Ava said about Gray. The whole town knew it but it was me who interacted with the pair on a day-to-day basis.
“You’re only human,” left Gray’s lips as he turned, but he faced me when I moved closer.
“I still shouldn’t have asked,” I said studying every line and every etch of worry in his skin so tanned from his days outside. They’d been days he worked for me, labored and pained so I could have something to give back to this town and my aunt who, though I hadn’t known well, I wanted to please.
He came here every day, worked and never once slacked in the vigor and care he put into each revision he placed upon this home. If anything, the changes brought him life, a work ethic I’d only seen in myself and the care I put into my own hard work at the office.
He came here with passion.
He came here with heart.
His dark lashes drew downward, his eyes on the cushions between us.
“Things got so bad after,” he said and it took me a second for me to realize he was referring to our previous conversation. It’d been a conversation that shouldn’t have been started in the first place and one that wouldn’t be pushed from my end again.
That didn’t mean I wouldn’t let him speak about it on his own free will, which he seemed to actually want to do now, his eyes closing almost as if…
Pained.
“She changed and I lost her—”
I stopped him with my fingers on the hem of his button-down, something I didn’t mean to do but couldn’t help. He sounded so awful and I just didn’t want him to hurt anymore.
His fingers wrapped around mine and he guided them up to my chin. I didn’t expect to feel something with the action. I didn’t expect to feel anything, least of all something I hadn’t felt in so long.
Even with Bastian.
My lips parted, Gray’s too as he looked at me, his thumb brushing along my bottom lip.
“I’m bad at this,” he said, hand pushing behind my neck. “I don’t do this.”
I didn’t understand “don’t do,” but bad, I welcomed. I had good before. I had games and I was sick of it. I’d experienced more than my fair share of expertise. Maybe it needed to be simple this time.
Maybe it needed to be Grayden.
I sat incredibly still, as he made his move. Like a teenager waiting for her first kiss and the hum of his lip didn’t disappoint.
Soft, he pinched mine between his, caging the back of my head in his large palm. If he really said he didn’t do this he was lying. He’d done this, was amazing at this.
He forced me into a protective conclave, the wide spread of his body approaching me. Still holding my hand, he placed them between my heart and his. Mine might have been racing, but his was living.
The muscle pounded with a pure and unrelenting heat, his mouth doing a dance with every suck and taste. His hand releasing mine and moving down to my hip, he brought me closer and might have gotten to do more… if not for the creak on the stairs.
Our lips parted as if instructed, my fingers going to my warm lips and Gray faced away from me. He looked up and sure enough a little person was on the stairwell, sleep still in her eyes from what I could see. She rubbed them and more creaks took her down the rest of the stairs.
While we waited for Laura to arrive, Gray and I just sat there, the warmth in the air just as heavy as when he’d been kissing me. I didn’t want to leave us and I guess Gray didn’t want to leave either.
A little turn of his head and his lips were on my cheek, his eyes closing slightly and the short hairs of his beard brushing my skin. So quick, I might not have even believed he’d done that, but the tingle of his whiskered flesh embedded itself deep. I took my hand to it as he got up and went to Laura before she could really cross into the living room.
He bent down, his hand on her shoulder. He spoke light so I didn’t hear him, but I assumed it was time to go when he stood, putting her coat on her, then picking her up by the waist.
Her arms around his neck, he faced me, some unsaid thing going on between us. I didn’t think it needed to be said, still feeling it on my lips and cheek.
His eyes warm on me, he nodded, backing away and I followed the two to the door, catching a set of angelic, sleepy eyes on me along the way. Getting into the hall, I waved at her, smiling as her dad opened the door and walked out with her. She didn’t do anything back, normal for her.
But then…
Her hand left her dad’s shoulder, so light I doubt Gray even felt it. He didn’t turn or anything like that, but I felt it, I felt the acknowledgement of that hand wave.
I felt Laura acknowledge me.