As I look around the cafeteria hall a pang of sadness hits me. The room hasn’t changed much. The familiarities are nice, but it also reminds me of how different I am now. I’ve volunteered here since I was fifteen. I’ll miss this place, but I’m sure I’ll visit from time to time. It’s a second home to me.

“You’re really going to leave all this behind?” Paul wraps his arm around me, pulling me into him. I rest my head against his shoulder. Paul has been a rock for me over the past few years. Like a grandpa that I never had. Someone for me to lean on when I needed it or to give me advice when my grandmother couldn't. I look up into his warm, dark eyes and I can see the worry lines on his face for me. He doesn’t want me to go. I’m not one hundred percent sure I should go either, but I think it’s the right thing for me. At least for now.

“It’s time,” I tell him on a deep sigh. “My car is already packed up and I checked out of my hotel room.” I made sure before I came here there was no way I could change my mind, because if anyone could get me to do it, it’s Paul. I know he doesn't want me to go. I don’t think he really thought I was going to do it, but I had to. I was starting to feel like I couldn’t breathe here anymore. The walls were closing in on me and I had to escape before I crumbled. I needed a change. Something to put a little light back into my life. Or at least that’s what I’m hoping I’ll find when I leave.

“I still can’t believe you chose to stay in a hotel room over coming and staying with me and Margie.” He shakes his head. I only stayed there for a few weeks. It really wasn't a big deal and I didn't want to be a burden on Paul and his wife. The hotel wasn't terrible. After I graduated I had to leave the dorms and I didn't want to get myself into a lease. The idea of leaving had already been floating around in my head.

I shrug. I don’t want to get into that fight with him again. Besides, it doesn't matter. I’m leaving now.

“You don’t even know where you’re going,” Paul adds when he realizes I’m not playing into his bait about coming and staying with him and his wife.

“No, but I’ll figure it out. I always do.” His eyes drop back down to mine. “It’s too hard. I can’t stay. I have to get away for a while. I need to breathe and not be smothered by memories,” I admit to him. The memories are suffocating. Even the good ones. All of them pulled me down into a place I didn't want to be and made my loneliness bone deep.

I push the thoughts away like I’m trying to do with everything else. Maybe it won’t work, but I have to try something. Spending Christmas alone isn't helping. Waking up in a hotel room on Christmas was heartbreaking. So when I woke up I knew after my shift at the shelter I was gone. I’m going to outrun this holiday. When the New Year comes around I’ll be in a new city. I’m starting a new life that won’t hurt so damn much.

This shelter is a second home to me. I love the people here and I love helping others. It’s why I got a degree in social services. But this place holds too many memories. This whole city does. It reminds me of all the things I’ve lost. First my dad, then Vance, and now my grandma. She was the only thing that was still holding me here.

She passed two weeks ago, the day before I graduated college. Not that she could have come and watched me walk across the stage anyway. She’d been in a nursing home, and toward the end she didn't even know who I was most days. Always asking for her husband and my dad. At first I’d tell her the truth, but when I told her they’d already passed, she’d get sad and cry. Then I learned to lie. Telling her little things like they were out fishing or ran to the store.

Even with the loss of my grandma and dad who raised me, the loss of Vance hurt the most. It cut me to my soul and when I look around this shelter I see him everywhere. Even after his death he’s so ingrained in every part of my life that there’s no forgetting him or letting time heal my wounds.

I’ll never forget the day we met. I was fifteen and had just started volunteering at the shelter. I’d heard about him, but he was nothing like I thought he’d be. I was sure he’d show up in some fancy suit and just give out checks. I assumed this was a tax write-off for him. They said he funded the whole place, and I was shocked when I watched him take off his suit jacket and roll up his sleeves. He worked just as hard as everyone else and I felt guilty that I had him pegged all wrong.

He was the most handsome man I’d ever seen. He stood well over six feet tall with jet-black hair and dark eyes. If it wasn't for his easy smile he would have been intimidating. Even more so with his size. He was broad and big. He was unlike any man I’d ever met and for the first time in my life, I found myself wanting to know what someone looked like under their clothes. Every time that thought would enter my mind and he was close, I would blush like crazy. I don’t know why, but I imagined he could hear my inner thoughts or something.

He came to the shelter almost every night, and somehow my young heart had fallen in love with him. I knew nothing would ever come of it because I was way too young, but something about him called to me.

We never spoke much until the day I lost my dad. Vance was actually the one to give me the news. I was working in the back stockroom when he walked in. He told me my dad had had a massive heart attack and he died instantly. He held me while I cried. I don’t know how he found out first, or why he was the one to tell me, and I don’t know how long I lay in his lap sobbing. But Vance just held me, then picked me up and took me home. He kissed my cheek and wiped my tears away. Looking back I know it wasn’t anything romantic, nothing but a friend offering comfort when I needed it most.

Then, to my surprise, Vance paid for his funeral. At the time, I was only sixteen, but my crush for him only grew after that. He still only spoke a few words to me, only ever asking how I was doing and if I needed anything. But his eyes were on me whenever we were in the same room.

I felt like he was waiting for something. The way his eyes followed me made me think he wanted me. On my eighteenth birthday the shelter staff threw a little party for me. I hadn't wanted to go because I had to put my grandma into a nursing home a few weeks earlier. I didn't feel much like celebrating, but a small part of me wondered if this was it. Maybe he’d been waiting this whole time for me to turn eighteen.

He didn’t show that night. My eyes kept going to the door, but as the minutes ticked by the sadder I became and the lonelier I felt. When everyone left I went into the back and sat on the floor in the office to get myself together. I knew I was going home to an empty house and I didn’t want to face it.

The tears started to flow and just like the time before, Vance walked in and pulled me onto his lap. Only this time when I looked up at him, he didn’t kiss me on the cheek. He brushed away my tears and pressed his lips to mine. It was soft and sweet, and in that moment everything melted away. The weight of life lifted and I felt like I’d come home. That it was all going to be okay.

If only I’d known that was going to be our only night together. I wouldn't have let him go. I would have made him stay with me instead of dropping me off at my house.

The final words he said to me still play on repeat in my head.

I’m going to take care of everything, my sweet girl. Tonight is only the beginning of us. You belong to me.

He was wrong. That night was all we ever had. It was the beginning and the end for us. But even in death he didn’t lie; he’d taken care of everything. My grandma was moved to one of the best nursing homes in the city. Then I found out he’d left a trust fund for me to go to college. It covered everything I needed. From room and board, to food and books. I even got some extra spending money each month.

I couldn’t believe he did all of it, so I made sure I put it all to good use. I worked as hard as I could to get the best grades I could, and even graduated a little early. Not having to have a full-time job let me enjoy more time with my grandma. I was able to savor the time I had left with the woman who had a big hand in raising me. She wasn't just my grandma, she was more like a mother to me than anything. She and my father were all the family I had.

I feel a tear slip free as I look around the room at people eat their Christmas dinner while trying to stay out of the cold.

“Are you going to say goodbye?” Paul asks me.

“I can’t. I’ve said too many goodbyes in my life already.” Maybe it’s selfish that I’m just going to slip out, but saying goodbye to everyone here will hurt more than I can bear. I still have to go to the graveyard and say my goodbyes to my grandma and dad.

Paul leans down and kisses the top of my head.

“Why not wait until tomorrow? The snow is really coming down out there.” I glance over at one of the giant windows where the Christmas lights are twinkling and see the snow starting to pick up.

“I’ll be careful. I promise.” I try to reassure Paul. He reluctantly lets me go and reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wallet to give me money.

“Paul, I’m fine, really. People here need that more than I do.” I push the money back at him. I don’t have a ton of money, but I still have some left over from Grandma’s estate that I never had to spend because of Vance.

It’s been years since I lost him, and it still hurts. I can’t find the will to move on. It might have been quick, and it may be my own memory clouding my heart, but it felt like my soul connected to his. That’s why I’m forcing myself to leave. Maybe a change will help me take the next step in my life. Whatever that step might be.

He pulls me back in for one more hug before letting me go. “You can call anytime. We’ll be here.”

I smile at him before I turn and walk out into the snow. It’s coming down a lot heavier than it was forecast. I hop into my little car and the cold air cuts through my skin. I pull my coat even tighter around me.

I crank my car up and pray for the heat to kick on. When it finally does, I take one last look at the shelter. I close my eyes and for a moment I think about my first kiss there, with Vance. I remember it one final time before I make myself pull away from the curb.

I hate going to the graveyard. It always makes me feel so lonely. It’s worse now that Grandma is gone. I really have no one anymore. As I get close to the cemetery my tears start to flow for everything I’ve lost and am leaving behind. My tears turn to sobs as I think of Vance. I try to slow down, but my tears are coming too fast and I can’t breathe.

The snow is coming down too hard and I think I see something in the road, so I hit the brakes. But the road is slick, so my car starts to slide. I try to steer, but I have no control. Panic rushes through me and I know I’m headed for the ditch. I’m not on a busy road, and the snow will cover my car quick. I scream as I go off the road and a loud metal crunch fills my ears before everything goes dark.