“I cook with my grandma!” the little girl informed me as we stood in Liam’s kitchen.

I had raided his kitchen and found the ingredients for chicken tacos for them and a cheese quesadilla for myself. I wanted to keep Serenati occupied with something fun. Most of the time I had spent around kids was appointments with the children I did surgery on, and the occasional moment I had with Olivia’s children.

“That’s great. You’ll be a good help to me then,” I noted as she beamed up at me.

If I hadn’t lost my baby, I’d have a child with Liam about the same age. I’d be doing these things with our child. It did hurt just a bit, but at the same time, I found some enjoyment in it. Liam obviously trusted me with her and that felt great.

“Do you like tacos?” I asked the little girl who minutes ago was shivering in fear to now bouncing with excitement.

“Yes, I love them. Dad makes them a lot. Dad is no good at cooking. We eat with Grandma and Grandpa a lot. Grandma makes the best cake ever. Are we going to make cake? I love making cake with Grandma.” She spoke a mile a minute as she oozed with joy and anticipation.

“Wow,” I answered, unable to keep up with her rambling.

I started getting everything ready and told Serenati to go wash her hands. It gave me a minute to breathe.

Standing in Liam’s kitchen, I thought to myself about what it felt like to be home cooking with a small child. Was I meant to be a wife and mother? Most days I came home late and would order takeout. Could I change the pace of my life to be the doting wife who waited on her husband and welcomed him home with a fresh meal.

“I’m back!” Serenati cheered as she bounded into the kitchen at full speed, sliding in her socks over the tiled floor.

“Okay, can you tear this lettuce for me? I’ll show you.” Taking a piece of lettuce in my hands I ripped it to show the little girl exactly how to do it. “Rip it into little pieces.”

“Yuck, I hate lettuce.” She made a face at me and frowned.

“It’s good. You should try it. Trust me, I’m a doctor,” I boasted to the little girl whose eyes went wide.

“Really? You’re a doctor?”

“I am. I do surgeries for people who really need them. I know eating your vegetables, like salad, make you strong and healthy,” I tell her, trying to convince her of my stance.

“I’ll eat the lettuce,” she proclaimed. “I want to be strong and healthy. I also want to be pretty like you!”

“You are pretty. You are a very pretty girl.” As I spoke she grinned with pride.

“You look like the pretty lady on the picture daddy keeps hidden in his drawer. Let me get it!” She bounced away before I could stop her. It only took her a moment before she raced back in the room with a photo in her hand. “See!”

She held up a picture I knew right away. It was me on prom night. Liam and I had gone to the Sundial Bridge with Olivia and her date. He’d taken a picture of me. I honestly couldn’t believe he’d kept it.

“Hey, I’m back!” Liam’s voice interrupted my thoughts. My head shot up to find him strolling through the living room and toward the kitchen. I saw the disappointed look on his face, but I knew it was a subject best saved for later, when Serenati was asleep. He sat the thing in his hand down and came into the kitchen. “What do we have here?”

Liam look the photo from my hands. I saw the grin on his face and he like me remembered that night. He didn’t say a word but pulled me into his arms and planted a kiss on my temple.

“Thank you for staying here with her. It means so much to me,” he whispered in my ear before kissing me again. “What’s for dinner?”

“For you and Serenati, tacos. For me, cheese quesadilla with salad,” I told him as I wiggled from his arms to continue making our dinner.

“And I’m going to eat lettuce too, Daddy!” Serenati declared.

“She’s been the biggest helper,” I told him as I moved toward the counter where Serenati was back at her job. “Everything good with you?” I asked Liam as I turned to face him again.

“Perfect. My two favorite girls are making dinner for me. I’m a damn lucky guy.” He gave me a huge grin.

Every moment longer I spent with him, the harder I was making it to leave and get back to my life.

The continuous loop of music woke me. My eyes searched the unfamiliar room and I remembered I was in Liam’s living room. I stretched to realize there was a small person snuggled up to me. Serenati was fast asleep on my side. The three of us watched a Disney movie after dinner and must have fallen asleep.

Well, not all of us. Liam was missing.

Maneuvering so as not to wake Serenati, I managed to get off the couch. With the throw blanket that was over the arm of the couch, I tucked in the sleeping little girl before finding the remote and turning the TV off.

I padded quietly to the bedroom where I expected to find Liam, but I found his bed exactly how we’d left it in the morning. His apartment wasn’t that big, and I was already running out of places to look when I heard the faint sound of a drill. I knew right away it was Liam in the garage.

Slipping on my shoes, I left a sleeping Serenati behind and jogged downstairs and into the side door of the garage where I saw Liam under his car.

“Hey,” I whispered through the faint light.

Liam kicked at the ground and rolled from under the car. He sat up and gave me a defeated look. He’d come down to distract himself. He stood, and I stepped to him. Without words, his arms enveloped me.

“I’m sorry I’ve been somewhere else in my mind all night. If you’d just seen Kayleigh’s place. She hadn’t even realized Renni was gone. She lacked in everything a parent should be. I’m so fucking ashamed of myself too.”

“Why?” I asked. “What makes you ashamed?”

“I fucked up. I’m ashamed in the choices I made that got me to having a child with such a piece of shit human. Then, I’m ashamed of maybe not fighting as hard as I could have for Renni’s best interests. I feel like I failed her,” he explained as he leaned onto the hood of the car and put his face into his hands. “I failed my daughter.”

“You didn’t. I promise you. She is the brightest and most resilient little girl I’ve ever met because of you. You allowed her to have a higher potential and now you’re making moves to keep that potential going. You aren’t a failure and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Look at my dad. He made similar mistakes with marrying my mom, but he made sure I had all the tools I needed to be the best I could be. Serenati has a great future ahead of her with a dad like you.” I stepped to him and pressed my forehead to his before planting a chaste kiss on his lips, the stubble of his chin scratching my face.

“Mmm,” he hummed. “You always have the right words to say. That’s what I’ve missed most about you.”

“Liam,” I started nervously. I wasn’t quite sure where to start. He and I both knew I’d eventually have to leave. Our glimpse of a fairytale life would be left only a memory. The lives we wanted to live were wrapped in completely different packages. I’d move on and he would remain. “You know we can’t keep this go–”

“Shh, not now. We can’t talk about that right now. Right now, I just want to be. I just want to be with you.” Liam crushed his lips to mine and kissed me hard. I leaned in allowing his arms to envelope me and his kiss to take me away.

In a split second, he turned me so I was against the hood of the car. He was asserting his control over the situation. He knew me and my strong will and he knew my own needs for control.

Pulling away, Liam’s hands cupped my face and he gazed into my eyes.

“Don’t fight me, Beth. Don’t push away and don’t leave without a goodbye. I’m trying here to fight for what we used to have. Can we have it?” Liam’s eyes pierced mine. I swallowed hard as I tried to look away, but he wouldn’t allow me. “Tell me, can we have it?”

“I’m not sure,” I whispered. “But right this moment, I want it.”

My fingers grabbed at his belt and began to twiddle with the buckle. I fought with his belt until his pants loosened and he kicked them down his legs. With his lips on my neck, Liam unzipped the back of my romper, the tips of his fingers trailing after the zipper until he reached the elastic of my panties.

“Off,” Liam gruffly whispered as he yanked my top down exposing my braless chest. He pulled off my panties and the rest of my romper quickly before his face aligned with mine again. “I have so many things I could tell you but only one is important right now.”

“And what’s that?” I asked intrigued as he hiked my behind onto the car hood and spread my legs.

Liam leaned into me and his lips barely brushed mine as he gently proposed in a low voice, “I love you.”

I inhaled and opened my mouth to no words coming out. I knew how I felt about him but saying it out loud wasn’t in the cards. Saying it aloud would force me to make a choice between the life I’d built, or him. I knew my choice and I’m sure Liam knew it too, but for now we would keep on pretending.

Liam gripped my thighs and thrust into me. My head slunk back and my breathing became erratic in only moments. My fingers searched for something to hold onto but being on the hood of the car, there was nothing except Liam. I gripped onto his short sleeves as he pounded into me.

Liam’s hardworking rough hands held me steady for him. Lifting my head, I found his eyes piercing me. There was such an intensity in them that it threatened to force me to spill over. I couldn’t, not just yet. I needed every one of these moments because they would eventually be gone.

With a sharp inhale, I held my breath to force myself from crying out into the dimly lit shop. Liam’s daughter was only in the apartment above and I didn’t want to risk waking her but keeping my cries of ecstasy at bay were becoming a challenge.

“Let it go, Baby,” Liam’s husky voice demanded of mine. I shook my head in defiance, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t scream out in the exact way my body needed when I let it all go. “I said, let it go. It’s okay. Scream for me.”

And with his words, I did. I yelped out into the hollowed space, my voice echoing around me as my body convulsed in orgasm. My screams were followed by Liam’s deep grumbles and he spilled into me. I shook in a deep aftershock and squeaked his name before his lips pressed to mine.

“Let’s go upstairs, take a shower, and sleep,” Liam hissed against my pouted and swollen mouth. I kissed him quickly before nodding in agreeance.

Why did I still love him? Why did being around him make me into a puddle filled with all the feelings he used to give? The old butterflies that were dormant in my stomach were back and no matter how hard I tried to squash them, they kept on flapping away. Leaving him would be hard, but necessary.

***

“Just tell him dammit!” Olivia cursed as we pulled in front of the bar. The back of her SUV was filled with more boxes of clothes I wanted to donate to the shelter.

“No, I’m not going to tell him. I can’t do it because then–”

“Then you’ll want to stay. I get it, but maybe you need a break from L.A. life. You need to find that happiness again and Liam used to be that happiness,” she insisted, and I shook my head.

“He was until he shattered my heart, remember?” I reminded my friend of Liam’s past sins.

Olivia scoffed and rolled her eyes at me. I continued to shake my head, but she knew me too well and she know how hard I was fighting off these invading feelings for Liam.

“He apologized, and it seems you’ve accepted it. You’re sleeping together and all. I think it counts for something. Plus, you’ll be closer to me. I hate that my best friend is so fucking far,” she whined.

“Yeah, same.” I sighed as I thought about how lonely my life was in Southern California.

I did have a couple friends, mostly colleagues. There had been my ex and his friends. Honestly, I had the most fun when I got to be with my best friend. We’d done everything together from graduating early, to going to the same college, and moving to Seattle together while I went to grad and medical school.

“Well, let’s get these boxes inside and then we can grab a bite to eat. I’m starving,” I noted as I opened the door and was greeted with the predicted heat of the day. “Honestly, I have to get back to So. Cal. My work down there is piling up and I have so many patients depending on me. My job does make me really happy.”

“You’ll be happy at your job, but lonely at home,” Olivia pointed out.

“But he would never move down there. I know that.” The fight was pointless, and I would have to move on.

There was so much going on that L.A. would be an escape from it all. Liam, the bar, and my mom. Whenever I thought about my run-in with my mom I swear smoke came from my ears. She was a monster.

“There you ladies are!” Minister Garland’s voice called out from the entrance to the shelter. I gave him a wave as Olivia opened the back of the truck. “I honestly can’t tell you how blessed we are for these donations. Your dad is blessing this shelter from heaven.”

I smiled at his sentiment before I grabbed one of the boxes. Olivia and Minister Garland followed suit.

“Thank you so much!” Minister Garland thanked Olivia and me for the millionth time as we headed out the door of the shelter.

“No problem!” I called back before we shut the door behind us. “What are you thinking about for lunch?”

“My heart is set on barbeque, but at this point I’m starving and could eat anything,” Olivia noted as we started toward her truck, but were stopped in our tracks at the tall and handsome guy standing on the sidewalk, Liam.

“Hey there,” he said innocently as if he hadn’t woken up to me in his bed this morning.

“Hey you,” I resounded as I stepped to him.

“You two are impossible, you know that?” Olivia commented in the background, but as always with Liam, when he was near, I was drawn to him and everything else was pointless distractions.

Liam’s mouth pressed to mine as he took me away the same way he did with every kiss from the first. The pull was magnetic, and nothing could tear me away except the loud sounds of a grumbling truck.

I pulled away from Liam at the sounds of the intrusion. It was an old ass pick-up with a group of guys hanging out the windows and sitting in the bed of the truck. Most of them wore bright red trucker hats and were sipping on beers.

I rolled my eyes, but then saw one of them point directly at Olivia. A few in the bed of the truck stood taller and began shouting nasty names.

“Get outta our town, Porch monkey!”

“Yeah, go back to Africa!”

“Fuck you, Nigger!”

My body was shaking with rage at their disgusting words. Liam grabbed me and pulled back before I could yank away from him. He was tuned into me and knew my moves before I could make them.

“Let me go!” I grunted at him before I turned my attention back to the truck of assholes and my best friend who only shook her head. She’d been through it many times before living in Fort Shasta, you’d think we lived in the deep south and not California.

“It’s fine,” Olivia commented as she waved them off like they were nothing.

“It’s not fucking fine!” I growled angrily as their loud truck turned the corner and they were out of our sight.

“Let’s get inside. It’s hot out here,” Liam said calmly as he placed his hand on the small of my back and led me inside the bar. It was cooler, but only as much as the fans could get it.

I turned to face Olivia who looked unbothered. I didn’t understand her calm. I knew I wasn’t raised that way but sadly some people around town were.

“I’ve been through that so many times before and you know it. You don’t see me crying so you just calm down,” she noted calmly as she sat down on one of the barstools.

“I can’t believe that. Honestly, what year do they think it is? It is freaking 2018, not 1968. That is my biggest pet peeve about this fucking town, all the small minds. What makes anyone think that is okay? I can’t understand it no matter how hard I try.” I was honestly bewildered, and it broke my heart.

“It’s fine,” Olivia resolved, and I knew not to push the subject with her any longer, but at the same time I knew she was hurting.

“Just a reminder how much I hate this town and need to finish up and get out of here. I need to be with open minded people again,” I declared, and as soon as the words left my mouth I glanced at Liam who looked away. I’d fucked up by saying that, but it was the honest to God truth and I couldn’t take it back.

“Hey, if you don’t mind, I’m going to roll out. I did want to squeeze in one more visit with my grandma before I headed back to Seattle tomorrow,” Olivia broke the awkward silence that filled the air.

“Yeah, tell her I say hi,” I told her.

“Me too,” Liam piped in.

“You know I will. See you all later.” Olivia waved before she disappeared out the door, leaving Liam and myself alone to face our uncertain future.

I swallowed hard and spotted Liam pouring himself a glass of coke. I didn’t know where to begin. We both knew the conversation would come and it was high time we had it. We had to face the fact that I would never stay in Fort Shasta.

“I know this town has its shitty parts and characters,” Liam began before he took a gulp of his coke, which I’m sure was refreshing, but I wasn’t going to ask him for a drink while he was obviously pissed. “I know it isn’t that ideal spot, but you come in here acting like the town you grew up in is fully infested with the scum of the earth and you are so upper class that you can’t tolerate it.”

By the time he’d finished, he’d rounded the counter, discarded his drink, and was standing directly in my face.

“Why would you want to live in a place where your best friend is treated like shit just standing on the street. Who does that bullshit? Fort Shasta will never change. It’s not a place I could ever imagine spending my life. I’m sorry you don’t agree. I understand this is home for you and I respect that, but it isn’t home for me,” his face was twisted in frustration as he listened to my argument.

My fingers found his chest and the rough denim fabric of his shirt, and my hands pressed into his hard chest. It was high time I let go of him but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. We’d never be able to be together when we could never live in peace. I wasn’t moving back to Fort Shasta and he wouldn’t be leaving. I sighed.

“I should get going, I guess,” I refused to look up and into his eyes. Staying would only allow me to fall into more heartbreak. “Liam, I–”

“Shh, I already know, but don’t say it right now,” Liam begged as he lifted my chin and my eyes met his for the first time.

He was the man who broke my heart into a million pieces, and then when I needed someone the most, he was there every step of the way. We’d both grown and come so far to end up standing together, and once again still completely in love.

I’d made up my mind though. Would the pain ever stop? Never. I was the one causing my heart to break this time, but it had to happen. There was no other choice in sight. My hand pushed at his chest and forced him to take a step back, his eyes glaring me over.

“We need to come to a consensus on this bar. I talked to my money manager and she will work with me on getting Dad’s debt down. Selling his house will take away most of it, but this bar stands between us. I want to let it go and the only way to do that is if you buy me out,” I spell out the situation.

“I’ll do it if it means saving this place,” Liam affirmed, and I nodded. I prepared to turn away when his hand rested on my shoulder. “Don’t just walk away though. Don’t walk away from me. At least not today.”

“Okay,” I replied in a whisper with a small nod as he pulled me against his chest. “Not today.”