Chapter 22
Getting It
They took care of it that night. Within the hour. Oliver drove Rune and Max over to the police station. A few of the other guys who’d been there after the crash and during Rune’s recovery, or who’d seen the guys with the blue truck around town causing other sorts of trouble, came on their bikes to help support Rune’s case and make their own statements.
It was paperwork. It was fielding questions from people who struggled to communicate with him clearly. It was letting Oliver take charge and seeing the deep, crushing relief in his eyes the whole goddamned time. To Rune, just seeing that awful gratitude in Oliver’s face felt like he’d actually been the one to find Rune after the crash when he lay there on asphalt in pieces and now Oliver could finally see the ambulance coming down the road. Like there was hope he’d survive, against all odds.
And that hurt too, but Rune knew he had it coming.
Once the forms were handed over, Oliver pulled him into a hug, pressing a hand to Rune’s chest, his index and pinky fingers and thumb extended. His voice was a tremble against the side of Rune’s neck, his lips kissing there softly.
Rune pointed to himself, closed his fist and moved it in a circle over his heart to say he was sorry. Then he folded his hand in a combination of the letters I-L-Y, just like Oliver. Stepping back, he let Oliver see his hand, shaped the same way, hoping love would be enough.
They didn’t go straight home, even though both of them were exhausted. There was no discussion about it. Oliver just took Rune out of the city, into an expensive suburban neighborhood about twenty minutes away. The homes were surrounded by low stone walls and iron gates. Lush landscaping covered rolling lawns of an unnaturally vibrant chemical-green color. The houses themselves looked like mini castles, with towers and spires and grand entryways.
Rune didn’t have the faintest idea why the hell they were out there… until they pulled slowly into a driveway where two young girls in braids were playing on the lawn with bubble wands. Tiny gossamer bubbles filled the air. The setting sun’s rosy purple light added even more magic to the moment. Somehow, they’d broken out of time and entered a safe, wondrous place with no fear, no need for police or vengeance.
Jackson sat in a white rocking chair on the front porch, a ceramic mug in hand. He raised a hand to them and began to walk over. A moment later, a beautiful woman in a light-as-air floral dress stepped through the doorway, her hair wrapped up in a cranberry-colored scarf on top of her head. Josefina.
Rune glanced over at Oliver in the driver’s seat, saw his sad smile and an echo of longing or pride. Rune felt how they were closed into the stuffy air of the car, sealed inside, while the idyllic scene played out before their eyes, close enough to see, but not to touch. They were apart from it, just enough to know exactly what they were missing out on.
There was no place for Oliver in that scene. Sure, he was a cherished guest. A friend. But nothing here included him or ever would.
No wonder he’d been so lonely.
Rune felt it too, how it was too perfect—a nice story instead of real life. He couldn’t relate either, as much as he did care for Jackson.
This, for Jackson, was his world. It came first, and always would.
Oliver was first to get out of the car. Jackson embraced him in a close hug, clapped him on the back. They whispered into each other’s ears in a way that was just a step or two beyond friendly. Jackson clasped the back of Oliver’s head, kissed him soundly on the forehead, then cupped his cheek before stepping back and letting Josefina come in to give a hug of her own.
Jackson went to the passenger side of the car and opened the door, waved Rune out.
There was lingering fear and pain in Jackson’s expression as he caught and held Rune’s gaze. Taking Rune’s jaw in hand to keep him focused, Jackson mouthed carefully, “He needs you.”
It was a warning, a plea.
Blinking as his eyes began to sting and water, Rune nodded, lowered his gaze.
Jackson drew him close, enfolding him in arms that felt warm, safe, and steady. Jackson kissed the side of Rune’s head and lingered with his lips pressed there.
The two girls wandered over with their wands, curiously watching the newcomers. Rune tried to smile and gave a shy wave.
Oliver was still chatting with Josefina, so Jackson made some introductions, saying, “This is Rune,” while finger-spelling his name. He pointed to the slightly taller girl who gave her father a shy glance before finger-spelling J-A-D-A. The smaller twirled herself in a dizzy circle, giggling before pausing long enough to name herself as K-A-Y-L-A.
Rune gave Jackson a proud smile and a slight nod.
Josefina came up to Rune. Her sad smile was a strange mix of both Oliver’s and Jackson’s. He wondered how much she knew. He saw on her lips: thank God. And she gave him a hug.
Oliver translated for Josefina when she said, “We were so scared we’d lost you. I’m so glad we have you back.”
Rune wasn’t sure what to say, so he just nodded a little in acknowledgment and kept his hands in his pockets.
A few moments later, they got back into the car and left.
Rune typed into his phone and waited for the first red light before pressing play.
“I get it now, with you and Jackson.”
Oliver nodded, kept his eyes on the road. There was a haunted look about him that wasn’t going away, but Rune told himself it was just tiredness.
Soon, they finally were parked in the garage at Oliver’s building. It felt good, like coming home. It wasn’t lost on Rune how important it was to feel like he belonged somewhere, and he did.
Oliver waited in his seat, the engine off, until he had Rune’s gaze.
Adam is here, he signed. He was worried. He helped look for you.
Rune nodded.
I’m going to bed. To sleep. He wants to talk to you before he leaves.
Are you okay? Rune asked, letting his worry show.
Oliver’s gaze slid away. He turned his head, licked his lip.
Rune smacked him.
Oliver barely frowned in reaction, then shrugged and answered, I’m tired. Let’s talk tomorrow.
Rune grabbed Oliver’s arm, held him there after Oliver moved to open the door and get out.
Oliver sighed heavily.
Then, he asked, Are you staying?
Technically, the question could have meant anything, but Oliver’s face said it all, especially how he diligently avoided eye contact, like it hurt too much to look at Rune. Rune had never seen so much pain in him. The whole day came crashing down on Oliver’s shoulders then—how he had been driven by fear for Rune to try to handle the neo-Nazis for him, how he’d given the desperate ultimatum to either report or end things, the way he’d nervously waited at the club for Rune to come back, the patience and need he’d shown as he supervised the reporting process at the station, then the last-ditch cry for help that had been hidden behind the drive to Jackson’s home to show Rune everything Oliver could never have.
There was too much bare honesty and pain in it to disrespect Oliver by instinctively reassuring him that of course Rune was staying. Instead, Rune took time to actually think about his answer first. Oliver deserved at least that much.
The moment drew out, an echo of that moment hours earlier, outside the police station. He remembered the feeling of Oliver’s hand signing I love you pressed against his chest. He again heard the last thunderous crash he ever would and felt pavement scraping his skin away while pathetic men laughed.
Rune put his face in his hands and groaned with force, hearing only silence. His fingers scraped over his head, grabbed tightly at his hair as he stayed like that, folded in half.
Then he sat up, looked Oliver dead in the eye.
He raised his right fist, then bent it at the wrist slightly up and down as if his hand was nodding.
Oliver smiled a little and nodded toward the elevator, looking ready to fall asleep right there.
Rune reached out to hold Oliver’s hand in the elevator. He kept it in his grasp on the way to the door, and as they walked inside.
Adam stood waiting right inside the entryway, hands on his hips, wide-eyed and tense.
He and Oliver spoke a few words to each other. Oliver let go of Rune to go and kiss Adam on the lips, then headed to the bedroom without a backward glance. Rune lingered just inside the apartment’s entrance, hands in his pockets again.
Adam turned and walked, waving Rune over to the couch on the far end of the large room, by the windows. The stars had begun to come out, the sky clear with a small sliver of a crescent moon, showcasing the tiny pin-pricks of light.
Rune took a seat on the couch. Adam sat on the ottoman directly in front of him, so close their knees touched. Adam took a deep breath, his eyes focusing on something not in the room for just a moment. He pulled himself to sit up straighter. Then, his hands began to move.
It’s okay to be angry, but don’t let it destroy your life. Don’t let the anger win. People will always get hurt. You can’t fix the world. You can only control yourself.
Confused, Rune signed only: how?
Adam held up a pad of paper that had been sitting behind his back. On it was written:
Elet taught me a few sentences via Skype while I was waiting. I’m not fluent yet.
Rune chuckled a little at the “yet”.
He leaned forward, hands folded in front of his mouth as he thought about what Adam had said.
Taking the pad, he wrote:
There’s a lot of anger. How do I deal with it if I can’t use it to do some good?
Adam shifted the paper to his lap and replied:
Purge it in safe ways, with your Doms. I know what it’s like to feel helpless because others have robbed you of crucial parts of your life. You can’t let it turn you into a monster too.
It was the first time he really realized that Adam, of all of them, knew how he felt. Really knew. Because his parents had been killed by the foolish actions of others, also in a traffic accident. It had destroyed his world too. But Adam had pulled himself back up. He was finding a new way forward.
Adam’s looped handwriting scrawled:
You can still be the good guy. You can keep fighting. There are ways to help others. Safer ways.
For a while, Rune just held the tablet and hung his head, staring at it. Adam’s fingers combed through Rune’s hair, tickling over his scalp in ways that sent pleasant shivers down his neck and through his back.
He closed his eyes, enjoyed the soothing feeling.
Time slipped by.
He picked up the pen, wrote:
I’ve been angry for a long time, before the accident. That just amplified it. I was just constantly let down by important people—my parents, teachers, cops. CPS workers. No one ever fixed what needed fixing. I couldn’t rely on them, so I just relied on me. Even with my crew, they never knew the whole story. I felt safer that way, being independent. But now Oliver, Jackson, and you are showing me I can rely on people again. I really need that. But I have to ask, does it still ever drive you crazy?
Adam gazed down at the white paper, watching the blue ink dry. His hand moved to cover the letters of the question. His other hand caressed back along Rune’s jaw. Bowing his head, he laid it on Rune’s shoulder. Rune moved his arm to wrap Adam’s back, feeling the strength of it through his thin t-shirt. He felt Adam’s breath hitch and held on tighter to him. Rune turned his head toward Adam’s heat and breath, felt dampness on his skin, then lips on his mouth. He opened for the kiss, pressed in with hunger and need. Adam licked into him, held him there to use his mouth and Rune poured his fear and uncertainty into Adam, who gladly drank it all down.
When they broke, his lips tingling, his head spinning, Rune felt better.
Adam got to his feet.
Rune brought his right hand up to his mouth, flattened, the fingers touching his lips, then moved it away and a bit down. Immediately after, he finger-spelled S-I-R.
Adam gathered him once more to his body, with Rune’s forehead resting against Adam’s hip.
Once Rune was able to let go, Adam walked away and slipped out of the apartment, leaving Rune lighter, and less scared of the choice he’d made.