Ice

She seems to have forgiven me, both for what I did, and for being dismissive when she told me she loved me. At least I think so, because her kisses still taste just as sweet. But I haven’t forgiven myself.

We didn’t fuck after that long, draining conversation last night, nor this morning, and I should stop kissing her too, because I’m just giving her false hope at this point. I know this must end. There’s no other way. And I knew that before I even stepped in to prevent those old-timers from hitting her.

But it’s not easy knowing it with her arms wrapped around my waist, her head resting against my back and her hands stroking my stomach under my shirt. All of that’s just making me wish another outcome was possible. Looking into her beautiful turquoise eyes does the same thing. As does kissing her.

I couldn’t not bring her to Sanctuary either. Cross told me to come there, and he may not be my president, but ignoring a direct request like that from him is also not how it works. That man has done too much for me to disrespect his wishes. He gave me my life back, such as it is, and he gave me my revenge on the Spawns. Maybe he can even help me figure out how to keep Barbie safe from that old man of hers, and the one he wants to give her to. But I’m not letting him risk anything or anyone to achieve it.

I already made that decision when I saved her.

All day, a nagging voice in the back of my head’s been telling me I can keep her safe. That I need no one to help me do that. Nagging at me to keep her close because she’s the best I ever had. But I rode fast and it’s faded to a whisper now. That was the old Ice talking, the guy who did die in the rain on that night seven years ago whatever Barbie believes. This guy that survived won’t ever lose anything again.

“Is that it?” she asks, or gasps more like. We’re almost at the metal gate in the wall that surrounds Sanctuary.

“Yeah,” I tell her.

“Walls like that will keep anyone out,” she adds, and I can hear how much she wants that, what being protected like that means to her, and she deserves it too. Again, I’m not the guy for that.

We haven’t discussed anything about the future apart from me telling her we’ll be making a stop here. She hasn’t asked any questions, and she hasn’t been talking much either. Maybe she hasn’t really forgiven me. It’d be for the best that way.

Four is on the gate, as is the norm, since watching the gate is pretty much the sum total of his duties for the MC now that he’s too old for anything else. He opens the gate for us and lets us enter without saying anything.

We left the motel early in the morning and the sun’s already set now. The garden around the Devil’s Nightmare MC HQ building—a mansion by no stretch of the word—is washed in shadows and looks so peaceful. The huge garden surrounding it is like that too. I always see that kinda peaceful shit everywhere. It’s because I’ve been looking for peace so hard.

“Is this like some castle or something?” Barbie exclaims as she gets off the bike. She nearly trips on her own feet, because she’s checking out the building so intently.

The hot pants she’s wearing barely cover her ass, and the top she has on under her jacket doesn’t leave much to the imagination either. She’ll make quite a splash here in that outfit, as the two guys gawking at her from the garage off to the side of the main building are already proving.

Rumor has it that this place used to be full of club whores back in the day before Cross’ daughter came to live with him. That must’ve been something, the way the guys tell it. But now the women have all been confined to the clubhouse in town, which is still a fun place, if you’re looking for that kinda thing. I had plans to leave Barbie there to find someone else, but with Brick looking for her here, I’d better not.

Though maybe I should’ve left her there just for the duration of this visit. Roxie came out to greet us with a huge smile, which quickly turned into this stern, sour expression on her face now, as she watches Barbie take in everything there is to see. She was always too critical of the women I chose to be with. A born old lady, that’s what she always was, and it used to piss me off then just like it’s doing now.

I put my arm around Barbie’s shoulders, the sudden need to let everyone know she’s with me overwhelming, even though it’s pointless.

“Come, meet my sister,” I tell her.

She’s all smiles for Roxie, whose brooding face does soften a little, because it’s impossible not to react that way to Barbie’s smiles. They’re too bright.

“I heard a lot about you,” Barbie says, squeezing her hand firmly in both of hers.

Roxie nods and even cracks a tiny smile, then turns to me. “I’m glad you’re home, Ice.”

“I wouldn’t call it home, Rox,” I tell her. “Where’s Cross?”

I wanna get this over with fast. Just thinking about what I’m gonna do after this meeting has been making me sick all day, but there’s no other way. This may not be my home, but it’s Roxie’s home, it’s the home of her unborn child, my nephew’s home, and I won’t do anything to fuck that up.

“I think he’s in his office,” she says, and I guide Barbie towards her then remove my arm from her shoulders.

“Get her something to eat,” I tell Roxie.

They’re both looking at me sharply, but I’m avoiding both their gazes, especially Barbie’s. There’s almost no light out here anymore, and nothing has color, but her eyes are electric blue anyway. Letting her go seems impossible, but so was taking her when I had no right to.

I don’t say anything more, just go in search of Cross to get this over with.

He’s alone in his office, sitting at his desk, but he was expecting me. He probably saw us arrive on the cameras.

“Welcome back, Ice,” he says and gets up to fix himself a drink. I nod when he motions if I’d like one, though it would take that whole bottle to take the edge off tonight, or more like a couple of bottles.

“I ain’t staying,” I tell him and don’t move from beside the door as though to prove what I just said.

“You’re both welcome to stay, if you want. As long as you follow the rules,” he says as he hands me the glass of Scotch. I drink it in one go, don’t even feel the burn.

“We’re a danger to you here,” I say. “It’s best I disappear. I only came because you told me to, but I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to bring any problems down on you. I’ve done enough of that already.”

He’s giving me one of those hard black stares he’s famous for.

“I get it, Ice,” he says finally. “You lost a lot. But if you want to keep this woman, we’ll help you keep her. I’ve spoken to the guys and they agree. And the offer to join us as a full brother is still open. We all agree on that too.”

I shake my head, clutching my empty glass so hard I’m surprised it hasn’t shattered yet. “With all due respect, Cross, you don’t get it and I’m glad you don’t. You’ve all put yourself in enough danger too many times for me, and I’ll be damned if I ask it of you again. Not for something I’m not even fit to keep.”

I said too much, but fuck it, this feels like the night to do that.

“I’ll face the men who want her back and I’ll do it alone. She’ll be out of their reach by then,” I add. “There’ll be no need for you or anyone else to get involved. And afterwards, if I live, I’ll disappear too.”

“No offense to your father, but we’re not easily messed with,” he says. “Have no fear that if we take on a job, we see it through successfully. And I’m sure this one will be a breeze.”

I have plenty of fear, and regret, and anger that things are as they are. But I won’t contradict him, because I know he’s right. They’ll win this fight, if I ask them to take it on, but at what cost? And Barbie deserves better than me.

“This is my fight, Cross,” I tell him. “I appreciate all you’ve done for me, and all you’re still willing to do, but you’re not my president and this is my problem to solve.”

A fucking mountain of a problem is what this is. More than one man can handle. But it has to be done, and I’m hardly a man anymore.

“Just join us, Ice,” Cross says as though I didn’t bluntly refuse him two minutes ago.

My answer is still the same. “No.”

“The lone wolf doesn’t survive the winter,” he says, and it’s a fitting reference but fucking painful too.

“I died a long time ago, Cross. I died with all the other wolves that night.”

He shakes his head. “This is too deep for me, man. But I see you’re still alive, and that’s something I do understand.”

I shrug, because as far as I’m concerned we’ve said all that needs to be said tonight.

“According to Hawk, the Bloods and the Kings are close by, poking around for news of the woman they’re looking for. They haven’t entered Pleasantville yet, and they’ve made no more phone calls, but they brought numbers, so they mean business,” Cross says.

“I’ll take care of it, and we’ll be leaving now,” I say and deposit the empty glass I’ve been rolling around in my hands on the cupboard by the door.

It seems time’s running out. I have to get Barbie away from here, hide her somewhere where she’ll be protected and as far from me and my rotten self as possible. I’m ready to die so the Bloods and the Kings never find her again, but that’s all I can offer her.

* * *

Barbie

“So, how did you and Ice meet?” Roxie asks just as I’m about to bite into the sandwich she made for me.

This question has been on the tip of her tongue, while she insisted she didn’t need any help as she prepared my food. She also kept glancing at my outfit, her eyes screaming disapproval, so it’s real surprising she managed not to cut herself. But her eyes cut me up plenty. I was hands-shaking nervous about meeting her all the way here. I hoped she’d like me, and I still hope she’ll grow to like me, but it’s not looking promising.

I chew fast. “We met at Boar’s Pit Stop, it’s this bar in—”

“I know it,” she says curtly, but I don’t think that tone’s just aimed at me. Of course she knows it, she grew up in that town, just like Ice, and she lost her entire family there too. I should cut her some slack.

I do look like some club slut in this outfit, while she’s the old lady of the president of one of the most powerful clubs in the country. And I’m with her brother. Of course she’s looking down on me. It’s what all old ladies do, it comes with the territory. But I’ll win her over.

“Anyway, he helped me out of a tight spot with my ex,” I tell her. “And we’ve just been riding across the country ever since. It was the best time I ever had. You’re brother’s a great guy.”

She nods, her eyes turning kinda sad. “He is.”

I take another bite of my sandwich, not sure if I should tell her anything more. Ice has been so distant all day. He wouldn’t make love to me, but he held me and kissed me all night. I know he’s truly sorry about snapping, and I won’t lie that it didn’t feel rotten. But I’ve had so much worse, and I’ve never had better than the good times we shared on the road. That part’s no lie.

“I love him. And I think he loves me too,” I tell her, not even sure why, but, somehow, I’m sure she needs to know it.

She finally smiles for the first time, and even though it’s a sad little smile, it still brightens up her face considerably.

“I hoped he’d find someone,” she says. “He’s been so cold and untouchable…not the man I remember at all.”

“Sometimes he is that man,” I tell her because I’m sure I’m right. “When he forgets about what he went through, he’s the best man I know.”

And I’ve known a lot of men. But I don’t tell her that, although going by that discerning look in her eyes, she’s already thinking it anyway.

“All I want is for him to be happy,” she says.

“Me too.”

Then I start eating and apart from me telling her the sandwich is tasty, we don’t talk anymore. I hope Ice will come find me soon. I’d like to help him forget tonight, because I’ve had no luck all day.

“Are you ready?” he asks from the doorway behind my back. I turn to him and nod with a big smile on my face.

He doesn’t smile back. “Let’s go then.”

“To the beach?” I ask as I join him by the door.

The longer I look at his face, the less I want to keep smiling. I thought I’ve seen all the winter he carries inside him, but this look on his face takes it to a whole new level of freezing.

“We’ll see,” he says.

“I’ll talk to you later, Roxie,” he says to his sister, as he lets me out of the room.

I don’t hear her reply, and I can’t really see anything around me. I only see his back as he overtakes me on the way to the front door. I don’t know what to think, let alone what to say, but the sight of his back is significant, I’m sure of that. Because everything feels like it’s crumbling again and not just a little bit. This is the destructive and loud kind of crumbling that leaves nothing whole.