ROBERT
Aaron suggests we go to a sports bar downtown for a burger. I drive us to a good place I know with comfortable booths and quick service. We make small talk on the way about mom and dad and their recent trip to Europe. Aaron tells me about a new drug that is being worked on at his firm. It’s one that will help people with a type of chronic autoimmune condition. It’s good to hear about the things Aaron is achieving. He’s had a tough time but definitely seems to be coming through it all.
For a second, I wonder if it would be possible for me too, but then I shake my head. Aaron did nothing to deserve what happened to him. He doesn’t carry the guilt that I do.
I turn my attention away from my thoughts. The traffic is terrible, but that’s nothing unusual. I put a classic rock channel on the radio and I try and lighten my mood by laughing at some of the ridiculous lyrics, remembering the funny music videos filled with big hair and even bigger shoulder-pads.
It’s good to have Aaron here to distract me. When you know someone so deeply and for so long, relationships feel comfortable.
In the bar, a chirpy waitress takes our orders, her eyes lingering on Aaron who seemed oblivious. As she saunters away, swinging her shapely hips, I laugh.
“You know that waitress was giving you the eye.”
“She was?” Aaron looks across the bar to where she’s now standing to wait for our drinks. “She can’t be much older than twenty-one.” He shakes his head.
“Yeah, and she’s pretty damn stunning, and you didn’t even notice.”
“Hey, I like a good-looking girl as much as the next man, but I’m not a cradle robber!”
“Bullshit…you didn’t even really look at her. Nicole’s got you by the balls.”
Aaron looks up from his phone and grins. “You know what, I know what you’re trying to do and I’m not rising to it. Nicole can take me by the balls anytime, Robert.”
I snort, reaching out to straighten the salt and pepper grinders on the table. “Wow…you’re really into her.”
Aaron nods. “I am. She’s pretty fucking amazing. But we’re taking it slow.”
“That’s good, bro. I’m happy for you.”
The waitress returns with our cokes, eyes stroking over Aaron in a way that’s so sexual I could almost smell it, and this time he smiles back. “Thanks, Maddison.”
“That’s okay. You just let me know if you need anything else.” She lingers, eyeing Aaron obviously.
“We’re good for now,” he says firmly and I shake my head as she walks off looking dejected.
“Well, now I’ve seen it all,” I say.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Robert. I met Nicole and all I wanted was a fling. I didn’t do anything different from usual. She started off as an anonymous pick-up, but she got under my skin. The more we talked, and fought, the more I realized that she was something special. I started to see my fear for what it was, and hers too. In the end, I knew she understood and she didn’t judge me. She just told me she was willing to take a chance and by then I realized that I wanted to try too. We’re not getting any younger, you know?” Aaron looks at me pointedly.
“We’re in our prime,” I joke, and he frowns.
“We may be in our prime, Robert, but life is moving fast and we have to keep up, don’t we?”
“What are you getting at?” I was starting to feel like the conversation was going to get heavy again, and after my disastrous meeting with Analie, I could do without that. I was still stinging from the rejection as well as carrying around the unsettled feeling that had formed in my chest when I discovered she’d left without saying goodbye.
“I’m just worried about you, Robert. You’re letting time pass you by and…” He paused, resting his hands on the table in front of him. “…I can’t just keep saying nothing about it.”
“What do you mean?” My voice sounds tight from the ache in my throat.
“I mean, it’s enough now. You can’t blame yourself anymore. It was an accident and you need to accept that. It’s time.” Aaron leans forward. “You need to go back to therapy.”
“Fuck therapy,” I hiss on the verge of standing up and leaving. I don’t want to sit here digging up my darkest memories. I’m already feeling raw and this will wreck me.
“Look, I know you don’t think it will make a difference but it can and it will.”
“Talking can’t change what I feel, Aaron.”
“It can. I promise you. Sometimes you need to face up to things to move past them. You never did that, did you?”
“Ah, I see what this is,” I say slumping back in the chair. “You’ve had some heart-to-hearts with Nicole and now you think you know all about ‘moving on.’”
“That isn’t what this is about.”
“No. Says the man who’s been doing everything to avoid facing up to his issues until two days ago.”
“Okay, maybe you’re right. Maybe I am a terrified individual who was pathetic enough to let my fears rule my life for too long. Doesn’t that put me in a pretty decent position to give you advice?”
“Getting over your bitch girlfriend and her deception is one thing. You didn’t do anything wrong except trust someone duplicitous. You cannot begin to compare us, Aaron.”
“I can, Robert,” he says, his knuckles whitening as he grasps the edge of the table. “I’m not trying to upset you. I just don’t want to see you waste any more time over something that’s so far in the past.”
I look down at the table, not wanting to meet his eyes. “It might seem far in the past for you, but it’s like yesterday for me,” I tell him quietly.
“Well, it shouldn’t be,” Aaron says, just as our food arrived. The waitress places the plates in front of us and then leaves without the lingering stares. She’s obviously gotten the message. I use the distraction to take a deep breath, trying to maintain my composure, but my heart is thumping and my hands are balled into fists under the table.
“I want you to promise me that you’ll go and see someone.”
“Fuck you,” I hiss. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I think I’m your brother. The brother who’s always supported you. The brother who stood by and never questioned your decisions about how to live your life. I’m the brother who loves you enough to say enough is enough now.”
My stomach rolls and my throat burns with anger, frustration, and too many years of swallowed guilt that I just can’t seem to squash down anymore. I stand and press my hands into the table, looking my brother dead in the eye. “I don’t need your advice, Aaron. I don’t need your platitudes about ‘time healing’ or your ideas about what I should be doing to improve my life. My life is as fine as it is ever going to be. So just butt the fuck out, okay. Go back to Atlanta and leave me the fuck alone.”
“Robert…” Aaron starts to say, but I’m already halfway across the restaurant. All I can think about is getting to my car and driving the fuck away from here. I need to feel the cool breeze on my face and take out my frustration on the road. I think for a second that Aaron might follow me, but then I realize he knows me too well to think he can change my mind once I’m so riled up. He’ll give me the space I need.
In the car, I buckle up and then laugh at the irony of my action. I don’t give a fuck about my life, not really. It’s not that I don’t want to live. If I was having those kinds of thoughts, I’m man enough to carry it out. It’s more that fate is a bitch, and I know that caring about anything is pointless. Caring only makes it harder when everything is snatched away.
I speed away with the windows down, despite the fall chill that is already tinged with the bite of winter. My hand grips the steering wheel tightly, and I put the radio on to try and drown out my thoughts. The station is playing something heavy with guitar and drums, but my mind still manages to scream over it. ‘It’s your fault she died, it’s your fault. You lived and she…’ I shake my head, not wanting to get any deeper into the memory. The images are so clear in my mind that I can smell the smoke and hear the crackling.
“Fuck!” I shout, pounding my hands against the steering wheel, slamming on my brakes as the traffic in front of me comes to a standstill.
My heart pounds, and I begin to sweat despite the cold. The lights change and I keep moving, weaving my way out of the city. Aaron’s words are there with me like a taunt. He makes it all sound so easy, but it isn’t. It can never be. The road is winding, and I love the way the car hugs the ground, twisting and turning, tires screeching. It feels so good to speed, as though I might have a chance at outrunning all my ghosts if I just put my foot down far enough. My cell phone starts ringing and I look down at it on my knee. Aaron’s imaged flashes up and I curse again. Why can’t he leave me be?
Then I look back at the road and I know.
It’s too late.
I’m trapped in those seconds again; time slows.
I feel the skittering thud of my heart.
My hands slip on the wheel as it begins to spin out. The tires lift from the passenger side. My shoulders rise upwards, body sliding forward in my seat, inch by slow inch. My mind seems to process everything in snapshots.
It’s quiet as I process that Fate’s poisoned finger is pointing at me again.
Then the sounds are deafening; metal crunches, engine squeals, glass shatters and road bangs, bangs, bangs.
And in the midst of it all, the only thought in my mind is that I’m going to burn, and I’m going to get what I deserve.