Hell
His universe was cold, dark, and excruciatingly painful. He was floating in a sea of pain without any way to end it—unable to move or react.
At first, Thane thought it was a dream and kept his insurmountable fears at bay with the belief that he would wake up soon. But the longer he waited for relief to come, the more uncertain he became that it would ever happen, until the fears he’d been fighting finally rushed over him, unabated.
Is this Hell?
All his life he’d heard stories about the fire and brimstone of Hell—but this was much, much worse.
Cold nothingness…
No sound.
No smells.
No light to see by.
Nothing to touch.
Floating in a bitter darkness, completely devoid of anything to hold on to.
A man could go mad in such an environment…
What had he done to earn this punishment?
Although Thane had been deeply wronged as a boy, he’d lived his life as honorably as he knew how, striving to protect himself and those around him.
Was that the reason he was here?
In protecting himself, had he earned a place in Hell?
Brie…
He screamed in agony, but no sound came from his lips.
Thane raged inside himself, furious that every part of his humanity had been stripped away from him but one—the ability to think.
What cruel irony.
With limitless time, and being of sound mind, he found himself reliving his past and questioning everything. All those memories only served to affirm his assumption that he’d been plunged into the cold heart of Hell.
~~~~~
Thirteen again…
He was headed up the walkway to the house, glancing at the unfamiliar car in the driveway, curious as to why it was there. Mama never invited guests over to the house.
Thane opened the door and called out to her as he hung his backpack up and took off his shoes, setting them neatly against the wall at the entryway.
Shoes were not allowed beyond the entryway. It would be a travesty to get those pristine white rugs dirty. Thane couldn’t understand why his mother insisted on white, but he respected her wishes nonetheless.
A growing boy, he headed to the kitchen to round up a snack to satisfy his insatiable hunger. With a plate of chips and a hastily constructed sandwich, he made his way up the stairs to his bedroom. As he walked past his parents’ room, however, he heard his mother’s passionate cries.
Thane stopped in his tracks, horrified by the reality of what was happening behind those double doors.
She wouldn’t…
Tears picked his eyes, and he suddenly felt nauseous. The plate in his hand fell to the floor unnoticed.
As if in a daze, he escaped into his room, terrified by his mother’s betrayal.
“What do I do?” he mumbled as he paced the room. Should he go in and confront his mother, searing the image of her infidelity in his mind?
Tears of helplessness fell down his cheeks. He knew how crushed his father would be when he learned of her betrayal. Alonzo’s love for his wife was so deep that Thane was uncertain how he would survive it.
Sitting at the edge of the bed, Thane held his head in his hands, rocking back and forth, certain his whole world was about to fall apart.
“Why?” he cried out. He could not fathom any reason his mother would do this to his father when she claimed to love Alonzo. They were like the sun and the moon—everyone said that about them.
Thane groaned as the faint sound of her sexual cries penetrated his thoughts.
“I can’t deal with this!” he screamed out in a rage.
Racing from his room, Thane ran blindly past the double doors and down the stairs, slamming the front door on his way out.
He walked for hours, trying to reason out not only what had happened, but why it had happened. He understood his mother’s loneliness. Hell, he felt that way, too, but they both knew that Alonzo was not only providing for the family, but also spreading joy around the world with his violin.
It made Thane proud, and it was worth the sacrifice.
No matter what his mother was feeling now, she owed her husband the respect of telling him about the affair to his face as soon as he returned home. Sneaking behind her husband’s back to fuck another man in his bed was unconscionable.
Thane eventually walked back to the house, relieved to see that the car of his mother’s “boy toy” was gone. When he walked inside, she was waiting for him.
“You can’t tell your father.”
“Don’t make me lie for you, Mama.”
“You don’t have to lie. Just don’t say anything.”
“Lies of omission are still lies…” he growled.
“Do you really want to be the one who shatters this family?”
“I’m not the one who did this,” he spat, disgusted that she was planning to hide her infidelity. There was no remorse on her face.
“Thane, you know I love your father,” she insisted.
When he frowned at her in disbelief, she grabbed his arm and forced him to look her in the eye. “It’s not right that I have to stay behind while he’s traipsing all over the world, enjoying the adoration of millions of fans.”
“Papa would never cheat on you.”
“Whether he would or wouldn’t has nothing to do with this.”
“But it does,” Thane snarled, “considering the fact you just cheated on him.”
She smiled at him sympathetically. “You’re just a boy and can’t understand,” she said in a soothing voice, tucking a strand of loose hair behind his ear. “If you love your father, you won’t say anything about this.”
Thane shook his head, shocked by her request.
When she saw the defiance in his eyes, she replied in a threatening tone, “If you do, whatever happens will be on you.”
“I didn’t betray Papa.”
“Enough!” she shouted. “If you’re so eager to destroy your father and watch our family shatter into a million pieces, then, by all means, tell him.”
His mother walked away, grabbing her purse and keys. Before heading out the door, she turned around and stated coldly, “You left a mess in the hallway. I expect you to clean it up.”
Any respect he had left for his mother evaporated the second she walked out that door. Ruth had put the burden of her betrayal squarely on his shoulders. It was a cruel thing to do to a young boy.
The one thing Thane was certain of was that his father deserved to know.
When Alonzo returned home, Thane watched in disgust as his mother acted as if nothing had happened, doting on her husband as she always had. His father’s low laughter filled the house, suddenly causing Thane to doubt his decision.
He couldn’t handle the thought of silencing his father’s warm laughter with the ugly truth so, against his better judgement, he chose not to tell anyone…
~~~~~
Is that why I’m here? Thane cried out in the cold, black abyss. Because it doesn’t seem fair when I paid such a horrific price for that mistake a few years later.
Without skipping a beat, the consequences of that decision played out in his head.
~~~~~
“There’s no reason to push, dickwad,” the boy in front of him grumbled as Thane forced his way off the bus.
He’d seen his father’s Ferrari drive past as it pulled up to the house, parking behind the latest boy toy’s vehicle.
No…no…no! he screamed silently.
The choking smell of exhaust fumes filled Thane’s nostrils as he pushed his way off the bus and began sprinting toward the house.
His father had already opened the front door…
“Don’t!” Thane cried out breathlessly, knowing he wouldn’t be heard but desperate to stop what was about to happen. It was as if his legs had suddenly become lead, each step an incredible effort as he forced one foot in front of the other.
His father had no clue what he was walking into.
Heading up the stairs, grabbing the banister hand over hand to help propel him along faster, Thane saw the open double doors and knew he was already too late. When he entered the room, he stopped short—terrified.
His father had a gun pointed directly at his mother. The drawer by his bedside was open, its contents sprawled haphazardly on the floor.
Thane saw the naked “boy toy” lying in their bed, frozen in fear.
His father moved slowly, now aiming the gun at the asshole lying in the bed.
Alonzo said nothing as he vacillated between pointing the gun at one and then the other, a look of complete devastation on his face.
Finally, he lowered the weapon and asked his wife one simple question. “Why?”
She glared at him as if the circumstances had been reversed and she was the one who’d been wronged, but she said nothing in answer.
“Papa,” Thane choked out.
Alonzo turned his head and stared at Thane for a moment. The look of raw pain in his eyes was something Thane would never forget.
“I’m sorry, son.”
Before Thane could respond, Alonzo put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
Thane ran to him, screaming, as he watched his father’s body fall limply to the floor. Reaching him, Thane cradled his head in his lap, ignoring the gushing blood and fragments of bone as he begged his father to hold on.
He looked over at his mother and yelled, “Call the fucking ambulance!”
Thane returned his attention to his father, startled to see his eyes blinking. Maybe there was hope he would survive. “Papa, you’ve got to hang on until the ambulance gets here. You’re going to be okay.”
Even as he said it, he knew in his heart it wasn’t true.
Alonzo’s gaze slowly drifted around the room until it finally locked on Thane.
“I love you,” Thane choked out.
“Son…” His father blinked more and more slowly with each passing moment.
Thane was losing him, and there was nothing he could do.
“Don’t die, Papa,” Thane begged. “I need you…”
Alonzo’s gaze did not waver. “Ti amo.”
Thane whimpered. “I love you, too.”
His father stared at Thane with a look of unbearable sadness as his life slowly ebbed away. Thane held him tightly as he whispered his last words, “I’m sorry…”
His father’s body stiffened, and Thane heard the horrifying sound of the death rattle as Alonzo took that final breath—the sound would haunt him forever.
At the tender age of fifteen, Thane watched in horror as the light disappeared from his father’s eyes.
~~~~~
Looking back on that moment in this dark void, Thane could only condemn himself.
If he had confronted his father about his mother’s infidelity when it first happened, it was possible Alonzo would still be alive today.
That thought devastated Thane. If only his father hadn’t decided to surprise his wife and son by coming home early. Why was fate so cruel to the kind?
It wasn’t until his father had passed away in his arms that Thane understood the disturbing reality of his future. The talented man who had so much to give the world was gone, and the woman whom he had spent his life devoted to had only one thing to say.
“Thank God I’m free…”
Instead of comforting her son, Ruth used his father’s death as an opportunity to elevate herself in the eyes of the public while trashing Alonzo Davis’s reputation. She then spent his fortune seeking popularity, neglecting her only child, in her pursuit of fame.
Thane decided his mother had been aptly named. The beast was the personification of Ruth-lessness.
It dawned on him as he floated in the darkness that it might not have been the mistake of a young boy staying silent which had condemned him to Hell, but his deep rage against his own mother. He’d certainly spent his life killing her in as many ways as possible—in his mind. And she did die by his hands eventually, although he wished it could have been otherwise.
There had been several instances in his life when Thane had almost stooped to his mother’s level, overcome by the demons surrounding him after his father’s suicide, her betrayal, and her abandonment. He knew he was entirely capable of the same heartless actions as she was, since he was cut of the same cloth.
However, the compassionate soul of his father still resonated within him. Instead of becoming her equal, Thane chose the higher path.
Legally emancipating himself, Thane separated himself financially and emotionally from the beast, choosing to concentrate his efforts in making a name for himself in the business world—on his own terms.
Although he had sworn off women to preserve his sanity, his Italian blood demanded satisfaction. As much as he distrusted women on an emotional level, he was fascinated by their feminine bodies and took great pleasure in helping them discover their hidden desires.
With the encouragement of Durov and Anderson, he found a way to interact sexually without the emotional ties intimacy normally involved.
It was the perfect solution.
BDSM became his passion, and a new career path was born when he was appointed the Headmaster of the Submissive Training Center.
~~~~~
An image of Durov, bloody and battered, gagged and tied to his bed in the dorm room, popped into his head. That memory had always haunted Thane.
After that incident, he had been afraid to visit his Russian friend, knowing he was partly to blame. After all, he’d been the one to introduce Samantha to Durov.
Thane had immediately noticed the chemistry between the two, even though both were highly dominant individuals. It had intrigued him to watch the sparks fly whenever Durov and Samantha were together. He had encouraged their growing attraction, curious as to how it would play out.
Thane never anticipated how it would end—yet, the guilt he carried still weighed heavily on his soul.
Durov had retreated into himself after the assault.
Thane understood why, having witnessed the level of abuse the Russian had endured, after releasing Durov from his bonds to care for his many wounds.
Afterward, he had held the Russian in a protective embrace, silently horrified at how brutal Durov’s assailant had been.
He was shocked when he learned it was Samantha, but knew justice must prevail. However, Durov refused to press charges, and he made Thane promise never to speak about it with others.
“I cannot bear it,” he told Thane with tears in his eyes. “Everything that I knew myself to be has been stripped away. I am no longer a man.”
“You are wrong, my friend. You are still the same man.”
“Nyet. I grew up believing I was strong and could conquer the world—but now I see the truth. I am, and will forever be, a whipping boy.”
It was like a physical punch to his gut, hearing Durov’s words. “That is not true.”
“It is the truth.”
Thane grabbed him by the shoulders. “We determine our truth. No one else—not the world, not our circumstances, and definitely not those around us. We are in control.”
“Are we?” Durov asked, doubt clouding his voice.
“I have lived my life holding onto that truth,” Thane stated. “Because, if I am wrong…” He paused, the idea of it terrifying him. “…if I am wrong, then what’s the point of going on?”
“Exactly,” Durov answered.
The hairs on the back of Thane’s neck rose, hearing the finality in Durov’s tone. “Suicide is not an option. It is never an option.”
“Maybe for some it is.”
Thane growled, the deep-seated rage he’d kept buried for years now swirling around him, whispering its hateful words. “Durov, you cannot let you mind go there.”
The Russian looked him in the eyes. “It already has, multiple times. Do you not think I wanted to die when I found Tatianna drenched in her own blood? The only thing that kept me here was my mother. I could not bear to cause her that kind of pain.”
“Then why would you consider doing it now?” Thane demanded.
“When people find out I was assaulted by a woman, I will become the laughing stock amongst my kin and a source of embarrassment for my mother.”
“No one has to find out.”
Rytsar shook his head. “The truth will always find light, no matter how fiercely we guard it.”
Thane closed his eyes—the image of his father’s face when he pulled the trigger suddenly being replaced by Durov’s. “It is cruel to place that heavy burden on others.”
Durov tilted his head up questioningly, staring at Thane. “What about your own father?”
The blinding fury Thane had been trying to subdue erupted violently because of his simple, but loaded, question. Tears of rage rolled down Thane’s cheeks as he screamed the forbidden words he’d kept buried all these years. “I hate my father for what he did!”
Thane turned away from Rytsar, trying to keep the gut-wrenching sobs from escaping, but he could not. The anger and sorrow flowed from him like a turbulent river he could not hope to control.
He felt Durov’s strong arm wrap around him. “There, you have finally said it. I was wondering how long it would take.”
Thane looked at him accusingly, furious with himself for having voiced it aloud, when he loved and admired his father so profoundly.
Durov nodded in understanding. “Your father killed himself in front of you. How could you not be mad at him?”
Thane shrugged off his friend’s sympathy and stood up, walking over to the window. He needed distance from those unwanted emotions. In a voice ripe with pain, he admitted, “All this time I have run from the fact he committed suicide.” Thane turned to face Durov, and asked, “Do you know why?”
“Because he was weak?”
Hearing Durov associate that word with Alonzo rubbed Thane raw, but he shook his head and told him the truth. “No. I live every day afraid that I will make that same choice.”
Durov frowned, shaking his head adamantly. “You are the strongest man I know.”
“I’ve thought a lot about it. If we are simply products of our parents and circumstance, like you insist, then I have one of two paths ahead. I will either become a monster, or I will die by my own hands.”
Stillness filled the room as his greatest fear hovered in the air like a disease.
Durov met his gaze without blinking.
“I’m not okay with that,” Thane stated angrily. “I choose a different path, but I have to fight to stay on it every damn…fucking…day.”
Durov sighed heavily, nodding in agreement.
“Therefore, you must choose a different path, my friend—despite what happened to Tatianna, and despite what happened here. I guarantee it will be a hard fight, but I will be alongside you.”
“I don’t know…” Durov said, his voice raw with emotion.
“You must.”
Durov shook his head, looking down at his hands. “When Tatianna committed suicide, I felt as if my life was over. I had no idea it could get worse.”
Thane stated with complete sincerity, “If I could take your pain, I would.”
Durov looked up at him, penetrating him with those intense blue eyes. “I would never wish it on you, but I appreciate the heart behind the offer.”
“So you vow to fight?” Thane pressed.
Durov replied with a challenge. “If you will perform the blood-bond with me.”
Thane furrowed his brow. “What does it entail?”
“It is a vow of brotherhood. We promise our fidelity, protection, and comradeship to each other.”
Thane felt a quickening in his spirit. The connection Durov was offering was the very thing he had longed for after the death of his father. It was as if someone had heard the cry of his heart and answered it with this burly Russian sitting before him.
However, Thane could not make that vow unless he was certain Durov would keep his promise. “If I agree, will you vow not to leave this world until your appointed time?”
“Da,” he answered solemnly. “I give you my solemn vow not to rush my appointment with Death.” He then added with a humorous shrug, “Unless, of course, shit really hits the fan.”
Thane slapped him on the back. “You’ve had enough of shit for one lifetime. It’s going to be smooth sailing from here on out.”
“I hope you are right, comrade,” Durov chuckled sadly, walking over to a large, wooden chest on the floor. He unlocked it and pulled out a dangerous-looking blade. “This will do.”
Thane raised an eyebrow as he stared at the sizeable knife.
“We will not perform the ritual here,” Durov explained. “It must be done at a sacred place.”
“Like a church?” Thane asked, surprised.
“Nyet, but similar in nature.”
“Ah, then you must mean the ocean.”
Durov’s eyes lit up. “Da, that would do.”
“I know the perfect place then. Visited there many times after my father died.”
“Even better. A place that has meaning for you. Tomorrow night, then?”
“No, tonight,” Thane insisted.
Durov chuckled. “I approve of your Russian-like tenacity.”
“What else do we need?”
“Alcohol, a strip of cotton, and this beauty,” Durov answered, proudly holding up his blade.
Thane looked at the Russian, hoping this ritual commitment would give them the stability they both needed to connect on a deeper level. With Durov’s passionate nature and his level-headedness, Thane was excited to see how far they could go.
For the first time, when Thane thought about the years ahead, they did not seem like a black hole.
Thane could envision a life with balance, both predictable and rewarding.
And that had remained true—until he met Brie.
~~~~~
Thane found himself back in the tobacco shop.
With an amused smile, he asked the young woman, “Miss, could I have a pack of Treasurer cigarettes?”
When she turned to reply, Thane instantly became captivated by those honey-colored eyes, framed by those long, brown curls.
“I’m sorry. We don’t carry those here.”
Feigning ignorance of the shop his uncle managed, Thane looked around and stated casually, “Satisfy my curiosity and tell me what brand is in the box over there.” He purposely pointed to a box just out of her reach.
She graciously bent down to open it up, and he was granted an enticing view of her shapely ass. When she turned around and caught him staring, she blanched and looked away.
Her reaction intrigued Thane.
The girl must have limited experience if she found it unusual for a man to be openly admiring that fine body of hers. It led him to wonder what else he might introduce her to.
The possibilities were endless…
“Do you like it here?” he asked.
Brie’s eyes flashed with excitement when she answered, “Not exactly…” She glanced sheepishly at the back of the shop where his uncle must be working on inventory.
Her answer was all the permission Thane needed. While he was unsure if she would be open to exploring her submissive tendencies, he suspected she would prove an excellent student.
“You don’t look as if you belong here,” he stated, giving her a rare invitation to join the Submissive school by including his business card under the hundred-dollar bill he slid to her as payment for his purchase.
As he left the tiny establishment, Thane was overcome with a sense of providence.
He glanced back at the shop, certain now that the young woman would either prove to be his salvation or his utter ruin. The reason?
He’d felt an unexplainable connection to her the moment their eyes met. It both troubled and fascinated him.
~~~~~
Thane felt a crushing blow of grief knowing he was utterly alone now, stripped of Brie’s love in this unbearable and unforgiving darkness.
It was as if this Hell wasn’t simply satisfied to torment him with the past, but wanted to remind him of the future he had lost.
Mourning her as if she were dead, he retreated into himself, wanting freedom from all thought and emotion. In that inner silence, he heard her voice like a faint whisper on the wind. It was so soft at first it barely registered as sound.
Thane concentrated harder, begging Brie to speak again.
“Come back to me…”
Even though her voice remained impossibly faint, he heard the agony in her words.
Thane began screaming into the nothingness, demanding his life back. It didn’t take long before he realized it was a waste of mental energy.
Instead of getting discouraged, he switched tactics. Concentrating all of his thoughts, Thane imagined physically digging himself out of the Hell he had been cast into. He did not deserve to be here.
His place was by Brie’s side.