Trevor grew withdrawn in the weeks following the great mom visit. Staying in Wilmington on the weekends wasn’t an option, lest they start piecing together what had kept us there that one weekend. And even when we were at school during the week, he buried himself in his projects, always having an excuse when I invited him to chill with me for a movie.

I made it until early November before I snapped and called him out on it. It was my short day, which meant I’d had hours alone in our room to rehearse what I wanted to say to him. It wasn’t cool that he’d told me he loved me and then pulled away. I never thought of myself as the clingy boyfriend, but I was desperately trying to hold onto what I thought we had.

Knowing confronting him the minute he walked through the door wasn’t the approach that’d get me the results I wanted, I snatched my keys off the rack and made a run to the market about an hour before he got home from class. I picked up all his favorite junk foods, the crap we always bought when we were going fishing for the weekend when we were in high school. I wanted to remind him of simpler times, prove to him he was making this thing between us more complicated than it needed to be. By the time he got home, I had everything laid out in the commons area on the old sleeping bag Mom had sent home last weekend in case I got cold. The only person home tonight was Seth, and when I’d warned him I was taking over the room with a real TV, he’d promised to steer clear.

“What’s all this?” He asked, already starting to pull books and binders out of his backpack.

“I thought we could have a mini date night,” I told him, feeling heat rise in my cheeks. Maybe this was a stupid idea. I rushed to explain myself before he could reject me. “I know you’re buried in shit for school, but I miss spending time with you. I miss us, Trev.”

“I’m right here. I’m sorry I can’t blow off my classes to make out, but you knew this would happen eventually.” Trevor crossed his arms tightly over his chest, backing away from me. When I reached out for him, he shook his head. Tonight was going sideways in a hurry.

“I know. I’m not trying to say you’re to blame for anything, only that I miss the time we used to spend together.” Before our moms came and spooked you, was left unsaid. This had seemed like a foolproof plan earlier, but he was defensive and I worried we’d be in a full-on spat before long.

I walked slowly across the room, not wanting him to feel cornered or smothered, and placed a hand on his hip. “I know this semester’s nuts for you. That’s why I figured we could chill for a little while, maybe I could give you a massage because your neck’s gotta be killing you, and then you can get your work done. I’m trying to help us find a balance here, Trev.”

“I know. And I’m sorry if you think I’m ignoring you.”

“It’s not about that,” I lied. I did feel cast aside, but I held out this long by reminding myself I knew how Trevor’s mind worked and how frustrated he was about everything he had going on. Still, it stung to hear him talking about all his new friends in his study groups while I spent most of my time sitting alone in this fucking room.

Hell, I’d gotten so bored at one point I’d knocked on Seth’s door and asked if he wanted to hang out for a bit one night when Trev wasn’t coming home until late. As it turned out, Seth was a pretty cool kid. He was just having a hard time acclimating to his newfound freedom. If I thought DeeDee was bad a helicopter mom, hovering over Trevor to make sure he didn’t get hurt, Seth’s parents sounded more like hot air balloon parents. Not the type who soared freely around the countryside in the early morning hours, but the kind at the fair, tethered to a leash that’d only allow them to drift so far in any direction.

I pulled Trevor down onto the sleeping bag and ripped open a bag of his favorite chips. Just the smell of the salt and vinegar made me want to hurl, but today, it was a scent I associated with Trevor, a reminder that I hadn’t lost him, no matter what my insecurities said. Speaking of insecurity…. “Trev, can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” He positioned himself between my legs and relaxed against my chest. I started rubbing his arms, noticing how tense he was. I kneaded harder, loving the way he moaned as the tension fled his body, hoping it wouldn’t return once the conversation turned heavy.

“Do you wish we’d taken time to get to know other people before jumping into this relationship?”

“No. Why would you even think that?” He sounded genuinely offended. “Do you want that?”

“Not at all, but you’re hanging out more with your other friends, so I wasn’t sure.”

“Babe, those aren’t so much my friends as they are study partners. I’d love it if I had an easy course load and could be here with you, but that’s not always possible.” He sat up and I missed his heat, the cold feeling like he was pulling away in more ways than physically.

I yanked him back, unwilling to let him escape until we resolved this issue. “Would it be totally selfish of me to ask that we figure out a time when we could be together and have that be our time?”

“I’d like that,” he responded, starting to relax again. “There may be times when I have to ask to reschedule, but I think it’d do both of us a lot of good to make a concerted effort here. The further we get into our studies, the harder everything’s going to be, and I don’t want to lose you. Not over something stupid like this.”

“I like the sounds of that. And you swear you’re not trying to find a way to let me down easy? You’ve been acting funny ever since your mom came down to visit.”

“I’ll admit it messed with my head,” he told me, opening a can of Pringles and handing them to me as I surfed through the TV listings to find something short we could watch together before I sent him into the other room to work on the paper he’d been freaking out about. “When they came up to see the room, my mom kept looking at the beds. It was like she somehow knew the loft has never been used. I’m probably being stupid, but I’ll try to do better.”

“You’re not being stupid,” I assured him. “I know how much you hate not being honest with people, and your parents aren’t just anyone. It’s gotta be eating you alive.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you should be punished for it.”

I didn’t see it as punishment, exactly, but we were in a good place, so I let it drop. Finding an episode of Mythbusters, I set down the remote and leaned back against the couch so I could properly snuggle with Trevor. It felt like such an unmanly thing to do, but I loved it. Loved feeling him in my arms, which was probably why I never felt pressure to ask if he was ready to take that final leap.

No, we still hadn’t had anal sex. Ass play, sure, but there was something about penetrating him that made me nervous. I’d never done it before, so I worried that even with the abundant research he’d done on how to make it less painful, I’d hurt him. Then there was the standard fear that I’d love it so much I’d come before I fully entered him. No one wanted to be known as a one-stroke wonder. He deserved more.

A while later, I woke to Trevor straddling me, wiping away a string of drool from the corner of my mouth. Not my sexiest moment. “This has really been bugging you, huh?”

“A bit.” The truth was, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a good night of sleep. Every night, I held Trevor until he crashed, then watched him, wondering if he was right and we were going to fuck up nineteen years of friendship, all because we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. Eventually, I’d pass out, but then he’d wake up and I’d pretend to sleep while I watched him get ready for the day. After he left, I buried my face in his pillow, wishing anything about college was like the fantasies I’d built up for the past year.

“Weren’t you the one who said we needed to talk when we got into our own heads?” he reminded me, standing before extending a hand to help me off the ground. When we were chest to chest, he pulled me into a tight hug, breathing against my neck. “I know things are different than how you’d expected, but we’ll get through this. We always do.”

“I know.”

An alarm went off on his phone and Trevor winced. “Crap. So, this is really bad timing, but I forgot I’m supposed to meet a few guys from my history class at the union. Are you going to be okay if I take off?”

“Yeah. I didn’t bring this up to guilt you into bailing on your study groups,” I told him, packing a sandwich, some of the chips, and a Cheerwine.

“I know you didn’t. Maybe we can pick this up where we left off later? I shouldn’t be gone past nine.”

“That works,” I said, trying to come across cool and unaffected.

“Cool.” Trevor kissed me, thanked me for packing him something to eat, and was almost to the door when he turned back. “You know, it might do you some good to get out of the suite from time to time. I don’t like knowing you’re holing yourself up in here whenever I’m not around.”

“I’ll think about it,” I told him, not willing to make any promises.

If I was being honest, so far, I felt like a fraud down here. I’d sailed through high school with decent enough grades to get into college, but I’d never been near the top of my class. Even taking a lighter course load to acclimate myself to how things were done here, I was struggling. But I wouldn’t admit that to anyone, not even to Trevor. Hell, especially not to Trevor, because I knew damn well he’d try to help me the way he had the past seven years, through both middle and high school. He had enough on his plate without worrying about me too.

Although I felt more at peace after talking to Trevor, now I was thinking about his suggestion that I needed to get out and meet people. I used to be a friend magnet, so other than my feelings of inadequacy, it made no sense that I wasn’t out there doing something when he was busy. He’d made it clear he was living his own life right now, so why shouldn’t I?

In a totally uncharacteristic move, I walked over to Seth’s room. What made tonight different than the other nights we’d hung out was that I wasn’t in the midst of a pity party. Tonight was about nothing more than seeing if he wanted to hang out, maybe walk down to Port Java with me. He might’ve been the only person on campus with less of a social life than I had.

His door opened before I could even get to it from the communal area. “Oh, hey Seth. I was coming to see if you wanted to hang out for a bit. I’m thinking about heading over to Port Java.”

“Oh, I would, but I’m actually on my way out.” His gaze flitted everywhere but in my direction. “I thought you were spending some time with Trevor tonight?

“Yeah, but apparently everyone but me has plans.” I shrugged as though I didn’t feel like a complete loser. I had less of a social life than sheltered Seth. I turned to mope back to my room, but Seth’s offer stopped me in my tracks.

“Maybe it’s not your scene, but the LGBTQ Alliance is having a get-together tonight.” Had not seen that coming. Perhaps it was unfair of me to make assumptions about someone’s sexuality when I was pretty sure no one pegged me as gay, but I hadn’t considered that might be yet another issue he was facing in his life. Then again, it wasn’t like I made a habit of thinking about anyone’s sex life, especially someone I was still struggling to think of as anything other than “the kid.”

“No pressure at all, but I thought you might want to get out of here for a bit.” He stood taller and squared his shoulders. “And honestly, it’d be nice to know someone there. It probably sounds stupid to someone like you, but until I got here, I’d pretty much convinced myself I was a freak of nature because I didn’t think about getting married and having kids like the rest of my Sunday school class.”

“Yeah, that’s probably not a hotbed for gay activity,” I joked, trying to keep him from crumbling under the weight of what he’d admitted to me.

He laughed, but the sound was thready and hollow. “Yeah, so anyway, when I got accepted to UNCW, I started looking at the different clubs to figure out what I wanted to do. I knew I didn’t want to sit in my dorm room all the time, studying.”

He gave me a pointed look, as if to silently add “the way you do” to the end of his statement.

“That’s awesome,” I responded enthusiastically. “Maybe I should’ve done something proactive like that, but I had… other things on my mind.”

“Like being eager to move in with your boyfriend without anyone knowing what’s going on?” How in the hell did he know that? He must’ve read the confusion on my face because he quickly clarified. “Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but when we’re all hanging out in the commons, everyone sees the way the two of you look at one another. Ayden and Gibson were the first ones to figure it out. I wasn’t so sure at first, but I’m pretty sure our beds are on the shared wall and you two aren’t exactly quiet.”

Seth blushed adorably. If we were better friends, I might’ve teased him about whether or not that was a complaint or compliment. Then again, if Trevor knew anyone had heard me⁠—and it had to be me, because Trevor was even timid in orgasm⁠—he’d be mortified. Which meant I needed to do some damage control.

“Yeah, exactly like that,” I confirmed. “But don’t tell him everyone knows. Things with us are complicated, and he doesn’t want to go public yet.”

“So you’re saying he has no clue how he looks at you?”

“How’s that?”

“Like he’s a sugar addict and you’re a cupcake with a mountain of frosting on top.” Huh, hadn’t really noticed that. We were so used to not making eye contact that lasted longer than a socially acceptable amount of time that those looks must’ve been when I wasn’t looking in his direction.

“I have to get going or I’m going to be late,” he told me as he checked his watch. Yes, his watch, because he was likely the only student on campus who didn’t have a smartphone, so he kept it shoved in his pocket at all times. “No pressure, but if you were looking for something to do tonight, it’s supposed to be a pretty nice group of people.”

I hedged for a minute. Going to an LGBTQ Alliance meeting was getting awfully close to stepping out of the closet. If I went, people would know for sure I was gay. If they knew I was gay, and if Trevor looked at me the way Seth said he did, they’d assume he was gay, too, if they saw us together.

Screw it. He’s off with his study group friends and suggested I get out of the dorm room occasionally. This was the perfect solution.

“Yeah, let me get my hoodie and I’ll meet you back here in a few.” I quickly scribbled a note for Trevor that I was out with Seth and I’d try to be back by nine, but not to worry. I could’ve texted, but I wasn’t prepared to have to answer questions about where we were going in case he thought it was a bad idea.