“Fear me not.”
~William Shakespeare
“I don’t bite…unless you want me to.”
~Romeo Bradley
Would there come a day when I wasn’t struck nearly mute by him? It wasn’t just his outer beauty either. There was a light in his eyes that spoke of intelligence and depth, and he carried himself with pride and confidence. It was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Right then, standing in the doorway of my office, his lips tilted up in the slightest hint of a smirk as if we’d unknowingly, and unwillingly on his part, shared a moment. I saw a flash of something else in his hazel depths, but it was gone before I could name it. The only thing I could do was smile at him because I was so damn glad to see him, even if the feeling wasn’t mutual.
I was certain he would decline the kids’ offer once he found out I would be directing the play. Clara nearly vibrated with joy when she told me how shocked Julius had been at the news. I’d asked if they told him before or after he committed to helping compose the music, and I was nervous when I found out it was the latter. He looked anxious and maybe a bit hesitant, but I didn’t get the vibe he’d planned to pull out of the production. I knew it was up to me to break the ice and make him feel welcome.
“Thanks for joining the team, Mr. Shepherd.”
He offered me a hesitant smile, but I would take it and hope to build upon it. “I’m excited to be included in the production of Inside Out.” He then turned to look at the kids who sat around the small, round table in the corner of my office I used for informal interviews and meetings. I’d learned I would have more success in interacting with people if I was on their level, rather than sitting on opposite sides of an imposing desk. I saved the behind-the-desk approach for when I meant serious business and I needed my visitor to respect my authority.
I rose from behind my desk and walked toward the table where Clara, Ellie, and Curtis waited for us. “Join us?” I asked, gesturing to the two available chairs, which just happened to be next to one another.
“Sure,” Julius said after a brief hesitation. “I’m excited to read the script and see what the three of you have created. I love the title you came up with,” he told them when he sat down.
“It was Curtis’s idea,” Ellie said, nudging him with her shoulder.
“If you turn us inside out, you’ll see that we’re all the same. It’s only our outer shells that are different.” How very perceptive for a young mind, but some kids are forced to grow up quicker than the others. I wondered about Curtis’s home life after he came out. Did he find the acceptance and support he needed? I suspected I’d find my answers when I read the play.
“Minus the differences in reproductive organs, of course,” Clara added, earning a frown from both Ellie and Curtis.
“I need to read the play first which I will start tonight. I will make notes as I go about any melodies that pop into my head or questions I might have for the young playwrights. Then I will study the lyrics and compare them to the notes I made about the tone and tempo of the scenes. I should have a good feel for the music by the weekend then I can begin composing melodies over the next few weeks. Sometimes I can compose a song in a day, and other times, it takes weeks for me to piece the fragments together to form a cohesive melody. Is a month too much time to ask? I don’t think it will take that long, but I’d like to do this right and not rush it.”
“A month should be perfect,” Clara said, speaking up for me. I could tell there would be times I’d need to remind her I was directing the play. “The play won’t debut until January.”
“Let’s shoot for auditions at the end of September then,” I said. “Have you already worked up character sheets?”
“We have,” Ellie replied. “We created them as we wrote the play. As Inside Out evolved, so did our characters.”
“I’d like to read them once more to make sure we’re on point,” Clara said.
“How about I go over them after I’ve read the play?” I asked. “It’s always a good idea to have someone review them with fresh eyes.”
“Because we’re too close to the characters we’ve written?” Ellie asked.
“Yes, and it’s often hard to be objective about your own work.”
“I think that sounds fair,” Curtis said.
“I agree,” Clara said, nodding. “I can see already that you know what you’re doing. I think you have more experience with theater than you first let on.”
“Perhaps,” I agreed.
“This play is in good hands,” Clara said after studying me closely for a few seconds. I could feel her mentally placing the play in my care. I wouldn’t let her down. “As is the music,” she said to Julius.
“So, late September we will hold auditions then begin reading the parts as a team the first week of October. I want to be completely off script in two weeks. Mr. Shepherd will work with the band and music departments to coordinate their roles, and I will talk to Mrs. Jameson about her art classes creating the backdrops for our scenes. Who’s usually in charge of costumes?”
Ellie raised her hand. “My mom has made the costumes for as long as I can remember. She’s so gifted.”
“That’s great,” I said. “I’d like to have another meeting in a month with everyone involved in the production. Would your mom be open to joining all of us.”
“She’d love it, Dr. Bradley,” Ellie said excitedly.
“My parents volunteered to cover the cost for printing the ads and programs,” Curtis said. I partially had the answer to my unspoken question about his parents’ support.
“My folks have arranged for us to perform the play at the Getty Theater in Goodville instead of our cafetorium,” Clara informed me. “It’s a historic theater built in 1916.”
“I’m familiar with the Getty Theater,” I said fondly. “She’s a beauty, and I can’t think of a better place to perform the play. I’ll have to express my gratitude to all of your parents for their commitment and generosity.”
I had noticed parent engagement with the school and staff was higher here than I’d seen in the other districts I’d worked as an educator or an administrator. I was eager to see what the new school year would bring us. Speaking of which, we needed to wrap up our production meeting and get to the auditorium for the athletic director’s meeting.
“Does anyone have any questions or concerns at this time?” I asked. The kids looked at one another before returning their attention to me. The three of them shook their heads, and we all turned to look at Julius. “Mr. Shepherd?” Was it me, or was he watching my mouth form his name on my lips?
He blinked then moved his eyes up to meet mine. “I don’t have any questions right now.”
“Then we’ll adjourn and head back to the high school for the athletic meeting.” All three kids groaned as we rose from the table. I recalled from the photos in the fall sports insert that Ellie played tennis for Julius, Clara played volleyball, and Curtis ran cross country.
The kids left the room talking animatedly once more about the play while Julius and I followed at a slower pace. I wasn’t sure what to say to him, although I needed to say something. The urge to reach for his hand rose sharp and swift inside me, stealing my breath.
“Are you okay?” Julius asked, sounding concerned. His brow was furrowed when I turned my head to look at him. “You sucked in a sharp breath like maybe you were in pain.”
“No, I’m fine,” I rushed to assure him. “I’m not hurt. A thought just came to me that caught me off guard, but I wasn’t aware my reaction was audible.”
“It was pretty subtle,” he said then cleared his throat. If it was a subtle reaction, then it meant he was tuned in to me, picking up things others wouldn’t. The uncertain smile he gave me was incredibly sweet, and I longed to trace the curve of his lips with my fingers. Maybe someday I’ll have the right to act on my desire. Until then, I’d settle for friendship.
The fall athletics meeting was as boring as the kids had warned. I spoke first, and it was my first time publicly addressing the parents, coaches, and students. I wasn’t typically nervous about speaking in front of crowds, because I’d been performing in one way or another since I was a kid, but I couldn’t deny the jangle of nerves I felt knowing he was watching and judging me just as the crowd was. There was also no denying that his opinion mattered a lot to me.
Afterward, I stayed at the school and talked to those who wanted to introduce themselves to me. I was glad to see so many people were excited about the upcoming year but ready to get home to take Dolly for a walk and start reading Inside Out. Dolly was my best girl and confidante. She came into my life when I needed a warm body to cuddle, and her fur had absorbed many shed tears during our time together. Her friendly little licks on the chin could pull me back from despair like no one else could. She didn’t deserve to be locked in a house for endless hours, so I employed my next-door neighbor, Lily Brewer, as my dog sitter. I took Dolly over to Lily’s house before heading to work and picked her up as soon as I got home. Dolly got to play all day with Lily’s dogs, and I never worried about her being lonely.
Dolly happily barked as she watched my approach through Lily’s glass storm door. Her tail whipped from side to side, and her silky ears bounced every time she barked. My heart swelled with love as I jogged up the steps and rang the doorbell. Lily answered the door wearing an apron covered in red splotches.
“Cooking something with tomatoes or have you killed someone?” I teased when she opened the door so I could come in. Dolly began to turn in circles while she waited for me to crouch down and give her ears a good scratch.
“Canning tomatoes, making homemade salsa, and spaghetti sauce. I make enough for two armies. Are you interested in receiving jars of any of those things?”
“I love salsa and chips,” I told her.
“What’s your preference? Mild, medium, hot, or great balls of fire? Perhaps you’d like my sampler. Instead of a pint of salsa, I give you one of each in small jelly jars.”
I chuckled over my options. “I’ll take the sampler,” I said.
“Great. I’ll have it ready for you tomorrow when you pick up Dolly. I’ll send home a few extra goodies too. I assure you that my spaghetti sauce is the best you’ll ever have. It’s great to pop open a jar after a long day at work and pour over spaghetti noodles and a perfectly breaded, pan-seared chicken breast.”
“My mouth is already watering just thinking about it,” I told her. “How was Dolly today?” She hadn’t seemed herself this morning when I dropped her off.
“She wasn’t as playful as normal, but her appetite was good, and she drank plenty of water. Dogs are like people; they have moody days. They’re also highly sensitive to their human’s moods too. Maybe she’s feeding off the signals you’re putting out, even if you’re not aware. Excited or nervous about the upcoming school year perhaps?”
“No more excited than usual,” I replied but knew it wasn’t true. I only had to think about seeing Julius and my heart raced. “We’ll take an extra-long walk tonight and maybe stop for a frozen treat.” The ice cream parlor in town sold treats made especially for dogs. Dolly barked sharply twice. That was her way of telling me she was down for the walk and ice cream. “We’ll head out of here so you can get on with your night. Thanks for watching her later than usual.”
“She’s a joy to have around,” Lily assured me. “See you in the morning.”
“Good night, Lily.”
At home, I opened my email on my phone to print out the script for Inside Out Clara had sent me and noticed she’d sent a new email that included the character sheets they made up for all the roles in the play. I preferred to hold a physical script in my hand so I could make notes, even though those tools were available digitally. I hit the print command for both documents then went into the kitchen to fix a light supper before we set off on our walk. I had leftover grilled chicken and decided to boil some penne pasta and make a simple and quick herb and garlic pesto to toss them with.
I slipped Dolly a few bites of the grilled chicken before I coated it with the pesto. I loved my girl, but her breath was foul enough without adding garlic to her diet. I kept my eyes on the printed script as I made notes rather than look into her big, brown eyes as she begged at my feet. After dinner, I changed into a pair of basketball shorts, a tank top, and my running shoes. Dolly dragged her leash to me when I sat in the kitchen chair to tie the laces on my shoes.
“Of course, you’re going,” I told her. “Didn’t I say so at Lily’s house?”
The leash in her mouth muffled her bark. Once I finished tying my shoes, I hooked the leash to her harness, and we headed out at a nice pace both of us could enjoy. Her little legs were too short to keep up with my morning runs so she sat those out. Nighttime strolls were all about her and the pace she wanted to go. Sometimes, she was feeling her moxie and trotted along quickly, and other times, she poked around smelling every other blade of grass. Her pace was in between those two, but I was happy to tag along while she did her thing. I knew I had a glass of chilled Chianti and a funny play script waiting for me when I got home.
The ice cream parlor, Tooty Fruity, was fairly busy when we arrived, but I figured it was everyone clinging to the last days of summer before school started. I ordered a double dip of butter pecan for me and a frozen doggy treat for Dolly. We sat beneath one of the tables shaded by a big, colorful umbrella.
I leaned over and petted Dolly’s silky ears while enjoying my cone and thinking about the little bit of the play I’d already read. These kids were really onto something special, and no matter where life took them, I hoped they always held on to this creative outlet.
“Excuse me,” said a gruff voice. “Dr. Bradley, is it?”
I lifted my head and looked into the solemn eyes of the man named Howie I’d seen at Books and Brew with Irv.
“Yes,” I replied. “Good evening. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your last name this morning.”
He cringed a bit, and his face flushed like he was embarrassed. “I’m Howie Wilson.”
I extended a hand to him which he accepted. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Wilson.” His generation preferred a formal address until permission was granted to use their first name.
“Call me Howie,” he said with a crooked smile. “May I join you?”
“Absolutely,” I replied. “Dolly and I always enjoy good company.” Howie snorted like he knew people wouldn’t classify him as such. I wanted to change that because the sadness in his eyes reminded me of a time in my life that still hurt to remember. “Call me Rome.”
“Is your first name really Romeo?” he asked, a crooked smile lifting the corner of his lips.
“Yes,” I sighed. “My mother is a big fan of classic literature. Luckily for my sister, my dad put his foot down after I was born, and they stuck with a more traditional name for her. Of course, I told her she was named after Ashley Wilkes from Gone with the Wind, whom she couldn’t stand.” That earned a chuckle from Howie.
“I wanted to apologize for my surly attitude when we met earlier. My Miriam would be so upset with me right now. She wouldn’t want me to walk through life like a zombie snapping and snarling at everyone. She would want me to look for the beautiful things around me and remember all the good times we had. Some days it just seems like a bigger task than I can pull off.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Howie. Was today a particularly bad day?” I asked softly.
“It would’ve been her seventieth birthday. Instead of remembering all the birthdays we spent together, I’m thinking of all the places I never took her. God, what I wouldn’t give to be able to take my wife to Paris and kiss her at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Why am I stuck in this quagmire of what should’ve been instead of what was? I tell you, Rome, my Miriam was the most beautiful soul you’d ever meet.”
Bark! Bark!
Howie snickered then looked under the table at Dolly. “Besides you, little lady.” I was pleased to see a real smile on Howie’s face and shocked at how it transformed his looks. “I can’t believe I’ve sat down at your table and just started spilling my guts. You’re a virtual stranger, not a psychiatrist.”
“I’m not that kind of doctor,” I assured him. “However, I am a person who knows exactly what you’re going through. Maybe something inside you recognized that about me.”
“Maybe,” he said gruffly. “You’ve lost someone special too? A spouse?” It was nice he didn’t automatically assume it was a woman, but I was sure he’d heard about my sexuality through the grapevine. I didn’t exactly blurt my orientation through a bullhorn, but I was very open with the board when they interviewed me. If they didn’t think I would be a good fit, then I didn’t want the job. I felt it was better to get it out there in the open than wait for it to become part of the conversation.
“A partner,” I corrected. “Peter passed away before it was legal for us to marry, but he was my husband in every way that counted.”
“I’m sorry for your loss too, Rome. How long ago did Peter pass?”
“Seven years,” I said. “How long has it been for you?”
“Almost two years, but it feels like it happened yesterday.”
“It does for a long time, but one day, you wake up and you realize a lot of time has passed, and the memories don’t hurt quite as bad as they did the day before.”
“I can’t imagine ever feeling that way,” Howie said, eyes watering as if that would be worse than the misery of missing her. “I don’t want to forget the sound of her voice.”
“I wouldn’t want you to either, Howie.”
“She had the best laugh,” he said, a single tear rolling down his face. “And her smile was so bright it could warm you on the coldest days.”
“If you can, wrap the memory of her smile and laughter around you like a warm blanket. It’s possible to move forward while remembering; they’re not mutually exclusive.”
“Is that what you did when it got hard?”
“Yes, and I adopted Dolly. I focused on caring for her instead of fostering my grief. Day by day and little by little, I started to heal. Birthdays and holidays are still hard, but I do things to honor Peter’s memory. I planted his favorite flowers at my new home so I have a part of him with me. I’ll fix his favorite meal on his birthday. I donate to his favorite charities at Christmastime. I do all the things he’d do if he were still around. Some people see that as clinging to the past, but I don’t see it that way.”
“You’re still young. Do you hope to fall in love again someday?” he asked.
I pictured Julius Shepherd and recalled the way he made the blood rush through my veins from just a shy smile. “I do. I have a lot of life yet to live and many laughs to share. I’d rather not experience them alone.”
“Does that mean you’ve already—”
“Dad?” A new voice joined us, cutting him off before he could finish his question. I was grateful for the interruption because I knew what he was going to ask but not sure how I’d answer.
“Oh, hello, Seth,” Howie said, rising to his feet.
“Dad, I’ve been worried sick about you. I’ve been calling your phone for hours.” Seth hugged his father tight. Howie chuckled and returned his son’s embrace, clinging to him longer, like he needed the affection more than he was willing to let on.
“I took a drive to the lake and walked around then stopped to talk to Dr. Bradley when I saw him sitting here. He’s the new super—”
“Superintendent,” Seth supplied. “I’ve heard great things about you from my wife, but I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting you yet. Seth Wilson,” he said, offering his hand to me.”
“Rome Bradley. It’s good to meet you.”
“This is Dolly,” Howie said, squatting down next to my dog. He began petting her silky ears. “I think I’d like to adopt a dog, Seth. My house is just too quiet without your mama.”
“Really?” Seth looked from where his dad knelt by my dog then back at me. “I think several of us suggested that to you already.”
“You did, but it had to be my idea. I think I saw a poster at the library that said this upcoming Saturday is adoption day at the shelter.”
“You could always get a puppy from a breeder.”
“Nah, I want to rescue a dog from heartache.” I thought his new dog might rescue him in return.
Seth’s eyes widened and glistened with unshed tears. “That sounds perfect. Maybe we can make a family day out of it.”
“That would be great,” Howie said, rising to his feet. “I need to be getting home. Thank you so much for chatting with me, Rome.”
“It was my pleasure. If you and your new companion want walking buddies, just let me know. Dolly and I take a stroll every night.”
“I might take you up on that. Good night, Rome.”
“Good night,” I said to them both.
I rose from my chair, threw away my trash, and began my trek back home where a nice glass of wine and a captivating script awaited me.