Chapter 23

Mona

I sat in my living room, staring at the package I’d picked up from the drugstore a few minutes earlier. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. It felt ridiculous. It felt impossible. It felt so unlikely, but there was no getting out from under the fact that my period was several days late when, normally, I was as regular as they came. That could only mean one thing.

I tried to calm myself. There were lots of reasons my period could be running late. It could be hormonal, or it could be that I’d been stressed lately and not getting as much sleep or food as I perhaps should have been. It could have been any of those things, and yet, ever since I’d got the idea in my head, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was, in fact, pregnant.

It was the kind of story they deliver as a cautionary tale to people getting into the business. Recent graduate who doesn’t know any better lands a low-level job at a prestigious firm. She hooks up with the boss, multiple times. She lets herself fall for him, despite telling herself over and over again that there’s nothing serious going on between them. She gets pregnant and has to give up her career for the baby she will undoubtedly raise by herself.

Ugh, it all felt like such a mess, and I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to wander so blindly into this predicament.

When I arrived home, Katya was there, dawdling around before she headed off for her shift for the day. She eyed me with suspicion, and it was clear she could see there was something wrong.

“What’s up?” she demanded, and I looked up at her with my finest, innocent expression.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, look at you.”

She waved her hand in my general direction.

“You look like hell.”

“Well, thanks,” I teased, my voice a little shaky.

She was right. If anyone got up close to me, they could see the bags under my eyes from all those nights spent tossing and turning in my bed and the rumpled state of my clothes. I’d failed to keep on top of my cleaning because it had just seemed like way too much, on top of everything else. But the way I looked was the last thing on my mind.

“You know what I mean.”

She took a step forward, examining me.

“Are you alright?”

“Don’t you have a shift to get to?” I pointed out, hoping she would take the hint, but she had never been good at that.

“I can be a little late,” she said. “Seriously, is there something you want to talk about?”

I’d opened and closed my mouth, trying to form the words, but I just couldn’t do it. What would I say to her? That she was right about Oliver, that I ended up with nothing but a broken heart to show for my troubles, and now maybe a baby too?

“Oh, honey.”

She leaned over and gave me a quick hug.

“If you don’t want to talk about it now, how about when I get back from work? I’ll bring us some beers and we can relax and catch up.”

“No beers,” I replied quickly. “Uh, thanks, but I think I’m going to get an early night tonight, so I won’t be up when you get back.”

“Okay.” She looked me up and down again. “But try and relax, right? Actually, get some rest. You’ve been spending far too much time at work lately.”

“I guess,” I offered weakly in response.

“Though, with good reason, huh?”

She nudged me playfully, and I managed a half smile. It seemed to be good enough for her.

“Okay,” she announced. “I’m out of here, but I’ll see you soon.”

She pecked a quick kiss on my cheek and ducked out the door. I crumpled to the floor as soon as she was gone. It felt as though my legs had been ripped out from beneath me, my entire body just giving in to gravity.

I couldn’t handle this. I couldn’t handle any of it. I hated feeling this way, so helpless and pathetic. I spent my whole life building myself up to be this powerful, in-control woman. Now, here I was, sitting on the floor of my apartment, trying to psyche myself into taking a pregnancy test. I was lying to my roommate about how heartbroken hooking up with my boss had left me because I was still too stubborn to let her know she was right.

I felt tears begin to fill my eyes and dashed them away angrily with the back of my hand. No, I didn’t get to feel sorry for myself like that. I was a grown woman with a life and decisions I had to make, and besides, I didn’t even know for sure if I was pregnant yet.

I knew one thing, though, and that was even if I turned out not to be pregnant, I would still have to deal with the fact Oliver was seeing his other women. I was just one in a rotation, a meaningless distraction that he could smuggle into work, right underneath everyone’s noses.

No wonder he wanted to keep things quiet. If he’d let me talk about it openly, it might have gotten back to one of the fancy women who he actually took out on dates.

I could see why he wouldn’t want to fuck that up. He would probably go on to settle down with a woman like that, and I’d be nothing more than a notch on his belt, one of his secretaries who he’d fucked because he could.

Maybe I’d be the one desperately calling his new assistant, warning her of him while she did her best not to let her incredulity show through the phone. How many had there been before me and Jeannie? Were we both just part of a long line of women who had worked for Oliver who he liked to lord his power over and fuck?

The thought made me physically ill – unless it was just morning sickness. Fuck.

I grabbed the bag that contained all the stuff I’d picked up from the drugstore. I didn’t want to look too obvious, so I picked up some other items too. Overturning the paper bag, some q-tips, tampons, and the big, pinkish box containing the pregnancy test fell out onto my lap.

I brushed everything else aside and picked up the box. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes, forcing myself to my feet and making my way to the bathroom slowly, as though I could somehow put this off if I just prolonged the inevitable.

I stepped into the bathroom, took a deep breath, and did what I had to do. I perched myself on the edge of the tub and stared intently at the small strip of plastic in my hands, the one that would determine what my future was going to look like.

I had never even thought about having a baby before this. I was pretty sure I wanted kids, but I didn’t know if I wanted them now, and I knew for certain I didn’t want to be raising them without knowing their father was at least going to be a part of their life, even if he wasn’t with me.

With Oliver so invested in the business and all the women he had in his orbit, why would he bother doing more than the bare minimum when it came to this child? But maybe…

As I waited for the pregnancy test to declare my fate, one way or the other, I allowed my mind to wander a little bit. What if it was different? What if we were actually… together? Would he want this baby?

He was so much older than me. Surely, if he’d wanted to settle down, he would have done it by now. Nothing I could do was going to change that, but maybe he’d just been waiting for the right time and the right person. Maybe he would want the baby. It was possible, wasn’t it?

I flipped the pregnancy test back and forth in my hand. The sound it made as it slapped against my hand distracted me a little. I tilted my head back and stared at the ceiling, the bright light burning my eyes and blurring my vision. I didn’t want to see the results. Did I want it to be negative or would I be disappointed that I wasn’t having Oliver’s baby.

We’d been so careful. We’d never once not used a condom, and I couldn’t remember ever feeling it break. If I had, I would have picked up the morning after pill. He’d always been insistent on using protection. If this had happened, it was just a fluke.

It would be different if I didn't cared for him so much. I could have dealt with it myself. But I did care for him, desperately and deeply. There was no getting away from that. I had fallen for him. It was impossible not to.

I reminded myself that he didn’t feel the same way. If he did, he wouldn’t be going out with those women, all those appointments laid out his schedule. It was a miracle he had time for it all.

How long before he grew tired of me? Weeks, months? And what then? Would I be fired? Would he keep me on and force me to go back to being his assistant?

The thought of that was brutal after what we’d shared. I’d have to just put aside all the memories of the time we’d spent together, and pretend none of it had mattered to me.

I looked down at the pregnancy test in my hand and inhaled deeply through my nose as I waited for my eyes to focus. And when they did, my heart skipped and dropped at the same time.

I was pregnant.