That night, after a tense and fairly quiet dinner of roast chicken and vegetables and homemade rolls, I helped Oma wash up after dinner. I read a book, curled up in front of the fire, while she watched some television show about baking. When it was a reasonable time to go to bed, I announced my intentions and went upstairs. I changed into my pajamas and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for signs that Oma had done the same. What seemed to be days later, I heard her come upstairs and enter her bedroom. After several minutes, the house was quiet and as dark as a tomb. So, I crawled under the covers and laid down in bed. I closed my eyes, making sure that I didn’t drift off as I waited.
Almost like a dog, it seemed to turn in place a few times before settling down, curling up behind my legs. If I knew that Oma had a cat or dog, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal—it would almost be sweet. But Oma denied having any pets, I hadn’t seen any pets, and my door was closed. How the hell would a pet have gotten into the room anyway? This thing in bed with me didn’t belong there and I had to know what was going on. I held my breath for the space of a few breaths, then I leaped into action. I tossed the covers off and over the creature by my legs.
Squirming and thrashing, the creature created a whirlwind of movement under the comforter, as I leaped on top of it, wrapping it up in the blanket like a hobo’s kerchief. Whatever was inside the blanket was strong, but it was small, and even though I wasn’t at my ideal weight, it was no match for me. I laid on top of it as it wore itself out.
“Gotcha ya’ little shit,” I whispered down at the bundle of covers.
It thrashed once more within the blanket as I twisted the covers up and pulled it off of the bed. The thing weighed no more than a medium sized dog, but as it thrashed again in my arms, I almost dropped it. Wrapping my arms tightly around the bundle, I went to the bedroom door and threw it open. I marched down the hall, thrashing bundle of blankets in my arms, to Oma’s bedroom. I didn’t even knock, I just kicked the door open and entered.
Oma sat up in bed and flipped the light on in a panic.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Oma gasped, sitting up quickly in bed.
“Don’t have any pets, do ya’?” I sneered at her and marched over to the foot of her bed.
I threw the bundle down on the bed.
“What the hell is that?” She growled.
“Oh, you know what it is, lady.” I snapped. “And we’re about to see it together.”
I grabbed an edge of the blanket bundle and whipped it open. Oma gasped as a tiny body tumbled out of the bundle and landed on top of her legs over the covers. My eyes grew wide as I looked down at the little humanoid creature. It looked almost like a House Elf out of Harry Potter, except it was wearing normal clothes. Small clothes that maybe belonged to a German peasant, but normal clothes. And its skin more of a human shade. For all intents and purposes, I was looking at a miniature human…but not.
“Goddamnit, Ernst!” Oma bellowed.
The creature popped to its feet, its head whipping back and forth rapidly between myself and Oma.
“Ernst?” I was incredulous.
The creature on the bed looked scandalized. And a little pissed.
“Why’d you keep going into his damn room!” Oma swatted at the creature, which it barely avoided. “I told you to stay out of there not two hours ago!”
“I’m sawwy Mrs. Wagner.” The creature spoke in a high-pitched voice. “His room be the warmest, ‘tis all.”
“That’s no reason to keep fucking around, is it?” She growled at the little humanoid. “I oughta…”
The creature ducked down, expecting another swat.
“Excuse me?!” I bellowed. “What the fuck is going on? What is that thing?”
The creature turned its head violently towards me with a snarl.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” I growled down at the creature. “You don’t mind curling up next to my ass to sleep without permission, but you’re offended?”
What the hell was I even doing? I was talking to this…thing…like it was the most natural thing in the world. Oma swatted at, I guess, “Ernst” again, which he managed to mostly avoid, though her fingers slapped against him.
“I didn’t mean no harm, Mrs. Wagner,” Ernst responded, prancing about the bed anxiously. “It’s cold ‘tis all.”
“That ain’t no excuse, Ernst.” Oma threw the covers off of herself. “If you’d just fucking listen to me then—”
“Both of you shut the hell up!” I screeched, my face turning red. “I want some damn answers about what is going on in this house and what that…thing…is and why it’s been curling up to me nearly every night since I got here!”
Oma and Ernst both looked up at me, parts chastened and parts irritated.
“This is Ernst,” Oma said simply.
Ernst waved a tiny hand impishly.
“I figured that part out, ya’ crazy old bat!”
“Ya’ don’ have much fat on ya’, sir.” Ernst peeped. ”Ya’ put off alotta heat. ‘Tis warm in your bed.”
“Um, thanks?” I snorted down at the creature.
“You’re welcome.” He nodded, a stern look on his face. “But if ya’ wrap me up in a blanket one more time—”
I swung my arm back as though to strike him.
Ernst flinched. Yeah. He was a real badass.
“Well, don’t hit him for God’s sake!” Oma screeched.
“What. Is. That. Thing?” I asked again.
“He’s Ernst.” Oma reiterated.
When the expression on my face let both Oma and Ernst know that this was not an adequate, nor acceptable response, Oma continued.
“He’s a Kobold.” Oma waved her hand in the air as though that explained everything about Ernst.
Ernst bowed an introduction.
I just stared at them.
They stared back.
“Oh, fuck me silly.” I slapped a hand to my forehead. “That explains everything, doesn’t it? Ernst is a Kobold. How stupid of me to worry about him crawling up my ass each night to sleep.”
“I didn’t crawl up his ass,” Ernst spoke to Oma out of the corner of his mouth.
I frowned at him.
“A Kobold is a household spirit.” Oma rolled her eyes. “They do chores and mostly keep to themselves.”
“In the shadows?” I barked.
“Well, fine, yes.” Oma shrugged.
“We also are expert pranksters.” Ernst peeped proudly.
I glared down at him.
“He won’t bother you none sleepin’ in your bed,” Oma added.
I was apoplectic.
“Stay out of my room, Ernest!” I jabbed a finger at him.
Green light flashed through the room and Ernst was propelled off of the bed and through the doorway into Oma’s bathroom. Oma gasped and then the room filled with silence. After a heartbeat, I heard scurrying in the bathroom and Ernst was gone. I turned my head to look at Oma. She was looking at me in horror as my hand hung in the air, my finger pointed at the bed. What had just happened?
“What the fuck did you do that for?!?” Oma screeched.
“What did I do?” I asked her with wide eyes.
“You just blasted Ernst’s ass into the bathroom is what you did, ya’ idjit!”
“What?”
“Put your damn finger down, Robbie!” She commanded.
Slowly, I lowered my hand. Had that green light come from…me? The same color of green light that had awoken me two nights in a row? Or had I been dreaming? I wasn’t so sure of anything.
“You don’t treat the Kobolds like that, damnit!”
“Kobolds?” I leaned in angrily. “Ernst isn’t the only critter in this damn house?”
“He’s not a critter, and no, there’s a few others.”
“How many?” I demanded.
Oma chewed at her lip.
“How many, damnit?”
“Well, there’s Ernst, Hans, Oskar, Felix, and Lena.” She counted off on her fingers. “So, five, I guess.”
“There are five of those things wandering around here?” I jabbed my finger at the bathroom.
“Put your damn finger down, Robbie!” Oma screeched again.
I put my finger down but I glared at her.
“You’re crazy.” I admonished her. “And you’ve been trying to make me feel like I’m the crazy one.”
“I’m not crazy!”
“You’ve got miniature people…things…Kobolds…living in your house, creeping around, curling up to sleep with me, doing laundry, making beds, scrubbing floors…”
“Oh.” Oma blushed. “Figure that out did ya’?”
“I always wondered how some crazy old woman kept this house so damn sparkling clean. I guess Ernst gave me the answer!”
“I suppose…”
“Is that what they all look like?”
“Sometimes.” She admitted hesitantly. “They can look like other things sometimes.”
“Pranksters?” I barked at her. “Was it one of those things I pulled out of the lake last night?”
Oma chewed at her lip.
“Well?!”
“Well, I don’t know!” She bellowed back, though the blush deepened in her cheeks. “I mean, it’s possible.”
“Possible—or probable?”
She was chewing at her damn lip again.
“Great, Oma.” I lost all of my fight and deflated. “One of your little household Gremlins nearly caused me to die of hypothermia and tra-la-la must be a Tuesday, right?”
“That’s not—”
“You keep those things out of my goddamn room while I’m here,” I demanded. “Which won’t be much damn longer! I’m sick of this shit, old woman!”
I turned.
“Where the hell are you going?”
“Back to my room,” I growled. “Tomorrow…I don’t know. I’m sick of your lies and bullshit.”
Spinning back around, I glared at her.
“How could you, Oma?” I demanded of her. “You let me stay here, thinking I’m crazy, that I was seeing things…who would do that to their grandson? That’s fucking sick.”
“Would you have believed me if I told you that werewolves and Kobolds and…other things…are real, Robbie?” She snapped. “Or would that have made me some crazy old lady?”
“Oh, you’re crazy all right.”
“You ain’t seein’ this from my side.”
“You absolutely aren’t seeing it from mine, Oma!” I stomped my foot again but kept my finger down. “I’ve never felt right. I’ve always felt something was off about everything. Especially when I was younger. And you just let me go on feeling like that without giving me a hint about all of these other things going on around me all the time. That’s fucking sick!”
“What—”
“The only time I felt normal was when I was in Hollywood, doing my job. I mean, yeah, that has its own fucked up things, but I knew what those things were. Here—I don’t have the first clue what is real and what isn’t. And you don’t tell me unless I throw it on your bed in the middle of the night.”
“Okay.” Oma rolled her eyes. “Just settle down now.”
“Why would I do you that kindness?!”
“Because you’re my goddamn grandson, and for better or for worse, I’ve always tried to do the best by you that I could, that’s why, ya’ little asshole!”
I glowered at my grandmother as she sat in her bed, the covers tossed back. She looked so small and, for once, elderly, as she sat there, her cheeks red with embarrassment.
“I have so many questions and I don’t even know which one to ask first, Oma.” I sighed.
“Well, I don’t know where to begin either.” She exhaled tiredly.
I stared at her for a moment, unsure of how to proceed.
“I’m going back to bed,” I said simply. “Keep…Ernst…and any of those others out of my room. Please.”
“I don’t think you’ll have to worry after blasting his ass into the bathroom.”
She kept her eye rolls and head waggles to herself. Points for Oma.
I nodded and left.