Trent
Love is patient. Love is kind.
That’s what they say.
They also say love doesn’t take; love only gives.
While those words are beautiful, they aren’t true.
Love does take.
Loving someone takes strength.
Love takes hard work.
And sometimes…
Love takes sacrifice.
I remember thinking, feeling the only thing worse than being with Drew was being without him.
I still felt that way, but tonight showed me that was selfish. Really loving someone meant loving them more than yourself, and I did.
I loved Drew so much. I loved him more than I did myself.
So this was hard. Harder than anything I’d ever known in my entire life. I didn’t know if it was right, but it was all I had left to give. Drew already had my heart. My body would never want another. I would always love him.
My love was dangerous.
So I would have to love him from afar.
It seemed the only thing left to give him was safety. A promise to put him before myself. Always.
I would take a hundred beatings for the privilege of loving him. I would withstand ridicule, prejudice, and even hate to keep him at my side.
What I wouldn’t do was ask the same of him. I would not put him in danger for the sake of my heart. Or even his heart. The thought of anyone doing anything even close to this to Drew was more than I could bear.
Society talked a good talk. They passed laws and preached to anyone who would listen. They painted rainbows as if that symbol would somehow make everything okay.
Love is love.
People are free to be who they are.
Gay love is beautiful.
I wished it were that simple. Because even though as a whole, the world wants to accept the kind of love I feel, we weren’t there yet.
I almost felt like it was the same as putting an animal in the middle of the street and saying it would be safe. Maybe it would be for some drivers, but not all.
Did that mean I let them win?
Did that mean by pushing Drew away, the only ones who lost were us?
How did I make that distinction? How did I choose my happiness over his safety?
It wasn’t so cut and dry.
Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
“What are you saying, Trent?” Drew asked, wariness in his tone.
I pulled my arm from around his waist and brushed my knuckles across the side of his face.
I’m going to miss this scruff.
“I love you,” I vowed.
“You do?” He smiled.
“Yeah. I love you with everything I got.”
Ignoring the protest in my ribs, I leaned forward and claimed his lips. I kissed him soft at first, gentle and sweet. The kiss changed the second his tongue swept across my lower lip, like he was trying to soothe the swollen flesh.
My hand fisted at the back of his head, and we deepened the kiss. Drew hesitated at first, but I wouldn’t let him pull back. I wouldn’t let him worry about if it would hurt.
I was already hurting.
From far worse pain than a busted lip.
I devoured his mouth until he ripped it away.
“You’re bleeding again.” He swiped at my bottom lip with his thumb and lifted it between us. There was red marring his skin.
“I’m sorry,” I said, for more than just the blood.
Drew wiped his finger on his shirt and then wiped at my lip again, repeating the same action.
“I love you, too,” he whispered, and I knew it was true. I felt it.
“We’re gonna deal with those bastards at Omega.” He began. “Now that the family knows, you can move in here. Things will get easier—”
“No.” I cut him off.
He pulled back, wrinkles forming in the center of his forehead. “No?”
I shook my head. “I can’t do this.” I gestured between us. “Being together isn’t going to work.”
He leapt of the bed, an incredulous look in his eyes. “The fuck do you mean we aren’t going to work?”
Just say it.
“We can’t be together. I won’t be with you.”
He laughed, a half-crazed sound. “You just told me you love me.”
“I do,” I whispered.
“Is this because of tonight?” he yelled. “Because some assholes jumped you? You’re going to let them win!”
I had no doubt the entire house could hear him yell. But I didn’t tell him to be quiet. If they heard, it would save me from having to say this twice.
“You’re a pussy!” Drew roared.
I stiffened. Everything in me revolted. “I’m a realist!” I yelled and pushed off the headboard. I jabbed my finger at him in the air. “What are you gonna do, huh?” I went on, relentless. “You gonna go to Omega and kick a bunch of ass? Show them you don’t give a flying fuck what they think?”
He started to say something, and I stood. It hurt to straighten to my full height, but I did it anyway.
“What then?” I challenged. “What happens the next time someone hates on me for loving you? What happens when it’s you lying in a parking lot instead of me?”
The last part completely drained me. I sagged forward.
Drew was there, his strong body offering support. “Sit down.” He nudged me gently. “Come on. You need to chill.”
I let him help me back into bed. I was so tired.
“Don’t ask me to do that,” I pleaded with him. “Don’t ask me to wonder every time you leave the house if you’re going to be someone’s victim. Don’t ask me to watch you get torn apart in the media for your relationship with a man.”
“We don’t know that will happen.” He tried to reason. “Emily thinks it will help my career.”
“Emily isn’t the one in love with you. I am. I’m not going to exploit the fact I fell in love with my best friend to sell magazines.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“And I don’t expect you to lie.” I rubbed a hand over my head and made a sound. “I don’t want to sneak around. I don’t want to pretend I’m just your manager when really you’re my entire world.”
“So you’re breaking up with me?” He pulled back, hurt and pain in his expression.
I looked away. “Yeah.”
“No.”
My head shot up. “No?” I couldn’t help it. I was amused.
“I don’t accept that. I don’t break up with you.”
“You don’t have a choice.” My voice was final. My decision was made.
“If you love me as much as you say you do, then fight,” he challenged.
“This is me fighting. Fighting to keep you safe.”
“Fuck my protection!” Drew roared and shot across the room. The sound of a heavy thud and the cracking of drywall made me wince.
He yanked his arm back, pulling his fist out of the hole he just made in the wall. His knuckles were bloody.
Ignoring the blood, he stormed across the room and snatched something off his dresser. He threw it on the bed. It landed with a thud between my legs.
“Ask that,” he huffed.
I picked up the magic eight ball I’d given him. “Ask it what?”
“Ask it if we should be together. Let’s let fate decide.”
My fingers tightened around the ball. “I already did,” I said miserably.
“What?”
“You asked me before if I asked it a question.”
“You said no.”
“I lied. I asked it if we should be together. It said ‘all signs point to no.’”
He laughed, but it wasn’t with humor. “It’s a dumb toy. It doesn’t know anything.”
“Yet here we are.”
Drew’s head snapped back like I punched him. “It took me months and months and months to finally admit to myself how much I cared about you. In one week, the one goddamned week we’ve been together, I learned all those months of agony were worth it. I’d do it all again to end up here.”
My heart hurt. It felt like someone was physically ripping it in half.
“So no, Trent. No.” He went on. “We aren’t over. We’ve only just begun.”
He was beautiful. A fucking beautiful, stubborn man.
I’d love him for the rest of my life.
And then I’d love him longer.
“I’m tired.” I didn’t have to pretend to be weary. I turned my face away from him, refusing to look in his eyes.
“Trent.”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain in his voice.
When he realized I wasn’t going to turn back, an angry sound ripped from his chest. The door to the room banged against the wall when he flung it open and stormed out.
The second I was alone, I crumbled. My strength to push him away dissolved, and I was left lying there a bruised and broken mess.
The eight ball was still clutched in my hand, and I pulled it into my chest.
My resolve wavered. His hurt and open heart made me think I was wrong. I glanced down at the toy and blinked to clear my vision.
Ask it one more time.
One final decision.
Is this what my life had come to? Relying on a toy to decide my future?
I didn’t know what was right anymore. I was confused. Maybe it wasn’t just a toy deciding for me. Maybe it was like Drew said.
Maybe it was fate.
Fate knew what it was doing. Right?
I lifted the ball and gave it a good shake. “Should Drew and I be together?”
I turned it over in my hand so the window was facing up.
The small triangle inside bounced around and floated to the surface.
This was it.
My answer.
My fate.
The Finish Line… For Now
GearShark Issue #2 coming soon