Chapter 23
Zack’s family always expressed a modicum of surprise when he showed up to a semi-formal function dressed in a collared shirt and closed-toe shoes. But when Eloise left a text that morning saying, “You WILL come to the family dinner tonight, and you WILL dress nicely,” Zack decided he wasn’t in the mood to fight it.
He could have come down with something at the last minute, of course, but if the rumors were true, his oldest brother Daniel was gearing up to propose to his long-time girlfriend during dessert. Like hell he was missing that spectacle!
“Great mercy from the Lord on high.” Eloise closed her hands around her son’s face the moment they bumped into each other in the main hall. “You even shaved.”
“And used aftershave.”
“You become slightly less barbaric with every year you survive.” His mother’s sharp nails grazed his skin when she pulled away. “There may be hope for you yet.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
She gestured for him to join the rest of the Feldman clan in the front living room. And the Walken family, who of course was in attendance that night after hearing the same rumors about their daughter and Daniel.
“Portia,” Zack said, taking the matriarch’s hands into his own and exchanging kisses. “Stuart.” He shook the portly man’s hand. Only customary to greet the guests to his family home before receiving a slap to his back from his brother Evan and an exasperated look from Daniel on the other side of the room. “And, of course, Janet.”
Daniel’s fiancée-to-be wore her name well. She was a diabolical mix of classically sophisticated and pleasantly fresh, having studied at the best all girls’ boarding school in Europe while partying with the rest of New York’s elite. Her naturally curly, dark auburn hair rested effortlessly on her shoulders and crept down her gangly arms. Her black dress hugged the few curves she had, but her sex appeal was more in the expressive amber eyes she used to peruse the room. Even Zack was momentarily captivated every time he exchanged kisses to the cheek with his future sister-in-law and the destined future matriarch of all things Feldman. I don’t think I could have picked better for my brother. Portia and Eloise had conspired the relationship when both of their children were in college. Eloise was keen to get the Walkens’ New York money into the family coffers and Portia’s Italian features into the genepool. (They were fashionable again. All the matchmakers in New York encouraged it.) And, of course, Portia wanted to solidify her family’s connection to other parts of America while getting her daughter’s hand into every Feldman asset. Neither family had anything to lose and everything to gain.
“So nice to see you, Zack.” Janet lowered her hands and stood close to her partner. They’re living together, right? Wait, no, not officially. The uptight Catholic Walkens opposed premarital relations on paper, although they looked the other way whenever Daniel whisked their only daughter to a tropical island or a weekend romantic getaway to Paris. They drew the line at formal cohabitation, however.
God help me if I end up with a woman from a family like that. Daniel and Janet had been together for years. Daniel must really love her to put up with that.
The family ambled into the formal dining room and helped themselves to their assigned seats at the large 12-person table in front of the Georgian windows overlooking the greenest acreage that side of the river. The “humble” manor had been built by Zack’s grandfather during the depression when labor was cheap and some of the materials cheaper. What remained – after countless remodels through the decades – was an early 20th century throwback that was the envy of every architectural and home and garden magazine looking for their next cover photo. Sometimes Eloise humbled them with a brief tour if the lighting was good. Otherwise, she locked the double-doors and pretended to be a princess in her tower in no need of rescuing.
Four men at the table had been raised in this house. Isaiah was the most recent to take up residence in the master bedroom, but it was heavily implied that Daniel and Janet would one day raise their own children in this house. (Evan was keen to get a condo in Hong Kong and a flat in New York, anyway. Nobody cared what Zack wanted, property wise.) Only step to take now was to make the engagement official.
Soup was served. Zack covertly checked his phone beneath the table while family conversed around him. Like I care what they’re talking about. Stocks. Traveling around Europe. Which New York hotel was worth its salt those days. How hard it was to find good help anymore? “Where has all the good Slavic labor gone?” Portia lamented between courses. “Used to be we could find the best Slavic maids and nannies for half the cost of Mediterranean or Filipino! Sometimes I wish the USSR would come back and make those people desperate for American jobs again!” The only one cringing at the table – besides Zack, of course – was Isaiah, who probably wondered if some distant relative of theirs had ever worked for a family like the Walkens.
“So, Zack,” Evan interjected before Portia could start ranting about her Guatemalan gardener, “what’s this I hear about you having a new girlfriend?”
The female half of the table rolled their eyes. The male half turned their heads.
Including Zack, who looked to his father for help.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Zack said when Isaiah remained mum.
“That’s the best thing about being the youngest boy of three,” Stuart chuckled. He was the oldest of three sons, both brothers having founded their own companies in New York. “You get to live life to the fullest. Enjoy it. I know I envied my youngest brother since he was born!”
“Yes,” Eloise cut in. “Zachary has been quite spoiled compared to his brothers. The only pressure put on him is to be devilishly handsome and charming.” She said that with no admiration. “Unlike poor Daniel over there. You know!”
The two mothers shared laughter over an inside joke. Janet stifled her own giggles with her hand. Daniele sighed. Zack had a feeling this had to do with the expected proposal.
Daniel got up and excused himself for a few minutes. “I’m going to check on dessert,” he said, barely loud enough for his girlfriend and mother to hear.
They exchanged excited glances. Daniel, on the other hand, looked like he was about to vomit as he raced into the anteroom to the kitchen.
Isaiah kicked his son’s foot beneath the table. When Zack looked in his direction, his father curtly nodded before jerking his head toward the kitchen doors.
Why me? This was a job for Evan. Those two were much closer than Zack was with either of his brothers!
Nevertheless, when his father asked him to do something, Zack was inclined to do it. No skin off his back if he went into the kitchen and gave his big brother a pep talk.
“Yoooo.” Zack swung the door open wide and found Daniel leaning against an empty counter. The main kitchen beyond another pair of doors rumbled with clattering pots and chefs barking in French to one another. Of course they called in the French chefs for tonight’s party. The usual Feldman chef was a Russian woman whose dark gray eyes spoke more than her clipped words. But she made a mean spaghetti and meatballs. “What’s up?”
“Who sent you in?” Daniel snapped. “Mom or Dad?”
“Dad.”
Daniel released his pent up breath. “Guessing you’ve heard what’s going on.”
“Only if it has to do with you proposing to Janet in front of both families.”
Zack’s brother reached into his front jacket pocket and pulled out a diamond ring. “I’ve had this thing for ten months.”
“Jesus. What’s taken you this long to propose? You really think she’s going to say no? Or are you really that chickenshit about getting married to a woman you’re going to Heaven with anyway?”
“I’m more scared of the big Catholic wedding they’re going to make me go through. That shit’s no joke.” Daniel put the ring back into his pocket. “No. I was going to propose when we went to Cabo last month. I only got the ring months ago because I found the perfect one in some German shop when I went there for work. Vintage. Janet loves vintage and Bavarian anything. Guess what part of Germany I was in?”
“Yeah, yeah, Bavaria’s got chocolate.” Zack joined his brother at the table. “So what kept you from proposing last month?”
“Mom found out right before the trip. I had told Dad and you know he can’t keep a damn secret from her.”
“Boy, tell me about it.”
Daniel shook his head. “She convinced me that I had to do it in front of her family.” His voice raised into a harpy’s tone. “Come on, Daniel, you know those Walkens wouldn’t approve of you proposing to Janet in secret!”
“That sounds like her.”
“This whole night is scripted. I’m supposed to stand up and make a grand gesture of asking Janet to marry me in front of everyone.”
“Yeah, we know.”
“See! It’s not even a surprise!”
“What’s bothering you more? Doing it publicly or losing the spontaneity?”
Daniel didn’t answer either of those questions. “Why do you care? Admit it, you came for a spectacle after Mother insisted you drag your ass here.”
“I care because…”
The doors flew open again. Evan sauntered in, adjusting his dinner jacket and shaking his head at the sight of his brothers already bickering like schoolchildren. “What a mess,” he said with a harsh sigh. “Time for the middle child to save the day again.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Janet’s panicking that you’re running out before you can finish the damn job. Get your ass out there and propose to her before her mother starts blaming this on the Venezuelan government. God! Good luck with that as your mother-in-law.”
“Why do you think I’m hesitating?”
The three of them lined up against the counter. The second French chef popped out with a large stainless steel pot in his hands. He did a double-take at the three Feldman brothers before serving dessert in the dining room. Daniel cursed beneath his breath.
“Shut up, Dan. You’re the hashtag-winner of this ragtag bunch.” It was that fast mouth that got Evan deals, but it was also the same mouth that often drove Zack crazy at these family dinners. “I’m too busy for a girlfriend and Zack here can’t be assed to get a steady one.”
“’Scuse me?” Zack said.
“Whatever, Zack. Trying to make a point to our big brother.”
“I’ll have you know that I do in fact have a girlfriend.”
Both of his brothers gaped at him. “You fucking liar,” Evan said. “You told us that you didn’t.”
“You believed me?”
“Yeah, because you never do. Who is it? The girl from the tabloid?”
“Thanks to that picture, I’m never going in that guestroom again.”
Zack scoffed. “Like you and Janet haven’t banged each other’s brains out in every room of that house.”
“Janet and me? No. But I lost my virginity in the master bedroom. With Susan Kingsman, by the way. You know, the one who’s an actress now?”
“Now you’re the liar. No way you slept with Susie, let alone lost your virginity to her.”
“Oh, yeah? Why makes you so sure of that?”
Zack crossed his arms. “’Cause when I slept with her, she acted like she had no idea who you were.”
“That’s Susie for you.”
Evan smacked his hand against the counter. “Mother must hate this girl you’re dating if you’re hiding it from the table. So it’s got to be the girl form the tabloids.” Evan nudged his brother’s shoulder. “If it’s not her, could you give me her number? ‘Cause she looks talented.”
“You shut your fucking mouth before I pop it closed for you.”
“Ah, it’s her.” Evan leaned forward and flashed Daniel a winner’s grin. “Our baby brother’s got it bad for a girl.”
“Good. You go out there and propose to your girlfriend for me, Zack. I’d prefer to wait until Janet and I get home.”
“And make Mom vomit at the dinner table?”
“Damn, she hates this girl that much?”
“When those pics came out, she hunted me down at my yacht…”
“Holy shit, she hates the marina!”
“…and demanded to know who it was. She’s never done anything like that before.” Eloise was more the passive-aggressive type, leaving terrible voicemails on her son’s phone or using the family PR rep to have a chat with the youngest Feldman boy. “Then she showed up at a lunch that was supposed to be between Dad, me, and Rachel.”
“Rachel? Nice Old Testament name there,” Evan said. “Surprised Mom’s not champing at the bit to get you two married.”
“The Feldsteins may rise again,” Daniel sighed. “’Cause I’m looking at a long road of Catholic marriage counseling and promises to only have sex to make babies.”
“Wait until Mom finds out Janet has an IUD.”
“How do you know about that?”
“You told me when you were balls to the wall drunk, Dan. Said you practically cried when you could go bareback for the first time after three years of dating her.”
Zack couldn’t stand it. Brotherly banter had never been his strong suit, no matter how much he loved some good guy talk. But that was different with his friends. These were his older, golden-child brothers. They may rib him like brothers often did, but it wasn’t out of anything but a deep love for competition. Daniel always had to be the first to do or get something, and Evan always one-upped him. Zack couldn’t stand playing those games. It didn’t help that Daniel and Evan were only separated by three years while Zack was a distant five years behind Evan. They were practically a different generation from him.
“Anyway, check it out, Dan. Our baby brother is hiding his girlfriend from Mom. And probably Dad, since Dad narks.”
“I can’t imagine you having an actual girlfriend, Zack. Thought you were going to be the Uncle Roy of our generation.”
Zack drummed against the counter. “It’s not serious with her. We’re more like friends with benefits.”
They both studied the way their youngest brother kept his face as complacent as possible. “You’re a dirty liar,” Evan said. “You’re going to get married before I do.”
“Fuck that, he might get married before me.” Daniel narrowed his eyes into a scowl. “Because he has the luxury of fucking off to Vegas, whereas I’ll have to drag out my engagement for a whole year so we can do the society rounds and plan the biggest wedding of summer ’18.”
“It’s going to be a great year for the Met!”
“I’m not getting married,” Zack insisted. “And I’m not…”
A commotion erupted in the dining room, summoning all three boys from the anteroom and into utter chaos.
Uncle Roy, remarkably dressed in pants and a plain T-shirt, had been shown into the dining room by the head maid. Why wouldn’t she let him in, when this was a big family night and Eloise had proclaimed more than once that she would not turn her husband’s brother away?
Uncle Roy wasn’t really the problem. The commotion was because of who he brought.
Lorelei Weathersby, the long lost illegitimate sister of Isaiah and Elroy Feldman. Apparently, he had chosen tonight to make the big announcement. To everyone. Including Isaiah, who had yet to hear about this.
At least Daniel got one of his wishes. While everyone was distracted by big news and bigger scandals, he covertly slipped the vintage Bavarian ring onto Janet’s finger and got her out of there as quickly as possible. The Walkens soon followed, turning their noses up at the scandal erupting beneath the Feldmans’ roof.
Before Eloise could demand that her youngest son tell her what the hell was going on, he received a text from Rachel. “I’m going out with this woman tonight. I’ll check in at ten one way or another. I gave Parvati the same info. Hope you’re having a good night.” It was followed with a picture and the address of where they were going.
Zack couldn’t wait to bail on this party.