CHAPTER 03 - MALLORY
Last night, before Club Vapor…
“Are you sure about this guy?” I asked, looking up from my magazine. The cover article promising me ’35 more ways to drive him wild in bed’ had ultimately been far less instructive or even compelling than I’d hoped.
Some definitely creative ways to use one’s tongue, no doubt, but nothing that jumped off the page in the rock-his-world department.
I guess I’d have to find bedroom tips somewhere else, at least for now. At least the quiz had been fun — apparently I’m more of a Miranda than I thought. Moreover, the outfits looked pretty.
Sighing, I picked up my phone from the pillow next to me. The screen lit up to show me that, try as it might, it couldn’t find any new messages for me.
“Thanks for nothing, Todd,” I whispered to the phone. Shockingly, it had no reply. I put it back down, exasperated. It had been way too long since I’d heard from him.
I knew what that meant, and it wasn’t new to me, but it still hurt. Every time it happened it was like a fresh cut. Why were there no more normal men? Were they going extinct? Did we need a conservation effort? An endangered list?
I was sitting in Kelly’s bedroom in her apartment, just down the hall from mine. It was early Friday night, and I’d been hoping against hope to hear from Todd, though by now even if he’d wanted to get together I would have refused on principle.
I wasn’t that kind of girl and I hoped he knew it. I went back over the date in my head, wondering where I could have given off the easy vibe. Kelly was in the bathroom, getting herself dolled up. She’d been humming to herself all afternoon and it was driving me up the wall.
I was pretty sure she couldn’t hear me, but I looked at the bathroom doorway just in case. I loved her, but felt a pang of jealousy at how happy she was.
Apparently Kelly did hear me. “I’ve been telling you about him all week. I know you’ve heard me. Don’t do that. You’re coming with me,” she called. She knew! I couldn’t figure out how she did that.
Moms like to say they’ve got “eyes in the back of their heads” to corral and contain misbehaving children; Kelly must have ears growing all over the place. That or microphones hidden in the walls. I looked around, but couldn’t find any. That didn’t mean they weren’t around. It wasn’t paranoia if they were really out to get you, right?
She sounded exasperated already, like she knew this was coming and had planned in advance. Gulp, she was onto me. Was I that transparent?
I’d have to get some new material because clearly I was becoming predictable. I decided to play it innocent and see how far I got. There was a chance it would work. This time, maybe?
I furrowed my brow. “Do what?” I said, as innocently as possible. Play it cool, Mallory, play it cool. You can do this. You’ve done it before. You got this.
I had a good hunch this time. I’d soon be home and in front of the TV. Chick flick or drama tonight?
Kelly peeked her head out from the doorway. She had a towel around her hair and her makeup was half-applied. Anyone else would have looked like she’d stepped out of a horror movie; Kelly made it work. If I didn’t love her I’d hate her.
“After all this time, you don’t think I know how you work, Mallory? Come on. I know what you’re trying to do.”
Her head disappeared. “And it won’t work. Not this time.” Rats. I wasn’t going to get off easy. I’d have to go deep into the playbook on this one.
I decided to press my luck. I wanted to see how long we could keep this up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Even though she wasn’t in the room, I fluttered my eyelids as if she was, trying to come off as pure as possible.
If I’d been on camera, I’d be choosing my gown and writing my Oscar acceptance speech. I’d like to thank…myself?
Kelly's toweled head came back, this time with some concealer applied. “Every single time with you,” she sighed. Her tone mixed concern and irritation.
It was not an easy combo to pull off, but Kelly did a really good job at it. I considered thanking her in my speech. “How long has it been since he called?”
Low blow. I frowned. “Like 5 days,” I said, looking away from Kelly's piercing dark brown eyes. When she looked at me like that there was no hiding. I knew it well.
She always knew just the right question to ask to stop me in my tracks and make me confront truths I wanted to avoid. She called it a skill; I called it concentrated evil.
At the same time, it was very, very helpful, even when I didn’t want to admit it. This time, I didn’t want to admit it. Did I ever? Maybe I did have a pattern.
“Exactly. 5 days. I’m sorry, babe, really, I am, and you know I love you, but it’s not gonna happen. It’s time to move on.”
She looked at me as if daring me to challenge her on it. The exasperation on her face was clear. She must think I was totally clueless about men. That hurt.
She had a point, though. 5 days was a long time given how fast people moved, especially these days. My shoulders slumped and I closed the magazine, looking up at her as I sighed.
“Yeah, I know, I know, but…I just don’t want to, you know? I had a good feeling about this guy. He seemed different.” I could tell my tone of voice was softening her.
We had this dance, she and I. I would get down about a guy, and she would be all inspiring about moving on, but motherly at the same time. It was refreshing and I loved her for it.
Kelly came out of the bathroom in her robe and leaned back against the doorway. “Oh, honey, I know you did. I know you really liked him. And I really feel bad that it didn’t work out with this guy. But I also know that you do this with every single guy you date. You hang on his every word; you ignore some, let’s face it, pretty glaring issues, and you wait by the phone for him to call, and I hate to see it always end like this.”
That last part hurt the most, but she was right. It did always end like this. Were all guys like this? Just looking to get laid and move on?
As she finished, Kelly moved her head back, a surprised expression on her face. It was as if she couldn’t believe she’d said all that. Wow, that must have been brewing for a while now.
I’m not sure the situation was quite as dramatic as she made it out to be, but that was probably something I needed to hear. At least she thought so.
I smiled at her ruefully. “I’m not so bad at this, am I?” It was a plainspoken but earnest cry for help. I was surprised at my own tone; things had gotten serious quick and this was uncharted territory.
I really wanted my dating life to get better; it would be so nice to meet a good guy.
Kelly's smile was sincere and deep. She stood up and came toward me, arms opening wide to invite me in. Her hug was crushing and long and just what I needed, the kind of hug you get from someone as close to a sister as you’d ever get.
Her mouth next to my ear, Kelly spoke through my brown hair. “Yeah, Mallory, you are. But it’s OK. There’ll be another guy. Someone much better. I promise.”
I breathed in deeply, and I could feel the beginning of tears welling up. Exhaling slowly, I willed myself not to cry.
Kelly always knew the right thing to say. Just one of the many reasons we were such good friends and had been for so long. “I hope I find him or he finds me soon,” I replied. “Cause all this searching and waiting is getting old.”
Kelly chuckled at this. I sniffled, and we stayed there for a moment, silent in each other’s arms. It felt comfortable and peaceful. I hoped everyone had such a good friend to see them through thick and thin.
Kelly finally let go and stood up, straightening her robe and righting the droopy towel on her head. Despite the fierceness and awkward angle of the hug, she’d managed to avoid all smudging on her not-quite-finished makeup. I had no idea how she always managed to do that; it was infuriating.
“That’s why I’m not letting you do your own thing tonight. You’re coming with me,” she said. Her voice suggested there was no getting out of this one. “Otherwise I’m going to come home and you’ll tell me all about some terrible movie you’ve seen, and all the great ice cream you’ve eaten. I don’t want to hear it!”
Nuts, she hadn’t forgotten. Blergh. This was going to be tougher than I’d originally thought. “I’m just not in the mood. Who is this guy again? Where did you meet him?” I was arriving at desperation station; time to start looking for better reasons I could get out of this.
Though Kelly had a point; I really needed to get over Todd and move on, like right now. Maybe going out with Kelly tonight would be good for me. Not as good as ‘the Notebook,’ though. As far as I knew Ryan Gosling had never let me down. How could he, with a face like that?
Kelly smiled, looking over at her dress hanging just outside the closet. “The office. At the gym. He’s really cute. We’ve been noticing each other for like a month now. Made small talk, you know? The kind you make when you’re both sweaty and in the middle of a workout. He finally worked up the courage to ask me out a couple weeks ago.”
She picked up the dress and held it against her figure, swaying back and forth. Her eyes were closed; she’d momentarily forgotten I was there. She’d been like this all week. If I wasn’t so genuinely happy for her I’d have been irritated.
Just a few dates? “And you’re going to a club? People do that on dates? That’s a bit fast, even for a tramp like you.” I was back to goading her. As much fun as she made of my prudish ways, I got on her case about how free she was with men.
It wasn’t like she was really a tramp — far from it. Compared to me, though, she was the whore of Babylon. I didn’t judge. On some level, I was envious of the freedom she felt.
As much as I wanted to meet an amazing guy, they made me nervous and I never knew how to act around them. I would give anything to be as liberated with guys as Kelly was; I just couldn’t figure out how to get there.
Kelly looked back at me; the grin on my face told her all she needed to know about the force behind my words.
“Yes, ‘we’ are going to a club, Mallory. It’s not the first time we’ve been out, that was Tuesday night last week. We’ve been out a couple times since. And yes, people do go to clubs on dates. Some people actually enjoy clubs.”
Her grin matched mine. “Touche.” We stared at each other for a few seconds before Kelly looked down and examined her nails. She must have noticed some dirt, as she began digging under one of them.
She looked down, concentrating on her hands. “I worry about you, you know. Sometimes.” Her voice was soft and thoughtful.
“Oh?” I tensed up; the air suddenly felt very serious. I could tell she was about to say something she’d thought about for a while and that it wasn’t easy for her. Kelly and I opened up to each other, but you don’t tell your best friend everything even so.
“Yeah, it’s not a big deal. I…I just know how seriously you take dating and sex and all that stuff, and I worry that sometimes you’re building it up a little too much.”
She paused, as if searching for the right words. “It’s great and all, sex, but to me it’s so much better when you just let go and give in to your impulses, you know? Not anything weird or dangerous, though weird stuff can be fun!”
Her eyes gleamed. “But when you make it such a big deal, to me it seems like you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.”
I wanted to change the subject. “Well, it sounds like you’ll have a lot of fun with this guy tonight, but what am I going to be doing? It doesn’t sound like you need me around; I don’t want to be the third wheel, and you remember last time this happened. I don’t want to impose…”
I trailed off, hopeful that this would free up my night. Netflix was calling me, and he came with popcorn and ice cream and he always understood me.
The last time Kelly had taken me along one of her famous double dates, her guy’s friend had flaked out at the last minute, and I watched the entire night as Kelly attempted to both keep up conversation with me and get to know her date both intellectually and physically.
I had gone home as early as possible that evening, and was leaving the building for brunch the next morning when Kelly had stumbled in. Needless to say I was not eager to repeat the experience.
“Of course we thought of that, you wuss. And even if we hadn’t, I need you there to take care of me and make sure I’m good.”
She smiled. “I like this guy, but I don’t want that to be too obvious, you know? A girl’s gotta have a little mystery to her.” I knew what she meant, but apparently she was way better at establishing mystery with men than I was.
“You thought of what?” This was something new. The pit in my stomach rose. This didn’t sound good. On the other hand, now I was a bit more excited.
“Brian’s bringing a friend for you. It’ll be a double date! But this time it’ll work, I promise. Well, at least, I hope it’ll work.” She looked at me, gauging my reaction. My reaction was less than thrilled, and she could tell.
“I see. This friend of his…what’s his deal?” I asked. Might as well get some idea of what I’d be dealing with tonight, beyond keeping an eye on Kelly and her new boy.
I’d done it before, not because she would go nuts and dance on tables with a lampshade on her head or anything, but just in case.
“Brian didn’t tell me anything about him, but I think I remember Brian saying his name was Ted or something like that.” Kelly said, looking back at me.
“Sorry I don’t know anymore, but I’m sure he’s cool. And if he’s anything like Brian, you are about to meet one sexy guy.” She cocked her head back and closed her eyes again, clearly picturing Brian…and possibly this other guy too.
I shook my head, wrinkling my nose as if to shake away a distasteful thought. “Sounds like I might have to leave you alone to get acquainted with both of them!”
I was pressing my luck, but at this point, playing with Kelly was too much fun and too easy. If she was so taken with one Brian, what might it be like to meet a second?
Kelly's grin was wicked. “I wouldn’t dream of it, babe. Not only am I here to help you get over that ass Todd and move on, I think I might actually like this Brian fellow. So tonight’s two for one!” I shook my head, still smiling.
Kelly was incorrigible. It was no wonder we got along so well. Not only did we look out for each other; each of us kept the other on her toes. I was beginning to looking forward to the coming evening.
I picked the magazine back up, smirking to myself and leafing through the pages while Kelly bustled about the room, gathering things she needed.
The table of contents promised articles that would make me more successful, happy, sexy, and beautiful. Seemed to me like a tall order for just one issue. Luckily next month’s would be coming out soon!
“Ever wonder how every single month these magazines can come up with exactly the right tips that’ll ‘send him over the edge’?” I asked, making air quotes, aware that Kelly had turned back into the bathroom.
“I wonder how their staff manages to stay on the cutting edge of all these sexual breakthroughs each month. They must have people working round the clock on this stuff. Maybe you should work for them?” I could hear Kelly's laugh despite the wall between us. She had clearly heard me.
I kept reading, thumbing through the magazine and skimming the photos and stories that fought my eye. Mostly celebrity puff pieces, talking about new movies and makeup routines.
Each piece by itself seemed tedious, but I’d long ago accepted that despite the repetitive messages these magazines pushed endlessly, I enjoyed reading them. Just one of my many guilty pleasures.
Kelly came back into the bedroom, looking up at the clock on the wall. “You’re keeping track of the time, right? I know how long it takes you to get ready.”
The look on her face brooked no argument this time, but I had to try. By now I wanted to go, I was just making her work for it.
“Oh,” I replied. “I’m still going? There’s no way I can get out of this? Nothing I can do?” My voice was unintentionally far off; in my head I was already leafing through my closet looking for the right outfit. This guy wouldn’t know what hit him.
“Nothing, missy. I won’t have you moping about in your room all night, staring at your phone and wondering why he doesn’t call. You know what I say, right? Tell me you haven’t forgotten.”
“I remember, I remember. You get over the last guy by getting under the next guy. You know that’s not me, though. I can’t do that.” We’d been over this before.
“Oh honey, I understand, and of course you know I didn’t mean it like that in your case. All I’m saying is you get hung up on guys way too quickly, and when you do that you miss out on meeting other guys who might be more your speed. Like nice guys who never leave their apartments. Or super religious guys. There are so many uptight guys you could be meeting!”
I glared back at her before cracking again. “You cannot possibly know how much I hate you right now, Kelly.”
“Oh I’m well aware, babe. The feeling’s mutual. All I want to make sure is that you’re not missing out on important experiences because you’re hung up on meeting the perfect guy for you. Of course I could be wrong, but I just don’t think life works out that way for, well, anyone.”
She turned. “You gotta do what’s right for you, and I get that, but just make sure you’re not searching for a guy who doesn’t exist, you know? The rose petals and champagne guy of your dreams. I mean, I’m sure you’ll meet someone close to him someday, but while you’re looking for him, you might as well enjoy yourself!”
I looked back at Kelly as she fell silent. For the first time in forever, I had no witty reply and I didn’t even make an attempt. After a few seconds, Kelly smiled and snapped her fingers.
“Just let yourself go a bit, you know? Now, you better get your pretty little ass out of here and down the hall before I chase you around the room. I don’t mind being a little late tonight; gives them something to think about; but fashionably late doesn’t mean an hour late.”
She brightened, continuing. “Get home and get ready. And no more complaining! It’ll be fun! If it’s not fun, then, it’ll be an experience. At least you’ll get out of the house and get your mind off Todd for a few hours. Big win!” She flashed the million dollar grin.
She was always so cheery, I thought, watching her head back into the bathroom. I sighed, letting the resignation wash over me. I really should get going; I had noticed Kelly's crack about how long it took me to get ready.
I got up off the bed and smoothed over the blankets. The magazine was Kelly's; I left it behind, picked up my oh-so-silent phone and looked around before finding my keys on Kelly's dresser.
“I’m heading out! Maybe I’ll get ready; I’ll see if I remember by the time I get home!” I smiled as I left Kelly's bedroom, chuckling as I heard the din of her makeup hitting the counter. “Relax! I know, I know, I’m coming. I’m getting ready now.”
In the main room I spotted my shoes in Kelly's shoe rack and slipped them on before heading out the door, ready for the long trek down the hall to my place.
Despite having changed my mind about tonight, My stomach was already churning and I had the sudden sense going out tonight was going to be a big mistake.