Once Upon a Present
“I’m looking at it today, Tracey.” I held the phone to my ear as I grabbed my bag from the locker.
“How do you think he’ll handle it?” she asked.
“To be honest, I don’t think he’ll really care. These past six weeks he’s been on again off again distant…” That wasn’t entirely true. Living with Liam was like it should’ve always been, but with none of the perks and none of the risk. We both were hanging onto the other so hopelessly, to the idea of us, but without truly diving in. I was tired of pretending. I loved him. I always have, but it was clear we needed to cut the cord. “I don’t need to be there. The cast came off two days ago.”
“You never really needed to be there, Kelly.”
I rolled my eyes. Tracey’s newfound interest in my life annoyed me. After the accident, both she and my mother called me more than I was used to. In California, I didn’t exist to them. It was becoming harder and harder to hold grudges. When I lived in L.A. it was easier to push everyone away.
“I need to go. The guy said he could only stay for thirty minutes. This place, it’s perfect from what I saw in the ad.”
“Call you next week.”
“Sounds good.”
My sister hesitated and the silence became uncomfortable. I could feel her tugging me, bending me, hoping I’d give in. But, I’d spent too long alone, without her, to say what she wanted me to say and fully mean it.
“Love you, Kelly,” she said it like the words itched their way from her lips.
“You, too.”
I let the phone go black. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my family, that bloodline pulsed through me, but love is different than faith, and I’d lost faith in them ages ago.
I placed my phone in my bag and shut my locker. I’d been at Lifeline for a little over four weeks, and I really loved it. Helping women leave abusive husbands, families, it was like I’d found my small little niche in the world. I didn’t do much; I had no credentials, so I mostly provided the necessities or a shoulder to cry on. Not one person here ever judged me by my appearance, because here, appearance didn’t matter, living did. Escaping the hell we’d lived through was paramount, and it had gotten a little less painful to look at myself in the mirror each day. I’d found my strength with these women, with this staff.
The breakroom door opened and a woman I didn’t recognize walked in.
“Hi,” I said as I pulled my bag over my shoulder and held out my hand. “I’m Kelly.”
The woman’s eyes were dark brown, almost black to match her shiny thick hair and caramel skin. She didn’t seem to be much older than me. Her smile was genuine as she took my hand. “Melissa Trujillo, I’m a new volunteer here.”
“Nice to meet you. I’ve only been working here for about a month. I’m glad I’m not the only new kid.”
“Most people call me Mel,” she said and let go of my hand. “You work here?”
I nodded. “I do. I was supposed to do community service…” I laughed. “Long story, but I decided to work here instead. How often do you plan on volunteering, we could use all the help we can get?”
She lowered her eyes to the ground and put her hands in the pockets of her jeans before she looked at me again. “Probably a few days a month. I work in North Salt Lake at The Western Lounge, it’s… a bar. My time is limited, but I heard about this place through my church, and I wanted to help.”
“Well, welcome, hopefully we’ll get to work together at some point.”
Her full lips pulled into a bright smile. “Maybe.”
I waved and gave her a sideways smile as I headed toward the exit. It would be nice to have a friend. After the accident, I barely talked to Dante anymore, and living with Liam was exhausting, recovery was exhausting, and the silence of my life, it was like every day my lungs filled with water, and I was slowly drowning. I needed my own space, my own life.
The spring air was warm today, the sun finding its way through to the pavement as I walked out onto the busy sidewalk. The apartment wasn’t far from the shelter, but too far to walk. I was grateful the city had decent public transit, without a car, getting around could’ve been difficult. The TRAX stop was across the street from the apartment building, and I figured that would be nice when it was fifteen degrees and snowing. The building was new, and the smell of paint hung heavy in the air as I walked through the front door. The apartments housed the top five floors and, as I rode the elevator up, my anxiety twisted and wound around my heart as it struggled to slow. I needed this, it was the mantra I’d chanted all day long. Liam didn’t want me; he wasn’t the kind of guy to wait for something. He just reached out and grabbed life, and he’d had six weeks to have me.
We might have had a wall between us, built three years ago, maybe even before that, but if he really wanted to make the effort, he would’ve done it by now. This was smart, safe, and the only thing I could think to do to move on.
The elevator door opened with a soft ding, and when I stepped out into the small lobby, the smell of sage and pine scented the air. The whole place was trimmed in light wood and had black and white pictures of the local ski resorts hanging on the walls. The office door was just left of the elevator and, when I walked in, the room was empty.
“Hello?”
“One second.” I recognized his voice from the phone as it floated from one of the back offices.
My fingers tangled and untangled in front of me as I waited. I couldn’t shake the feeling that was slowly darkening my peripheral vision. This felt like I was sneaking around, lying, like I was getting ready to run, like I was leaving him all over again.
I lowered my head, took a deep breath, and whispered to myself, “This is different.”
“Talking to yourself?”
I lifted my head, my cheeks filling with warmth at being caught, and I laughed. The apartment manager was young, about my age, and his smile faltered as his eyes dropped to my ruined cheek. The non-verbal slap had become easier to take, but I was already nervous, and I’d be lying if I said this man wasn’t attractive. He was tall and blond, with green eyes, and a muscled body packaged in jeans and a button down that he’d rolled to his elbows. The same kind of guy I would’ve gone for back in L.A., and he would have been eating out of the palm of my hand. But, those eyes held a tinge of fear, disgust, and then pity.
“I spoke to you on the phone, Kelly Kavanagh.”
He cleared his throat, reached into his pocket, and then handed me the key. “Go take a look, it’s on the fourth floor, apartment 4B. Each floor has four apartments. I think you’ll be pleased.”
“You’re not coming?” My eyebrows stitched together.
He shook his head and glanced at my scar and said, “I trust you.” The smile he gave was tight, and I hated that maybe if I’d looked differently he would have been up my ass to show me the place.
“Thanks, I won’t be long.”
If I hadn’t needed this apartment so badly, I might’ve walked out, but this place was new and reasonable and close to work. I took the stairs up one more floor instead of the elevator, relishing the freedom of not wearing a cast or being strapped to crutches and, when I entered the hall, the same smell of pine and sage greeted me. I exhaled a resigned breath as I unlocked the door and walked in.
The back wall was full floor-to-ceiling windows, broken only by two huge sliding glass doors. The kitchen was trimmed in the light pine wood that seemed to be the theme of the place. The carpet was plush and light, the countertops a soft gray granite. I could picture steel gray couches and purple throw pillows, and white sheers that would blow in the spring breeze when I opened the sliding glass doors to the patio. This place was the exact opposite of Liam’s. It was the sun to his night. The fairytale from my childhood chimed inside my head, and I could almost feel the ink move beneath the skin of my right hip. His… Liam’s mark.
This was it. I had to have it.
I spent a few more minutes looking around. There were three large bedrooms and a bathroom. I didn’t really need this much space, but I could use one of the rooms as an office and the other as a guest bedroom. Who knows, after a while, maybe I could get a roommate. My life was starting over and I refused to pin myself into a dark little corner and say that’s it, you’re done. Working at the shelter had taught me that. You’re only done if you let yourself be.
I took the stairs down to the third floor and signed up for a new future.
Paige and Declan were at Liam’s when I walked in. Liam was leaning against the counter, his mouth curled up at the edges. The creases around his eyes were deep, but filled with joy instead of anger. He looked sexy in his dark blue jeans and fitted, emerald green, thermal long-sleeve. His chocolate brown hair was artfully disheveled and, when his eyes met mine, the earth shifted. When Liam was happy… it was stunning. The laughter quieted as I walked in, but Liam’s smile held as he said, “Hey.”
I’d only met Paige once, forever ago, but the only difference I noticed was her round belly. Declan never looked this content in the shop. He was leaning against the breakfast bar as well, Paige’s back to his chest, his arms circled around her middle, his hands resting on her belly.
My smile couldn’t be contained as I set my house keys in my purse and said, “Sorry to interrupt.”
“You’re not, we were just saying goodbye.” Paige’s voice was sweet, and I wondered if she’d aged at all.
Her face was full and her gold hair fell in waves around her shoulders. Declan kissed the top of her head and then moved from behind her and took her hand. A lump formed in my throat as I watched them and wondered if that could’ve been Liam and me, if I hadn’t been so selfish, or so scared.
“It’s good to see you. Look at you! When are you due? Declan told me but I think I might’ve forgotten.” I cringed and Liam laughed.
“She’s always had a shit memory.”
I narrowed my eyes at Liam. “I do not.”
Declan chuckled. “I think I have to side with my brother on this one. Remember when you hid Liam’s present in my room for his birthday and you forgot. I found the watch when I was cleaning out my closet a couple of weeks after.”
My face heated and I bit my lip. “Okay, so maybe I’m a little forgetful.”
“A little?” Liam laughed and the open sound of it rattled my bones and awoke something light and fleeting in my chest.
“June twentieth.” Paige’s quiet voice broke through the laughter. “If I make it that long.”
“If it was safe it’d be badass if they were born on my birthday.”
“You never know, twins always come early.” Declan’s grin stretched into his eyes.
“A month is too early, Paige, you keep those kids in there as long as you can.” Liam clapped his hand on Declan’s shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Declan nodded. Liam surprised me and pulled Paige into a bear hug and she laughed when her belly got in the way. “Thanks for bringing those prints.”
“Any time.” Paige waved at me. “Good to see you again.”
I waved back and gave her a smile before they left. The prints she was talking about were laid out on the kitchen countertop. It looked like Declan’s work, but I couldn’t be sure. While Liam walked them out, I stole a peek. There were two. One was a depiction of a violet night sky that reflected over a still lake, the water looked translucent, and cold. The other print was the exact same, but was painted in daylight, and the water looked like liquid gold.
“Paige… she’s really starting to excel.” Liam’s deep voice rumbled in the back of his throat and the gritty sound of it danced across my skin. He was right behind me, close enough his heat invaded my space.
“She sells her work?” I asked not willing to turn around. The betrayal of leaving again sat like brick in my stomach.
“She and Declan both, pretty soon he won’t have to work at the shop.” A quiet melancholy coated his words.
“He likes it there. He wouldn’t leave, would he?” I turned and came face to face with Liam. He took a step back, but he was still too close.
It wasn’t a betrayal.
I didn’t belong to him.
I told this to myself every time I thought about getting my own place. But it didn’t help.
“Those are for your room. The walls are too blank.” Liam’s eyes fell to my mouth and I swallowed at the hunger I recognized in them.
“I got an apartment today.” The confession blurted rapidly from my lips and Liam’s face fell.
“What? Why?” The muscle in his jaw feathered and his fingers curled at his sides. My chest was caving in, and my reasoning clogged my throat. “Why didn’t you tell me, at least fucking discuss the possibility!” The anger he had tried uselessly to hide rippled between us.
“Because I didn’t want to deal with this, because I knew you’d get pissed.” I raised my voice and stood straighter trying to maintain a little control over my heart.
I didn’t belong to him.
He moved closer, and I backed into the counter. The distance between us, hardly a breath or an inch to move. “You could’ve told me,” he said in a rough whisper. “You should’ve told me.” His eyes fell to my mouth again as I licked my lips.
We hadn’t changed. It was still this spark—this unbridled reaction to the other. It was chaos and I needed a stable hand. I couldn’t want this. What if we’d ended up the same as before? A path we were doomed to take, but only together. It was why I wanted to leave. It was why it hadn’t worked back then. The air was heavy, and I watched his chest rise and fall at the same pace as mine. He moved closer, consuming my oxygen.
Liam lifted his hand and gripped the counter next to me, holding me in place, his eyes still trapped by the lure of my mouth as he said, “Can’t you fucking feel it?”
I shook my head. Denial, it was easier than reality, easier than admitting this could just be his last bid, his last chance to hold onto something, to not be alone.
“Bullshit.” He tipped his head down. His breath tickled warmth against the skin of my cheeks, my lips, mixing, blending—a mutual pull.
“It’s suffocating.” The surrender was a whisper and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop myself.
I raised my arms and rested them on his shoulders, where they’d always fit. His mouth met mine in a well-rehearsed crash. It was teeth and tension and his tongue split me open. I tasted him again. My heart melted, spread through my chest with a heat that bloomed along my skin, up my neck, and to the tips of my ears. He groaned and I felt him in every fiber. Liam’s lips were that perfect mix of soft and strong, and as his body pressed me against the counter, my fingers curled into his hair. His hands grasped my hips, pulling me in that last inch, assuring there was no him and no me, only us. I couldn’t find the air to breathe as his scent surrounded me, held me, and his mouth consumed my rational thought. A blanket of nostalgia covered me as his teeth raked across my bottom lip and I nipped at his. We were a wildfire, fed by the tall, dry grass of summer.
His hands slid along my rib cage, and his thumbs brushed the curve of my breast as he brought his hands to my face and then fisted them into my hair. I shuddered as the stubble of his day-old beard bruised my lips. My head filled with cotton as I tried helplessly to breathe, and that small moment, that panic, we were raging too fast, too hot. I gasped for the oxygen I needed, my clarity as tears filled my eyes and I pulled away.
“Kelly, I—”
“Stop.” It had taken the threat of me leaving for him to react. He was desperate and alone just like me, and if we did this, if we hung onto to each other only to float, we’d end up hating each other all over again. I wiped the tears from under my eyes. “This is exactly why I have to move out.” Liam’s shoulders fell as he took another few steps away from me. His silence was damning, accusing me, and I couldn’t take it. “This is too easy. We’ve been playing house, and we both know it’s only because it’s better than being alone.”
Anger flashed across his features but he steeled his expression and he stood to his full height as he appraised me. Liam’s face set into indignant lines as he said, so low, you could hear the fury simmering below the surface, “You can tell yourself whatever the hell you want, but you were never a fucking placeholder, and neither am I.”
I exhaled an irritated sigh and stepped toward him. “That’s not what I meant.”
He stepped past me and grabbed his keys off the counter. “I got your meaning,” he said with spite as he removed his helmet off the hook next to the door.
“Liam, please, don’t go. Can we talk about this? Can’t you see, it will always be the same, you know it, or you would’ve tried sooner, you—”
“When do you move out?” he asked, effectively interrupting me and pissing me off.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.”
“Liam—”
“When, Kelly?”
“Whatever is easiest?” My resolve sank and his fury, his formidable glare pushed against me, an invisible force shoving me back, further and further away.
“As soon as fucking possible,” he said and then slammed the door.
Once he was out of the room, that unseen power left with him, and my knees failed me. I sunk down onto the cold floor of the kitchen, and sucked down air, each gasp like shards of glass as I tried to calm myself, but the tears came anyway. I was wrong when I said everything with him was easy. Nothing about Liam and I was easy, not one damn thing, but moving out, it was the protection I could give us, otherwise, we’d rip each other to shreds, and there would be no way either of us could find the will to patch ourselves back up again.
Belonging to him, being with him, kissing him, tasting him, feeling him, it felt too right, and I’d already learned the hard way nothing that good comes without a price.