I want to turn away, I should turn away. Tell him no. After all the pain and agony, I should run a mile. But in doing that, I’ll only allow the hold that bitch has over me to continue. My mother’s done so much to me. Hurt me in ways I couldn’t even begin to explain. Now’s my chance to face my past, or keep running. It’s time to either walk into the storm with my hand in Nate’s and my feet firmly on the ground, or I can be the spineless bitch she called me all those years ago.

I don’t blame Nathan. Deep in my heart I know what she’s capable of. I’ve been her toy for far too long. It’s time for me to fight back, to take my life into my hands.

A calmness settles over me. If I’m smart, I’ll tell him to move on and I’ll do the same. But, I’ve never been smart. I’ve always listened to my heart. And right now, as I meet his imploring gaze, having him kneel for me, I know I’m going to agree to go with him.

He took money to hurt me. To shatter me for a woman who hates me. I knew one day she’d find me. Her cold heartless demeanor had been her downfall. She never had love in her life. And she made sure no one else around her did either. When my father died I was alone, until the wicked witch walked back in and took everything from me.

I grew up not knowing what a mother’s love or affection was. When I finally ran, I packed my backpack with some clothes stuffed into the space along with my toothbrush and my notebook. I left everything behind and let her have it. Money never meant anything to me, all I wanted was my dad. After what she did to me, what Morgan did to me, I knew I’d never know what family is.

The night of their so-called party, when those filthy men groped me. Their vile hands on parts of my body, fingers prodding me, grabbing my breasts, spitting disgusting words. It was then I knew if I didn’t get out I’d lose more than just my virginity. I’d lose my soul in the process.

When I met Carrick, he promised to care for me. To make sure nothing harmed me in any way, and he kept that promise. He found me out of my mind from the tequila I inhaled like it was giving me my next breath and the coke I’d shoved up my nose. He dragged me to the parking lot of the club I’d almost been raped in and slapped some sense into me.

He was my new family. Sex wasn’t anything special to me anymore. It was a means to an end. My end. The girl that my dad raised died, and in her place, was a cold woman who needed the pain to forget. My story isn’t filled with sweet words and roses, it’s the whips, chains, and degradation that make me forget. When I knew what I needed to do, it came easily to me.

That night I finally let go of my past, I begged Rick to take me. I slutted myself out to a man who acted like my knight in shining armor. When he finally relented, I told him to show me his darkness and he did. I was a sixteen-year-old submissive for six months while I learned what this life was like. I don’t hate him for it. He did save me in so many ways. I took to it like a fish to water. And that’s where my journey begun.

“Eva, I know we can be good together. We both have demons to overcome, we both need the other to survive, and we can mend our souls by looking to our future. I can’t live without you. As dark as my world is, without you, it’s like walking through life blind. I need you,” Nate implores me. Never did I think I’d see a man like him kneel, beg, or plead. I hold power that I never knew I had with him. All our time together I was always on the receiving end of his dominance.

Now, I have a choice to make.

I look into his eyes, those beautiful pools of dark brown that haunted my dreams over the short time we’d been apart. I was a walking ghost without him, and now I know he felt the same pain I did. “I don’t know if I can accept the collar… yet,” I say, my voice raspy, my throat dry, aching from screaming at him moments ago. “We need time. I need time, Nate.” He nods slowly, relief that I’m not refusing him painting his handsome face.

“Come home with me, Eva?” He asks, his voice low, filled with longing. I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but staying with Carrick isn’t helping matters. “I’ll make you dinner, draw you bubble baths and you’re welcome to stay in the guest room if you feel you need time. I know I lied. I hid the truth from you, but as we spent more time together, all I wanted was you. Her agreement was null and void by the time I’d asked you to have dinner with me. That was the first date I’d ever had. And when you looked at me with those beautiful eyes, filled with amusement, fire, and yearning, I knew there was no way I was letting you go.”

He takes my hand, holding it between both his large ones.

“I’d never dated my slaves. They were merely toys to me. You…” his words trail off, his mind ticking by all the ways he can get me to agree. When he glances up at me again, he continues. “You’re the only woman who’s gotten into my heart and I can’t lose that. Finally, I’m greedy for the right thing. My greed brought me you, and my addiction won’t let you leave. I don’t know how we’re going to land on our feet, but we have to try.” He drops his head, looking at my shoes like they’re going to give him the answer he seeks.

“You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Ashcroft. Right now, it feels as if we’ve just jumped over the ledge and we’re currently in a freefall. Let’s worry about landing when we get there. Baby steps first,” I offer, shutting the velvet box, but holding onto it. “Since this is mine, I’ll keep it until we figure out where we stand. If that’s okay with you?”

“Anything you want,” he smiles, rising to full height, towering over me in his commanding way.  His gaze pinning me with not desire, not lust. It bores into me with love.

“Anything?” I quip, my body responding in a completely different way. I don’t need the spanking, the toys, or anything else. I only want him and the affection I know he’s capable of. Right now, more than anything, I want the sweet, gentle caresses rather than the pain. Tonight, I need the light, in this dark world I’ve become accustomed to living in. In this lifestyle, there’s no way you can stop yourself from forever dousing yourself in the murky shadows. I need it. He does too.

When he finally reaches for me, I fall into his arms. All the while we both stood on our own, but now, we need to stand together. We have a war to fight, a dragon to slay. I never realized how much she hated me, I thought running away would make sure she’s out of my life, clearly not.

“Eva, I thought walking away from you was the right thing to do, I did it because I didn’t want her hurting you anymore. Fuck, I know I’d done enough damage that night I walked out. But when you told me that Carrick was going to collar you…” He trails off, and I know that must have hurt him as much as I was hurting. “I can’t handle it, Eva. I can’t lose you.”

“You mean you can’t handle someone else having me,” I murmur under my breath. When I glance up, I see him nod, but doesn’t voice his response for so long, I think he’s about to change his mind. The cruel way I’ve always been broken was being reprimanded for wanting something, having it pulled out from under me. And now, even as an adult, I still expect it.

“Knowing another man has you on his arm, in his bed, I can’t live with that, Eva.”

“Then I can’t be with you if you’re going to have another woman kneel for you. I may not be a slave, but I’m a submissive. I’ve always needed the degradation, but from you… From you it feels dishonest. Wrong. I want…” My words trail off because I’m scared. For the first time in a long while I’m afraid of needing someone.

Since I was sixteen I fended for myself. Yes, Carrick was there, but it was always me looking out for myself. No one else mattered. Now though, when I look at Nathan, I’m so fucking scared, I don’t know how to do this. How do I finally allow myself to be with someone fully? To give them the ultimate control.

“Eva, you can always tell me what you need or want. I’ll change, I’ll do anything to have you wear my collar. No more other women, just me and you. We’ll set limits, we’ll put precautions in place so I’ll never do something you don’t want.”

His sincerity causes my heart to ache. It makes my lungs struggle to breathe. But I look into his eyes when I finally admit what I want from him. “I want you to not only be my Dominant, but I want you to love me too.”