I steer Conor through the next week with more of the same. More kissing and touching. More light bondage. More therapy.
Grueling memories fill the pages of her journal front to back, and conversations about those memories fill our days.
At night, we find sanctuary on the back porch with Jarret, reminiscing, singing, and playing guitar. Then we retire to our bed, her body wrapped around mine, and pretend we don’t want to fuck each other’s brains out.
It’s been a long goddamn week.
I lean against the kitchen island and watch her flit along the back counter, wiping down surfaces and putting things away. Jarret drove into town to bang his flavor of the night, and the house is deafeningly quiet and still, as if holding its breath.
I’m the one not breathing.
The wait is finally over.
The bodies in the ravine, the blackmail with my dad, the news of Levi Tibbs’ release, the planning and secrecy, the therapy sessions, her declaration of love—all this had to materialize and culminate, to bring us to this pinnacle point. Tonight, I’ll lift her out of that dark tortured place in her mind, where she’s held herself captive for six years, and set her free.
She pauses at the sink with her back to me and sighs. “Two days.”
Levi Tibbs walks in two days.
The three of us formulated an ironclad strategy to take him out without getting caught. The details of that plan have been occupying her mind all day.
After visiting Lorne last week, I know she has reservations. The consequences of killing a man stared down at her with her brother’s hardened eyes.
“You can sit this out.” I prefer she did, but I know she won’t.
Either way, I have no intention of letting her take the fall if shit goes south.
“I worry about you.” She bows her head, staring at her scarred palm. “I can’t lose you again.”
My heart skips a beat. That’s the closest she’s come to verbally acknowledging our future together.
I push off the island, reaching her side in three strides.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I cup her face and stroke my thumb across her pouty lips. “I promise.”
She nods, looking down, her expression pensive. “We didn’t have any therapy talks today. I feel like…” Her eyes return to mine and narrow. “You’re planning something big.”
I gave her the day off to rest. She’ll need every ounce of energy for the long, exhausting, very big night ahead of us.
“In a few minutes, we’re going to discuss the ravine.” I touch a finger against her lips, halting her attempt to protest. “Then I’m going to tell you everything.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah.” I step behind her and press my chest to her back, trapping her pelvis against the counter.
“Jake.” Her shoulders hike to her ears, and she pushes against the counter’s edge. “Back up.”
I crowd closer, clocking the acceleration of her breaths. I’ve been provoking this trigger a lot over the past couple of days. Tonight, I’m going to red-line it.
“Focus on my voice.” I slowly slide my arms around her tiny waist and put my mouth at her ear. “We’re going to talk about your sixteenth birthday. I’m going to tell you everything I know. Then, if I’ve earned your forgiveness, I’m going to fuck you.” I lower a hand to her pussy and press against the denim seam. “Here.”
“I can’t talk about…” She grips the edge of the sink, trembling and wheezing. “Not the ravine. I can’t do this.”
“You can, and you won’t be alone.”
Her nails scratch against the counter, her breaths loud and fitful. “I can’t have sex from behind.”
“Every position, Conor.”
A shuddering sob escapes her lips. “I think… Maybe…” She gulps for air. “There’s medicine I can take for the anxiety. That would be better.”
“Medication is addictive and unnecessary. Lift your arms.”
She crosses them, hugging her waist.
I step back just enough to let my hand fly. The hard smack on her ass sends her up on her toes. Her hands drop to the counter, and she releases a half-cry, half-moan.
“Arms up.” I spank her again. “I’d love to spend all night reddening your ass.”
A deep, reluctant groan sounds in the back of her throat, pulsing a surge of blood to my cock. She loves when I spank her, so much so she’ll risk a panic attack just to feel the bite of my palm.
But she still hasn’t lifted her arms.
“I’ll take your disobedience as a sign you’re not ready.” I back away from her.
“Wait.” She spins around, pinching the bridge of her nose and whispering under her breath, “Fucking hell and damn. Just…” Her hand lowers, and her eyes latch onto mine. “Don’t leave me.”
A crack rips through my chest. “You think that’s what I’m going to do?”
She lifts a shoulder. “I don’t know.”
The tightness around her mouth suggests there’s more she’s not saying.
I close the distance, grip her hips, and hoist her onto the counter.
“Let’s break it down.” I wedge between her legs and give her the full force of my eyes. “Talk.”
“Always with the damn talking.” She hovers her hands above my shoulders before flattening them on my chest. “You’re just so imposing. Forceful. Larger than life. You give me this crazy, buzzing, full-body rush all the time, and my brain just goes splat.” She narrows her eyes. “Don’t let that go to your head.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“I’ve spent every second with you for the past ten days, and I keep thinking this buzzing, hyper-aware feeling I get with you is going to wear off. But it doesn’t. It just keeps growing stronger and louder and…”
“And?”
“I’m terrified of it. Of this.” She gestures between us. “I don’t know what you’re hiding. I don’t know if you’re going to break my heart again. I haven’t even tried to find a place to live, and that’s just…stupid. Then there’s the whole spanking thing. Jesus, Jake. Why do I even like that? After Dalton…” Her eyebrows knit together. “I should be throat punching you every time you lay a hand on me.”
“Thank you for being honest with me.” I cup her jaw and kiss her lips. “I love you.”
“I love you back.” She touches a finger to my mouth and lingers along my whiskers. “That scares me, too.”
“After tonight, there’ll be no more secrets between us. And you already have a place to live. If you’re not able to forgive me for the hell I put you through, I’ll move into Jarret’s wing. The Cassidy wing is yours, no matter what.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to—”
“About the buzzing feeling…” I remove my hat and set it aside. Then I angle my head to drag my nose along her neck. “Did you feel it when we were younger?”
“Yes.” Her voice shivers.
“How about three years ago? In the barn?”
“Definitely.”
“And you didn’t even know it was me.” I scrape my teeth against her throat. “You might be stuck with the buzzing.” I straighten and brush her hair from her face. “You feel it now?”
“Not so much here.” She touches her nose. “Or here.” She holds up an elbow. “But pretty much everywhere else.” She glances at my twitching mouth and hikes up an eyebrow. “You’re letting this go to your head.”
“Maybe.” I grin. “With regard to the spanking, I know you liked that when we were younger.”
“I did?”
“I swatted your ass constantly. Then you’d love up on me, all hot and bothered.”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess I did.”
“Tell me why you like it.”
She considers me for a moment, her gaze slipping up and down my body and making it impossible to keep my dick in check.
“You’re strong. Really big.” She tilts her head back to look up at me, as if illustrating her point. “A powerhouse of manly muscle and testosterone. Not just your build. It’s your disposition. Your deep voice. Your hands.”
She clutches one of my arms and runs her fingers through mine. I hold still, hanging on her words, loving the way her mind puzzles things out.
“The parts of you that overpower me,” she says, “are the same parts that are so soft and affectionate and tender. That’s the attraction. The appeal. I love that I can let my guard down and relinquish control to a man who fires up my ass and takes care of me at the same time. You might be pushy as all hell, but I know if I tell you to stop, you will. That means, when you spank me and bind my wrists, it’s one-hundred-percent my choice. There’s power in that.”
“That’s why you watch that foreign film, freezing and replaying the rape scene over and over. You’re not trying to control that woman’s pain. You want to control your own.”
“I guess… Yeah, you’re right.”
“What else?”
“I love your…” She closes her eyes and groans. “This is going to sound so greedy.”
“I won’t ever use our talks against you, Conor.”
“I know.” She gives me her gaze, blinking with vulnerability. “When you do things to me, the kinky things, I love your attention. That signal-minded focus. The way you’re so into me. It’s such a turn-on.” With a sigh, she tucks her fingertips under my belt, holding on. “You make a mess of my insides, Jake Holsten.”
“I’m about to make a bigger mess. The next few hours are going to be rough.” I grip her chin and imprison her eyes. “I know that talking about the ravine feels impossible, but you’re strong enough. You already survived it, and here you are, despite it all.” I harden my voice with conviction. “You’re ready, Conor.”
A muscle quivers in her cheek, and she squares her shoulders. Then she slides off the counter, gives me her back, and raises her arms, following my initial command.
My blood sings in awe. No one does courage like Conor Cassidy.
“You know what I find so remarkable about you?” I lift off her shirt and unclasp the bra. “Lower your arms.”
“Hm?” She drops her hands to the counter.
“Through the rises and falls…” I feather the backs of my fingers down her bare spine. “Through the ups and downs…” Leaning over her shoulder, I touch my lips to her neck. “You never let the shit in your life define who you are.”
“I went through some pretty horrific redefining moments.”
Remorse pinches hard in my gut. “But you’re still you. You absorbed the good and bad, and the core of you endured. You never broke.”
“Give it time.” She laughs nervously. “The night’s not over yet.”
I spin her to face me and fasten my mouth to hers. With my hands caressing her breasts, I kiss her until her muscles loosen and her knees buckle. Then I step back.
“Go to the bedroom. Remove the rest of your clothes.” My groin tightens. “Lie face down on the bed and wait for me.”
As she willingly walks toward a long night of terrifying memories, my stomach knots with trepidation.
They’re not just her memories. They’re mine, too.
I failed her that night. Under no circumstances can I fail her again.