It’s past midnight, and I’m sitting on my bed in the dark bedroom with the TV blaring, but the sound doesn’t drown out my thoughts. My legs dangle over the edge of the bed, feet touching the ground but feeling nothing.

The kiss from the pool is tormenting me, repeating over and over in my mind. The feel of her lips on mine, her velvet touch, and her breath on my skin were intoxicating. I’d tried so hard to fight my feelings for her, and it took one kiss to unlock a part of me that had been shut off, sending all kinds of emotions spinning out of control. The woman is like a curse. Now she’s gone, and I have no idea what to do, how to forget her. Things would have been so much easier without the kiss. What did I go and do that for? Was I out of my damn mind?

I mute the TV and pick up the phone. I need to talk to someone.

Doc’s voice is drowned out by the ruffle of sheets on his end as he probably sits up in bed. “Lance, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am.” The lie comes easy, but he knows me too well.

I shouldn’t have called him. I’m suddenly unsure of whether I’m ready to talk about this to anyone, or if I want anyone’s advice.

“If you were all right, you wouldn’t be calling me at this time. Talk to me.”

“Something happened.” My jaw tightens. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Stop thinking too much. Say whatever pops into your head right now.” He pauses. “Would you prefer it if I came over to your place? I wouldn’t mind.”

Of course, he wouldn’t mind. I pay him enough money to be available every time I need him. But it’s been a while since I called him this late at night.

“That won’t be necessary.”

“So, what’s keeping you awake? Does it have something to do with Alice Dupuis?” He pauses to let me digest the words. The man knows me too well.

“Why would you bring her up? She no longer lives here.”

“I think that woman turned your world upside down. Every time I mention her during our sessions, your face softens. It contradicts your words. Go ahead and admit that you like her.”

“I admit she’s a nice woman, but I like a lot of people.” I wipe the sweat from my forehead and close my eyes. “Who am I kidding? Fine, I like her more than I want to. It’s driving me insane, Doc.”

“Finally.” He laughs and the ice between us shatters. “Lance, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a woman again. I think it’s a good thing she came to Cabo to see you.”

“I don’t see what’s good about that. All she does is mess with my head, even when she’s not here.” Before she came along, I knew I wanted to die, to leave this world behind. Now, after the kiss, I’m not sure I even want that anymore.

“It’s a really good thing because she opened your heart up. She broke through your resistance. I’m not implying anything here, but she could be good for you.”

“You know it can’t go anywhere.”

“You’re just going to continue spending sleepless nights thinking about her and not do anything about it?”

I fall back onto the bed, a hand buried in my hair. “She was here, three hours ago.” I won’t go into details. Telling him I went swimming and almost drowned would be a big mistake. “I kissed her.”

Thick silence plugs the line and I imagine Doc thinking, a finger tapping against his lips. “You kissed her?” The words come out slowly, deliberately.

“That’s right.” Out of nowhere, a smile hijacks my lips. Suddenly, the kiss no longer feels like it was such a bad idea. “I have no idea what this means.”

“How did she react to the kiss?”

“She kissed me back.” Her hands had curled into my hair, her lips had parted without force, her tongue had tangoed with mine. In that moment, we were connected; she had been into it as much as I was. There’s no denying electricity had sparked between us.

“Now what?” Doc asks. “What do you intend on doing about it?”

“I wish I knew. What can I do? You’re the professional.”

“How about you talk to her about what happened? See how she reacts.”

“Not gonna happen.” I press a fist to my forehead. “She’s gone, remember? She only dropped by to get something she’d forgotten.”

“You do have her number, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t. But Bryant does.”

“Why don’t you ask for it?” Doc clears his throat. “Aren’t you curious at all to know how she feels?”

“What would knowing help?” My heart shuts down again. “I’ve nothing to offer her—or any woman, for that matter.”

“Lance, even though you’re in a wheelchair, you have so much to offer. Not every woman is looking for the same thing. Men who walk are not the only ones allowed to date. Alice must like you or else she wouldn’t be coming back into your life time and time again.”

“As I said, she only came because she forgot something.”

“What if she forgot it on purpose? What if she was looking for an excuse to come back? Maybe even subconsciously.”

Could he be right? Could Alice really have wanted to return here? But she didn’t know I left Crystal Lake. Unless, of course, Bryant had mentioned it to her. But why would he do such a thing? “Whether she did it on purpose or not doesn’t really matter at this point.” I sigh. “Doc, I just needed somebody to talk to. I’m thinking clearer now. I should go to bed.”

“Lance, if you ignore your feelings, they will keep coming back until you find closure with this woman. You mentioned she’s in town for a while. Think about getting your closure, then you can decide if you really want to let her go.”

“How could she want anything to do with me? I’m not a real man.”

“That’s ridiculous. Of course, you are. You are capable of offering a woman so much. You only need to want it.”

“And what exactly can I offer? A few kisses?” I chuckle sarcastically. “Things no longer work the same way they used to.”

“There are so many different medical treatments you can do,” Doc say. “You should refuse to stop resisting treatments. Try everything. You never know. Which reminds me, I have a few options that came in from a surgeon friend of mine in South Africa. One of them sounds promising, something called epidural stimulation. Think about it. If you’re interested in giving something else another try, do let me know. The way I see it, you have nothing to lose.”

“My dignity,” I shoot back. “I don’t think I can go through another disappointment.”

“What if you refuse to try something that might actually work? Do you want to live your life wondering ‘what if’? As your friend, I’m urging you to fight. Don’t give up on your life.”

“How can I not when life has given up on me?” He has no idea how hard it is. No one has any idea how crushing it is to put all your hopes into a treatment, only to be disappointed. I can’t do it. I might as well start getting used to the fact that I was doomed to be in this freaking wheelchair until my last breath. I also have to get used to living my life without a woman. That kiss with Alice might have felt good, but it was a mistake, a dangerous one. Playing with fire is not in my plans.

“Remember, I’m here to help you through it all.”

“Thanks, Doc. But I’m not your only patient. Feel free to go back to Boston. I’ll be flying there in a few days anyway.”

“Are you sure about that? I can stay as long as you like.”

“You’re a phone call away. And it’s time I stand on my own two feet.”

“You won’t try to—”

“Don’t worry. That’s not in my plans.”

Left alone, I could try to kill myself again. I think about it all the time. But the fear of failing yet again stops me each time the thought crosses my mind. There’s a fear that I would survive with a worse injury than I already have. The idea of possibly ending up brain damaged, trapped inside a body that no longer functions, is the worst fear of all. I'm pretty sure my brothers would delay pulling the plug.