Three
Zach: You want to know what’s horrible?
Me: Your face.
Me: OH BURNNNNN!
Me: Do you need some aloe?
Me: Zach?
Me: ZACH?! Are you mad? Was that too far?
Zach: Sorry, had to call my friend and ask him to drive me to the hospital so I could have my wounds checked out.
Zach: Also, you’re the worst.
Me: Worst…or BEST?
Zach: I’m going away now.
Me: WAIT! You never told me what’s horrible!
Zach: Oh, I didn’t? It’s
Me: Zach?
Me: ZACH
Me: ZACH?!
Me: YOU’RE the worst.
Zach: Or best, right?
Me: Sure, we’ll go with that.
Me: Why’d you text me? Is this our “thing” now? Texting?
Zach: Well I was only going to tell you about how the client loved our wrong number story so much he signed on the dotted line and then I was going to leave you alone, BUT…prepare yourself for daily texts until I grow bored.
Me: BORED? You’ll never grow bored of me!
Zach: We’ll see, won’t we?
Me: Do you do this with everyone? Climb inside their heads and psych them out?
Zach: Is that what’s happening? What exactly am I doing that’s wigging you out?
Me: Now my stupid brain says, “YOU’RE BORING!” And you’re over here like, “When I’m bored, it’s bye-bye.” So you’re going to let me get all attached and then BOOM, rip that rug right out from under me, HUH?
Zach: Are you finished?
Me: I think so.
Me: Sorry. Sometimes I get a little crazy.
Zach: A little? I couldn’t tell.
Me: Will you hold it against me?
Zach: Absolutely I will.
Me: Are you into anything weird? You seem like the type…
Zach: Are YOU trying to start a sexting convo?
Me: Omg. That DID sound super pervy.
Me: I meant, like, weird hobbies. I assumed we were on the same page here. Come on, Zach, you should know all this by now. We’re practically best friends.
Zach: You’re right. Total screw-up on my part.
Zach: My hobbies include working, working some more, and a video game marathon every now and then.
Me: So…you have no life?
Zach: Hey, whoa! I didn’t say that.
Me: You didn’t have to.
Zach: And, pray tell, what are YOUR oh-so-incredible hobbies?
Me: Well, if you must know, I enjoy…knitting.
Zach: And you say I’M the one with no life.
Zach: Are you secretly 80 or something?
Me: I AM NOT 80! I enjoy it. It’s cathartic.
Zach: What kind of things do you knit?
Me: Blankets. Hats. Socks. Potholders.
Zach: POTHOLDERS?! Wow. I’m sold.
Me: You know what? I’ll knit you something extra special and send you a pic. Give me two hours.
Zach: I’m waiting with bated breath.
Zach: Are you still alive or did you drown in a sea of yarn?
Me: Omg, Zach. You can’t just ask someone if they drowned in yarn. Did your mother not teach you any manners?
Zach: We didn’t get that far…
Me: Oh.
Zach: Hi, I’m Zach, I’m a mood killer.
Me: Hi, Zach. Thanks for being so forthcoming with that information AFTER you begged me to be your texting best friend.
Zach: So, what did you knit me?
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Zach: ARE THOSE PENIS POTHOLDERS!
Zach: You dirty, dirty girl.
Zach: I am laughing so fucking hard right now. Thank you for that.
Me: You likey?
Zach: I likey.
Me: I’ll think of you every single time I use them.
Zach: You’re too kind. They’re a wonderful gift I doubt I’ll ever receive.
Me: Hey, Zach?
Zach: Yes?
Me: I…I didn’t mean to bring up your mom. I had no idea.
Zach: Don’t sweat it. You’re still my favorite penis potholder maker…this week.
Me: Is there anything else I should know about you? Any other subjects that are off the table?
Zach: I hate clowns and bunnies. That’s about it.
Me: I’m sorry…BUNNIES?! How is that possible?
Zach: Don’t judge me. I’m sure there’s something weird out there that you’re afraid of.
Me: I can’t think of anything like that. Mine is just normal stuff, like spiders and snakes and volcanoes.
Zach: Volcanoes…but those are part of nature.
Me: So are bunnies!
Me: Also, have you seen Dante’s Peak? *shudders*
Zach: That movie isn’t even kind of scary!
Me: YES IT IS!
Me: Fine. What kind of movies scare you?
Zach: Normal ones, like Alice in Wonderland, Zootopia (BUNNIES), and Pinocchio. And Trolls.
Me: Trolls? As in the animated movie?
Zach: STOP JUDGING ME!
Me: There is no way I’ll ever not judge you now.
Zach: I’m so bored. Work is killing me today.
Me: I’m sitting in an accounting class. I win in our game of suckage.
Zach: Ouch. I bow to your bravery, my fair queen.
Me: …
Me: Did you just say that? Is your brain poisoned from all the video games? What type video games ARE you playing?
Me: Are you secretly twelve? Because I feel like that’s something a twelve-year-old would say.
Zach: Who in the world taught you how to socialize? Do you say the first thing that pops into your head? Are you deranged?
Me: My mother. Sometimes. Possibly.
Zach: You are incredibly exhausting.
Me: But still awesome.
Zach: And humble. We can’t forget that one.
Me: Check you out, having my back and all. BESTIES FOR LIFE.
Me: *whispers* But really…did you just say that? Are you still living in your parent’s basement?
Zach: Yes, I really said it. I might have fibbed about my video game playing. It’s frequent…obnoxiously so. I tend to play RPG games, but no, I don’t live in a basement. I work in one.
Me: Because that’s not still weird…
Zach: If it makes you feel any better, I own the basement I work in.
Me: Your street cred IS improving.
Zach: Oh thank god. I was worried you would never bug me ever again.
Me: Wish in one hand…
Zach: Aren’t you supposed to be paying attention in class?
Me: Yes. Now shut up.
Zach: *sends you a thousand cat pictures*
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time.
Me: Cake, brownies, ice cream? GO!
Zach: Yes.
Me: NO! Pick one! HURRY!
Me: I’m at the store getting ready to check out and I NEED TO KNOW. I can’t decide. Help a cute, hangry girl out, would ya?
Zach: How about…a brownie cake with ice cream.
Me: I think I just came.
Zach: I am known for my skills.
Me: Stop it. I’m in the middle of the damn grocery store. Save that talk for later. ;-)
Zach: Wait…really?
Me: OMG no. Pervert.
Zach: YOU STARTED IT.
Me: I need you to pick between CAKE, BROWNIES, and ICE CREAM.
Zach: Umm…brownies. With chocolate and vanilla ice cream on top. Chocolate sauce drizzled over it. And sprinkles.
Me: I hate you.
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: I put it all in my cart.
Me: It will be your fault when I fall into a sugar coma.
Zach: You can thank me later.
Me: You promise to come to my funeral?
Zach: And recount all the marvelous memories we’ve had together, including where I gently pushed you to feast upon magical desserts. I’ll lean down to your casket and whisper, “You’re welcome.”
Me: BRB, dying.
Me: Entertain me, squire!
Me: Did I say that right?
Zach: Good enough for me.
Zach: Would you rather have 1,000 puppies who barked constantly or one who hated you and never let you pet it?
Me: What in the actual hell is wrong with you?!
Zach: You HAVE to pick. It’s the only rule of Would You Rather.
Me: I asked you to entertain me, not torture me.
Zach: Tick tock.
Me: FINE. One puppy who hated me. Even though it’s the saddest thing ever, I know I couldn’t stand the barking of a thousand adorable, fluffy puppies.
Zach: I think that would be a wise decision.
Me: More entertainment, stat. I love my roommate to death but she just put on the dumbest show ever.
Zach: Which show?
Me: Something about boys in trailer parks and propane.
Zach: Oh, well, okay then. I was not expecting that answer.
Me: I wasn’t expecting to have to sit through this painful show.
Zach: Do you want to build a…
Me: SNOWMAN. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A SNOWMAN.
Zach: No. I hit send too soon. Stop it.
Zach: AS I WAS SAYING…build a tiny house or an elaborate tree house?
Me: Are you literally the devil? Do you have horns and hooves and evil minions?
Zach: What did I do now?
Me: 1. I have acrophobia, fear of heights. 2. I’m claustrophobic. 3. ARE YOU THE DAMN DEVIL?!
Zach: *dies of laughter*
Zach: How in the hell did I manage to unknowingly hit on your two greatest fears at the same time?
Me: Because you’re evil incarnate.
Zach: I’m not even sorry. *dies again*
Zach: Distraction tactic—what’s your favorite kind of cereal?
Me: Cap’n Crunch. Hurts so good. Yours?
Zach: Lucky Charms. Because just like me, they’re magically delicious.
Me: *stares*
Zach: Fine, fine. It’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I just wanted to use that cheesy line.
Me: Did you even say it with a straight face?
Zach: Hell no.
Zach: Okay, what’s one place you’d love to visit?
Me: Easy. Alaska.
Zach: Are you a winter woman?
Me: Kind of. I’m more of a fall gal. I’m slightly obsessed with Halloween.
Zach: No.
Me: Yes?
Zach: That’s my favorite holiday. Ever. Fuck birthdays and Christmas and presents. I want Halloween. Give me spooky and candy any damn day.
Me: We’re a match made in heaven.
Me: Please tell me you dress up.
Zach: I was The Green Arrow last year. You?
Me: Belle…for the last three years.
Zach: I was the red Ranger for six years when I was younger.
Me: I was the pink one for four.
Zach: Is this…meant to be?
Me: We’ll see.