When Diane called to ask me out for a girls’ day, I was pleasantly surprised. Ember had always been my go-to and in my line of work, making new friends wasn’t very easy. When I told Dion about it, he warned me to tread lightly with her. Of course, this irritated me so I made him elaborate.
Dion explained that Roger saw her as a woman who needed saving. It’s funny what men see. Because I was with her less than thirty minutes and saw her as a woman who knew the man she loved needed to save her and because she loved him, she let him. She wasn’t nearly as fragile as she appeared. Deep inside her was a bad ass dying to get out. So, when a guy (prick) I used to work with at the department interrupted us trying to enjoy our coffee, Diane didn’t shrink back.
Nope. She puffed up.
“—is very successful,” Diane defends proudly. “Instead of insulting her, you should be congratulating her.”
“I did, didn’t I?” Jim; a detective I had the displeasure of working with laughs. “I’m certain I said, I think Mercy being a PI is cute.”
“You think what I do is cute?” I say standing. Seriously, why does every douche I run into think what I do is cute? It’s fucking annoying.
“Look at you,” he laughs again. “You’re a pint-sized, PI.”
“Ah,” I say reaching into my pocket for back up. “Here we go.”
“You’re a narcissist,” Diane points at him. “And you have issues with strong women.”
“I’m a realist, honey,” he rolls his eyes. “She couldn’t cut it in a man’s world so she became a PI. Like I said, cute. Kind of pathetic but, at least you’re working.”
“That’s it,” I say, zapping him. When he grunted and went down, Diane started clapping and then like nothing happened went back to sipping her coffee. Moments later when Jim started running his mouth about both of us, I zapped him again for good measure. No one wants to listen to that shit.
Now at lunch at a different location, we’ve transitioned to cocktails and girl talk. I learned Diane loves vodka sodas because she’s on her fourth. Getting drunk made her chatty, so I supplied her with another drink with orders to spill the beans. Which is how I learned that Roger’s ex is still an issue. Dion touched on it but Diane went balls deep. Apparently, the woman tried stabbing him to death and went full-psycho when he found out he was getting remarried.
So, when she confesses, “She still follows me sometimes,” I set my glass down and asked, “What do you mean she still follows you sometimes?”
“When I’m not with Roger, she has a habit of…showing up.”
“And?”
“And what? She gives me a hard time and no, I haven’t told him.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’d lose it and then I’d never be able to go anywhere without him. I love him, Mercy but, Roger would tie me to his side if he found out. I’m sure she’ll get tired of it and move on…eventually.”
“Is she about five-eight, a hundred fifty pounds with blonde hair and huge boobs?”
Visibly tensing she mumbles, “Yes, why?”
“Oh nothing,” I say casually. “She’s just glaring daggers at you from the street.”
“Shit,” she grunts. “Not today. I’m drunk and having fun! God, I hate her. She ruins everything.”
“Do you trust me?” I ask softly.
“Of course, why?”
“Because this stops now.”
“Wait, what?”
Leaning in I explain, “You have to stand up to her, Diane. I know her type and until you shut her down, she’ll keep coming at you.”
“Nursey,” she panics. “I’m just a murse.”
And she was drunk… “You are more than a nurse, Diane. Take a stand today, I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“She’s…tough,” she whispers. “I’ve never been in a fight, ever. I’m not like you, I could never—”
“Jungle rules, baby. You don’t have to be the lion. She just needs to think you are.”
“How do I do that? Roar or something?”
“No,” I smile. “We’re going to go outside and the second we clear that door you’re going to go full Mufasa.”
“Full Mufasa,” she repeats. “Okay, what does that mean?”
“Remember the asshole at the coffee shop?”
“The one you zapped?” she says then I watch her eyes go round and smile break out on her face. “Holy shit, you’re going to zap her?”
“No, honey. But, you are.”
When her face lights up, I knew this was the right decision. Hell, even if crazy pants out there manages to dodge Diane, she’ll have me there. This bitches reign of terror ends now. Quickly giving her the CliffsNotes version I led her to the door when she asks one last time, “Just point and shoot?”
“Point and shoot,” I assure her.
And when she adds, “I have a few things to say before I zap her,” I made sure my camera was open so I could film. (Damn, kid was wearing off on me) Like a woman who has truly reached her limit, Diane storms out of the front door with purpose. Innocent pedestrians moved aside, which was smart considering she had my taser pointed at the she-devil. “You,” she growls standing right in front of her. “Make one move and I’ll drop you.”
“Fuck you, whore –” the woman began to say but couldn’t finish because she was now on the cement, writhing.
“Oh! That was fast!” Diane says staring at the weapon in her hand and it hit me, I might have created a monster. But I’d worry about that later.
“Cops will be here soon, Diane. Wrap it up.”
Standing over the woman, Diane warns, “I’m done with your shit. He chose me, get over it. Oh, and it’s always been me. And Mercy is training me to defend myself which means the next time I see you, I’ll use a gun. With bullets!”
Still filming, I felt it prudent to ask, “Uh Diane, why does Satan look like a larger, meaner, version of you?”
With sadness on her face she mutters, “Because she’s my sister.”
Hello, plot twist. “You just zapped your sister,” I laugh loud.
“I did, didn’t I?” she says right as the sirens sounded. “God, that felt good. Cops are coming, Mercy. Now what do I do? Run? Or hide?”
“Did you happen to keep records of her harassment?”
“Yes.”
“Then when they show, you press charges.”
“Okay, for what, though?”
“She was about to assault you and you had no choice but to defend yourself.”
Staring down at her sister, she says, “Hear that, Denise? I had no choice but to defend myself.”
Glancing around, Diane blurts, “She just moved, did you see that, Mercy?”
“I did,” and struggle not to laugh.
Yelling, “She’s still a threat!” Diane bent down and zapped her again.
With the cops now on site, I flashed my badge, making sure they knew the threat has been contained. On the low, I took my taser back, stuffing it in my bag. Diane, who I should mention was a live-wire, told every passer-by how bad ass she was. And yes, I sent that clip to her husband too.
Roger, for his part, would either kill me or congratulate me for corrupting his wife.
But until the shit hit the fan, we had a statement to give and drinks to finish.
#bestgirlsdayever