Taylor Graham’s annual fishbake had to move inside because of the constant rain. Which meant that instead of spreading out on the lawn by the creek for a bonfire, we were packed into his small converted trailer shoulder to shoulder. It was so tight that when my phone rang for what felt like the millionth time today, I had to apologize to the person I jostled as I reached for it. 

“Gabriel!” Kit sounded jubilant. “Everything is all lined up. Our ducks are not only in a row, they’re arranged by size and height.”

A buzzing sound started up in my head. Almost like the sound of an alarm.

Beau and Rachel were too close by for me to discuss this freely. “Hold that thought, Kit,” I said as I nudged and squeezed my way through the crowd and out into the lashing rain. “I had to get myself somewhere I could talk.”

“Can you talk now?”

I looked out over Taylor’s lawn. Gray gloom hung over everything, matching my mood, and the thunder of the creek was all-consuming. Here and there, I could see washouts at the edge of Taylor’s lawn, the swollen creek carrying off chunks of stolen land. The slope on the leftmost edge where the bonfire was usually set up had completely flooded out and the wind carved little ripples across the top of the swirling brown surge. 

It was not a pretty sight, but it still made me feel wistful. Wistful and homesick for a place I hadn’t even left yet. “I can talk,” I said, even though I knew he wanted to talk about the last thing I wanted to hear.

Beau and Rachel didn’t know that I was considering this my going-away party. Nobody knew, because I hadn’t had the guts to tell them, because I hadn’t wanted to say it aloud and make it true. Part of me hoped I could disappear in the wee hours tomorrow morning without anyone seeing me go. 

Without running the risk of having to say goodbye. 

“Great,” Kit said, sounding impatient. “You know I’d usually send a car, but—”

“I can drive myself,” I interrupted curtly. I didn’t want to hear about how my hometown was little more than a speck on the map. I felt a strange surge of pride for the place I’d only started to appreciate. “What time do you need me at the airport?” 

The noise in my head grew as thunderous as the creek. Kit was talking in earnest now, laying out details and itineraries, but I heard none of it. Staring out at the rushing water, I wondered if I was imagining things or if the flood had crept even closer to the house as I stood here. I felt like it was coming for me, coming to sweep me under. 

For months, all I’d wanted was to leave this place. Now that it was finally happening, why did I feel like I was drowning?

“Gabe? Are you there?” Kit asked.

I opened my mouth to answer him.

Then I pulled my phone away from my ear and deliberately ended the call. 

The crush of bodies had packed even tighter. Over the sea of bobbing heads I saw Beau looking down, a fond smile on his face as he watched Rachel dance. She was stiff and awkward, but there was something about her graceless exuberance that was completely captivating. Beau certainly seemed to think so. 

I started to move to them, then stopped, an ache in my chest opening up like a canyon across my heart. I didn’t want to see the two of them happy like that, marveling in how they’d found each other. I’d had that. I’d fucking had exactly that, and I’d ended it. I’d ended it rather than risk having Everly end it for me when I told her I was leaving. 

If that wasn’t the definition of shooting yourself in the foot, I didn’t know what else it could be. By rights I should be limping again. 

A whoop went up from the people by the front door. A couple of guys walked in and I felt the slight rush of recognition, though I didn’t know from where or why. Three guys, all skinny and pale. It was raining like a bitch outside, but I guessed that sheen on their skin was sweat and not water. 

“Fuck,” I murmured. My hands itched, fingers curling in, already gripping the imaginary pill bottle. My mouth flooded with saliva, ready to swallow them down dry. I knew these guys because they were me two years ago.

What’s the harm? my racing brain wanted to know. Already I was making plans for how I could bliss out for the next few arduous hours. I’d wake up feeling shitty, but then I felt shitty sober too, so what was the difference? I could score a few pills off these dudes and skip the next few horrid hours, skip forward in time to where leaving was inevitable.

I’d almost convinced myself this was a good plan when I spotted Rachel. 

Beau was turned away, talking to Taylor. He didn’t see how Rachel was watching the three new arrivals in open fascination. To my horror, this sheltered and naïve girl just starting to break free of her past made a beeline for the pillheads. 

“No!” I growled. In three steps , I’d intercepted her, catching her up in my arms before she could get their attention. “Rachel. No.”

She fought like a panicked wildcat to get free and I let go of her before she started yelling. “Hey! Hey hey hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry I grabbed you.”

“What the hell is going on?” Beau was at her side in an instant. She hugged herself, taking deep breaths. “You can’t fucking grab her like that, man!” he shouted. Beau never shouted. “It freaks her out.”

I raked my fingers through my hair. “I’m sorry, Rachel.” I felt about two inches tall. “Just…keep her away from the pillheads, okay? Don’t open that door. You might never get it closed again.”

Beau looked at me and then down at the calming Rachel. “I told you no,” he said. “I’ll take care of you when you want to drink, but nothing more than that.”

“You don’t get to tell me no,” Rachel hissed. “You’re not in charge of me. No one is.”

“Fuck,” I repeated, raking my hands through my hair again. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m just—I need some air.” I turned away from my brother, who was so busy arguing with Rachel he didn’t notice when I headed back out into the rain.