December 10
Dear Diary,
Dr. Lowell came in and released me to go home today. I’m so ready to get out of this place! I’ll miss Damian sleeping next to me every night, though—the last two nights he technically wasn’t supposed to be here, but after I begged Tammy, she relented. I guess dating the doctor’s son has its perks.
My mom is packing my things, and Dad’s signing the paperwork. Damian’s arms are full of flowers, balloons and stuffed animals—most of which came from him, anyway. He looks adorable. I don’t think he’s stopped smiling since he woke up this morning.
Since I’m not allowed to go back to school and Damian’s still expelled, I hoped I’d get to spend more time with him. Unfortunately, though, I’m pretty much on house arrest for a week. Not to mention Damian’s at the hospital all day. Dad wouldn’t let him stay over while I’m alone, anyway, I guess. What am I supposed to do with my time?
“We’ll figure something out,” Damian whispered.
“Hey!” I closed my diary and glared at him. I hadn’t seen him reading over my shoulder.
The mischievous glint in his eye made him look even cuter.
“So you think I’m adorable, huh?”
I nudged him on the arm, heat warming my cheeks. He chuckled.
“No one reads my diary!”
Damian’s eyebrows rose. “No one?”
“No one,” I said, unable to help smiling at his dimples.
He scanned the room, probably for prying eyes. Then, he leaned in and kissed me.
“You meet their approval, you know.” I nestled my head in his shoulder.
His smile faded. “They don’t really know me.” He sighed and looked at me. “And neither do you.”
I dropped my gaze quickly. “Why me, Damian? I’m sick.”
He sucked his lip between his teeth and started chewing on it. “You don’t expect me to be someone I’m not.”
Something told me that wasn’t all of it, but it was enough. For now.
I turned his face toward me. Not caring who saw, I drew him close and covered his lips with mine. When he started to back away, I hummed, “Mmm-hmm,” and pulled him closer, kissing him harder. He finally relaxed and returned the kiss.
Our kiss was broken by my dad clearing his throat loudly. Damian’s eyes shot open. He immediately sat back, glancing over at my dad. I, on the other hand, felt a little daring. Either Damian and I had switched roles or it was the antibiotic’s fault. Whichever, I didn’t care what my dad thought. I lifted my head, blocking Damian’s view so he was forced to look at me. His eyes widened as I kissed him again.
Somewhere behind me, I heard my mom chuckle. When I turned my head, my father was doing his best to hide a grin. He cocked an eyebrow at my mom, silent words passing between them. I looked back at Damian, whose ocean blue eyes seemed brighter.
“All right you two,” Dad said, the corner of his mouth turned up. “Time to go.”
If I hadn’t almost died, I probably couldn’t have pulled it off. My tiny moment of defiance surprised even me.
Damian reached from around his armload to help me off the hospital bed. Leslie scooted the wheelchair over.
“I can walk, you know,” I said.
“You should take it easy today, Kate,” Damian said as I reluctantly took his hand.
Leslie grinned at him. “Plus, it’s hospital policy.”
“Pfft.” I sat down and tried to make myself comfortable. So not possible. “Since I have to ride out of here, I might as well take some of that off your hands,” I told Damian.
“I got it. Just enjoy the ride.” He winked, and I rolled my eyes.
I hated being outnumbered.
When I stepped through the front door of my house, I half-expected a choir of angels to be singing the “Hallelujah Chorus” in the living room. I took in our den with new, thankful eyes. My dad put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek. “Welcome home, princess.” He said the same thing each time I returned home; it never got old.
My mother and Damian took all my belongings to my room while Dad stacked up some pillows behind me on the sofa. I heard Damian’s hurried footsteps above me as he arranged the gifts he’d carried in around my room. With an open invitation from my mother, he stayed with me for the rest of the day.
We walked to my room together that evening. When Damian opened the door, it looked as though the flowers had doubled. I gaped at him. He grinned and tugged me close.
“What is this?” I asked. “It looks like a floral shop threw up in here.”
Damian shrugged.
“When did you…Why?”
Damian didn’t say anything. He took my hand and led me into the room. I closed my eyes and let the scent of the flowers envelop me. In my mind, I imagined standing in a field of roses with the moon shining above me and the breeze sweeping up the long hair I used to have. I pictured Damian walking toward me wearing a tuxedo and holding more roses. He was smiling wildly. I glanced down and like magic, a beautiful gown of gray and white taffeta and sheers covered me and blew behind me in the wind.
When I opened my eyes, Damian stood behind me, his fingers moving slowly over the back of my neck. His lips followed his touch. My eyelids fell closed again, but this time I wasn’t transported to the field of flowers. I stayed in the moment, concentrating on each touch, each delicate kiss.
His fingers moved from the back of my neck to my front, his hands gliding over the top of my chest. Air caught in my throat. Damian’s lips moved to nibble on my ear. I gasped, and felt Damian grin against my neck.
When I opened my eyes, a chain with a silver heart rested around my neck. Inside the heart were three silver arrowed loops; two pointing out, one straining down. I lifted the charm off my chest and stared at it in the palm of my hand.
"It’s the Celtic symbol for hope," Damian murmured in my ear. "Now you’ll always know where to find it."
“It’s beautiful,” I said, remembering the tattoos on his chest and arm. I turned to face him. “Damian, thank—”
He put a finger over my lips, stopping me. Then he kissed me with everything he had.
~*~
Since I couldn’t go anywhere, Damian came over the next day. He walked in on a game of Rook between my mother and me.
“Do you know how to play?” my mom offered.
“Uh,” Damian glanced at me and snickered. “No, I don’t.”
I grimaced. “We can’t have that! Deal him in, Mom!”
While trying to explain the rules, my dad came home from a Saturday morning at the office. He put the boxes of fresh pizzas on the table and shook Damian’s hand.
“They sucker you into playing?”
“Sort of,” Damian answered, staring at his hand.
Dad leaned over his shoulder and gave him some pointers as Mom and I headed for the kitchen for paper plates and soda. Holding a glass in each hand, I stopped at the entryway to the dining room. My dad and Damian were laughing together. Mom came up beside me and paused. She watched for a few seconds, then nodded at me.
“Did I tell you that when I was pregnant with you, the ultrasound said you were a boy?”
I cocked my head to the side. “No, you didn’t.”
She laughed. “Yes. Your father was so excited; he always wanted a son.”
Turning my attention back to the dining room table, I noticed my father’s hand resting on Damian’s shoulder.
“He went all out on your nursery, decking it out in all sorts of sports stuff.” She chuckled. “When you were born and the doctor announced that you were a girl, I’ll never forget the disappointment on your father’s face.”
“Disappointment? In me?”
Dad gave Damian a high five in the other room. Damian put down his cards, and I was sure that the conversation had nothing to do with the card game.
“But then, I placed you in his arms. You stared up at him with your big brown eyes, and he’s never looked away since.”
A lump swelled in my throat as I watched my dad interact with Damian. I couldn’t help but wonder what if…what if I didn’t pull through.
My hand instinctively went to the charm around my neck. 'It’s the Celtic symbol for hope. Now you’ll always know where to find it.' I squeezed it. There were no “what if’s.” I would defeat this thing once and for all.
Holding my head up high, I walked into the dining room and set the two sodas on the table. We laughed, ate, and played Rook until the sun went down; Dad and Damian on a team and me and my mother on the other. Not surprisingly, Mom and I kicked their butts!
Afterward, we all gathered in the den to watch a movie. Mom and Dad sat on the sofa, and Damian and I cuddled on pillows and blankets on the floor.
“Since Kate and I won, you guys pick the movie.”
Damian shot my dad a glance. “Bond? James Bond?”
“Old or new?”
“New. Shaken or stirred?”
“Do I look like I give a damn?” Dad said in his perfect James Bond impression.
They both laughed. I just enjoyed being close to Damian and feeling like being part of a normal family.
~*~
I stayed in bed until noon on Sunday while my parents were at church. My head hurt and the room spun like one of those carnival rides where you stick to the side and the floor drops out. I refused breakfast but accepted Mom’s offer of Ibuprofen.
When I awoke, Damian had his head resting on my stomach. He was scribbling something in a notebook. I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair, which contained less gel than it used to. He moaned softly and turned his head to look at me. His smile was breathtaking, showing off both dimples.
“Hey, beautiful.” His voice stirred the butterflies in my stomach. “How are you feeling?”
It took me a second to answer. From the moment I opened my eyes, the only thing on my mind had been how his hand curled over mine. “A little woozy.”
Damian frowned. “I kept you up too late last night.”
I shook my head. “No. I wouldn’t trade yesterday for anything. What are you writing?”
His smile returned. “Lyrics for a song I’m working on.”
“Hmm,” I hummed. “Can I hear it?”
“Someday. When it’s finished.”
I puffed out my lower lip. “No sneak peak?”
“Maybe later.”
He tossed the notebook on the floor and moved his head to my pillow, pulling me into him. I rested on his shoulder and nestled my face into his chest, breathing him in. The scent of his deodorant filled my nostrils.
And that was it. Just deodorant.
I inhaled him again, then lifted my eyes up at him, confused.
He grinned down on me guessing my thoughts. “I quit. It made you sick.”
In response, I touched his cheek and drew him to my lips. He tasted so good. I didn’t want to stop, but my body had other thoughts. I closed my eyes and lay back down on his chest, drifting back off to sleep.
My mom brought us dinner in bed. I still wasn’t hungry, but I ate a few bites of homemade honey bread and some spoonfuls of soup. After a movie in Damian’s arms, he went home, and I dozed off.
In the morning, my headache had vanished. Suddenly, I felt like I could take on the world! Since Damian worked at the hospital all day, I texted him as often as he’d answer. Missing his gorgeous face, I went to the hospital early and sat in the Commons to wait for him.
I threw my arms around his neck as soon as he walked in. We were alone in the room, so he challenged me to a game of Mario Kart. Not surprisingly, he beat me with ease.
“Okay, how about a wager this time?” He lifted his eyebrows.
“No! There’s no contest!”
“If you lose, I get to treat you to a Christmas dinner this weekend. And if I win, you…I dunno…have to kiss me?”
I slugged him playfully and accepted his terms. After I lost, I kissed him eagerly.
“Wait! I don’t think that bet was fair,” I exclaimed, finally realizing what he’d said.
Damian flashed a mischievous grin. “You accepted.”
Dr. Lowell knocked on the open door. “Kate?”
Both of us turned.
“I don’t want you hanging out here except for treatments, okay? This place is full of germs.”
I stole a glance at Damian, then back at his father. “Okay.”
Damian grunted and flopped back against the sofa.
I lifted his arm and curled up against him. “How are things between you two?”
Damian inhaled deeply. “Not better, but at least not worse. I guess that’s improvement.” He kissed my head. “I hate to admit it, but he’s got a point. Maybe it’s best if you don’t come here unless it’s necessary.”
“I just wanted to see you.”
That adorable impish gleam sparkled in his eye. “How about you come over to my house for a swim tomorrow? I’ll make up something to stay home.”
I bit my lip and sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not supposed to leave the house.”
“It’s just me, and I see you in the evenings anyway.”
My shoulders fell. “My parents said—”
“Do you always listen to your parents?”
I shifted my gaze to the floor. “I can’t.”
“Rules are meant to be broken, Kate.”
“Not for me,” I said softly.
“You don’t have to be the perfect daughter all the time.”
“Yes, I do.”
Damian crossed his arms waiting for me to explain.
I pursed my lips together. “My parents gave up everything for me when I was diagnosed. They quit their jobs in Nebraska, sold our house, put Granny in a nursing home, and moved here so I’d be under your father’s care. I can’t disappoint them.” Unable to stop them, the tears began to slip out. “They never counted on having a broken daughter.”
“Ah, shit,” Damian muttered, folding his arms around me. “You’re not broken, baby. You could never disappoint anyone.”
He snuggled me into his chest. I sobbed into his shirt, feeling his warmth surround me. He pressed his lips on my head.
“Come on. You’re gonna be late.” He pulled back and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“Yeah.” I sniffled and forced a smile. “We have to go all the way next door.”
Damian took my hand and walked with me to the chemo room where Leslie was unhooking a little boy at the end of his treatment. The child’s eyes were sunken in, and he looked pale. He still had a full head of hair.
Damian stood frozen in the doorway, shock visible in his sapphire eyes. I squeezed his hand once before letting go and walking over the boy. He couldn’t be older than nine.
“Hey, there,” I said, smiling at him. “I’m Kate.”
“Hi. I’m Brennan,” he said in a raspy voice.
I ruffled his hair. “Hang in there, bud. Leslie’s a great nurse.”
I didn’t see Damian come up next to me. “And you have a good doctor, kid.”
Brennan nodded, then walked over to where his mother and Leslie were speaking.
“That was a nice thing to say,” I said, looking up at Damian.
He shrugged. “It’s the truth.”
When Leslie finished with Brennan’s mother, she inserted the chemo tubes into my central line. “Thanks for your help today, Damian.”
I shot him a quick glance.
“Sure,” he said. “No problem.”
“Apple or orange, Kate?” Leslie asked.
“Apple.”
“Be right back.” She walked out the door.
“What was that about?” I asked as soon as Leslie had left.
“I don’t know. Just doing my job.”
I stared at him but decided not to probe. I searched for a deck of Rook cards in my purse, and we had time for half a hand before Leslie returned with my juice.
“Anything else?” she asked, looking not only at me, but also at Damian.
We both shook our heads.
“I’ll be out here if you need me.”
Damian and I played cards for a while until I asked, “Could you please find me some crackers? My stomach is turning.”
“Sure.” He gave me a swift kiss and left for the cafeteria.
As soon as he was gone, I stood up and walked to the door, peeking out. I saw him round the corner toward the elevators. After a couple minutes, my pole and I sauntered to the nurses’ station. I felt like a spy, my eyes darting around to make sure he had left.
Leslie glanced up from her paperwork, eyeing me suspiciously. “I just saw Damian walk by?”
“Yeah. I don’t have much time,” I whispered. “Why did you thank him? What did he do?”
Leslie grinned. “Curious, are we? He helped me clean up after a little girl in the chemo room today. Then he took her to the Commons and played Wii with her until her treatment was over. He’s becoming a real asset around here. You’re changing him, Katie.”