Love, Hate & Us by S.P. West (2)

Brody

Snatching up the letter that has taken me the best part of a day to write, I toss it into the dancing flames of the fire in the grate. The paper disappears within moments and with it the words that I’ve struggled to write.

A ding on my cell tells me that I’ve gotten yet another message, a brief glance tells me that it’s from Brooke.

Please tell me that you’re safe.

I sling my cell onto the couch beside me, placing a pillow over it for good measure.

Three days. That’s how long I’ve been hiding away, avoiding Brooke.

She must be going out of her mind with worry by now. Knowing her, she’s contacted half the country to find out where I am right now. Which is why I sent a quick text to Cade to let him know that I’m safe, in case she contacted him or my parents. I didn’t want to worry them unnecessarily, which is kind of ironic really.

Admittedly, it’s also one of my more selfish dick moves and Brooke doesn’t deserve it, but I’m all out of ideas of what to do.

How exactly do you explain to your fiancée that you don’t want to be with her anymore?

The way I saw it, I had two options. One was to man up and tell her the truth, the second was to run away and hide like a coward. I chose the second one.

I’m not proud of myself and I’m sure that karma will kick me in the ass at some point, but it’s not like I suddenly woke up one day and thought I’m not sure that I love her anymore…actually, that is what happened.

The whole situation is pretty shitty. Am I doing the right thing? I don’t know. Will I regret this? Probably, but I’ve started down this path, no turning back now. Brooke’s a pretty forgiving person, but this time I think I might have gone too far, even for her. So, this…whatever it is, has to be dealt with. If you can call sitting in the dark, festering in my own filth, dealing with it.

There’s a constant war raging between my heart and my head. My head tells me that what we had is gone, my heart can’t begin to imagine what it’ll be like not to have Brooke in my life anymore.

Everything I’ve ever done has been with Brooke. Okay, there was that time I dated that other girl in high school, but that was nothing compared to what Brooke and I have. Had. What we had.

Jesus, this sucks.

I don’t want to hurt her. I’ve never wanted to hurt her, but I just can’t shake off the feeling that I’m missing out somehow. All my adult life, all my childhood has been spent with one person. Is it so wrong that I want the freedom to explore who I am? To live my life like Cade does and not worry about whether what I do or say will be best for us as a couple. I want what’s best for me.

When you’ve been in a relationship for as long as we have, people stop seeing you as you. You stop being an individual and become part of someone else. When others talk about me, it’s never just me, it’s always Brooke and me. It never used to bother me so much but recently it’s become kind of...stifling.

My cell starts to vibrate with an incoming call. For a moment I’m tempted to not look at the screen and ignore it, in case it’s Brooke, but curiosity gets the better of me.

Cade.

“Yo.”

“Dude, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Hello to you, too, brother.”

“Don’t brother me, asshat. I’ve just got off a call with your fiancée. You need to call her.” The mention of Brooke sends a pang to my heart.

“How was she?”

“Scared. Heartbroken. Confused. Angry. Pick one, pick all of the above.”

“You told her about the text I sent you, jerkoff? I asked you not to.”

“I don’t care about what you asked me to do, dickhead. What you’re doing to her is cruel and she doesn’t deserve it.”

“I know.”

“She has been going out of her mind with worry,” he continues, “while you’ve been sitting on your ass, staring at the fluff in your navel, feeling sorry for yourself. What the hell is going on with you?”

“People change.”

“People don’t change overnight, Brody. Last time we spoke, you were looking forward to looking at wedding venues. So, what the fuck happened?”

“Joely.” I answer quietly.

“WHAT?” he yells down the line. “Please tell me that you have not got fucking involved with her!”

“Well…”

“She’s fucking toxic, man. If you’ve cheated on Brooke with that skank…”

“Calm your tits, little brother. I haven’t cheated on Brooke.”

“So, what?”

“Joely is a complication.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s just say that I’m having to clean up yours and dad’s mess.”

“Still doesn’t explain why the fuck you’re treating Brooke like shit.”

“Like I said, people change.”

“Pfft.” He scoffs.

“Like you’re one to talk, Cade. Do I have to mention Hope?”

“Low blow.”

“But true.”

“Talk to me then. Let me know where your head is at, because you are not sounding like my sensible older brother right now.”

“That’s just it.”

“What is?”

“I’m tired of being sensible, Cade.” I scrub my hand over my face as I try to find the right words. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“When you were with Hope, did you ever feel like you wanted more? Like you wanted to see what was out there?”

He lets out a sad laugh. “That’s what got me into the mess I’m in now, dude.”

“I hear you.” I sigh, “I’ve only ever known life with Brooke. Is it so wrong that I want something different?”

“Do you want an honest answer or one that’ll make you feel better about yourself?”

“The first one.”

“No, it’s not, but the way you’re going about it is making you look like a major douche. If you’re going to end it with Brooke, then just end it. Don’t sit there and lead her on, giving her a tiny bit of hope that you’ll change your mind.”

“What if I do?”

“Do what?”

“Change my mind. What if I suddenly realize that I made a mistake and Brooke is what I want?”

“Then you’ll have to cross that bridge when you come to it.”

“What did you do?”

“I broke my fucking heart,” he answers quietly.

“I’m sorry, man.”

“Don’t be, brother. It’s my own fault.”

“Yeah but…still.”

“Do me a favor. Think about what you really want. Don’t be blinded by feelings of missing out. Waking up with someone different each night isn’t all it’s cut out to be, believe me.”

“You sure?”

“It’s great at first.” He chuckles. “But it quickly wears thin, and then you start realizing that you let the best thing that ever happened to you go.” In all the years I’ve had the privilege of being Cade’s older brother, I’ve not once heard him sound so down. Like a man carrying a great weight on his shoulders. “Listen, dude, I have to go. I’ve got a sound check to do. Call me if you need anything. And for God’s sake, talk to Brooke.”

“Thanks, man,” I say, ending the call.

What the hell am I going to do?

I spend the next few hours staring straight ahead as the light fades and turns to night, thinking of everything…of nothing as I turn everything over in my mind. The air turns chilly, yet still I don’t move. I stay that way until my cell pings with another message notification. A quick look lets me know that it’s from Brooke.

Coward.

Guess Cade told her about my message. Asshat.

I start to type out my response before stopping myself. I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep hurting her like I am. Brooke deserves the truth and she deserves to hear it from me in person. Not from my brother, but from me. If I want to end things with her, then I’ve got to stop thinking that there is an us anymore.

I think that the hardest thing is getting up the courage to end it once and for all. Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I’m actually doing the right thing by sparing both of us a miserable future together. Who knows? But I need to finish things, for both our sakes.