‘So you came here to see me?’ I asked, unnecessarily. ‘I hope I haven’t upset you… being here. I wanted to see Australia, Sydney particularly, so I thought I’d try and see a bit of Dan too… Not a bit of him, I mean all of him. Fully dressed… Like a friend, yes, just friends, nothing more…’ Oh God, I was starting over again.

She looked up and nodded slowly, her beautiful eyes gave nothing away.

‘Dan said you’re cool with us… I wouldn’t want to hurt you by just sweeping in and…’ I started again, observing her perfect nails, long tanned arms, glowing skin. She really was an attractive woman, about Dan’s age, perhaps a little younger, which made her at least ten years younger than me.

‘Oh hey, I am cool. I know how it is. You two go back a long way…’ she spoke for the first time.

‘I don’t know what Dan’s told you.’

‘Everything,’ she said, and with that she fixed her gaze right on me and I felt myself blush.

‘I need a drink,’ I said, knowing a glass of something from Molly’s medicine cabinet was the only way I was going to get myself and my nerves through this. I rummaged around in the cupboard and found a bottle of gin and some very old tonic – I doubted Molly ever diluted her alcohol, even her cocktails seemed to be a mix of spirits and liqueurs. I found two glasses and poured us both a large gin. ‘Tonic?’ I asked, and as she nodded, I poured. ‘I just hope it’s not going to kill us, I think it’s been in that cupboard since 1963,’ I smiled, putting her glass in front of her.

She sniffed the glass. ‘Arsenic?’ she said, and I laughed nervously and tried to reassure her I wasn’t going to murder her, though I wasn’t sure the same could be said for Molly’s ancient gin.

‘You’re safe,’ I said and added rather creepily, ‘I’m not about to commit a crime of passion,’ which kind of gave the impression that I might, so I tried to smile, but she just looked worried.

She took a glug of gin, then placed both palms flat on the table, like she was about to make an announcement. I couldn’t think what she possibly had to say to me – then I thought, if she’s pregnant, I don’t want to know. But if she tells me she is with child, Dan’s, and it’s happened all over again before I got here, then I’m going to finish this bottle of gin all by myself in two minutes flat.

‘Do you know Dan carries photos of you in his wallet?’ she said suddently.

I was surprised, a little pleased too. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah, he showed me on the first night we met.’

Presenting a woman with photos of your ex wasn’t the greatest chat-up line I’d ever heard.

‘He never lied to me,’ she continued. ‘He told me from the start that he was in love with someone else.’

‘Oh, that must have been… difficult?’ I said, thinking how strange this conversation was, and where exactly was it going?

‘No, not really, I was still in love with my ex. Dan was a one-night stand… Okay, a two- or three-night stand. He’s a great guy…’

‘Yes, he is,’ I nodded, waiting for Saffron’s declaration of love.

‘But I was never in love with him.’

Hallelujah, was all I could think. I wanted to leap on the table and sing ‘Who Runs the World?’ in my Beyoncé voice, but this would probably alarm given the circumstances, so I made do with a large slug of gin, which burned my throat and made me think it might not be gin after all. Oh, the irony of hearing this wonderful news while inadvertently poisoning myself!

‘It should have happened once, I should have got dressed, left his flat and never gone back. But then we bumped into each other again. We were both drunk, he was upset and I’d just found out my ex was with another woman and it happened again. I saw him as a friend,’ she added, gesturing to herself, resting her hand on her chest, covered in gold chains twinkling on bronzed skin. ‘Look, this isn’t about me and Dan, or you and Dan.’

‘Oh?’

‘No, it’s about Clover.’

‘Of course,’ I said, my heart lurching, waiting for her to say, ‘Back off, bitch’. ‘I understand. I have a daughter – and a granddaughter – myself. I’m a mother too, Saffron, and I understand that whatever us adults do, we have to consider Clover.’

‘Clover was never going to be part of a cosy mummy-daddy life. My mum was a single mum and I know how hard it is, but I never wanted to stay with Dan, even though I sometimes wondered if I should.’ She lifted her hand up as if to stress this. ‘You were always there. You lay between us in bed, you stood beside him when we’d kiss, shared our bloody snacks in the cinema,’ she laughed.

The idea of me metaphorically lurking in the background of their relationship wasn’t comfortable to hear. ‘Do you think you could have made a go of it if I hadn’t met him first?’ I asked.

‘No, Dan and I don’t work. We’re friends who happened to get pregnant and we have to make the best of it. I was just trying to explain to you how much you mean to him… He says you’re not sure what to do?’

‘No, I just don’t know. Dan keeps talking about me moving in with him, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re being pushed out… or…’

‘God no, it’s not like that! Thing is, I don’t know what to do myself. I’ve been offered this artist-in-residence post for a year.’

‘Oh, that’s good, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah, but it’s full-time. It might involve some travel around Australia and I don’t know what to do about Clover. My ex – Kevin – says I should stay here and we should get married, and I should just get a job and Clover will be fine and…’

This story felt all too familiar to me. Here was a young woman whose choices were now limited because of her child, just as mine had been. She seemed to sense my understanding, like she knew my history, and was asking me what I thought she should do. I suddenly felt the weight of responsibility on me, but at the same time she was reaching out to me and I wanted to help her, guide her through this mess.

‘Yes, I’m sure Clover would be fine if you got married and took any job. But would you be fine?’ I asked. ‘As soon as we become mums we lose ourselves a little, and that’s not how it should be. Our kids come first, but we have to have a bite of the cherry too, our lives aren’t over the day we give birth – in fact, they’re just beginning. I said goodbye to Dan because I had to be with my daughter, Emma, but it wasn’t a totally selfless act, it was for my own sake too. I had a dream to follow, a degree to finish and a family to support – and I was determined not to lose sight of that. I got my degree, I’m independent and my family is fine, but I had to put myself into the equation and ask what I wanted too.’

She was looking at me with such intent. ‘Faye, you’re so right, the minute you become a mum everything you want seems selfish… And if we ask for what we want, because we’re mothers, it can feel so wrong.’

‘But it isn’t. It’s about compromise, yes – but it doesn’t have to be about losing yourself in all this.’

She looked at me thoughtfully, then said, ‘I really, really want to paint. I’m thirty and I’ve messed around too long, this is my chance to really build a portfolio, make a career, you know?’

‘That’s exactly what I mean, we put ourselves and our needs last. Of course our kids have to come first – but be kind to yourself too, Saffron.’

I was surprised at how this had all turned out. I’d envisaged Saffron as this selfish, irresponsible woman, who wanted to ditch her child at every opportunity, but in truth she was just like me, trying to balance her own life against her baby’s.

‘I really want this…’ She looked like a million thoughts were whirling through her head, hope and excitement now dancing in her eyes.

‘So go for it, don’t hang around taking work you don’t want. You’ll start with a job in a coffee shop and tell yourself it’s “just for now”, and twenty years will go by and you’ll wonder where yesterday went,’ I said, thinking of my own life before I met Dan and broke free.

‘But what about Clover? I’m so torn, Faye… Kevin’s offering me stability, and I don’t know if I want to be a single mum – like my mum was.’

‘I understand what you’re going through. I was eighteen and pregnant but I chose to marry the father because there was so much pressure at the time. I cared about him, we had our moments, but I made the wrong choice. Marriage is hard enough when you really love someone, but marrying for your child and hoping the love bit will catch up just doesn’t work,’ I said.

She nodded. ‘I think I love Kevin, but…’

‘If you say “think” before love, then add “but” straight after you probably don’t,’ I said gently. I was probably overstepping the mark; I hardly knew this woman and yet we walked the same road. ‘Trust me,’ I added, ‘when you love someone, thinking doesn’t come into it. You know, and there are no buts.’

I looked at her and thought of Emma. What would I advise Emma to do?

‘If you were my daughter, I’d tell you to take the residency, put yourself in the driving seat and be with Clover as much as you can. I know Dan will help with Clover and you’ve agreed to share her so you two will just have to work things out. You can have a rota and you make sure you do your thing and he does his, but Clover must always come first.’

‘You make it sound easy, but even this week I couldn’t have Clover. Dan had begged me to come back and look after her, said it was make or break for you two, that you needed some time to yourselves. But being an artist isn’t nine to five and I got caught up in my work and… I’m sorry you had to take Clover with you.’

‘Don’t apologise for Clover. She was a joy… even when she filled her nappy and projectile vomited and kept us up all night with colic.’ We both laughed at this. ‘You know, Saffron, if I’m honest, I’m kind of missing her tonight.’

‘That’s what I hoped you’d say,’ she smiled.

‘Why?’

‘Because Dan’s going to be with Clover for at least half her life – and whatever I decide to do, I want the woman who’s with him to be as lovely as you.’

‘That’s a kind thing to say, but I haven’t even made up my mind if I’m staying, or even if he wants me.’

‘Oh, he wants you.’

‘I sometimes wonder why?’

‘Who knows what brings two people together? Do you remember at school those couples where you’d think, how did he get her? And how did she get him, she’s punching way above her weight? But it’s something between two people, and it can’t be put into a box and labelled. I’ll be honest, I wondered for a while what the hell a middle-aged hairdresser from England had that I didn’t. Was she good in bed? Was it a mother thing?’

I bristled at this. ‘I doubt it was “the mother thing”,’ I said. ‘And God knows, I’m not Cindy Crawford, but as you say, sometimes people get together and they just work. Hey, is it such a bloody mystery that someone like Dan loved someone like me?’ I asked, feigning a laugh.

‘No, I can kind of see it now.’ She was weighing me up and down and I was waiting for some thinly veiled insult.

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah, you’ve got something. I don’t know what it is, but you do… and it rocks his world.’

‘Thanks… I think.’

She smiled. ‘But I’ll never understand why you two split in the first place if you both feel the same?’

‘My daughter, I had to be there for her and I wouldn’t have been happy anywhere else.’

‘You must have felt like shit when you got here and found out he had a kid?’ she said bluntly.

‘Yes, that’s exactly how I felt, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that it was a good thing. If Dan and I stayed together, he’d never have Clover in his life, and she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him.’

She sighed. ‘Ironic, isn’t it? I felt that clock ticking and threw away my pills when I was with Kevin. I knew there was a chance I’d get pregnant and I think subconsciously, that’s what I wanted. Still, when I saw that line on the test, no one was more surprised than me – except Dan.’ She smiled at the memory. ‘He was lovely about it, happy at the prospect of being a dad – but we were both doubtful about us being together.’

I poured us both another gin, and we sat and let the silence swallow us up. This hadn’t been the cat fight I’d thought it was going to be. This woman was opening up in a way I’d never expected and I felt like she needed me.

She put her face in her hands, slowly moving her fingers along her cheeks, revealing her eyes again. She looked tired, like she’d been wrestling with all this for a long time. And as her face emerged from her hands and I looked at her properly for the first time, I realised I’d seen her before.

‘You were supposed to be in Perth, but you were on the beach. I bumped into you and later, in the coffee shop – it was you in the toilets, wasn’t it? I saw you leave,’ I said, slightly taken aback by this realisation.

She leaned forward, one hand touching my arm. ‘Yes… I just hoped you didn’t know who I was.’

‘I didn’t – but I do now, I just realised and… and it’s a bit creepy,’ I admitted.

‘I wasn’t sure if you’d seen a photo of me and might know who I was.’

‘No, I didn’t want to see a photo of you.’

‘Well, I didn’t have any choice. I was faced with a montage of photos of you!’ She gave me a look of mock outrage, but she was smiling.

‘Sorry!’ I pulled an awkward face, and we both laughed.

‘You know, my biggest fear in all this has been what will happen to Clover… Not just me taking the job, but moving out and Dan meeting someone else. I know the kind of guy he is and he’d never give Clover up, he wants to be in her life. When he told me you were coming to Sydney, I panicked…’

‘Why?’

She sighed. ‘As I said, my mum was a single parent, but my dad stayed in touch, sent birthday cards, sometimes called by unannounced, which caused all kinds of rows and shouting – usually around Christmas, which was nice. Then he married this bitch and wanted to play happy families all of a sudden, so I had to stay with them every other weekend. She was vile, really resented me, like she was jealous, and when they went on to have their own kids she was even worse. She judged me, always criticising, always finding mean ways to leave me out,’ she said, her voice still holding onto the residue of childhood hurt and anger. ‘My stepmother was just jealous and didn’t want any reminders of Dad’s previous relationships hanging around her house.’ She took a sip of gin and came alive again as she remembered something she’d kept hidden: ‘Do you know, she once arranged for a family photo shoot and didn’t invite me – for years I had to look at this bloody big photo on their wall of her and Dad and their two kids. It said “family” in big letters above and I wanted to punch the glass.’

She stopped talking for a moment and seemed to gather herself together, her eyes were filled with tears.

‘Thing is, Faye, I don’t want Clover to ever feel like that – like she doesn’t belong.’

I reached out and took her hand. ‘Oh love, Dan wouldn’t let that happen – and if I have anything to do with it, she’ll never, ever feel excluded from anything.’

‘I know it looks a bit weird, but it was important to me – it’s why I wanted to watch you, see how you were with her. You could have put it on for show if you’d known I was there, like my stepmother did for my mum and dad. But you didn’t, you were so natural with her, and even in the toilets, when no one was there, not even Dan, you were talking to her like I do, telling her she was loved and beautiful… Faye, I was crying in that cubicle.’

‘Oh God! I only realised someone was in there afterwards, and I worried they might think I was crazy, telling a two-month-old she could do anything.’

‘My mum used to say that to me. “Saffy, you can do anything, be anything…” She struggled all her life, she wanted the best for me – we all do for our kids, don’t we? Mum died a few years back and I miss her every day, but hearing you say those things to Clover just got me.’ She put her had into a fist and banged her chest, her gold bracelets tinkled like a wind chime and I saw the tears again, so close to the surface. ‘When I saw you with her on the beach, you held her with such tenderness, such care, and you looked at her like you were her mother…’

‘I know I never will be, Saffron. I’d never try to… I don’t want you to feel that I’d try and take over or…’

She wafted her hand away. ‘No, no… I know. But I want you to love her like I do. What kind of mother would I be denying her a double dose of mother’s love?’ she smiled.

‘That’s lovely of you to say,’ I said, thinking that perhaps a life with Dan might not be as difficult or complicated as I’d thought. It was simple really, we all cared for Clover and there were no ill feelings, no resentment or jealousy, all Saffron wanted was to be able to paint and love her kid.

‘I don’t know what’s going to happen with you guys, I know you’ve both got some stuff to deal with, Faye,’ she sighed. ‘But I do know that Dan will always be in her life… I just hope and pray you’ll always be in Dan’s.’

Both of us were crying now and she reached out her hand to me across the table and we held on, both unsure of what would happen next, but with a clearer understanding of each other. And what it means to be a mother. Eventually, we composed ourselves and Saffron told me she’d also been offered the chance to exhibit her art in Europe.

‘I don’t know when it might be, but it might mean going away for longer than a week,’ she said, wiping her eyes, laughing and crying at the same time. ‘Honestly, Faye, it freaks me out… I couldn’t leave Clover with anyone but you… and Dan, of course.’

I didn’t say anything, it wasn’t for me to make childcare arrangements at this stage, so I just smiled.

‘Dan’s told me you’re a good mother. He said you’re really close to your daughter, that you laugh a lot together.’

‘Yes, we do, and I love being with my granddaughter and I miss them like hell, and being with Clover this past week has eased that slightly. She’s taught me that I’m one of life’s nurturers, and I need to be needed, if that makes sense?’

I now knew the woman sitting across from me wasn’t my enemy, or someone to envy, she was just a little girl without her mother. Saff – yes, I think I could call her that now – was a first-time parent who couldn’t turn to the woman she needed the most right now. This could have been Emma if I wasn’t around, and whereas Emma didn’t need me as much anymore, perhaps this woman did?

‘I hope I can be a good mum, I hope me and Clover will laugh a lot.’

‘I’m sure you will. You have to pick your battles, and I think it’s the same as with anyone you love. You also have to let them go.’

‘That’s the hardest part, right?’

‘Oh yes, which is why you need something of your own, something independent from your kids. Don’t make the same mistake I did, Saffron. Follow your dream, take the artist-in-residence job, and you’ll not only be a good mum, you’ll be an example to Clover too. No point telling her she can be anything if her mum isn’t even trying,’ I said.

‘You’re right, you’re so right. I’m going to do it, Faye, I’m going to go home now, give Clover a big hug, then email my acceptance.’

‘You go, girl!’ I said as she stood up.

She looked at me for a moment and then reached out and hugged me. We stood there for a while and as she pulled away, I could see she was crying.

‘Your daughter’s a lucky girl to have you for a mum,’ she said, picking up her bag and pulling it onto her shoulder.

‘Oh, I’m no saint, Saffron! I’ve made plenty of mistakes, as you will. We’re not perfect, we’re human, but we just have to do what we feel is right and if it’s wrong, then we don’t do it again. It’s that simple… and that hard.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Yeah. Hey, I hope you stick around in Sydney – I think you and I could have some fun, go for cocktails, put the world to rights.’

‘I’d like that. I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. Here’s me telling you to chase your dream and mine’s all over the place! But whatever I do, it’s going to be all about me this time,’ I said as we left the kitchen, two empty glasses on the table, two lives shared over gin and Formica.

I walked Saffron down the hall and as we reached the front door she turned. ‘Faye, just one thing?’ she looked at me. We were both emotional and one kind word away from tears.

‘Yes?’ I said. I held my breath for what she was about to say.

‘If you decide to stay, don’t let Dan microwave her food, will you? And don’t let him feed her wasabi oysters or parsley fucking foam or whatever he’s got on the menu that week? And organic… She’ll only eat organic pureed veg, you wouldn’t believe the shit that’s in jars of baby food.’

I nodded, relieved, almost laughing – we were definitely on the same wavelength. ‘If I’m there, she won’t be touching that shit… or oysters, or parsley fucking foam!’

Saffron laughed and as I opened the door, she turned to go but not without handing me a parting gift. ‘By the way, I moved out of the apartment while you were at the coast – he’s there on his own now. I’m staying with my friend, she’s looking after Clover while I came to see you. Go to him, tonight, you guys need some time alone… And Faye?’

‘Yes?’

‘If you stay, he’ll be one lucky guy. You bloody rock!’