Chapter 11
“Working with a new engineer and some really solid studio musicians has me both exploring song construction as well as parts of my voice that I’ve never really used before. I always shied away from my upper range, stayed out of my falsetto, and that limited my writing in doing that, because there’s a vulnerability when you go up into your false, you know. And I’m finally ready to go there. I’m finally ready to explore my vulnerability.” Cocking his head, it was as if he finally got some inside joke.
“I see,” said Claire. “Do you think you are generalizing this into other areas of your life?”
“Well, yeah, it’s a mindset to make yourself more vulnerable and to open up.”
“And how does that make you feel?” Sliding her glasses down and off her nose, she laid them on the desk, her keen blue eyes focused on her patient.
“Scary. Exciting. Like there are possibilities again.” Running his fingers through the spiky front of his hair, he was looking down toward the floor, but the smile on his face was evident. When he looked back up at his psychiatrist, the smile turned to more of a confused look. What’s different? he wondered. And then realized her hair was no longer pinned up and was flowing freely. It was like he looked up to find himself in the middle of a sexy librarian porn and the sanctity of her office felt somehow compromised.
“Did those possibilities not feel available to you before?” she asked, not skipping a beat.
“Yeah, they were totally closed off. I was totally closed off. My relationship with Claudine was comfortably numb on a good day and that sliding scale could descend all the way to toxic on an average-to-bad day. Maybe we did crappy stuff to each other just to see if the other one could feel. Like any emotion, no matter how hurtful, would have at least been something. It was an easy spiral to get into, Doc.”
“And you no longer feel you are on the same trajectory?”
With a smile that broke thousands of hearts on any given night, from the pit to the nosebleed seats, Jesse shook his head, no.
“I feel everything now. And most days it is painfully wonderful. I came out of a dark tunnel, Doc. And greens are really bright. The color of the sky, the blue, it mesmerizes me. I didn’t realize how much had been missing.”
“You have made a lot of progress since Australia. Be proud,” the doctor encouraged.
“I am. The work we’ve done here, my time in the Caribbean, getting myself clean. I don’t take any of it for granted. I really don’t. But it was also finding the right person to share it all with…that was key to me working so hard to make it happen.”
Picking up her water glass, Claire took a sip before responding. “So, you are involved in another relationship?”
Laughing, “Oh, crap, Doc, I figured you knew. Page 6 and the rest of the paparazzi has been all over us.”
“Guess I’m not reading the right publications,” her tone was clipped, her smile forced. She picked up her glasses and slid them back up her nose to the bridge, then reached for her water glass again.
“Wow. I thought for sure you knew about me and Kylie.” There was pride in his voice.
Her glass came down on the desk a little harder than she had intended. “Kylie Martin?”
“Yeah,” Jesse was blinded to the psychiatrist’s reaction, so deeply lost in his own feelings. “And I’ve got you to thank for that. Had I not walked in on the wrong day we probably never would have met.”
Claire was still in the process of pulling herself together and attempting to act professional. “Do you think that’s a good idea for the two of you to be involved with one another?”
“No. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I think it’s a phenomenal idea. I think she might be the best thing that has happened to me in my entire life.” Jesse locked eyes with his doctor.
“And it very well might be,” she concurred. “But you are in the midst of recovery and right now you are feeling the full power of the wind under your sails. But winds are unpredictable and fickle and I would hate to have you capsize when you’ve been doing so well staying on course.”
“Yeah, well, Kylie is both my life vest and my anchor. She’s my True North. So, I’m not worried about drowning. I’ve crawled out from the shadows and this is finally my time in the sun.”
••••••
“I don’t know what is sexier,” Jesse smiled at Kylie, “watching you get dressed or watching you get undressed. We should blow this thing off, order Chinese food and eat out of containers, in bed, naked.”
Looking over her shoulder, Kylie smiled. “Don’t tempt me. Can you zip me up?” She lifted her heavy hair and he came up behind her, simultaneously tugging at the zipper of the marine blue lace dress and kissing the back of her neck.
“Everything will be fine tonight,” he reassured her, having seen little stress signs build as the week progressed. Tonight, was the first major event that they were attending as a couple and of course it just couldn’t be any event, it was the industry association event for models and modeling agencies. Claudine would be there. Blaise Collins would be there. The paparazzi would be raging in full force. And Jesse Winslow was attending, but this time with a different model.
Tonight, was a night that bitch fights were made of, and not quite fighting weight, Kylie, knew in her gut that everyone was waiting to see what bedlam might transpire between a top model, a former Miss New Jersey and a very famous rock ’n’ roll bad boy.
Kylie had chosen a second skin lace dress that proudly showed off every curve. She was owning it tonight, not hiding it. And if the starving girls wanted to call her fat, so be it. Beauty wasn’t calculated on the number of bones you had sticking out. And she felt more beautiful tonight in this intimate moment with Jesse zipping her dress than any other night in her life.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she handed Jesse her high sandals. “Can you do my ankle straps?” She looked up through her long, mascaraed lashes and smiled.
On one knee in front of her, he took the nude-colored strappy sandals from her. “You’re killing me, Toots.” Lifting her right foot to his mouth, he let his teeth graze her arch, eliciting a moan from Kylie as her thighs clamped together. With thumbs in her arch, he massaged deep into the muscles.
Moaning again, she gazed at him through slitted eyes. “Promise me you’ll do this again when we get home tonight and I’m hobbling like an old lady.”
Trailing from her arch to her big toe with the tip of his tongue, his grey-blue eyes flashed a contented amusement. “I promise,” he whispered, as he gave her toe a nibble.
“Oh, my God,” she whimpered. “The Chinese restaurant is on speed-dial. Hand me my phone.” She reached a hand out to him.
Laughing, Jesse slipped on the first sandal, fastening the strap around her slim, shapely ankles. “Not a chance, Toots. You look too beautiful in that dress to miss our night on the town.”
“You look very handsome, too. You clean up real nice, Winslow.” With just a little scruff on his well-defined jaw, black suit jacket, and hair perfectly askew, Kylie knew how crazy both the crowd and the paparazzi were going to go over him. And she prayed Claudine didn’t have second thoughts when she laid eyes on her charismatic ex. Or that tomorrow morning’s papers weren’t too harsh on her for not being a size zero.
“It’s now or never, Toots.” He pulled her off the bed.
“Let’s do this.”
The event was in support of literacy and aptly held at the New York Public Library, one of the most elegant classic venues in Manhattan. The Celeste Bartos Forum was pure architectural magic located adjacent the library. It’s thirty-foot glass-domed ceiling and twinkling trees and lights scattered throughout the room gave one the feeling of an evening under a star-filled sky in a spun-sugar wonderland.
“This reminds me of a glass version of the L9 rotunda,” Kylie noted.
Jesse laughed, “We do spend a lot of our time in circular rooms.”
“No beginning and no end.” Kylie muttered absentmindedly as she scanned the beautiful crowd for Hayley, excited both for her to meet Jesse and because having a wing-woman in this crowd provided some additional comfort.
“Jesse, can I get a picture?” The photographers were upon them before they were fifteen feet into the room.
“Jesse, over here.”
“Jesse, is Winslow breaking up?”
Never dropping her hand, they stopped for a moment and smiled for the cameras flashing around them like fireworks at the Capitol fourth of July celebration.
“Winslow is not breaking up. But right now, I’m working on some solo material and planning on spending time in the studio.”
“Jesse, will you be touring.”
“I have no plans for that now, although I would really love to do some small club dates. Maybe something acoustic.” A small cheer went up from a group of guests who had gathered around.
“Are you two a couple?” A heavy-set male reporter from one of the network gossip shows yelled out.
Jesse turned to look at Kylie and smiled. “Yes, we are very much a couple. And if you haven’t met her yet, this gorgeous lady is my girlfriend, Kylie Martin.” Jesse squeezed Kylie’s hand as the room felt like it was exploding with the popping of lights around them. Kylie smiled at the camera, a smile she had perfected prior to pre-school.
Jesse waved at the press, “Thanks, everyone,” and guided Kylie away from cameras. “Glad we got that done early. We gave them enough for them to be happy and leave us alone.”
“They love you,” Kylie was in awe of how the press adored him.
“For the most part, I’m really positive and giving with them. When I can be.”
“Well, I think our next photo op for them is about to happen.” Kylie crooked her head slightly to the right.
Following her eyes, there was a group of three people about twenty feet away. Claudine listened intently to FACES USA CEO, Johnny Spinelli. The third person was a tall, elegant man not bothering to hide his boredom.
“You think that’s Nick?”
“Gotta be.” Jesse checked him out from head to toe.
“What do you want to do? You, me, Claudine, and Nick are the elephant in the room tonight.” Kylie tried to read his expression.
“Let’s get it over with so that we can deal with the rest of the evening.” Squeezing Kylie’s hand, he asked, “You’re okay with this?”
Her answer was her smile and the tug of his hand in Claudine’s direction.
“Hello, Claud,” he leaned in and kissed her cheek as if they were old friends and nothing more. “Johnny.” They shook hands. And then he turned to the other man, “You must be Nick.” The man extended a hand. “I’d like you all to meet my girlfriend, Kylie Martin.”
“Girlfriend?” Claudine raised her eyebrows. “And I thought you were just friends.” Her tone had an edge.
Ignoring the barb, Jesse looked at Kylie and smiled. “Yes, that’s how we started out. As friends.”
“Kylie, who are you with?” Johnny asked.
“Blaise Collins and Siren.” She was glad for the distraction.
“Ah, Blaise. Is he treating you good?”
Before Kylie could answer, “Is that my name I heard? Are you trying to poach one of my top girls?”
“Damn right.” The two modeling moguls shook hands. “I could double your contracts,” he winked at Kylie.
“Promises, promises,” sighed Kylie, making the two men laugh and extricating herself from an awkward situation.
Still holding Jesse’s hand, she gave it a slight squeeze. Picking up on her hint, “Toots, listen to what the band is playing,” and he smiled at her as if no one else was in the big crystal-topped ballroom with them. “May I have this dance?”
Smiling back at him, she couldn’t help but think what a formidable pair they were, so effortlessly picking up on one another’s cues, as if they’d been negotiating delicate situations together for years.
“Excuse us, everyone, but this fine gentleman owes me a dance.”
The tiny lights reflected off the dance floor creating the impression that the guests were dancing amongst the stars. As Jesse led her to the center of the floor, Kylie was aware of all the eyes in the room that were on them as she floated into his arms.
“We did pretty good.” She smiled at him as they danced to the slow Big Band anthem.
“Boy, did we ever. I’m glad that’s over. Not that I ever think it’s going to be comfortable, but the first time is the worst and everyone in the room was watching that.”
“Show’s over.”
“Toots, don’t get too comfortable, the show is never over,” he warned, then laughed at the scared look on her face. Sliding his right hand up into her long waves, he guided her lips to his for a romantic kiss under the stars.
When their lips broke, she asked, “So, what song is this? Now that it’s our song,” her lips quivered into a smile.
“You really don’t know?” Searching her face, smiling, “This one is a classic. It’s ‘Moonlight Serenade’, Glenn Miller’s theme song.”
She smiled and shook her head. “Well, I’m not as old as you,” she teased. “But now I’ll never forget it.” And with the smile still on her face, she rested her head on his shoulder as they floated between the stars.
Absentmindedly, he stroked her hair as they danced, concentrating on both how good she felt in his arms and how good he felt holding her. Lost in their own world, two songs later, their bubble was burst.
“I’d like to borrow him for a song,” Claudine tapped Kylie’s shoulder.
“That’s really not necessary.” Jesse’s hold remained firm.
“It’s okay. Really.” Looking into his eyes, Kylie wanted him to know she believed in them enough not to let this be an issue.
And with a quick kiss on Jesse’s full lips, she disengaged from his embrace, smiled at Claudine and left the dance floor.
“So, you really cleaned up this time.” It was more of a statement than a question.
“One day at a time.” It occurred to him how strange her bone-thin frame felt in his arms and the more she pressed herself against him attempting to elicit a response that she was still the one, the more foreign and uncomfortable the feeling became, making him yearn for the restorative solace of Kylie.
“Well, you look great. I really love the shorter hair and cleaned-up look.”
“Thanks.” What did she want?
“I’m sorry about the moving out thing.” Her look was both self-effacing and flirtatious.
Oh, how well I know her, he thought, and I’m not going to get played.
“It was a really classy move, Claud. But I’m glad you did it. You see, it was the best gift you ever gave me. I wanted to stay straight so badly that when your friends left, I called my shrink and hopped a plane to Antigua where I spent a month getting even healthier and more in touch with what was right and wrong in my life. That month was the turning point for me. I came back home strong, centered and ready to move on.”
“Is that when the girlfriend came in?” There was an edge to her voice.
“I never cheated on you, if that is what you are asking.”
“You never cheated on me? Seriously, Jesse?”
“What I meant was I never cheated on you with her. What I did in the years before is despicable behavior and I apologize for it. I know those words don’t make it better, but I am sorry I was such an asshole for so long.”
“So, she gets the best of you now? She gets faithful Jesse?”
“She brings out the best in me, Claud. I want to be a great man for her.”
“For her?” Without saying it, Claudine was judging Kylie’s worth by her size and in Claud’s warped mind, the larger the woman, the less she was worth.
“Absolutely, for her.” Make no bones about it. Pun totally intended.
Claudine’s face went from screwed up to shocked when she felt a hand on her shoulder. As Jesse looked into the arresting emerald eyes that were splitting up this dance, he silently thanked the stranger.
“Sugar,” Sugah, she addressed him with a ravishing smile. “Finally.” Fine-al-LEE.
And in those two words, he knew the emerald eyes belonged to the infamous Miss Mississippi.
“Excuse me, but could you not see that we are in the middle of a conversation?” Claudine was pulling model rank on this clearly beautiful woman who was unknown to her.
“Where are your manners?” She eyed the tall blonde with disdain. “And could you not read the man’s body language? Your conversation was as over as a raccoon caught in my granddaddy’s wood chipper.”
Jesse wondered how Hayley was doing this with a straight face.
“Leave us alone.” The top model was becoming increasingly annoyed by this unknown.
“Actually, Long, Tall and Toxic, it’s time for you to move on.” Her meaning was literal and metaphorical, and that escaped no one, as she turned her gaze to Jesse. “Mr. Winslow,” and stepped in between Jesse and Claudine, breaking apart the former super couple.
“I’ve heard a lot about you, Sip,” Jesse addressed her by Kylie’s nickname, as a stunned Claudine walked away.
Smiling, her voice dripping honey, her words more of a vinegary tang, “And where is our girl?”
“You know, I’m not sure, we were dancing, when Claudine broke in.”
“Epic fail,” she informed him, causing an immediate stiffness to ensue in his well-built frame.
“She said it was okay.”
“Letting your ex literally get in between you two. It’s never okay. Ever.”
“No. She’s fine. She knows how I feel about her,” he tried to convince Hayley.
“Oh, really, with Long, Tall and Toxic draped all over you. Don’t you hurt my friend, Jesse. Do not make her your rebound person and humiliate her.”
“I would never do that, Sip. I adore Kylie. I need to go find her.”
“Yes. You do,” her friend agreed and the two left the dance floor, headed in different directions, in search of the same redhead.
••••••
Hayley knew the first place to look for her friend was the ladies’ room, even though this evening she was going to find very few actual ladies there, but rather an exorbitant amount of very nasty bitches. Swinging open the door, she gave herself a virtual pat on the back for getting it right. Getting it all right–Kylie and the nasty bitches were all located in one fell swoop.
Kylie was just exiting a stall, much to the surprise of Claudine and two of her lingerie- model friends, one with long, lustrous black hair and the other with a short, trendy platinum pixie. They were clearly talking about Kylie, unaware that she was there.
“I had no idea they made lace, second-skin dresses in that size. You’ve got to give her balls for wearing it,” the raven-haired model quipped.
“Big balls, just like the rest of her,” remarked the platinum friend.
Gazing into the mirror as she put on fresh lipstick, Claudine’s laughter came to an abrupt halt as Kylie exited a stall with Hayley simultaneously entering the bathroom with the clockwork precision of a synchronized swim team.
“Oh, would you just look,” Hayley drawled. “It’s a headquarters meeting of the Bitchy Models Society being chaired by none other than their fearless leader, Long, Tall and Toxic.”
“Who the hell are you, Miss Nobody?” The dark-haired model was the first to respond.
When the short-haired model’s mouth began to move, a stare-down from Hayley’s emerald eyes, stopped her from uttering a word.
“That’s right, be a good girl and stay quiet. Save your energy. You’re going to need it for later tonight when I’m eating your pussy,” Hayley paused to let that sink in. She had the trio so off balance. “And then you’ll be begging me for my phone number.” And somehow, they all knew it wasn’t a lie.
Hayley’s crazy energy had helped bolster Kylie to a place where she could take on Claudine like a pro.
Approaching the sink next to Claudine and washing her hands, Kylie was in full command as she confronted the famous woman. “If you have something to say about me, I would hope you are enough of a woman to say it to me directly and not as part of a catty bathroom chat.” She paused, looking the other woman directly in the eyes in the mirror. “Nick seems fabulous, so why all this venom?”
Taken aback by Kylie’s frankness, it took the supermodel a few moments to collect and verbalize her thoughts. “Because you are getting the Jesse I never got.”
“Did you ever think you might be a lot happier if you were happy for him? Happy to see him healthy. Happy to see him work through the things that were destroying his life and we all know were going to kill him. You really can’t be happy for that?”
Claudine’s silence shocked Kylie. How could this woman have loved him and not be elated at his progress? His health? Even Sip was shocked into silence.
Shaking her head, she had no words for the super model as she continued to hold her gaze in the mirror. Grabbing a hand towel, Kylie finally looked away, as she dried her hands. Tossing the towel into a wicker basket, she took one more long look at Claudine, not afraid to face her or to express her disdain.
Heading out of the bathroom with her friend, Kylie felt both beautiful and empowered. There was not a single thing to ever feel insecure about when it came to Jesse and Claudine’s ex-relationship. There was nothing there. It was a sham. A shell, just like Claudine. And as far as feeling less than, because of her size, that exchange clearly showed her the beauty in loving and caring for others. The positive and healing energy she was putting out into the universe, that was not only changing her life but was also integral in Jesse’s healing, was already coming back to her, threefold. And that energy was the essence of beauty, because it was rooted in love.
Claudine and her friends could make fun of her dress size or correlate her beauty to a number on the scale. But what became crystal clear as she stared down the woman in the bathroom mirror was that she was more beautiful, inside and out, than Claudine or any of her friends, and that was what Jesse and every man who had turned his head to appreciatively stare at her all night had seen. Her true beauty.
Jesse was only a few steps away when she and Hayley exited the bathroom.
“Toots,” he was upon her with an urgency, wrapping her in a bear hug. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered in her ear.
Looking up at him, she smiled as he put a hand on either side of her head and pulled her in for a kiss.
“I never should have let that happen. I’m so sorry. I guess I thought it would be a closure conversation.”
“And?” Kylie searched his grey-blue eyes needing to know the conversation accomplished just that.
Putting his forehead to hers, “And I got the gift of a lifetime when Sip broke in and shooed her off. Please, don’t ever worry about Claudine, Kylie. She will never come between us. She and I co-existed, we were a brand, a photo-op. We never shared the depth you and I do. And I realize that I had closure long before she moved her stuff out.”
“I know.” Kylie surprised him.
“How do you know?” The lopsided smile was back.
“Because, Jesse, you are a beautiful person, inside and out, and she is not.”
Cocking his head to the side, Kylie could see the emotion in his eyes as he stood there silent for a moment, before nodding his head.
“Can we miss the dinner?” She had had enough for one evening.
“Take-out?” His smile said everything.
“Sip, do you want to blow this joint and join us for Chinese food?” Jesse asked.
“Maybe another time. There’s a platinum bitch I need to get my hands on.” Her lascivious smile clearly detailed her intent for the short-haired model she’d met in the bathroom.
“Jesse, can I get a picture of you with these gorgeous women?” A photographer was upon them.
“Sure,” the rocker smiled, and with Miss New Jersey on his right and Miss Mississippi on his left, they stopped for a shot.
“Do you think we’ll make it out the door?” Kylie asked.
“Not without probably ten more photo stops.” This was his life.
“That blonde can wait a few minutes,” Hayley decided, as she accompanied her friends toward the entrance and took full advantage of being photographed with the infamous rock ’n’ roll (former) bad boy.
As they neared the door, Johnny Spinelli joined them for a photo. “You should come work for me.” He whispered into Kylie’s ear. “I’ll treat you the way you should be treated. Blaise has no idea what to do with you.”
Kylie’s thoughts exactly after the last meeting with him.
“Jackson Cohen is my agent.” She smiled at him sweetly and bid him goodnight.
••••••
“I’m glad we went tonight,” was Kylie’s conclusion as she brought chopsticks filled with lo mein to Jessie’s lips.
“Me too.” He slurped in the tasty noodles. “I’m glad that shit with Claudine is behind me now. And it was really great being able to show you off.”
“You showed me off?” she laughed.
“I did. No mistaking it now, the beautiful girl I was seen with in Starbucks is my girlfriend. We will be in every paper tomorrow morning, I can guarantee you that. And the tabloids are going to go insane with pictures of us and Claudine that we didn’t even know were being taken. You’re going to read all sorts of shit about us, Toots.” He brought a dumpling to her lips. “Ignore it as much as you can, okay.”
“I’ll try.”
“You just need to know one thing.”
“And what is that?” Tell me, Jesse.
“How I feel about you.” Reaching over, he took the white paper container from her hands and placed it on the nightstand.
Kylie remained quiet. Reaching forward, Jesse took a lock of her hair and let it slide through his fingers. “Toots, I’ve known this for the longest time, but I didn’t want to scare you. I think you already know how I feel about you, whether I’ve said it or not. You see, you make me want to fight every day to be better than I was the day before. You make me scared that I will fail you, that I won’t be the man you deserve, because as we know, I have been fucked up in relationships. I’ve questioned if I even had the capacity to love. And then you showed up in my life and there’s no doubt that I have the capacity to love. It turns out that I have the capacity to love deeply. I just didn’t have you before. I love you, Kylie. I know, without a doubt, that we will always be together. That someday, some little stinker is going to ask you, “Grandma, did Grandpa really play in a band?” He stopped and smiled, “And you are going to be the hottest grandmother on the planet and we’re going to still be fucking like wild animals.”
Kylie laughed at his last sentence, but there were no words, because the tears were coming too quickly. Smiling as he wiped them from her cheeks, he knew how moved she was by his admission, her reaction was from her heart and it filled his heart with more love than he could have ever imagined.
Finally, the tears subsided. “Jesse Fucking Winslow, am I dreaming? Did you just tell me you love me?”
“Toots, this ain’t no dream. Just the here and the now.”
“Makes me want to stay in this reality. Forever.”
“Yeah, this is the best one yet,” he agreed.
Picking up a waxed paper bag, Kylie dug in and pulled out a fortune cookie, gently tossing it to Jesse, before going back in and pulling out one for herself.
Jesse’s face broke into a smile, as he read from the slip of paper, “The love of your life will appear in front of you unexpectedly.” Leaning forward, he kissed Kylie softly. “Yes, she did.” Folding the fortune in thirds lengthwise, he inserted one end into the other, forming a ring and slipped it onto her finger with a lopsided grin and a raise of his eyebrows.
Admiring her new accessory, Kylie looked up at him through her dark lashes before smiling and doing a one-handed crush on her cookie. Pulling out her fortune, she let out a single, loud laugh which she tried to snuff, turning it into a snort. She handed Jesse the fortune, “You read it.” She was trying hard not to crack up.
Taking it from her hands, he began to read out loud, “Love is on the horizon. The stars predict he will be tall, dark and a centaur.” Laughing, Jesse lustfully gazed at Kylie. “That’s right, baby, hung like a horse. Now get in my lap,” he pulled her to him, “and come take a ride to Heaven.”