Chapter 1.5

Claire

Summer 2009

“You didn’t see any of this coming, Claire?” My next door neighbor, Andrea, handed me a box. “There had to be signs.”

“No. There weren’t any signs...” I gritted my teeth.

“I’m sorry...I just—”

“You just what?”

“Amanda’s a really good person...”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Andrea? I asked you over so you could help load up my car, not stand there and defend that ho-bag.”

She sighed. “I’m sorry...I just thought you would’ve been a little suspicious...”

“Suspicious about what?”

“The two of them hanging out so much maybe?” She placed the girls’ blankets into my trunk and shut it. “Michael and I thought something was up when the three of you came to our Christmas party last year...They spent an awful lot of time on our patio...”

“Thank you, Andrea.” I tried not to yell at her. “That’s what I really need to hear right now. You know what? Say it again so I can feel even better.”

She pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly. “I’m only saying it because...I never really liked Ryan, Claire. I’ve always thought that you could do better—so much better...I’m not happy at all about what happened to you, and if I could kill them both and get away with it I would.” Her voice cracked. “I’ve just been trying to change your mind about moving but...Keep yourself safe in San Francisco, okay? I want you to find someone who actually deserves you.”

I nodded and slowly let myself out of her embrace. I tried to hand her the two thousand dollar check she’d given me earlier, but she refused to take it and walked away—crying.

I forced a lump down my throat and slipped into my car with my daughters, heading straight for the highway, for our new life.

“You had to see the signs, Claire...You had to see the signs...”

I hadn’t. I really hadn’t.

How could I when Ryan was so fucking wonderful? So fucking perfect.

And Amanda was—she was my best friend.

I drove down the interstate and flipped through all my memories—birthdays, get-togethers, anniversaries—and in every last one, the two of them were right by my side as always. I thought back to more recent memories as I crossed the state line, and then a couple started to stick out—a couple that I would’ve never second guessed before...

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Three months ago...

“Death by falling off a building or drowning in the ocean?” I threw a peanut M&M at Ryan.

“Falling off a building.”

“What? Why?”

“It would be an instant death once my body hit the concrete. Drowning takes way too long. Plus, there’s no guarantee my body would be found if I died in the ocean. I want my body to be in the casket after I die.”

I nodded at his logic and looked up at the bright, blue sky.

We were sitting in the grass at Frick Park, enjoying a small breakfast picnic together. We’d been coming to this park once a month ever since we were in high school, ever since he admitted that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me someday.

“Okay, wait.” I looked over at him again. “I have another one: Which is worse? An emotional affair or a physical affair?”

He paused before answering, then he looked into my eyes.  “Emotional. It’s easier to cut off sex. Feelings never go away—no matter how hard you try to bury them.”

“That makes perfect sense...So, let’s say your wife is having an affair. Would you rather it be with a stranger or your best friend?”

“What?”

“Would you rather lose your wife to a stranger or to your best friend?” I threw another M&M at him.

“Jesus, Claire. What type of question is that?”

“You’ve asked me much worse before.” I shuddered, thinking about the time he’d asked me whether I’d rather have sex in front of twenty people or get gangbanged by three guys in private.

He looked out over the lake. “Neither.”

“You can’t choose neither.” I shook my head. “That’s one of your rules, remember? Pick.”

“I guess I would pick the stranger...Yeah...The stranger.”

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say? You usually have an entire reasoning behind your pick. Give me the logic.”

“Well I guess it would...It would hurt either way, I just...” His voice trailed off. “With the stranger I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling as betrayed...Whereas, if I lost you to my best friend, I’m not sure how I would ever deal with that or if I would ever get over it. It’d be the worst thing my best friend could possibly do...”

“I one-hundred-percent-agree.” I pulled him down onto our blanket and kissed his lips. “You know what I was thinking the other day?”

“Tell me.”

“We never got the chance to have a real wedding...”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed and remembered how poor we were when we decided to tie the knot, how I’d had to buy my wedding dress from the neighborhood thrift store and beg my mom to make all the alterations.

We didn’t even have enough money to rent a venue, and since our church was undergoing renovations, we decided to have it in his mother’s backyard. Don’t get me wrong, that was the happiest day of my life and our moms decorated the hell out of that backyard—so much so that it looked like it belonged in a magazine, but it wasn’t everything I wanted my wedding to be.

“Wouldn’t it be great if for our fifteenth anniversary we renewed our vows at an actual ceremony?” I asked. “Well, wait. It would probably have to be five or six months after our anniversary.”

“Why is that?”

“Because of Amanda. She’ll have delivered her baby and I would want her to be my maid of honor again, with a real dress and flowers this time.”

He mumbled something that I couldn’t hear.

“And we could have it at a real venue, not in your mom’s backyard.” I smiled. “Ashley and Caroline can be junior bridesmaids. Or do you think they’d rather be hostesses?”

“They’ll probably just be happy to be in the wedding.” He moved closer to me. “I thought you liked our wedding. I did.”

“I did, too. But it wasn’t the wedding of my dreams. You know?”

“It was for me.” He caressed my hand. “I just wanted to be married to you. It didn’t matter where it happened. It could’ve been in the courthouse for all I cared.”

My heart swelled as he pressed his lips against mine.

It was small moments like this that made me appreciate him more and more. Even though he was making ten times the amount of money he was when we first got married, he always touted me as his best asset and he always found the sweetest words to say.

“I hope it’s always like this, Ryan.” I smiled. “Always.”

“Like what?”

“Calm. Easy. Perfect. Just perfect...” I kissed him.

“Me too.”

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Two months ago...

“Tell me why you’re planning a trip to the Panama Canal again?” Amanda tied an apron around her baby bump. “You’re scared of planes.”

“We’re going to take a cruise there, smartass. And I figured that we need to start planning now. You know Ryan doesn’t have much free time outside of his off days. He seems to be a lot busier now.”

She cleared her throat. “Right. Would you like some cookies? I made your favorite yesterday.” She walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a tray of mint chocolate chip cookies. “I think I finally perfected my mom’s recipe. Do you know she still won’t give it to me? That’s how stubborn she is.”

“Ryan would never cheat on me, right?”

“What?” She raised her eyebrow. “What did you just say?”

“That...That Ryan would never cheat on me, right?”

“You think he’s cheating on you?” She frowned.

“No, I just...I don’t know. I think I’ve been watching too much Dr. Phil or something. Every couple on there that’s been together for ten or more years seems to fall apart over infidelity. And a lot of them talk about all these signs that signal that an affair could be happening but...Ryan is just really busy now. It can’t be what they say.” 

“No, it’s definitely not. Don’t read into it too much.”

I shrugged. “I’m sorry I ever brought this up. I don’t even know where that thought came from.”

“Don’t apologize...I’m sure every woman has doubts about her marriage from time to time. I know I do...”

“You do? I thought everything was great now, especially since you finally have a baby on the way.” I leaned over the counter and took a few cookies off the tray.

“Looks can be deceiving.” She looked like she was about to cry, like whatever was on her mind was something that was tormenting her. “Barry is...I don’t know...He’s different lately. He hardly ever speaks to me. It just started happening a few weeks ago...We were fine and then one day he came home, walked into the kitchen, and he just stared at me for a long time—looking me right in my eyes. It hasn’t been the same since. I don’t know what it could possibly—” She stopped and her eyes widened.

“You think you know what it could be?” I took a bite of my cookie. “Oh god, these are really amazing. You should sell these someday. Can I take half of them home?”

She didn’t answer me. She stood there silently, staring into the distance like she was in an awful trance.

“Amanda?” I waved my hand in the air. “Hello? Amanda? You there?”

She shook her head and smiled nervously. “Yeah, sorry...Would you excuse me for one minute? I need to call someone...If those brownies go off, would you please take them out for me?” She slid a pair of oven mitts towards me and rushed out of the room before giving me the chance to respond. 

When she returned—ten minutes later, it was as if that odd little episode had never happened. And for the rest of the afternoon she and I laughed over our favorite baking pastime.

“Promise me that we’ll do this for the rest of our lives, Amanda.” I smiled as I placed my favorite cookies into Ziploc bags. “Ashley and Caroline are going to be disasters in the kitchen, so I’ll need you to do this with me when life stresses me out.”

“Of course,” she said. “I’ll always be here when you need me. No matter what happens between us.”

“What could possibly happen between us to make us not be friends, Amanda?”

She picked up a cookie. “Nothing...”

“Damn right. Next to Ryan, you’re my everything, and don’t you ever forget it.”

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Tears fell down my face as I tossed quarters into the toll booth, as I flipped through more memories and realized that there were signs, but the two of them had worked so hard to cover them, and they’d purposely left me in the dark.

Maybe from the outside, the cracks had been easy to see, but from where I’d been standing, everything looked complete.

I sped onto the next highway and turned up my music, trying to drown out the cries I was finally letting free, promising my heart that I would never allow myself to be so trusting and vulnerable.

I’ll never allow another man to get that close to me... Ever.