Peter

For a second, I hated the book in front of me. Hated it with all the fury of a thousand demons forced to work in the GPS voice-over ring of hell. (Ever wonder why those things do you dirty? You would too, every chance you got.)

But she was right.

I’d thought she was hot and delicious before, but no more so than any other witch. Remember, I have a thing for witches. Pretty much all witches. I can find something attractive about anyone. You should try it. I mean, I don’t sleep with everyone I find attractive, but seeing beauty in everything and everywhere I go doesn’t suck. Makes my life a better place.

It also made it easier to be a mostly ineffective prick. Except when Millie sat on me. That was the most action I’d had… anyway. Back to the problem at hand.

My cock was so hard for her, I was sure it might actually explode. With magic induced lust, that was actually a possibility. Panic almost set in, but I took a deep breath. Panicking would not help fix my exploded dick.

But reading this damn book might keep it from exploding.

I could forgive most anything but that.

I loved that guy. We had some good times together. I wanted to keep having good times with him, so I had to save him.

“Okay, hotness. Here’s what—”

She squirmed beneath me, seemingly trying to get comfortable.

“Don’t do that. Don’t. Move. Don’t even breathe. Can you stop breathing? I mean, just for a second?”

She shoved me off of her. “Gah. Sorry.” She coughed. “What were you saying?”

“I’ve realized you’re right. The intensity I’m feeling is definitely magic related.” I coughed. “Here’s the—” My voice was high-pitched, tinged with my fear. Which was totally fucking reasonable, considering. I coughed. “The thing is you know how teenaged warlocks like to say blue balls might actually make them explode? This magically induced lust can do just that. It was in a Safe Hex class I took.”

She gasped. “Oh my gods. So should we… do it? I mean, I’d die… well, you’d die. That would be…” I watched as a flurry of emotions washed over her.

The flush on her face was the most delicious shade of pink. Literally, delicious. Everything that color tasted sweet like candy. I bet she would, too. Everywhere. If I could just get my face—

No. That’s not what we were doing. At least, not at the moment. Maybe, after the curse was broken and I was no longer in danger of blowing up my own dick. Not what either of us had in mind when she’d mentioned blowjobs, I was sure.

And kids, that was how I met your mother.

Where the fuck had that thought come from? I was all about spending time with the pretty witches, but I wasn’t looking for anyone to be anyone’s mother. I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s father.

Don’t panic. It’s just the spell. It’s fine. It’ll allll be fine.

Or that’s what I told myself.

I started thumbing through the book of hexes. There was some really arcane stuff in there.

Bless Thine Cows With Cacao Milk

Curse Thy Neighbor’s Cows With Egg Nog

Curse Thy Neighbor’s Mares to Stallions

I kept turning the pages. I wondered why chocolate milk would be a curse? I mean, it wouldn’t make great butter… or maybe it would.

To Invoke Demonic Crabs.

Well, that was fucking terrifying.

I couldn’t help myself from scanning the text. What awful beasts. It seemed as if every time you killed one, two came back in its place. There was no known cure. Only the witch or demon who hexed you.

Oh gods, they could talk.

That was perfectly awful. I filed it away for future use. It never hurt to have one truly horrible hex in your arsenal.

The light went off in my head. I should’ve thought of this sooner, but who could blame me, really, since all the blood in my body was currently being used for sledgehammer growing in my pants.

The lack of circulation in my head was actually making me dizzy.

“Hey, I had idea. Why don’t you use your magic?”

“That might be the worst idea anyone has ever had,” Beatrix said.

“Why? It got us into this mess, maybe it can get us out.”

“Uh, no. I’m pretty sure I’ll just make it a thousand percent worse.”

“Just wish for me to not… have this.”

“I can’t.” She hung her head. “It would be a lie.” Her shoulders slumped, but then perked again. “I really don’t want you to suffer, so maybe I could wish for that?”

“I don’t know if that will work because I’m not exactly suffering. I mean, if this goes on, I will suffer. You know all those ads that say to call your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours? That might be a problem, but wait… wait.”

She bit her lip and I thought about all the things that could go wrong if she somehow wished for my erection to go away. “Hmm. How about no wishes about the dick. We’ll just leave that alone. What about if you wished to find the answer to break the curse?”

“I could try. If you really want me to, but I’m afraid, Peter. Look at everything I’ve already done to you.”

“Let’s just talk about the wording of your wish very carefully and then maybe we can make your curse work for you.”

“You don’t think I’ve tried that?”

“Well, you haven’t tried it with me. We have to do something and while I’m learning a lot about demonic crabs, we’re not getting anywhere on the current situation.”

“If that’s what you want.” She nodded her head.

“Hey, look. Your hair’s not on fire anymore.”

“That’s nice, thank you.” Beatrix kept nodding.

“Okay, here’s what you’re going to say. ‘I want to break the hex I put on Peter Johnson.”

“Are you sure?” She looked around, as if she were going to find another answer somewhere on the wall, or maybe the ceiling.

“Definitely.”

She took a deep breath, her rounded, oh so squeezable breasts heaving as she did. I tried not to look at her chest while she invoked, but I couldn’t help it. They were just so perfect, I wanted them in my hands. My palms literally itched to hold them.

Not helping, Johnson. Knock it off.

Another book flew off the shelf and the pages whipped around and when it finally stopped, it opened to a map of Mount Canklecrusher.

“See?” she cried. “Useless.”

“Maybe not.” I nodded slowly. “An order of witches live at the peak. It’s been whispered that this is where many fairy godmothers go to train. This could be our answer.”

“Or, it could be my magic trying to kill you.”

“Nah, you’re coming with me.”

“In this state? Are you nuts?”

“Maybe. A little.” I was happy to agree with her analysis. “Do you have any other ideas?”

She sighed. “Besides having sex? No, not really.”

“Well, I already tried that solution and you didn’t feel right about it. So get naked, or get packed for a hike.”

“A hike? You mean we can’t just, you know, take a broom?”

“We’d be shot out of the sky. Anti-magic ground missiles.”

“Listen, I can’t adult in my apartment by myself and you want me to hike my ass up a mountain? Maybe we should just have sex. That would be easier, right? I want to help you, but I don’t want to die.”

I snorted. “You’re not going to die.”

“Easy for you to say. Do you trip going up the stairs?”

I considered. “Well, not usually, but it has happened. I have big feet.”

She blushed. Why did the size of my—oh. I coughed.

“No, really. So, I have a confession to make and after I tell you this, then you can decide if you want to haul me up Mt. Canklecrusher. By the way, you know there’s a reason it’s called Mt. Canklecrusher, right?”

I knew. Everybody knew. They called it “canklecrusher” because no one got off the mountain without breaking something, usually an ankle. No matter how skilled in magic, no matter how experienced the climber.

No matter how stout the ankles.

“I do.”

“God, this is so embarrassing.”

“Tell me.” I sat back down next to her, but not too close. If I touched her, it would be all over. And really, who knew what the curse would do. I mean, what if having sex just gave it more power? That’s all we needed.

“So, I was trying a new thing.” She pushed her hands through her hair and looked up at me.

“Okay. It’s good to try new things.”

“Um… that way.”

“Okay. Still good.” I nodded. I tried not to think of all the possible things she could’ve been trying, or that she’d be naked while doing them. Or what she looked like doing them. This was not helping at all.

She cocked her head to the side. “You’re not going to make fun of me?”

“Well, no. Of course not. How do you know what’s good unless you try a few different things.”

“Even if I almost killed myself?”

“How do you almost kill yourself witching off?”

She covered her face with her hands and sighed. “I’m going to tell you. And if we could never speak of it again—”

I made an x over my heart. “Cross my heart, baby.”

“So I was interested in breath play and I decided to try it. I haven’t been in a real relationship…like…ever. And that seems like something you’d only do with someone you trust. I trust myself and that’s about it.”

Her cheeks turned a darker shade of pink.

“So there I am, doing what I’m doing—”

Don’t ask, don’t ask, don’t—

“And I’d used my yoga straps around my neck. I’m was the middle of things when Carpathia came home because she forgot her phone.” She looked away from me. “I’m just going to turn around and face the wall while I tell you this next part.”

“If that makes you feel better. It’s okay. I’ve had my own mishaps. I’ll tell you one of mine after you tell me yours, if you want.”

“Really?”

Why had I offered that? Talking about this couldn’t end well for either of us. I mean, it would be really great while it was happening, I was sure, but the outcome? I just didn’t know.

“Yeah, really.” Why was my voice so high-pitched again? Warlock up, buddy.

She gulped. “I panicked when I heard Carpathia come in. I hadn’t closed my bedroom door. So I got up and dashed to close the door, but I tripped over my own feet.”

Her hair caught fire again.

“Shit,” she mumbled.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s okay.”

“When I tripped,” she continued. “The rings at the end of my straps got caught on my dresser and there I was, hanging midair, naked, tits flying, and a clit cuddler buzzing away.”

“How did you get out of it?”

“To this day, I don’t really know. I kept thinking, I’m going to die and this is how they’re going to find my body. I can’t even ‘witch off’ as you so delicately put it without putting my life in danger. You do not want me on a mountain. I do not want me on a mountain.”

She was right. Canklecrusher would be catastrophic for her. No matter what she’d done to me, I didn’t want her to die.

“Okay, so now what?”

“I feel like the having sex thing is taking advantage of you, but I don’t know what else to do that’s reasonable.”

“Me either.” I shrugged. “So, you wanna do this thing, or what?” I reached out and pinched the fire on the end of her hair until it was extinguished.

“I just love how you do that. What am I going to do when you don’t need me anymore?” She bit her lip again, and it was swollen, almost beestung. I really wanted to kiss her, but she sounded so sad.

“A girl should always have a friend who knows how to put out their fires.”

“I’m sorry, that sounded really pathetic. It’s just I’d thought the flaming hair was a permanent condition and contrary to popular belief, it’s not as cool as it sounds.”

“A lot of things aren’t.”

“Yeah, like getting everything you want.” She shook her head. “You know, when I was a little girl, I said someday, I’d like to see the top of Mt. Canklecrusher. Here’s my opportunity. Again, nothing like how I envisioned it would be.”

“I can try going to a professional curse breaker. We don’t have to do this.”

“Wait, you said if I shared one of mine, you’d share one of yours.”

I smiled. “I did say that.”

She crossed her legs and looked at me expectantly.

Which one would I tell her about? Probably the most embarrassing. That would make her feel better. “I was about seventeen, and you know how warlocks are that age. Putting it everywhere I could.”

“Go on,” she said.

“One of my best friends at the time dared me to go to Venusian.”

Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped open. “No, really. Venusian? How did you get inside?”

“I walked up to the door and the bouncer asked me what I was doing there. I was totally honest and said that my friend had dared me to try to get in. He asked what I’d do when I got in, and I told him I was there to challenge the Venus Sex Trap.”

“The what?”

“You know how at some restaurants they have challenge meals? Like you eat the whole meal, you get it for free and get your picture on the wall?”

“Oh Goddesses.” She began to slowly shake her head.

“Yeah, that’s what the Venus Sex Trap was. It was like a giant venus fly trap, but enchanted. Well, let me tell you, the inside of that thing was just as velvety as you’d imagine.”

“So did you win or lose? I mean, how did the challenge work?”

“Well, when it snapped shut, I cried like a little bitch.”

“As one does,” she nodded sagely.

“As one does,” I agreed.

“How is that embarrassing?”

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t. Not really. I’d been extremely embarrassed as a kid, but now that I was grown, I didn’t really care. “Huh. You’re right. It used to bother me that my picture was up on the wall there, but I guess it’s really nothing to be ashamed of.”

She huffed. “See, you have nothing that embarrassing.”

“Oh no. There was the time that I had an allergic reaction to a flavor potion.”

“A flavor—ohhhh.” She nodded with understanding. “Lots of people are allergic to the cotton candy.”

“I am allergic to the cherry.”

“That’s supposed to be the hypoallergenic flavor.”

“Believe me, I know. I was dating this witch, I can’t remember her name now. She was so embarrassed she cast a memory spell. Hell, it could be you and I wouldn’t know it. Neither would you.” I narrowed my eyes. Was it her? No, it couldn’t be.

Could it?

I supposed it didn’t matter because a forgetting spell was forever. No take backsies, no do-overs.

“I know what you’re thinking and it couldn’t have been me.”

“How so?”

“Because I’d have screwed it up and your head would’ve exploded or something.”

I wanted to tell her it couldn’t be that bad, but considering our current predicament, she was probably right. “Maybe.”

“So tell. What was your allergic reaction?”

“My tongue swelled to about twenty times its normal size while it was inside of her. We had to be life-flighted to a magical hospital. I was ears deep and couldn’t get dislodged.”

She snorted. “That doesn’t sound too awful. At least you were doing your part.”

“She didn’t see it that way. To this day, I can’t abide the taste of cherry. Oh, and what was worse, I got thrush after. The cherry was a knockoff brand and had actual sugar in it. So…”

“Oh god. That’s awful! That poor witch.”

“Yeah. A literal yeast beast after we got my tongue out. I’m lucky it still works. They had to remove it from my head and then reattach it.”

“I would definitely cast the memory spell, too.”

“Some days I’m glad she did. I mean, that’s all we would ever think about whenever we saw each other, I’m sure. But other days, not so much. Because after that, really, what is there to worry about.”

“Like this.” She perked. “But you wouldn’t want to date me after this. I mean, I understand why not.”

“I don’t. You’re a gorgeous witch, even with your hair on fire. I kind of like your hair on fire, if I’m being honest.”

She held up her hand. “Don’t say anything else. I don’t want to believe if it’s not real. Let’s break this curse first. I don’t know what would happen if you broke my heart.”

Logically, I knew the threat in those words wasn’t supposed to turn me on. But it did. Everything about her did.

“Don’t tease me unless you’re going to please me,” I said.