Chapter Seven
Emi
Earlier tonight I was picked up by my date, brought to his apartment where we shared a lovely meal of eggplant parmigiana with roasted asparagus and crusty Italian bread, followed by a glass of wine, while we discuss the details of how I’m going to let him “force” me to have sex with him.
Not exactly your typical second date, but it’s one I’m enjoying immensely so far. Granted, we’re only at the wine and contracts portion of the evening, and I’m a tad nervous about what’s to come, but I’m also excited. I have been all week.
Austin thought I’d reconsider exploring this with him. Every day I sent him a text letting him know I was still on board. And every day he told me to take more time to think about it. Yesterday I texted with, I’m done thinking. Time to cowboy up, Tex.
He laughed at that and then promptly informed me of how this date was going to go, no questions asked. Apparently, he likes making those kinds of decisions because his “mama raised him right” and he only allowed it the first time so he didn’t blow his chance with me. I did not audibly “awwww” at my phone when he said that. Much.
“Here you go,” he says, entering the living room with a glass of wine. “I asked the clerk to give me a good one, so I hope it’s not terrible.”
“I’m sure it’s great, thank you.”
He hands me the glass of red and joins me on the couch, keeping a couple feet between us. He’s been the perfect gentleman all evening, only giving me a kiss on the cheek when he picked me up. I understand it—he wants to make sure we’re both on the same page with everything before we go any further—but all I can think about is what happened between us a week ago and I want to climb him like a tree.
Last week was…brief yet unbelievable. I’ve never come so hard or fast in my life. In fact, I thought I was just one of those women who have a hard time climaxing during sex. I can get myself off fine, but unless I’m helping things along during intercourse, I don’t typically come.
But now I know that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my partner. Austin shattered my world in mere minutes with only his fingers and a few dirty words. I didn’t even know anything like that was possible. I feel like the world has been opened to me with endless possibilities.
“You’re not drinking with me?”
Austin shakes his head. “No, whenever we play I won’t have a drop of alcohol. It’s important that none of my senses are dulled. And you only get one glass, enough to take the edge off your nerves and no more. I’m not trying to control you. It’s all part of how I keep you safe.”
Warmth spreads through my chest. Being taken care of like this from a lover isn’t something I’m used to, and I’m finding it a little addictive. Taking a sip of my wine, I ignore the pieces of paper on the coffee table for a while longer. “Mmm, this is good. The clerk didn’t steer you wrong.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“And dinner was amazing. Where did you learn how to cook so well?”
“My dad and I bonded over fishing, but Mama and I bonded over cooking. I can’t bake worth a crap, though, so don’t expect any desserts unless they’re from the corner bakery.”
“That’s okay, I can’t cook or bake. We had a full-time nutritionist on staff to cook for us because my mom and I were always on such a strict diet. Sometimes it was agonizing watching my father down plates of pasta primavera and crusty bread. Ironically, now that I’m retired from the ballet and don’t have to worry about that, he doesn’t eat like that anymore.”
“Got healthy on you, did he?”
“Not willingly,” I say dryly. “What’s your favorite dish to cook?”
Bracing his elbows on his knees, he leans in my direction and smiles indulgently, his light-green eyes twinkling. “You really want to keep talking about cooking? Or would you rather get to the second part of our evening? I’m good either way, it’s up to you.”
“Sorry,” I say, my cheeks heating with embarrassment. I lower my head, hoping my hair hides it well enough. “I guess I’m feeling a little nervous, that’s all.”
“Hey.” Using the side of his finger, he lifts my chin until I’m forced to meet his gaze. “I’d be more concerned if you weren’t nervous, okay?” I nod, and that satisfies him. “Why don’t we go over the contracts and talk about things. After that, you can decide where we go from there.”
“That sounds good.”
“First one is easy. It’s a straight forward Non-Disclosure Agreement. You ever sign one of these before?”
I shake my head. “No, but I’m familiar with what they are.”
“Good, so you know how these work. In our case, this ensures that neither one of us can talk about what goes on behind closed doors. As a civil servant, I have to be careful about keeping my reputation squeaky clean, and no doubt you don’t want to have to defend your private business to the parents of your students.”
The thought of anyone knowing my sexual proclivities stabs me with terror. “No, definitely not.”
“Exactly. Now, I know I’m not the kind of man who would ever open my mouth about what we do, but you don’t know me well enough for that. This piece of paper is your insurance that what happens with us, stays with us.”
This is an easy decision. I already feel more at ease, regardless of whether we go through with the kinky stuff. Maybe all relationships should have NDAs. It’d put an end to things like revenge porn and exes being shitty to each other in general. Holding out my hand, I say, “Pen.” He hands me a black ballpoint, and I sign my name with a flourish on both copies. “There.”
Austin smiles and signs on the lines under mine and then sets them aside. “This next part is a bit more complex. I want you to read it thoroughly, but it basically states that we’re both knowingly entering into a consensual, sexual relationship that involves forced fantasy role play.”
“Okay,” I say, scanning over the pages as I listen. “Why do you use this if you have the NDA?”
“A couple reasons. One is for worst-case scenarios. It’s extremely unlikely because I’m always careful, but if someone were to ever see us playing and think it’s the real thing, this contract is proof that I’m not assaulting you. Likewise, it’s proof you’re not a victim of circumstance but rather in a position of power.”
“Power? I thought I was going to be…you know…not.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Emi.” He slides closer to me on the couch until our knees are touching. His eyes are earnest as he stares into mine. “You’re the one with all the power. When we’re playing, I’ll be taking all my cues from you. You can control the intensity of what we’re doing, or you can stop everything on a dime. You might be acting helpless, but you’re choosing that role, and that’s powerful in itself.”
“I never thought of it that way,” I say. “It makes me feel better about that aspect of it, but…”
“But what, sweetheart?”
“In the spirit of full disclosure,” I say, dropping my gaze to a safe spot on the carpet. “I’ve thought all week about possible reasons why I have these particular desires, and what I came up with doesn’t make me feel very powerful.” I feel him tense up next to me and see his fists clench from the corner of my eye. Realizing my mistake, I place a hand on his arm and rush to add, “Nothing bad happened to me, Austin.”
He visibly relaxes, his broad shoulders sagging, and he stretches his fingers. “I’m really fucking glad to hear that.”
“It’s just that I learned some things about myself and it made me realize other things.”
“Like?”
“Like the way I reacted to what you did to me last week was—”
The cocky cowboy lopsided grin makes an appearance. “Mind-blowing? Life-changing?”
“I was going to say eye-opening, but sure, I’ll stroke your ego.”
Winking, he says, “Darlin’, that ain’t the only thing I want you to stroke.”
I use my teacher brow-arch. “Do you want to hear this or not, Mr. Massey?”
“Yes, ma’am, I’m sorry.” His charming, full-watt smile says he’s not all that sorry, but who could care about anything with him looking like that? “It’s not really my fault, though. I lose my focus when I’m around you.”
“You don’t lose your focus, Tex. It just shifts to all things naughty.”
His gaze rakes over me, darkening. “Can’t blame me for that, either, Emi. Have you seen you? Damn, girl.” I sigh dramatically like I have no idea what to do with such an insufferable man, which is a total lie, because I have plenty of ideas of what I’d like to do to him. “Okay, okay, you’re right. We’re getting off track. Finish telling me the things you realized about yourself. I want to know.”
One of the things I’ve noticed about Austin is he doesn’t naturally speak with his accent. I’m assuming he lost it over the years after moving to Chicago as a teen. When he’s being all flirty, it comes out in full force. But when he’s not trying to charm the pants off me, he sounds almost as Midwestern as the rest of us. I can tell he’s gotten serious again because his Texan drawl has disappeared.
“I was saying that I’ve always known that I wanted sex to be more than what I’ve experienced. I knew I wanted more passion, more of the fast and frenzied I talked about last week. But I never fully understood what that meant, and when I tried asking for something I did know I wanted, I was shut down.
“Then you took the time to understand me; you figured out what I needed and within minutes gave me the best orgasm of my life.” When his mouth starts to quirk up on one side, I hold my hand up. “Hold your horses, cowboy, I’m not done.”
He rolls his lips in to hide his grin and nods. “Keep going. I’ll circle back around to that later.”
Of that I have no doubt. “You taught me that I like things…”
“Rough.” His voice comes out sounding like the word, and it sparks a flight of butterflies in my belly.
“Right,” I say and force myself to go on. “But considering my sheltered upbringing and failed attempts in the past, I’m not entirely comfortable with expressing these things or being aggressive back. Which is why I think that what you like dovetails with what I’ve discovered I need.”
Raising a hand to my face, he brushes his thumb lightly along my cheekbone. “And what is it you need, Emmélie?”
Softly, and for the first time, I give voice to the things that have been spinning around in my mind for days. “I need to be free of the shame I’ve felt for wanting the things I do. I need to feel like I don’t have a choice—that you’re going to do all those things to me because you want to, not because I want you to…even though I do. Does that make sense?”
Austin gathers me in his arms and kisses the top of my head. “It makes perfect sense, and I would be honored to be able to give those things to you.”
Before I’m tempted to climb into his lap and forego the rest of the formalities, I kiss his neck and pull back. “What do I do now?”
For the next thirty minutes, I read the contract, and then we discuss what he calls hard and soft limits. Hard limits being things I absolutely do not want to do, and soft being the things that I’m not necessarily opposed to but would like extra consideration taken if we attempt them. He wrote everything we listed onto the contract so it’s right there in black and white, with no room for misconstruing anything.
He also told me to pick a safe word—I chose Raven—and said I should use it if at any point I feel scared or just need him to check in on me. If for some reason I’m unable to speak, I can snap or grunt three times. When any of those methods are used, all play is stopped immediately, “no questions asked, and no judgment passed.”
The more we talk things over, the more at ease I become. In the end, I’m glad he made us wait. Speaking frankly about what you do and do not want during sex, complete with drafting and signing contracts, might sound like a huge mood-killer, but now when we do start getting hot and heavy, I won’t have to be worried that he’ll do something that scares or offends me. He’s made me feel safe and protected, both legally and emotionally, and if I was free to do so, I think I could eventually fall for Austin Massey.
That reminds me…
“I only have one more question,” I say, nervously biting my lower lip.
“Shoot.”
“What are you looking to get out of our time together?”
Intelligent green eyes study me for what seems like forever before he answers. “I’m only looking for as much as you’re willing to give, Emi. Nothing more. Maybe I should ask you what that is.”
I shrug. Not because I’m unsure of what I’m willing—or rather, able—to give, but because I’m trying to pass it off as no big deal. “I’m not looking for anything serious or long term. I’d like us to have fun with each other, no strings and no commitments. Is that okay?”
For a split second he narrows his gaze at me, and I’m afraid he’s somehow seen inside my mind and knows all my secrets. But then he gives me that heart-stopping smile, and my concern melts away like snow under a blowtorch. “Darlin’, you just described most every man’s dream relationship.”
I take a generous sip of my wine and force it around the lump in my throat. “Great,” I say with feigned enthusiasm. It is great because I won’t be able to date like this in a few months. Now—if by some chance this manages to last that long—I don’t have to worry about things ending badly between us. Have your fun now, Emi. These memories need to last you a lifetime. “What happens now?”
“Do you want to give me a scenario or do you want to leave that to me?”
“Definitely leave it to you, at least for now.”
He nods. “Then do you want me to walk you through everything that’s going to happen? Or would you prefer to only know the setup and trust me for the rest?”
I think about it for a few seconds. I think knowing everything will take away from the experience. With all that we’ve discussed tonight, I really do trust him to honor my limits and pay attention to my cues. “Just the setup.”
Austin rises and holds his hand out. “Then come with me.”