Leah
I knew I was being completely immature, but I didn't care. I felt so dumb. So embarrassed. I knew I had hurt Blake. His disdain for me made me sick to my stomach. I was so ashamed. My lust for Chase had blinded me. All I had been able to think about was sex with him. It had shut down all my inhibitions. I ignored my moral compass and gave into my sexual desire.
Now, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror let alone show myself in public. Or my own house.
I hadn't left my room since the incident yesterday. I did sneak down around four in the morning to grab some snacks. It had been a risk I was willing to take in the name of starvation. The dinner I had planned to make last night was quickly dismissed after Blake's early arrival.
I had a mini fridge in my room, which was stocked with water, juice, and even some protein shakes that had sustained me last night. It wasn't exactly fine dining, but it would keep me alive. I wasn't sure how long I was planning on avoiding my house guests, but for now, I was staying put. I couldn't fathom facing either one of them.
Thankfully, my room wasn't exactly the standard bedroom. It was the size of a small apartment. I had plenty of room to wander. I wished I could go to the gym, but I wasn't about to risk that. There was too great a chance I would run into Chase. We could not be trusted alone together in the gym.
The thought of him and the gym made my stomach flutter. Images of him taking me on the floor floated through my mind, making my body tingle. That first time had opened a door that could never be closed again, and despite everything that had happened, I didn't think I regretted it.
I had heard Chase and Blake talking. Well, Blake had been yelling, and Chase had been talking. Chase had been calm and reasonable and very mature. I liked that he was trying to figure out what he wanted from our relationship. Knowing he felt more gave me some solace. I was relieved to know I wasn't the only one who thought we had more going on between us than a quick fling.
No matter what I felt for Chase, I couldn't deny what I had done to Blake. He’d lost his dad. He and his mom weren't exactly close. We had a strange relationship, but I knew he cared for me, even if he pretended otherwise. When Dennis had died, we had cried together. It was a private moment between the two of us that we never talked about. We didn't have a parent/child relationship, but I did like to think he trusted me and could depend on me when needed.
My phone beeped. I checked it and saw it was another message from Chase.
Are you okay?
I didn't answer. I hadn't answered the last ten or so texts he’d sent. He had done nothing wrong, but I couldn't face him, even if it was over text messages.
I almost regretted giving him my number at all. I had given it to him that first day, in case they needed anything while I was out. He must have stored it in his phone. He was taking full advantage of it now. The phone beeped again.
I'm sorry.
I sighed. I couldn't ignore him forever. I owed him the apology, but I wasn't going to say it. Not yet.
I'm fine. Don't be sorry.
That's all I sent. I needed time to sort through everything. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. I had planned to cook a big meal, but now, it didn't seem like anybody would be interested in eating. Besides, it wasn't going to get done if I was locked up in my room. I needed to decide what was more important, a traditional meal or my privacy.
Right now, I was leaning toward my privacy. I didn't want to sit around a big, festive table and pretend we were a jolly, happy family and nothing had happened. I didn't think I could do that. Every time I looked at Chase, I wanted to touch him. How could I get through a meal without looking at him or dreaming about him buried deep inside me with Blake sitting at the table? Awkward.
I flipped on the television screen and began flipping through channels. I was bored. I stopped on some silly soap opera. The scene caught my eye. A woman was screaming at a man who had clearly been caught in a compromising position with the maid in the kitchen on the table.
I started giggling when I remembered I had recently walked in on a similar situation.
“Hey!” I said aloud to nobody in particular.
Blake was pissed at me for sleeping with Chase, but he was sleeping with my best friend, Marissa! How dare he pretend to be so high and mighty. I remembered Chase said something last night, but it had been very low, and I hadn't been able to make all of it out from my position at the top of the stairs.
Chase obviously knew about Marissa, which meant that it had been going on long before that day I caught them on the table. My mind drifted to the past summer. Now that I thought about it, Marissa had come over quite a bit back then. She had made sure she wore skimpy bikinis, which at the time seemed a little strange for a dip in my pool, but clearly, those suits weren't meant to impress me.
“That little bitch,” I said with a grin.
I couldn't actually be mad at her. I was happy she had found a good man, even if he was a little young. Marissa was a few years younger than me. That made her five years older than Blake. That wasn't really a big deal at all. If it had been the other way around, Blake being five years older than Marissa, it would be a non-issue. It would be the same for me and Chase. If he were ten years older than me, would it be such a big problem?
I knew it wouldn't. It was stupid society standards. Men were the older ones in a relationship. Clearly, Blake and Chase did not have those same standards.
I started laughing when I thought back to last summer. That whole long, hot summer, I thought she had been sad and lonely when she had been banging my stepson. She had started coming over almost every day. I was under the impression she was struggling with her recent breakup and didn't want to be alone in her house. I had offered to take her out, but she always said she wasn't up for that and just wanted to hang out at my house. I was only a little bummed that she used me.
I shuddered to think about her and Blake. I think I understood a little why Blake was creeped out by my relationship with Chase. There was definitely a weird factor. We weren't blood-related, but we had a familial type relationship. It would be like my brother and best friend hooking up. It was a little odd. I wondered how long they had been sleeping together? Were they in an actual relationship? So many questions and so few answers!
“Argh!” I wailed.
I had no idea what to do. I really wanted to take a run on the treadmill. It would help me work through all this craziness.
Did I dare talk to Chase about whether we had an actual relationship? Would it freak him out and send him running out the door if I even mentioned the idea of us in a relationship?
Did I dare talk to Blake about anything at all? Maybe I would leave that to Chase alone. Give it some time and maybe try to approach it on spring break. That was assuming he came back at all.
The soap opera on the TV was irritating. I flipped it off and decided to do some yoga. It would help relieve the tension and hopefully give me clarity. After spending close to an hour putting my body through some very rigorous stretches, I headed to the shower to wash away all the sweat and the worry.
I still had no idea what I was going to do, but I felt a bit more relaxed. The moment the stream of hot water hit my body, I immediately imagined Chase's hands touching me. My eyes drifted closed, and I let my head drop back, pretending he was there next to me, caressing my body.
I missed him. How was I ever going to get over him? He would be going back to school in a week. I didn't know if I would ever see him again. The thought made me feel extremely sad and very alone. Chase was young and just starting life. I needed to think about dating. I couldn't count on Chase to fill the gaping hole in my life. It was time to move on.