SIENNA
I had never been much for having girlfriends. Women seemed too competitive, and much too quick to judge, argue, fight, and lay blame. As a result, during high school most of my friends were male, and eventually most of my male friends ended up being my boyfriend, although some only lasted a few weeks.
I attributed some of my reluctance to be friends with girls to my relationship with my father, and a desire to fill a void in my life I felt my father left when he went to prison. Living with my aunt seemed weird at the time, and having my father gone was difficult to say the least. Having a male in my life minimized conflict, filled a void, and more often than not, provided me with someone to have sex with.
My patterns of behavior as a high school girl continued into my adult life, and over time, became second nature. As an adult, I ended up with no female friends to speak of, and really never wanted any. The few men who came and went out of my life provided companionship, and my friends on Facebook and Goodreads who followed my reviews provided a constant flow of communication and often gave advice.
But now I felt I needed more.
I wanted my father, and I needed a friend.
I sat at my parent’s gravesite with a fresh arrangement of flowers and swept the dust from the base of the gravestone. After cleaning what little dust had settled into the etching of the headstones, I squatted down and placed the flowers on the stone base.
“You know I love you, but I sure hate coming here to see you,” I said.
“Nothing’s changed, we’re still apart. I hate it, but I can’t change it. I went to see his mother, and that was enlightening, but a disaster for me. You know I will never do anything to try and replace mom, but I really like her, Dad. She’s so cool. She’s like what I wish girlfriends were like, but she’s a mom. Heck, I don’t know, maybe that’s what moms are like.”
I leaned forward and smelled the flowers. As I moved back to my squatting position, I continued.
“But with her it’s hard. She’s so nice, and she makes me feel, I don’t know, kind of like you did. She’s just really fun. And she doesn’t take any shit from Vince, either. But he’s shut her out, and hasn’t been there since. And just so you know, I still haven’t had a drink of wine since that day. Maybe one day I will again, but I don’t really know. So there’s that. Uhhm, let’s see,” I paused and contemplated what else I should say before I said my departing remarks.
“I guess I just hope one day we can work things out, but I’m beginning to have my doubts. I think maybe it’ll take a miracle or an angel. Yeah, an angel is probably a good idea, so if you know one who isn’t busy, you can send one my way, you know, being as you’re up there with all of ‘em.”
“I wish you could meet him, I really do. And you know what’s funny? I was there for a while wondering if we got married, who’d give me away. So yeah. Not wondering about that so much anymore.”
I stood, stepped to the left, and squatted.
“I love you, too, Mother. I’ll keep you posted on the progress, but I imagine dad will fill you in. Same goes to you, if you know an angel, send one, I could sure use one. I’ll be back to see you before you know it, and maybe one day I’ll have some good news.”
I stood, blew a kiss in the direction of the gravestones, and turned toward the car.
If you’re still listening, I wasn’t kidding about the angel.