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Drake
I loved her.
I loved my wife.
And even though she hadn’t said it, she must love me too, right? I mean, I gave her her own artist studio, I took her to Monet’s garden in France. She had everything a woman wants, designer clothes, expensive jewelry…
So why did I get the creeping sensation that it wasn’t enough?
Why does this fear grip me late at night? That I would lose her. I couldn’t lose her.
I had to hold on tighter.
I felt like I was going out of my mind. I could barely think of anything else at work and people were starting to notice. I’d been postponing my business trips because I was terrified of leaving her alone.
Why did love have to be so beautiful and terrible all at once? Sometimes it felt like a fairy-tale, at other times like war, a tempest on my soul, a siege against my heart.
Tonight when I reached for Noriko, she pushed back. “Not tonight, Drake. I have my period.”
“Your period?”
“I just said that.”
“Which means you’re not pregnant.”
I slipped a hand on her flat stomach and felt her stiffen.
I was struck with the overwhelming urge to see her belly swollen with my child—our child. It had nothing to do with wanting an heir. I wanted a family. With her.
A baby would keep us together. A baby would tie her to me forever.
“I can’t wait until you’re pregnant.”
She said nothing.
I slipped my fingers underneath the hem of her shirt and skimmed the skin of her belly, praying for a life that wasn’t there yet. “Maybe we should go see a doctor.”
“What? Why?”
“I want to make sure everything is…working.”
She spluttered. “It’s only been two months.”
“I can’t wait any longer.”
She let out a huff. “These things can’t be rushed.”
“They have options. To get pregnant faster.”
The look on her face betrayed her horror. “No, Drake. No doctors. No injections. No test tubes.” She shoved my hand off her stomach and turned away, rolling onto her other side on her bed.
My fingers, still outstretched, felt empty. I curled them into a fist before retracting my hand, a bitterness flooding into my mouth.
Did she know how much her rejection stabbed me like a blunt knife? The dullness in her eyes like needles in my face? Did she know how wretched I felt when I had to take every kiss from her, my mouth filling not with her love, but with her sighs? I felt like she was punishing me for a crime I hadn’t committed.
I wanted my Noriko back. My Mona Lisa with those piercing dark eyes. The woman who stirred laughter from my lungs, who tested me, pushed me, parried with me. Who knew how to peel back my masks and reveal myself even to me.
How do I make you happy? I yearned to ask her. How do I make you smile at me again? How do I make you love me? What do I have to buy you?
“Sure.” I tried to keep my voice even, not to betray all of the tumbling, confusing mess inside my body. “We can wait.”
How could I wait when I felt her slipping through my fingers like ash? The more I needed her, the more it seemed she pulled away.
I settled closer behind her, spooning her, tucking my knees in behind hers and propping my head up with my hand. She tensed and chewed her lip, her eyes on the far wall. I wanted to stroke her side, to touch her face. I couldn’t deal with it if she rejected me again so I left my hand on my side, gripping at my thigh.
“So…what did you do today?” I tried.
Her tiny shoulder shrugged. “Read.”
“What book?”
“Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier.”
“What’s it about?”
There was a pause. “A wife who’s not sure who her husband is.” I could hear the accusation in her voice.
I’m trying, Noriko. You’re the one who isn’t trying. “You read a lot.”
“There’s not much else to do here.” Bitterness poisoned her voice.
“Do you need a bigger library? A better studio? I can build you one.”
She turned sharply towards me, guilt flashing momentarily in her eyes. “No. I don’t need a library. I already have a studio.”
I frowned. “Then what do you need?” What do you need from me to fix this rift between us?
She lay her head back on the pillow, facing away from me. “Nothing.”
There had to be something. Anything, Noriko, you only have to ask. “Are you happy with this room?”
“Of course.”
“If you weren’t happy with any aspect of it—wrong color, wrong shape, wrong furniture—I could change it.”
I would change anything you didn’t like. I’d make this room a perfect paradise for you, just say the word.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I would. If you wanted it.”
She said nothing.
Panic shortened my breath, steel chains tightening around my lungs. I was losing her. Even as I held onto her tighter and tighter, she was turning to sand, slipping through my fingers.
This was how my poor father felt, loving my mother.
Disgust made my mouth taste sour. I didn’t want to feel this empathy for him. I didn’t want to understand him. I wasn’t him. I would never be like him. And Noriko wasn’t a whore like my…
My blood went cold. Could Noriko be cheating on me? Could she be saving her smiles and fire for someone else? I felt a choking sensation, fear clawing around my neck as I let this thought dwell.
I shoved it away. No, she couldn’t. I’d kept her away from all of the socialite parties and the shallow pack of well-dressed wolves that was LA society. I had kept her safe from anyone who might try to take her from me. I had kept her safe.
I needed to fix my image in her eyes. “I landed a huge contract today.”
“That’s great…”
She’d always liked it before when I spoke about work. I spoke about the deal in detail. “It added another half a billion worth of value to the Blackwell shares.” I paused, waiting for her gasp of awe.
Nothing. Her breathing had evened out. She had fallen asleep. I didn’t want her to sleep yet. I brushed hair from her cheek, watching her eyes in case it was enough to wake her.
She didn’t move and her breathing stayed the same. I felt myself floundering, alone, adrift, the emptiness of my life before Noriko gripping my ankles, threatening to drag me back into those cold, dark depths.
I couldn’t go back to the emptiness of my life before her.
But she was keeping my happiness from me, making me work harder and harder to have it again. I would have it again. I just needed to find a way to fix us.