“Z McCartney Leaves After Party Early with Mystery Date in Tow!”
~Insider Extra~
Chapter Four
Z
“Would you like some coffee?” I asked as I led Aubrey into the kitchen, both of us wrapped snugly in a couple of my bathrobes. I loved seeing her in my clothes.
“No, thank you. If I drink any coffee now, I’ll never get to sleep later, and I feel like I’m going to need a lot of sleep after tonight.” She slipped into one of the barstools around the island.
“True, I guess I will skip coffee, too. How about juice or water?”
“My throat would greatly appreciate a glass of water.”
“One water coming up,” I said, reaching into the fridge for a bottle of Evian. I opened it for her and placed it on the counter. “Are you sure you don’t want anything else? Any food? I’m not sure what I have but I can scrounge up some crackers or something, I bet.”
She shook her head. “I’m okay. Thank you.”
I wasn’t sure why, especially after all we’d done tonight, but she suddenly seemed more tense—more formal with me somehow, as if she didn’t know who I was anymore.
I didn’t like it.
Watching, I waited for her to take several swallows. After a few moments she set her drink back on the countertop and began fiddling with the tie on her robe.
“You want to tell me why you’re so nervous again? You have nothing to be worried about with me. I’m not going to run off or ditch you, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”
Glancing up, I noticed tears were in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to seem all edgy, but I kinda am.”
“Talk to me. Tell me what’s on your mind.” My heart rate was increasing just from the way she was acting, but I tried to appear calm and cool. Maybe she was going to pay me back, and dump me like I did her. Heaven knew I deserved it. But no, that wasn’t Aubrey’s style. At least not the Aubrey I’d known, but a lot could change in ten years. Hell, I was barely recognizable.
Clearing her throat, she blew out a heavy breath, as if trying to gather some courage. “I need to tell you something—something I kept from you.”
Dear God, she was married. I could feel it in my bones. There was no other reason I could think of that would make her so worried. “All right,” I said, my voice still sounding steady and sure, but only because I was acting. “Let’s hear it.”
Biting her lip, more tears filled her eyes, dripping down her cheeks. My first instinct was to comfort her, but I knew she needed to say whatever awful thing she had to tell me first. I felt like my whole life was hanging in the balance.
Her eyes never left mine and I saw the intense sorrow in them. “When I came to LA to see you all those years ago, it was to tell you that I was pregnant with your baby.”
Everything around me started spinning and I gripped the counter tighter, attempting to steady myself. I hadn’t even considered this possibility. “What?” It was all I could manage to croak out, barely able to process her words.
“I’m so sorry! I had intended to come back and tell you later, but I was just so angry. Then everything with your career took off in a big way and the next thing I knew you were dating some movie star and I didn’t know what to do.”
“Are you saying . . . that I have a child?” I asked, still trying to wrap my head around what I was hearing.
“Yes.” Her voice was so chalk full of emotion she could barely speak, and I had to strain to make her words out. “You have a beautiful nine year old son. His name is Dustin.”
Dustin.
I had a son.
A son.
A son.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Joy burst through me—followed quickly by fear and then anger. “Good lord, Aubrey. How could you keep something like this from me for all these years?” The hurt of her secret was almost more than I could bear. It almost trumped the one I’d been hiding.
All this time, I had a real family sitting here in the same town, right under my nose. All this time, I’d suffered with the mistake I’d made in leaving her behind, only to find out she’d been keeping an even bigger secret from me. I couldn’t take it. The hurt was so deep I didn’t know how to process it.
“I’m so sorry,” she hiccupped out. “I . . . I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how.”
I couldn’t do this. Not right now.
Turning to the refrigerator, I opened it, automatically reaching for a cold beer—a beer that wasn’t there anymore because Penelope had poured them all down the sink. Frustrated, I slammed the door hard.
“You can’t drink anymore, remember?” she reminded me in a timid voice.
“I can do whatever the fuck I want!” I snapped back at her, the shock of her words hitting me. “And no one can stop me! Especially not you! Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this days ago?”
She was trembling and cowering away as she hunched down into her stool. “I didn’t tell you because I was shocked to find you there at first. And then later I was worried about what it might do to your recovery—with good reason, it appears.”
“What the fuck did you expect?” I ran a hand through my damp hair.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you before all this happened, but—”
“But I was determined to have you first,” I finished for her. It was my own damn fault tonight. She’d told me repeatedly that she needed to talk to me about something important. I’d just assumed she wanted to talk about her feelings or the past. I wasn’t ready to talk about my past.
I ran a hand over my face. “I’m sorry, too; for yelling at you just now.” I really was. I didn’t want to lash out and hurt her even more. She’d obviously been through enough at my hands already. “Shit! I can’t even fathom what this means.” She didn’t speak, silent tears continuing to fall down her face and suddenly I felt like the biggest jerk on the planet. Moving around the counter, I gathered her in my arms. “Aubrey, I’m so sorry. If I’d had any idea of what happened, I would’ve come running back, begging for your forgiveness.”
Apparently those words didn’t comfort her because she fisted her hands in my robe, like she was clinging onto me for dear life, and sobbed even harder. Unspeaking, I simply held her, letting her cry her eyes out as a few tears of my own managed to escape as well. How’d the two of us manage to fuck things up so royally?
All of my insecurities washed through me, along with all the heartache and guilt. My inability to go to her and confess my sins had resulted in me completely losing the life I wanted. And while I wasn’t the only one at fault here, I was the one who’d set this rollercoaster in motion.
What kind of prick was I? The damn, fucking asshole kind, apparently.
It was several long minutes before Aubrey’s sobs subsided. Pulling away, she wiped at her eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to lose it like that.”
“Baby, you have nothing to be sorry over. This is my fault. It’s entirely my fault. If I hadn’t pushed you to sleep with me, or if I’d have stayed in Montana, all of this would’ve worked out fine. I wish I’d never come here.”
“Please don’t talk like that. I wanted to have sex with you. It was my choice. You let me say when. That day was one of the best of my life. I’ve relived it so many times during these lonely years.” She glanced up at me. “You were all I ever wanted. I’ve dated a few other people, but I could never get over you. I’ve never even slept with anyone else.”
Those words shocked me almost as much as her previous revelation. “You haven’t had sex in ten years?” I stared at her incredulously.
Giving a weak smile, she shook her head. “Not until tonight—which was pretty damn amazing by the way.”
“Shit.” I’d fucked her hard tonight, and now I realized she was still practically at virgin status. “I’m so sorry, Aubrey,” I apologized again. “I would’ve taken it easier on you had I known.”
“I didn’t want you to take it easy on me. Tonight is the first time in ten years I’ve felt completely alive.” Fresh sobs came with these words. “How pitiful is that?”
“It’s not pitiful at all—or we’re both pitiful then, because I feel exactly the same way.” I lifted her face back to mine and bent to kiss her forehead. “Please tell me what I can do to make this right between us. I’ve made such a horrible mess with everything.”
Giving a wry laugh, she shrugged. “I’m not the person to ask. I’m just as confused as you are.”
“Well, we need to figure something out, before we go and complicate things further.”
“I know. I’ll speak to Dr. Bentley tomorrow and see if he can assign you a new nurse.”
“I don’t want a new nurse,” I complained.
“Well, you have to get one. I’m already in danger of being fired when this is found out. I need this job. I need to be able to support Dustin properly. This job means everything to us.”
“You have my word that money will never be an issue for you again. Everything I have is yours now, as far as I’m concerned.”
Eyes staying locked with mine, her lips quivered. “I could never accept that. But thank you for offering.”
“Offering? Are you listening to yourself? You’re the mother of my son! You’re my family.”
“Really?” She seemed surprised. I needed to set the record straight with her.
“Don’t you get it? All this chaos going on in my life right now is because of you. I’ve spent all these years trying to find a way to get over you, only it never worked. No matter what I did, it never erased you from my mind. I’ve thought about you every single day.”
“Then why didn’t you ever come for me?” More tears, dammit. She was ripping my heart to shreds.
“Because you deserve so much better. I convinced myself that you hated me, once I never heard from you again. I hated myself.”
“I only hated you because I wanted you so badly—even after I knew you hadn’t been faithful to me. I kept dreaming that someday you’d come rescue me.”
“This is so fucked up. I don’t know what else to say.”
“It’s okay. Neither do I. And don’t feel bad. This taught me to be strong and to learn to rely on myself.”
“You shouldn’t have had to go through it alone, though.” Silence fell between us once more. I simply held her as I stroked her damp hair and tried to assimilate everything she’d told me. “What does Dustin look like?” I asked, finally, wanting to know everything she could tell me about my child.
She laughed this time, and the sound was music to my ears. “Exactly like you. I couldn’t have forgotten you even if I wanted to. I see you in him every single day.” Straightening, an excited look crossed her face. “Where’d I put my clutch? I have a picture of him!”
“I think it got dropped by the window with the rest of your clothing.”
Jumping up, she scurried over to where we’d first had sex, digging through the pile of clothes and retrieving the small purse. She reached inside and pulled out her phone, quickly flipping through the screen before pausing.
I watched as her face changed as she stared at the image. A soft smile spread across her face and her eyes lit up with all the love in the world. Taking a finger she stroked the screen before glancing up at me.
My breath caught. It was like seeing straight into her soul and I had no doubt—no doubt—that our son was what kept her going all these years. It was clear that she adored him.
Moving next to me, she held the phone out. “This is our son.”
Our son. The words filled my soul like nothing else I’d ever heard, making my heart swell with joy. I couldn’t imagine anything better than having a child with Aubrey.
Accepting it from her, I stared at the sandy brown haired youngster, taking in everything about him from his bright blue eyes to his wide smile. He looked happy and healthy, and almost identical to grade school pictures of my own. If I had any doubt about this being my child, which I didn’t, this photo would’ve been proof enough for me. There was no way I wasn’t the father.
Something protective flooded through me. I needed to know this boy—I wanted to know him. I wanted my family. At the same time it scared me more than I’d ever been scared in my life. I couldn’t fuck things up this time—and my past track record wasn’t looking too promising on that front. Not to mention I had no idea if Aubrey would ever be able to fully trust me ever again.
“Can I meet him?” I asked, my voice choked with emotion.
“I’d like that,” she said, her eyes tearing up some more. “I’d like that a lot. But I don’t want to confuse him either, Zane. He’s lived all this time without you. We need to do this gently.”
“I’ll do anything you want me to do, Aubrey, anything. I just hope you can forgive me and let me be a part of your lives.” I was wearing my heart on my sleeve here. It was hers to embrace, or destroy, as she desired.
“I’d like that, too.” She smiled at me, a soft sob escaping her lips. “You have no idea how much.”
“When can we go?” I asked, feeling suddenly impatient.
“Let’s talk to Dr. Bentley and Dr. Wilson in the morning. We’ll tell them the truth about us and see where they recommend we go from here.”
Disappointment flooded me. If I had my way I’d jump in one of my cars and go straight to meet my son this very moment. Of course that would most likely traumatize him if a stranger were to awaken him in the night—even if I was with Aubrey. “Is he with your parents?”
She nodded. “Yes. He’s staying the night with them. Since my phone hasn’t been ringing off the hook and I have no text messages, I’m assuming my parents still have no idea that I’m out with you tonight. I told them it was a work thing, since I didn’t have permission from you to tell them you were in rehab yet.”
“They must fuckin’ hate me,” I said sadly, fondly remembering the couple who’d become my surrogate parents. I owed so much to them, yet I’d abandoned them, too.
She gave a half laugh. “That’s putting it mildly. It won’t be easy, Zane. My dad even threatened to do you bodily harm if he ever saw you again.”
“Well, tell him to do his worst. I deserve every bit of whatever he has to give me.”
I didn’t care what I had to do. I was going to make up my past mistakes to this family, even if it killed me.