“I still don’t understand why you need his address,” Chris said through my car’s speakers. I was talking to him on the phone on my way out of a grocery store’s parking lot.

“I told you, it’s about Nora.”

“Are you going to go beat him up or something?” Chris asked. “I thought you were a bit older and wiser than that.”

I snorted. “I’m not going to beat him up. And no one’s ever accused me of being wise or mature.”

Chris laughed. “True. So what’s the deal then?”

“I need to talk to him about Nora. Get his side of the story again so I can figure out once and for all if she’s telling the truth or not,” I said. It was bullshit—I knew Nora wouldn’t lie to me—but Chris wouldn’t give me his colleague’s home address if he thought I was going to cause any trouble.

“Fair enough. I’m still not sure about their situation myself. He seems so decent. Hard to believe he’d make all that shit up,” Chris replied.

He told me to wait while he looked up James’ address on the company database. Once I had it, I thanked him and plugged it into my GPS before cruising down an off-ramp toward the nearest major exit that would get me close to his place.

I knew my plan was childish as fuck, but that wasn’t going to stop me. I just wanted to do a little something to piss James off without him suspecting that Nora had anything to do with it (because obviously I didn’t want him harassing her any more than he already was). What I was planning wasn’t illegal (at least I didn’t think it was) and no one was going to get hurt, so it was fine.

At least that’s what I was going to tell myself.

When I arrived in James’ area, I parked a couple of blocks away from his house and walked the rest of the way so he wouldn’t see or hear my car. I was carrying a couple of pounds of shrimp from the grocery store I’d just left, and when I reached James’ place, I ditched the bag behind a bush while I cased the place. I could hear voices drifting out from an open window, so he was obviously home. I needed to make sure he was entirely distracted before trying to get into his garage.

I crept up to what I assumed was the living room window and crouched under it. I could hear a young woman fawning and sighing as James told her all about his ‘psycho ex’. I seethed. The fucking prick was using his lies about Nora to try and get some other poor girl into bed.

“And then she just left,” he said. “Took my dog and everything.”

“You poor baby,” said the girl, her voice filled with sympathy. “I can make you feel better.”

That was my cue to leave my spot beneath the window—he was obviously well-distracted. I retrieved the shrimp bag from underneath the bush, and then I walked around to the other side of James’ house, where the garage was. The door was unlocked, luckily. I set the bag down and hunted around for the spare key to the old-fashioned Chevy that was sitting in the space. Nora had said it was under some sort of plant pot, and I finally located a set of old herb planters on the far side of the garage.

I gleefully grabbed the key and quietly unlocked the Chevy, praying that James hadn’t jimmied up some sort of alarm system for the old girl. When everything remained silent, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then I began the process of fucking with James’ head…and nose.

I removed the door panels on either side and stuck the fresh shrimp inside them before replacing the panels. For good measure, I rubbed the shrimp juice from the bottom of the bag all over the surfaces of the car’s interior. When I was finished with that, I decided I wasn’t done fucking with James just yet. I headed back to the front of the house, grabbed a few flowers from the garden, and knocked on the front door before trying the handle.

It was unlocked, just like the garage. Jesus, had this guy ever heard of the concept of security?

“Hold on, I’m coming!” I heard James call out. I was already in the foyer.

“Hey, babe, thought I’d surprise you,” I replied, stepping into the front room and holding out the flowers to James.

His date’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh my god. You’re Jacob Archer,” she squealed.

I frowned. “Yeah, and who are you? A friend of James?”

James stood up and narrowed his eyes. “Jacob… What are you doing here, man? Is Chris with you?”

“Answer my question first,” I said, gesturing to the girl. “Who is she?”

“I’m his date,” the girl said, face mired in confusion.

I feigned a disgusted expression. “Wow. Just….wow. I try to give my boyfriend a nice surprise and I find him on a date with someone else. How fucking lovely,” I said, throwing down the flowers. “Thanks a lot, James. I’ll see myself out.”

“Wait, you’re bi? And Jacob Archer is your boyfriend?” the girl said, looking at James.

He held his hands up to her. “Kara, I have no clue what he’s doing here. I think this is some sort of joke.”

She glared at him. “Then why did you seem to know him when he walked in?”

I glared at him too. “Our relationship is just a joke to you?” I screeched, affecting the highest pitch I could.

“I’m leaving,” Kara said, springing to her feet. “I’m not messing with this. My last boyfriend turned out to be married, you know. I’m sick of this shit! You men are all cheating fucking assholes!”

She had her cell phone out already, and I knew there’d be tabloid articles about my secret sexuality all over the internet by tomorrow. I couldn’t care less. Rumors were spread about me all the time. That was fine. It came with the job. But this little prick James was out here spreading rumors about Nora, and that wasn’t fine.

Not one bit.

“No, babe, don’t go!” James called out after Kara as she stomped out of the room, tapping away at her iPhone keypad. He chased her out of the room and down the hall to the front door, but she was already out the door and storming toward her car.

I watched him beg and plead her to stay as I headed out myself. Then I heard footsteps pounding along the pavement as I began the short walk back to my car.

“Jacob! What the hell is wrong with you? Was that supposed to be funny?”

I turned to see James following me. Then I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

“What the fuck is your problem, man?” he repeated as he caught up.

I shrugged. “Just saving another innocent woman from your bullshit.”

“Nora sent you, didn’t she?”

I stopped and shook my head. “No. Nora is a mature, sensible woman. She’d never do something like that. But as for me…well, I’m not anywhere near as mature or sensible. And I don’t like being fucking lied to.”

He crossed his arms. “Look man, maybe I exaggerated a bit about her when we met, but that’s not a reason to come to my house and blow up my fucking date.”

“You’re lucky I don’t blow your fucking house up,” I bit back. “You need to stop contacting Nora.”

“I haven’t spoken to her since she dumped me!” he said.

“Bullshit. She’s told me all about the incessant Facebook messages from the new accounts you keep making to get around the fact that she blocked you.”

“That’s not true. I told you, I haven’t spoken to Nora since she dumped me,” he said.

“Bullshit.”

“Well, I see that nasty cunt already has you wrapped around her little finger,” he said with a sneer, quickly changing his tune. “Not surprising. She has a nice, tight pussy, doesn’t she? Bound to rope any guy in.”

“What the fuck did you just call her?” I asked, narrowing my eyes. My hands balled into fists.

“I called her a cunt. Because obviously she’s acting like a fucking cun—”

He didn’t manage to finish that second insult, because my fist connected with his jaw before his mouth could form the letter ‘T’. He cried out, and I hit him square in the face again, sending him flying back onto his neighbor’s neatly-trimmed lawn.

I glared at the slimy little prick, thinking about all the shit he’d done to Nora as blood dripped from his nose onto the green grass. I hadn’t wanted to resort to violence—as they say, it’s never the answer, so hitting him was probably the wrong thing to do—but fuck, I wasn’t going to let him get away with calling her names like that. Even if it was behind her back.

“You’ll regret this,” James spat as he wiped his face and tried to sit up.

I resisted the urge to punch him again. Instead I simply gritted my teeth. “And you’ll regret letting a woman like Nora go,” I said. “Don’t ever say anything about her again, you little piece of shit.”

“I’ll have you charged with assault!” he called out as I turned around.

I didn’t look back over my shoulder. I simply waved. “Go ahead.”

I smiled as I headed back to my car, pleased with the knowledge that someone was out there defending Nora’s honor, even if that ‘someone’ was an asshole like me. She deserved it. Even if I couldn’t be with her, I could sure as hell stick up for her and be friends with her.

And maybe that was enough.