Chapter Twenty-One

EMMA

“I really appreciate you driving me home, Sadie. Adalyn forgot she had to help babysit her sister’s kids so she left me stranded at school.”

“Not a problem at all. Andrew has a late night of studying planned and I’m all booked out, so driving you home gave me the opportunity to get out of that stingy library.”

I buckle up and set my bag and books on the ground in front of me as I let out a long breath. “Why does this feel like the longest semester ever?”

“Probably because it’s your last before you go out into the workforce. I’m sure you’re itching to just be done with all the studying. When do you take your exam for your license?”

“The NCLEX? Two days after graduation. I wanted to get it over with.”

“I would too. Are you nervous?”

I look out the window at the freshly budding trees and shake my head. “No, I think my head has been buried in books for four years, and I feel prepared. But the next month is going to be hell when it comes to studying.”

Hopefully Tucker will understand less time will be spent with him and more with my books, but maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll want to help me study. Who am I kidding? There is no doubt in my mind that he will want to, he’s always asking if I need to be quizzed.

“There’s no question about it, you will pass.” Sadie stops at a stop light and turns to me. “I really am proud of you, Emma. You’ve always known what you want to do and you went out and accomplished it.”

“Thanks,” I reply, shyly. The praise coming from Sadie feels weird. Maybe because in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about how I feel like I’m betraying our friendship.

“So what’s the next step after you take the exam? Are you looking for jobs?”

“Yeah.” I fiddle with my shirt as I think about the jobs I’ve started applying to as a Registered Nurse Applicant. “I’ve been talking to a few different hospitals.”

“Really? So you’re not just applying around here? I heard Lourdes is a really good hospital to work for, if you can get in.”

“Yeah, I’ve been in contact.”

“Where else?”

“Syracuse, Scranton,” I swallow hard, “Boston, and Burlington.”

“Oh wow.” Sadie is silent for a second. “I didn’t know you were thinking out of state. I just assumed you would stay here. Gosh, you can’t move.” She laughs, but I know it’s a nervous one. “What are we going to do without our sweet and caring Emma? It’s not going to be the same without you.”

“It’s not like I’m moving there tomorrow. Just trying to keep my options open, you know?”

“I guess so.” She takes a deep breath and says, “Ugh, we need to spend more time together, especially if you might be moving.” When she stops, she points her finger at me, “You’ve been a busy lady lately, it’s hard to get ahold of you.” Maybe because all of my time has been spent in Tucker’s bed. I start to sweat from the thought of it. “Makes me believe you’re in a relationship. It’s how I was when I first met Andrew, blocked off the rest of the world.” I cringe and then quickly turn my face. It’s true; I’m acting just like Sadie when she first met Andrew. “Emma?” The tone of her voice makes the hair on the back of my neck stand to attention.”

“Mmm?” I reply, eyes still focused out the window.

“Are you in a relationship and you haven’t told me? And don’t say no. Your ears are bright red and so is your face.”

Crap! Damn you, ears and face, for giving me away. I really don’t want to have this conversation with Sadie right now, especially since we’re about to pull up to the house. She’ll also know that if I deny it I’ll be lying. Therefore, I go for the evasive answer.

“Uh, sort of—”

“I knew it.” She slaps the steering wheel. “I told Andrew the other day that I thought you were in a relationship, but he said I was just hoping everyone was in a relationship because I’m in one and I’m happy so I want everyone to be happy. Frankly, it was a boost to his own ego, but I knew I was right. Is it that Logan guy you spend all your time with? Did you finally fall in love?”

“No.” I shake my head. Boy, Tucker would not like that assumption. “Logan and I are seriously just friends, that’s it.” How many times am I going to have to reiterate that to people?

Although, I’m not even sure where my friendship with Logan stands right now. We haven’t really spoken since he told me his opinion on Tucker. For all I know, that friendship could be dissolved.

I really hope it’s not.

“Okay, so it’s not Logan. Is it another nursing student? What’s his name? Is he hot? Of course he’s hot. I mean, look at you. Does Smilly know him? I swear if you told Smilly and not me I’m going to knock your nipples off your boobs.”

“Smilly doesn’t know. No one really does.”

“Not even Tucker? I mean, you are roommates, so I’d assume he would see your new boyfriend.”

Oh Christ. I didn’t know palms could drip with sweat but here I am, wiping my hands on my pants, praying for her to drive faster.

“You know, since it’s so new, I really don’t want to talk about it. Superstitious and all.” I cross my fingers and hold them up to Sadie, which garners an eye-roll.

“You’re still superstitious about things? Please don’t tell me you continue to wear pink underwear on Tuesdays and Thursdays in hopes you will one day marry Chris Pine.”

I chuckle at my ridiculousness. “My Chris Pine-ing days are over unfortunately.”

“So unfortunate.” We pull into the driveway and Sadie puts the car in park and turns to me, hands in her lap. “At least promise me when you’re ready to talk about the new boy you’ll tell me all about him.”

I nod and gather my things, unable to really formulate words. “Thanks for the lift, Sadie.”

“Any time. Have fun finishing up your studying and say hi to Tucker for me.”

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. “Sure. See ya.”

I rush from her car and quickly make my way into the house. It’s quiet when I shut the door but I know I’m not alone. Tucker’s truck is parked out front and his wallet and keys are on the counter. The man is around here somewhere.

“Hello?” I call out.

There is a crash in the dining room that pulls my attention. I set my things down and rush to where I heard the sound. Tucker is standing in the dining room, his hand in his hair, his work clothes still on, and a potted plant shattered on the floor.

“Oh no, are you okay?”

He puts his hand out to stop me. “Don’t come closer, babe. I don’t want you to step on any glass.”

“What happened?”

Hand still in his hair, he looks up at me through his lashes and says on a chuckle, “You startled me.”

“I startled you?” I laugh.

“Yeah. I was trying to get this little herb garden I made into the kitchen before you came home, since you suggested the other day that we should grow our own herbs.”

Freaking melt my heart.

“Aw, Tucker, that’s so sweet.”

“Yeah, well it’s a fucking mess now. Do me a favor, babe? Go into the basement. In the back far right corner, under some blankets, there is a shop vac. Can you grab it? It will be the easiest way to clean this mess up.”

“Sure, not a problem.”

I go to the basement, which is through the kitchen by the side door and hold on to the rail as I make my way down the rickety stairs. I don’t ever go in the basement, so navigating my way around is proving to be difficult.

“Lights, where are the lights?” I feel around for a light switch but there are no walls for a light switch. I’m about to turn around when my head skims across something dangling from the ceiling. For a second I freak out thinking it’s a spider trying to spindle my hair into a web when I realize it’s a pull cord for a light.

“Oh, thank God,” I mutter, turning the light on.

From above, I can hear Tucker moving around toward the front door. Hopefully he’s not tracking dirt everywhere because that will be a nightmare to clean up.

I look around toward the corners but don’t see a shop vac. I look under the blankets like Tucker said but see nothing. “Where the hell are you, shop vac?” I call out, hoping the machinery will make itself known. I take a few minutes to look around but Tucker really doesn’t have much in the basement besides some random tools, painting supplies, and wood. Makes sense since he works in construction.

“Hmm . . .” I tap my chin, take one more look and then head back upstairs. When I reach the kitchen, I hear voices coming from the living room.

“Wow, it looks amazing in here.” Sadie? She came inside?

“Thanks,” Tucker gruffs out. “I, uh, thought I would make it not look so sterile.”

“You did an amazing job. It truly looks like a warm and inviting home in here, Tucker.”

“That’s how I envisioned it.” For some reason, his answer makes me feel ill. It’s how he envisioned it. What does that mean? Did he mean when he bought the house for Sadie? Or did he envision it this way when trying to make it comfortable for me? This shouldn’t matter, I shouldn’t care, but with Sadie in the next room, walking through the house that was supposed to be hers—theirs—I have a sinking feeling it is the former.

I walk toward the dining room and peek around the wall, observing them for a second. Sadie is holding one of my nursing books—shit, I must have left it in the car in my haste to get the hell away from her probing questions—and Tucker stands a few feet away, hands in his pockets, his eyes trained on her. His body language doesn’t read stiff like I expected it to be. It’s more natural, almost leaning in her direction.

“This is a little awkward.” Sadie laughs, which causes Tucker to laugh as well and then grab the back of his neck.

With a tilted head, he smiles at her and says, “It’s good to see you, though.”

My stomach sinks to the floor and my throat starts to clamp up. It’s not the words, but the way he spoke them, with a rich, velvety tone that almost sounds grateful of her presence. Embarrassment and humility crashes into me like a wave of big, fat regret. Was I just dreaming these last few months? Was I living in the clouds, thinking that maybe, just maybe Tucker would actually get over Sadie, and find comfort and love with me? Did I even stand a chance?

I clamp my arms around my stomach and shift my feet, trying not to feel sick. When I shift, the floor creaks, drawing their attention. Sadie makes eye contact with me and smiles. “Hey, girl. You left your book in my car. Thought you might need it.”

Putting on a bright smile and avoiding all eye contact with Tucker, I walk up to Sadie and take the book while saying thank you. “Yeah, I would have missed this one tonight.”

“Oh, I’m glad I brought it back tonight instead of trying to find you tomorrow.” Sadie folds her hands together and looks around one last time. “I better get . . . oh, look, these are cute.” She walks up to the fireplace and I squeeze my eyes shut. Shit, the picture frames. “Wh—” Sadie whips around toward me and whispers behind her hand. “You’re with Tucker?”

Crap. I could say no, but the picture of Tucker kissing me on the cheek is a dead giveaway. Instead of lying, I nod my head.

“You two are dating?” This time Sadie turns to Tucker who is still pulling on the back of his neck, but with more force now.

“I mean, we’re kind of just having fun,” Tucker answers, avoiding all kinds of eye contact.

Excuse me?

Just having fun?

This time I look at Tucker. He glances at me, regret in his eyes. Yeah, you better regret that little statement. Or maybe he won’t. Maybe he wants me to know this about us.

Angry, frustrated, and hurt, I squeeze my book to my chest and say, “Yeah, just having fun. Nothing to worry about, Sadie. I would love to hash this out with you, but I really should get to studying.” I turn away when I realize I should probably apologize. “I’m sorry for not telling you earlier and stepping over my best-friend boundaries. I should have thought about the repercussions before entering into something so casual.” That last jab was for Tucker. A part of me really hopes it hurts him but from the way he’s looking at Sadie . . .

He still loves her.

He’s not over her.

From the look on his face, it probably didn’t have the impact I wish it did. We’re kind of just having fun. “Thanks for returning my book.”

I give her a small wave and go straight to my room, making sure to dodge the broken pot on the ground.

Once my door is shut, I sink to the floor and put my head in my hands as tears start to fall from my eyes, a waterfall of pain and regret cascading past my fingers. What was I thinking starting something with Tucker? A great pair of abs, a gentle heart, and a caring soul swept me up into his arms, took me for an unforgettable ride, and just when I thought everything was going to work out for the long haul, I’m reminded of my rose-colored glasses. Rose-colored glasses that have blinded me to the truth.

Sadie. It’s always been Sadie. And I’m not mad at her; I don’t blame her for anything. They have history. So much history that of course, it would be impossible for Tucker to overcome that pull. No one will come between that for him. I should have seen it from the beginning, but I had too much hope for what could be between us.

Logan was right. And as I sit here feeling my heart ripping into thousands of pieces, I despise having to admit that.

I’ll never be Tucker Jameson’s girl.

That door is closed.