I gnaw on the edge of my thumbnail and check the time. Ten to eight. Benjamin went down to the bar an hour ago with no promise on when he’d return.

It looks like the romantic part of the trip is over and I’ve been relegated to the role of nothing-but-nanny once more.

What happened? Why is he suddenly withdrawing?

The only answer I can come up with is that things got too intense for him last night. We connected in a new way, and that made him pull back. I’m not a dummy. I’ve seen guys do this before—not that that makes Benjamin’s actions any less infuriating.

“When’s Daddy coming back?” Mia asks from across the living room. She’s on her stomach on the floor, drawing on a pad of paper.

“In a little while,” I answer. “We might go to bed before he gets back.”

“You and me?” She turns and looks at me over her shoulder. “Will you sleep in my room? Like a sleepover?”

I smile at her. “We’ll see.”

At this point, I’m not getting the vibe that Benjamin wants to share a bedroom again. After he came back from his walk, which lasted almost all morning, the three of us went snowboarding for the afternoon. Though he was attentive when it came to Mia, I don’t think we made direct eye contact the whole day. Not that I wasn’t trying to.

The rock in my stomach grows heavier, and though I’m only sitting alone on the couch, I have to fight to hold back tears. I knew that hooking up with my boss was playing with fire, but I did it anyway. I just couldn’t stay away.

If my instincts are true, Benjamin is freaking out and trying to push me away. I never got the specifics on what happened between him and those other nannies, but my guess now is that they came to want more and when he didn’t want to provide that, they left.

And now, it’s my turn.

I blink harshly, not wanting to go down that path. No matter what happens, I won’t feel sorry for myself. I got myself into this position. It doesn’t matter how much I care for Benjamin; if he’s unavailable, I’m only going to hurt myself more by chasing after him.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. I need to act with that in mind.

Rubbing my aching eyes, I stand up. “It’s time to get ready for bed, Mia. You’ll see your dad in the morning.”

“Hold on. I need to finish this.”

“What are you drawing?”

“Nothing,” she says quickly, flipping her paper over so I can’t see it.

A weird feeling slithers its way through me. “Why don’t you want me to see it?” I slowly ask.

She shrugs, not looking at me. “I just don’t.”

With that, she hurries into her room with the drawing. I stay where I am, my mind racing.

What’s going on with her? Is everything okay? She’s never been secretive like this before.

My mind goes back to the day I caught that guy watching her school. After informing the staff about the occurrence, I never followed up. Presumably, he hasn’t shown up again.

Or maybe he has, and no one has noticed him.

A shiver runs up my back. I don’t know why, but I can’t help wondering if the two incidents are related.

“Hey, Mia.” I go into the bathroom, where she’s brushing her teeth. “Have you had any strangers come talk to you recently?”

She takes the brush out of her mouth, looking confused. “The man who carries the bags here.”

“Right.” I press my lips together, realizing I’ve approached this the wrong way. “But you know that you should never go anywhere without telling the adult who’s watching you first, right? Even if someone tells you that you need to come with them. You have to check with the adult you’re with first.”

“Yeah,” she answers. “My dad taught me that—and they tell us in school all the time.”

I exhale in relief.

“Cool. I just wanted to check. Let’s get you into bed and find a story to read together, okay?”

After Mia falls asleep, I end up going to the couch. Benjamin still isn’t back, and as much as I want to text him, I hold back. His turning away has hurt my pride, and it makes me not want to reach out to him, either.

Torn between running to him and turning my back on him, I stay on the couch.

At some point, I jerk awake. It’s early morning, judging by the gray tone bathing the room. I fell asleep on the couch without even realizing it.

The doors to both the bedrooms are closed, which means Benjamin came in last night…and he didn’t think to wake me.

A crippling wave of pain strikes my chest. His literally closing the door and shutting me out of the bedroom hurts worse than anything else he’s done yet.

Dragging myself to the bathroom, I run the water in the sink as cold as I can take it and splash it on my face. I don’t want to wake up Mia by taking a shower, so this will have to do for now.

When I open the bathroom door to the living room, Benjamin is there, sitting on the couch I vacated. I hover in the doorway, uncertainty flooding my heart. He looks over at me, bags under his eyes.

“Hey,” I rasp, taking a few careful steps toward him.

“Hi.”

“When did you come in last night?” I sit on the couch, but keep a full cushion between us.

“Uh…late.” He runs a hand over his hair. “You looked like you were sleeping soundly out here, so I didn’t wake you.”

I nod, my tongue thick. It feels like we’re talking after years apart, like we no longer know how to relate to each other.

“What did you and Mia get up to?” Benjamin gives me a casual look, but his posture is tense.

“She just did some coloring and then went to bed—oh, hey. Um, do you remember that man I told you about? The one I saw watching the school?”

“Yeah. What about him?”

I lick my dry lips. “I just thought of him yesterday, because, well, I have this weird feeling. Last night, I asked Mia if I could see the picture she was drawing, and she said no and hid it from me.”

Benjamin shakes his head in confusion. “What does that have to do with the man?”

“It’s an…odd behavior, that’s all.” I’m doing my best to select my words carefully, but I can tell he already doesn’t like what I’m saying.

“I don’t follow.”

“If something is wrong—if someone has approached her or asked her to keep something a secret—she might listen; that’s what I’m saying. A child her age hiding things isn’t a good sign.”

Benjamin snorts, and the sound cuts into my heart.

“You think someone has done what, exactly?”

“I’m not sure,” I say, a defensive edge to my voice. “But it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

His forehead wrinkles. “I don’t understand why you’re bringing this up.”

I sigh in frustration. “Just forget about it.”

Benjamin’s nostrils flare. “Are you questioning my parenting skills? Because I’ve talked to Mia about avoiding strangers. I’m not as distant as you seem to think.”

That has me reeling back. “It’s not always strangers that cause children harm. It’s usually someone they know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I close my eyes and exhale. “Nothing. I was just repeating a fact. Let’s forget about what I said. I’ll keep an eye on Mia, and if anything is weird, I’ll let you know.”

“I pay attention to my child. I know what’s going on with her.”

His level of defensiveness is still blowing me away.

“Benjamin, I’m not trying to attack you.”

His lips purse. “Fine. So then don’t presume to know what’s best for me and my daughter.”

A slap to the face would have hurt a thousand times less. I sit frozen on the couch, blinking at him, feeling all of my last hopes for our relationship draining away.

“What’s going on?” I ask breathlessly.

“What do you mean?”

Benjamin rakes his fingers through his hair and leans forward, avoiding my eyes.

“I don’t know if our relationship is the…best thing…for Mia.” He forces the last few words out like they’re laced with thorns.

My heart constricts. “Why not?”

Benjamin laces his fingers together, his knuckles growing white. “Because we’re moving fast, and she might get confused. She’s never had anyone in her life other than her mother.”

“Ah.”

My face burns. I get what he’s saying, but I also think there’s more to this. He’s not running and hiding because he’s only afraid for Mia. He’s afraid for himself.

“Is this what happened with the other nannies?”

Benjamin’s eyebrows shoot up. “What?”

I just give him an even look, waiting. I don’t need to repeat myself.

Benjamin’s mouth tightens. “It was different with them.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means…” He clears his throat and shifts his weight around. I’m as still as he is fidgety, frozen to my seat with pain.

“I care for you, Jayne,” he says to the carpet.

I swallow against the burning in my throat. “I’m not going to beg you to do anything. That’s not me.”

Benjamin’s gaze finally lifts to my face. “I know. You’re strong. That’s one of the things I love about you.”

It hurts like hell to hear him say that, but I keep my face passive. What he doesn’t know is that most of the time, I’m only acting strong. What’s going on inside of me is a different story entirely.

Mia’s bedroom door opens, and we break eye contact.

“Hi,” Mia murmurs sleepily, walking out and rubbing her eyes.

“Hey, Mia bear.” Benjamin bolts to standing and, without another look my way, goes to her. “Let’s go get you dressed. We have to go to the airport in an hour.”

Benjamin takes Mia back into her room, leaving me buzzing with anger, disappointment, and hurt. Our conversation was cut short, but there’s nothing else that really needs to be said.

Amy was right. This whole situation is bad for me. I’ve fallen in love with a man who can’t reciprocate. And now, I’ve ruined not only a great job, but a great relationship with a wonderful little girl as well.

I’ll have to quit. There’s no way around it. I can’t see Benjamin anymore; doing so would make me come apart.

After the holidays…that’s when I’ll do it. It’s already Christmas Eve, and I can’t bring myself to think of saying goodbye to Mia just yet.

Trying not to cry, I stand and go to pack my things.

Merry freakin’ Christmas Eve.